A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Preferences
HIM: Dad, who's your favorite in Looney Tunes?
ME: Daffy Duck. He's the most crass.
HIM: What's that mean?
ME: Oh, I just like how he rages against the world. It's funny.
HIM: I like Bugs Bunny. You know why?
ME: No. Why?
HIM: He has the most plans.
ME: The most plans? Like what kind of plans?
HIM: He's always tricking people and making jokes. And he always has these wonderful plans for how to do everything.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About the Situation in Lebanon
(we're in the car and the top of the hour NPR news comes on. I scramble to turn down the volume on the lead story but accidentally turn it up instead)
RADIO: Eight people were killed today, their bodies found hours afterw (CLICK)
HIM: Whew! That's good!
ME: What's good?
HIM: That only eight people got killed.
ME: That's good?
HIM: Well, it could have been a lot more. Like hundreds!
(we're in the car and the top of the hour NPR news comes on. I scramble to turn down the volume on the lead story but accidentally turn it up instead)
RADIO: Eight people were killed today, their bodies found hours afterw (CLICK)
HIM: Whew! That's good!
ME: What's good?
HIM: That only eight people got killed.
ME: That's good?
HIM: Well, it could have been a lot more. Like hundreds!
Friday, July 28, 2006
Are You Now or Have You Ever Been a Member of the Cast of "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown"?
Army specialist dismissed for being gay was questioned about his involvement with community theater.
Army specialist dismissed for being gay was questioned about his involvement with community theater.
Little to Say
Haven't updated much lately. Sorry about that.
Been having some tribulations that have caused me to smack head against table. Won't go into it here but everyone's fine, everything's fine, all will be fine, but man it was, as Charlie (Age 5) would say, FUSStrating. But now it's good. Buy me a cup of coffee some time and I'll tell you about it.
A song this morning by Charlie (Age 5):
Oh, imagination is stupid
Imagination is stupid
Imagining things is dumb and a waste of time
Imagination! IS! DUMB!
(Make up some random melody. He did.)
Haven't updated much lately. Sorry about that.
Been having some tribulations that have caused me to smack head against table. Won't go into it here but everyone's fine, everything's fine, all will be fine, but man it was, as Charlie (Age 5) would say, FUSStrating. But now it's good. Buy me a cup of coffee some time and I'll tell you about it.
A song this morning by Charlie (Age 5):
Oh, imagination is stupid
Imagination is stupid
Imagining things is dumb and a waste of time
Imagination! IS! DUMB!
(Make up some random melody. He did.)
Thursday, July 20, 2006
TV
Okay, so the most brilliant sitcom you're likely to see in a while can be found at YouTube. Everyone's watching it. It's called Nobody's Watching (see the pilot in three installments: 1, 2, 3). It's scripted. The concept is this: two high school pals love sitcoms, they send a video of themselves to the WB asking for jobs, the WB moves them to LA to make a sitcom but they make them live on a sitcom set and have a studio audience in place at all times, the guys then must make a pilot. It's funny as hell. Anyway, the pilot (real) was not picked up by the WB, sending the show to purgatory. Now it's on YouTube and is so popular that it's being seen by everyone. And it's really funny.
It got me thinking. What if my life is a big sitcom? And it's all being filmed? Like in the Truman Show?
Evidence to back up theory:
1. I work in a radio station, popular sitcom setting.
2. I have adorable wisecracking kids.
3. Guest stars seem to drop by (in the last few weeks I've talked with David Cross and Lewis Black)
4. I'm fond of making jokes.
Evidence to cast theory into doubt:
1. My issues are generally not resolved.
2. No laugh track, as far as I know.
3. Co-workers are fairly homogenous; I don't have the stuffy one, the sleazy one, the oversexed one, the stupid one. They're all normal smart people who quietly go about their business.
Still, maybe it's like an artsy sitcom. Like a new kind of sitcom. And it's certainly not a drama, a reality show, or a news program. Like a sitcom on the Sundance Channel where no one actually laughs.
So let me ask you this: if you're life was a TV show, what kind of show would it be?
Okay, so the most brilliant sitcom you're likely to see in a while can be found at YouTube. Everyone's watching it. It's called Nobody's Watching (see the pilot in three installments: 1, 2, 3). It's scripted. The concept is this: two high school pals love sitcoms, they send a video of themselves to the WB asking for jobs, the WB moves them to LA to make a sitcom but they make them live on a sitcom set and have a studio audience in place at all times, the guys then must make a pilot. It's funny as hell. Anyway, the pilot (real) was not picked up by the WB, sending the show to purgatory. Now it's on YouTube and is so popular that it's being seen by everyone. And it's really funny.
It got me thinking. What if my life is a big sitcom? And it's all being filmed? Like in the Truman Show?
Evidence to back up theory:
1. I work in a radio station, popular sitcom setting.
2. I have adorable wisecracking kids.
3. Guest stars seem to drop by (in the last few weeks I've talked with David Cross and Lewis Black)
4. I'm fond of making jokes.
Evidence to cast theory into doubt:
1. My issues are generally not resolved.
2. No laugh track, as far as I know.
3. Co-workers are fairly homogenous; I don't have the stuffy one, the sleazy one, the oversexed one, the stupid one. They're all normal smart people who quietly go about their business.
Still, maybe it's like an artsy sitcom. Like a new kind of sitcom. And it's certainly not a drama, a reality show, or a news program. Like a sitcom on the Sundance Channel where no one actually laughs.
So let me ask you this: if you're life was a TV show, what kind of show would it be?
Monday, July 17, 2006
I Attended My High School Reunion Last Friday
They asked me to make remarks at the beginning of the program.
Remarks I made:
"It's a night of fun, memories, schadenfreude. And because we have Federal Way High School educations, I'll point out that that's a word you can look up on the computer. And because we have Federal Way High School educations, I'll point out that the computer is that little TV with the box attached to it that don't seem to work with the REE-mote."
The Judas Priest lyric study group will not be doing their presentation tonight. They will be meeting at the regular time next week at CoCo's. This week's topic is Turbo Lover. Please wear leather wristbands.
"11:15 has been set aside for the drunken "I've always had a crush on you" confessional. I see the cheerleaders have once again formed a tight closed circle so you know where to find them."
High school classmates, then and now
Then: Mormon girl I had a crush on
Now: Former mormon and current lesbian
Then: Obnoxious football player
Now: Obnoxious sheet metal worker, 100 pounds heavier
Then: Cheerleaders (4) who found themselves fascinating and assumed everyone else did as well
Now: Same but only three of them now
Questions I asked of other people:
So were you hooked on speed at some point? (answer: No! My god, what are you talking about?)
When you got married, did you think that would take care of the lesbian thing? (answer: yes)
Who are you? (answer: Someone you went to school with for six years, my god, I can't believe you don't remember!)
Questions asked of me:
What kind of music does your radio station play (answer: It's not that kind of... see, the way public radio works is....never mind)
Did you ever go to all these parties? (answer: Nope)
Who did you hate the most? (answer: That guy riiiiiiight there. And evidently I still do)
They asked me to make remarks at the beginning of the program.
Remarks I made:
"It's a night of fun, memories, schadenfreude. And because we have Federal Way High School educations, I'll point out that that's a word you can look up on the computer. And because we have Federal Way High School educations, I'll point out that the computer is that little TV with the box attached to it that don't seem to work with the REE-mote."
The Judas Priest lyric study group will not be doing their presentation tonight. They will be meeting at the regular time next week at CoCo's. This week's topic is Turbo Lover. Please wear leather wristbands.
"11:15 has been set aside for the drunken "I've always had a crush on you" confessional. I see the cheerleaders have once again formed a tight closed circle so you know where to find them."
High school classmates, then and now
Then: Mormon girl I had a crush on
Now: Former mormon and current lesbian
Then: Obnoxious football player
Now: Obnoxious sheet metal worker, 100 pounds heavier
Then: Cheerleaders (4) who found themselves fascinating and assumed everyone else did as well
Now: Same but only three of them now
Questions I asked of other people:
So were you hooked on speed at some point? (answer: No! My god, what are you talking about?)
When you got married, did you think that would take care of the lesbian thing? (answer: yes)
Who are you? (answer: Someone you went to school with for six years, my god, I can't believe you don't remember!)
Questions asked of me:
What kind of music does your radio station play (answer: It's not that kind of... see, the way public radio works is....never mind)
Did you ever go to all these parties? (answer: Nope)
Who did you hate the most? (answer: That guy riiiiiiight there. And evidently I still do)
Friday, July 14, 2006
At Starbucks this morning, waiting in line
BARISTA: What do you have planned this weekend?
CUSTOMER 1: Oh, just getting stuff done around the house.
BARISTA: Cool. Gotta do that. Have a good day. (then to new customer) That'll be $3.29. What's your weekend like?
CUSTOMER 2: I'm going to this big arts festival in Vancouver.
BARISTA: Awesome. There's your change. (then to me) Tall drip, that's a dollar fifty three. What are you doing this weekend.
ME: Tri-state killing spree.
BARISTA: Ha. Okay.
Actually it's not technically a killing spree. Technically it's a Federal Way High School class reunion.
BARISTA: What do you have planned this weekend?
CUSTOMER 1: Oh, just getting stuff done around the house.
BARISTA: Cool. Gotta do that. Have a good day. (then to new customer) That'll be $3.29. What's your weekend like?
CUSTOMER 2: I'm going to this big arts festival in Vancouver.
BARISTA: Awesome. There's your change. (then to me) Tall drip, that's a dollar fifty three. What are you doing this weekend.
ME: Tri-state killing spree.
BARISTA: Ha. Okay.
Actually it's not technically a killing spree. Technically it's a Federal Way High School class reunion.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
How Is Your Book Going?
My friends, my book is gone. I think so, anyway. Today I put it all in an envelope and sent it off to New York after spending the last couple of weeks combing through it for typos (and finding plenty). Meanwhile, a real professional proofreader is doing the same. I also changed a chapter subtitle that made no sense and demanded (well, okay, requested) numbers for the footnotes instead of asterisks.
I believe that this was the last I get to monkey with it until it's published. Not that I really understand the process completely.
Then I went and bought a Hershey bar. Not sure why. Tomorrow I go to my high school reunion.
Available for pre-order.
Oh, and there's another Pop-Song Correspondence up at McSweeney's.
Also, the organization named 826 Seattle is worth supporting for many reasons (they teach kids to write being the hugest). But one of the lesser-known and crucial reasons is this: I dropped by today to pick up my tickets to this huge Bumbershoot thing they're doing (Eggers, Vowell, Hodgman, Merritt, Coulton, Snicket) and the lady working there says, "Okay, you've got two tickets..." and trails off a bit.
"To paradise?" I asked.
And without missing a beat, she says "Pack your bags! You leave tonight!"
They know kids, they know writing, and they know Eddie Money.
My friends, my book is gone. I think so, anyway. Today I put it all in an envelope and sent it off to New York after spending the last couple of weeks combing through it for typos (and finding plenty). Meanwhile, a real professional proofreader is doing the same. I also changed a chapter subtitle that made no sense and demanded (well, okay, requested) numbers for the footnotes instead of asterisks.
I believe that this was the last I get to monkey with it until it's published. Not that I really understand the process completely.
Then I went and bought a Hershey bar. Not sure why. Tomorrow I go to my high school reunion.
Available for pre-order.
Oh, and there's another Pop-Song Correspondence up at McSweeney's.
Also, the organization named 826 Seattle is worth supporting for many reasons (they teach kids to write being the hugest). But one of the lesser-known and crucial reasons is this: I dropped by today to pick up my tickets to this huge Bumbershoot thing they're doing (Eggers, Vowell, Hodgman, Merritt, Coulton, Snicket) and the lady working there says, "Okay, you've got two tickets..." and trails off a bit.
"To paradise?" I asked.
And without missing a beat, she says "Pack your bags! You leave tonight!"
They know kids, they know writing, and they know Eddie Money.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Friendship
You know how when you read a certain book or listen to a certain record, you just get it so much that you feel like the author or musician could be your friend? Like you just totally connect with it and if circumstances were different you could be pals and meet them for breakfast from time to time or have them over for barbecue or go to a ball game and stuff? That's how it is with some people I interview at some radio station where I work. I'll interview them, we'll get along great, we'll have something in common even, and I just want them to become friends with me.
But you can't really say, "Hey, wanna be friends?" as they walk to the lobby after the interview. Because that's weird. And maybe they actually really would want to be friends but it's just not the time or place or method for that to happen. But then it doesn't end up happening. They walk out the door, out of your life, and the world gets no warmer.
You know how when you read a certain book or listen to a certain record, you just get it so much that you feel like the author or musician could be your friend? Like you just totally connect with it and if circumstances were different you could be pals and meet them for breakfast from time to time or have them over for barbecue or go to a ball game and stuff? That's how it is with some people I interview at some radio station where I work. I'll interview them, we'll get along great, we'll have something in common even, and I just want them to become friends with me.
But you can't really say, "Hey, wanna be friends?" as they walk to the lobby after the interview. Because that's weird. And maybe they actually really would want to be friends but it's just not the time or place or method for that to happen. But then it doesn't end up happening. They walk out the door, out of your life, and the world gets no warmer.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Best Birthday Ever
Gift from Charlie (Age 5)
Gift for Charlie (Age 5) from himself
I opened it, thanked him profusely, and put mine on. I was also wearing jeans and socks and shoes (no sandals, it was a work day). Charlie sprints out of the room with his shirt, comes back in wearing shirt, jeans shorts (that he put on backwards out of sheer excitement), and socks and shoes. I dropped him off at preschool that day. Never have I been so proud to walk side by side with my son.
Gift from Charlie (Age 5)
Gift for Charlie (Age 5) from himself
I opened it, thanked him profusely, and put mine on. I was also wearing jeans and socks and shoes (no sandals, it was a work day). Charlie sprints out of the room with his shirt, comes back in wearing shirt, jeans shorts (that he put on backwards out of sheer excitement), and socks and shoes. I dropped him off at preschool that day. Never have I been so proud to walk side by side with my son.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
How Is Your Book Going?
Glad you asked! So I have a stack of 310 pieces of paper on my desk right now. 310 type set pages. My task is to go through them and catch factual errors and typos while another proofreader does the same. Then I correct them in colored pencil (did I mention publishing doesn't like doing things electronically? They are turning it into a physical book, I guess). Then I send it back by 7/13. Then I have no more control of the book what. so. ever. Done. Sealed. Final. I lay back and get ready for publicity.
I gotta say that seeing it in type set form makes it all seem more real. I loves me the Times New Roman 12-point on the Mac, don't get me wrong, but now it seems much more like A Book than it ever has. Freaks me out. Exciting.
Publicity plans seem to include a book conference in Portland, another one in Austin, then touring to Boston, DC, Milwaukee(!), Minneapolis, SF, Portland, and back to Seattle. Also, a launch party/interview thing on 10/4 (good buddy) in Seattle and a speaking thing here maybe at Town Hall. And bookstores here. And hopefully some national media out of NYC or LA.
Final subtitle is also decided: How I Tried to be a Righty With the Help of Richard Nixon, Sean Hannity, Toby Keith, and Beef Jerky.
And it's available for pre-order!
Glad you asked! So I have a stack of 310 pieces of paper on my desk right now. 310 type set pages. My task is to go through them and catch factual errors and typos while another proofreader does the same. Then I correct them in colored pencil (did I mention publishing doesn't like doing things electronically? They are turning it into a physical book, I guess). Then I send it back by 7/13. Then I have no more control of the book what. so. ever. Done. Sealed. Final. I lay back and get ready for publicity.
I gotta say that seeing it in type set form makes it all seem more real. I loves me the Times New Roman 12-point on the Mac, don't get me wrong, but now it seems much more like A Book than it ever has. Freaks me out. Exciting.
Publicity plans seem to include a book conference in Portland, another one in Austin, then touring to Boston, DC, Milwaukee(!), Minneapolis, SF, Portland, and back to Seattle. Also, a launch party/interview thing on 10/4 (good buddy) in Seattle and a speaking thing here maybe at Town Hall. And bookstores here. And hopefully some national media out of NYC or LA.
Final subtitle is also decided: How I Tried to be a Righty With the Help of Richard Nixon, Sean Hannity, Toby Keith, and Beef Jerky.
And it's available for pre-order!
Oh, I'm Sure You've Seen This By Now...
But just in case, Ted Stevens is a United States Senator from the state of Alaska. He's got some ideas on how the internet works. And don't go thinking it's a truck. It's not a truck.
They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.
It's a series of tubes.
Read more!
But just in case, Ted Stevens is a United States Senator from the state of Alaska. He's got some ideas on how the internet works. And don't go thinking it's a truck. It's not a truck.
They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.
It's a series of tubes.
Read more!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Oh, Did I Mention Bumbershoot?
I'll be performing at Bumbershoot this year on Labor Day. It's a live version of the Pop-Song Correspondences column I've been writing on McSweeney's for a while now. Not sure what time of day but it will be on Labor Day. Come see it! If you want! Kanye West is also performing, but not with me. Charlie's favorite band A Tribe Called Quest, too.
I'll be performing at Bumbershoot this year on Labor Day. It's a live version of the Pop-Song Correspondences column I've been writing on McSweeney's for a while now. Not sure what time of day but it will be on Labor Day. Come see it! If you want! Kanye West is also performing, but not with me. Charlie's favorite band A Tribe Called Quest, too.
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Spiritual Matters
HIM: Dad, do you want me to tell you about your soul?
ME: My soul?
HIM: Yeah, I can tell you what your soul is like.
ME: Well, yeah. Go ahead.
HIM: Bing bang! Doo-doo-doo-doo! Blah blah! Bathroom toilet! Bing bong bing bong! Beep beep beep! Poopie on your head! Dee-dee-dee! Ting tong beep boop! That's your soul!
ME: Wow! Really?
HIM: No, I'm just kidding. That's not really your soul.
ME: Oh good. Wow.
HIM: Yes it is! PEE!
HIM: Dad, do you want me to tell you about your soul?
ME: My soul?
HIM: Yeah, I can tell you what your soul is like.
ME: Well, yeah. Go ahead.
HIM: Bing bang! Doo-doo-doo-doo! Blah blah! Bathroom toilet! Bing bong bing bong! Beep beep beep! Poopie on your head! Dee-dee-dee! Ting tong beep boop! That's your soul!
ME: Wow! Really?
HIM: No, I'm just kidding. That's not really your soul.
ME: Oh good. Wow.
HIM: Yes it is! PEE!
Friday, June 30, 2006
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About, well, uh, Religion (?)
(for this to make sense you must know that Zordon, pictured here, is the disembodied leader of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, whom Charlie loves)
HIM: Dad, you know the potato guy?
ME: Zordon, you mean?
HIM: Yeah. Zordon. Well, he made this dragon monster in one episode I saw. And why would Zordon make a monster that could kill the Power Rangers when he's a friend of the Power Rangers?
ME: You mean why would a kind and loving Zordon allow evil dragons to exist in the Power Rangers universe?
HIM: Yeah.
ME: That's a hard one. People have wondered that for a long time. I guess it's a way of letting the Power Rangers know that the struggle against dragons is a daily one and that there will always be supervillains out to get you. So you need to be good whenever and however you can.
HIM: Yeah. It just seems wrong that he would make a dragon.
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Love
(we're driving in the car and listening to the Cake Song "Short Skirt/Long Jacket")
HIM: What kind of girl does he want?
ME: One with a short skirt and a long jacket. One who's sharp as a tack, one who tours the facilities and picks up slack. One who changes her name from Kitty to Karen.
HIM: But what does that mean?
ME: Like a girl who's really serious and is very focused and who concentrates on things.
HIM: Oh. (30 second pause) Well, finding a girl like that is going to be tricky.
(we're driving in the car and listening to the Cake Song "Short Skirt/Long Jacket")
HIM: What kind of girl does he want?
ME: One with a short skirt and a long jacket. One who's sharp as a tack, one who tours the facilities and picks up slack. One who changes her name from Kitty to Karen.
HIM: But what does that mean?
ME: Like a girl who's really serious and is very focused and who concentrates on things.
HIM: Oh. (30 second pause) Well, finding a girl like that is going to be tricky.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Musings on the meaning of friendship offered on NPR
I had a commentary on All Things Considered yesterday all about the relativity of friendship in a MySpace world and how our band, the most important rock band in the world, is now friends with the Dixie Chicks, Elvis Costello, and Willie Nelson. Hear it here.
I had a commentary on All Things Considered yesterday all about the relativity of friendship in a MySpace world and how our band, the most important rock band in the world, is now friends with the Dixie Chicks, Elvis Costello, and Willie Nelson. Hear it here.
Monday, June 19, 2006
We Like You, John, But Where Do We Go To Read Essentially Meaningless Quotes By You?
Well, this blog for one.
Or here.
Well, this blog for one.
Or here.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
What Would You Ask Douglas Coupland?
I'm interviewing him tonight on stage at something called the Seesound Lounge which is apparently in Seattle. That's provided I find it, of course.
Perhaps this is becoming a series.
Update: The interview was last night. No radio, unfortunately. It was a great time and he was a swell fellow. The club had only one microphone so we had to pass it back and forth, Beastie Boys style. Talked about how we're now in the golden innocent age of Google, the Texaco Star Theater era, and how it's just going to get so much darker from here. Coupland kept getting feedback on the mic while I never did, which is curious because it's the same mic.
I'm interviewing him tonight on stage at something called the Seesound Lounge which is apparently in Seattle. That's provided I find it, of course.
Perhaps this is becoming a series.
Update: The interview was last night. No radio, unfortunately. It was a great time and he was a swell fellow. The club had only one microphone so we had to pass it back and forth, Beastie Boys style. Talked about how we're now in the golden innocent age of Google, the Texaco Star Theater era, and how it's just going to get so much darker from here. Coupland kept getting feedback on the mic while I never did, which is curious because it's the same mic.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Well, this will haunt you...
Be forewarned, the Japanese are getting in shape and learning defensive, vaguely hostile rebuttals in English.
"It's your fault that this happened" is my favorite.
via Boing Boing
Be forewarned, the Japanese are getting in shape and learning defensive, vaguely hostile rebuttals in English.
"It's your fault that this happened" is my favorite.
via Boing Boing
What Would You Ask Mark Mothersbaugh?
As you may know, I work at some public radio station. On Friday, I'm interviewing Mr. Devo, Mr. Film Scores From All Wes Anderson Movies, Mark Mothersbaugh. I have some ideas what to ask him but thought I'd throw it out there to y'all as well.
Generally in interviews, you pick a focus question and then build it around that. The focus won't be the flower pot hats but that will come up. What else?
As you may know, I work at some public radio station. On Friday, I'm interviewing Mr. Devo, Mr. Film Scores From All Wes Anderson Movies, Mark Mothersbaugh. I have some ideas what to ask him but thought I'd throw it out there to y'all as well.
Generally in interviews, you pick a focus question and then build it around that. The focus won't be the flower pot hats but that will come up. What else?
Monday, June 12, 2006
How Is Your Book Going?
Thanks for asking. Well, there's lots to say. I'll try not to make it tedious.
1. Last week, I went to the post office with a large heavy pile of papers. It was the copyedited version of the book that had been gone through with colored pencil by a copy editor who was savvy enough to notice that apparently I've been mixing up "each other" and "one another" forever because I got it wrong every time. Anyway, then I had to go through the copy editor's notes and make corrections of my own in a different color of pencil and then mail the stack of 310 pages back to them. By mail. There is nothing electronic left in the process. So for $25 I express mailed it all back to NYC where it will now be turned into a "galley", the almost final version that is mailed to reviewers, blurbers, bookstores, and hopefully me. Then I get one last chance to tinker before it becomes a book.
2. I think the book might be very good. Or crap. But I feel better about the former than ever before.
3. Part of it might be appearing in a national publication but I don't know fer sure yet.
4. There will apparently be a website where I have been asked to blog. Not sure if it will be a permanent site where I'll migrate all this or if I'll double blog for a while. Will let you know.
5. We don't know what the cover is to look like. We think we know the subtitle but there may yet be tinkering.
6. I got to write the acknowledgements recently. An amazingly gratifying experience, actually.
7. It's available for pre-order on what is, for the moment, a very lackluster Amazon page.
Thanks for asking. Well, there's lots to say. I'll try not to make it tedious.
1. Last week, I went to the post office with a large heavy pile of papers. It was the copyedited version of the book that had been gone through with colored pencil by a copy editor who was savvy enough to notice that apparently I've been mixing up "each other" and "one another" forever because I got it wrong every time. Anyway, then I had to go through the copy editor's notes and make corrections of my own in a different color of pencil and then mail the stack of 310 pages back to them. By mail. There is nothing electronic left in the process. So for $25 I express mailed it all back to NYC where it will now be turned into a "galley", the almost final version that is mailed to reviewers, blurbers, bookstores, and hopefully me. Then I get one last chance to tinker before it becomes a book.
2. I think the book might be very good. Or crap. But I feel better about the former than ever before.
3. Part of it might be appearing in a national publication but I don't know fer sure yet.
4. There will apparently be a website where I have been asked to blog. Not sure if it will be a permanent site where I'll migrate all this or if I'll double blog for a while. Will let you know.
5. We don't know what the cover is to look like. We think we know the subtitle but there may yet be tinkering.
6. I got to write the acknowledgements recently. An amazingly gratifying experience, actually.
7. It's available for pre-order on what is, for the moment, a very lackluster Amazon page.
It Doesn't Make Sense...
but it's a scene from Lord of the Rings with all the dialogue replaced by moronic groans and moanings. And you will laugh.
via Boing Boing
but it's a scene from Lord of the Rings with all the dialogue replaced by moronic groans and moanings. And you will laugh.
via Boing Boing
Friday, June 09, 2006
A Debate with Charlie (Age 5) About Monsters
HIM: Dad, which island had the crazier monsters? King Kong's island or Godzilla's island?
ME: I don't think Godzilla had an island. Didn't he live under the sea?
HIM: I'm pretty sure he had an island. I saw it at my friend's house. So who had crazier monsters?
ME: Well, I think King Kong. I mean, giant apes and t-rex on the same island? Can't get much crazier than that.
HIM: I think it's Godzilla. He has serpents. They're bigger than snakes and they breathe fire. That's the craziest.
ME: Crazier than t-rex?
HIM: They live in the water and they breathe fire, Dad. That is CRAZY!
HIM: Dad, which island had the crazier monsters? King Kong's island or Godzilla's island?
ME: I don't think Godzilla had an island. Didn't he live under the sea?
HIM: I'm pretty sure he had an island. I saw it at my friend's house. So who had crazier monsters?
ME: Well, I think King Kong. I mean, giant apes and t-rex on the same island? Can't get much crazier than that.
HIM: I think it's Godzilla. He has serpents. They're bigger than snakes and they breathe fire. That's the craziest.
ME: Crazier than t-rex?
HIM: They live in the water and they breathe fire, Dad. That is CRAZY!
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Because Maybe You Do Want to Know What I Thought of Raymond Carver in College
So the brilliant Kevin Guilfoile has managed to be a successful humor writer and thriller novelist. I like to think that if I pitched away this whole Seattle thing and moved to Chicago, he'd be my friend. He invited me to be part of this cool Field Tested Books series where writers talk about books read in specific places and how place has an impact on the book. Some of my other fave-rave authors are there too. Here's what I wrote.
It's about what we talk about when we talk about What We Talk About When We Talk About Love.
So the brilliant Kevin Guilfoile has managed to be a successful humor writer and thriller novelist. I like to think that if I pitched away this whole Seattle thing and moved to Chicago, he'd be my friend. He invited me to be part of this cool Field Tested Books series where writers talk about books read in specific places and how place has an impact on the book. Some of my other fave-rave authors are there too. Here's what I wrote.
It's about what we talk about when we talk about What We Talk About When We Talk About Love.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Action Boys
The largest thing in the life of Charlie (Age 5) right now is superheroes. Their history, morality, occupations, secret identity, it's all very important and must be discussed pretty much all the time. Spiderman, Superman, the Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Batman, all the big ones. But then a few weeks ago, Charlie mentioned how he and the other boys at his preschool like to be Action Boys. Turns out Action Boys are a squadron of superheroes based at the school who more or less spend their life battling the five-year-old girls in their class. Their preferred method for such battles? "We scream and run away from them!" reports Charlie.
Seems simple enough. But the other day, I overheard Charlie in casual conversation with a friend at school:
FRIEND: Yeah, I saw Action Boys on TV yesterday.
CHARLIE: Oh, which one was it?
FRIEND: It was when Action Boys battled the wolf monster. Like a really big wolf monster guy.
CHARLIE: Was I in that one?
FRIEND: I can't remember. Which one are you?
CHARLIE: I'm the red one. I'm the most powerfulest one.
FRIEND: Well, I know I was in it. I'm the turquoise Action Boy. I don't know if you were in it.
CHARLIE: I think so. I think I was in that one.
HIM: I think I'm the most powerfulest one.
CHARLIE: No, I think you're the fastest. The turquoise one is the fastest.
HIM: Oh.
CHARLIE: Was that episode three you saw?
HIM: Yes.
Turns out there are twelve episodes of Action Boys. And, of course, no there aren't. Charlie and his friends have imagined not just superhero pretend-play indentities, but ones that are fully licensed, serialized, and episodic. And dedicated to the cause of fighting girls by running from them while screaming.
ACTION BOYS!
I totally want a t-shirt. Can someone design a logo?
Update!: Someone did! A big shout out to the Kansas City Roller Warriors!
The largest thing in the life of Charlie (Age 5) right now is superheroes. Their history, morality, occupations, secret identity, it's all very important and must be discussed pretty much all the time. Spiderman, Superman, the Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Batman, all the big ones. But then a few weeks ago, Charlie mentioned how he and the other boys at his preschool like to be Action Boys. Turns out Action Boys are a squadron of superheroes based at the school who more or less spend their life battling the five-year-old girls in their class. Their preferred method for such battles? "We scream and run away from them!" reports Charlie.
Seems simple enough. But the other day, I overheard Charlie in casual conversation with a friend at school:
FRIEND: Yeah, I saw Action Boys on TV yesterday.
CHARLIE: Oh, which one was it?
FRIEND: It was when Action Boys battled the wolf monster. Like a really big wolf monster guy.
CHARLIE: Was I in that one?
FRIEND: I can't remember. Which one are you?
CHARLIE: I'm the red one. I'm the most powerfulest one.
FRIEND: Well, I know I was in it. I'm the turquoise Action Boy. I don't know if you were in it.
CHARLIE: I think so. I think I was in that one.
HIM: I think I'm the most powerfulest one.
CHARLIE: No, I think you're the fastest. The turquoise one is the fastest.
HIM: Oh.
CHARLIE: Was that episode three you saw?
HIM: Yes.
Turns out there are twelve episodes of Action Boys. And, of course, no there aren't. Charlie and his friends have imagined not just superhero pretend-play indentities, but ones that are fully licensed, serialized, and episodic. And dedicated to the cause of fighting girls by running from them while screaming.
ACTION BOYS!
I totally want a t-shirt. Can someone design a logo?
Update!: Someone did! A big shout out to the Kansas City Roller Warriors!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
In Compliance with the Federal Self-Promotion Act of 2006
I now have a MySpace page dedicated to the cause of hyping myself to become more famouser and sell books that don't technically exist yet.
I now have a MySpace page dedicated to the cause of hyping myself to become more famouser and sell books that don't technically exist yet.
I Wonder If This Will Work
Technorati has a constantly updated list of most searched on terms. What if I worked them all into a few sentences?
Lordi! Jesse Macbeth and John Tierney bought a new Macbook? They must have been intrigued by the part in the DaVinci Code where Al Gore Pulls His Punches, and injures Barbaro. But has Jessie Macbeth seen the Dixie Chicks page on MySpace? Regardless, I hope that Madonna can defeat Jack Bauer, who as we all know is fond of driving his Opel while creating a Podcast update on Vista Beta 2. I guess unless we hear from Taylor Hicks and/or Katharine McPhee, we'll never know for sure. (those last two aren't on the list yet but I think it's a safe bet).
Technorati has a constantly updated list of most searched on terms. What if I worked them all into a few sentences?
Lordi! Jesse Macbeth and John Tierney bought a new Macbook? They must have been intrigued by the part in the DaVinci Code where Al Gore Pulls His Punches, and injures Barbaro. But has Jessie Macbeth seen the Dixie Chicks page on MySpace? Regardless, I hope that Madonna can defeat Jack Bauer, who as we all know is fond of driving his Opel while creating a Podcast update on Vista Beta 2. I guess unless we hear from Taylor Hicks and/or Katharine McPhee, we'll never know for sure. (those last two aren't on the list yet but I think it's a safe bet).
I'm Not Actually Dead
Just blogging like it.
Kate (Age 3) was playing with a fuzzy pen I got her.
ME: Do you know where I got that?
HER: Yeah! Ballet!
ME: What? Ballet?
HER: You went to ballet!
ME: No no. I went to L.A.
HER: L.A.?
ME: Yeah, there's a big difference, actually. I don't think I would have gone to ballet for five days.
But I did go to L.A. for five days, filling in hosting on Weekend America. You can hear the show here. Highlights of the week included meeting the creators of the most awesomest pilot in the world, Heat Vision and Jack. And also unleashing Kate (Age 3) and Charlie (Age 5) upon the world, along with some of their classmates and teachers. They put me up at the semi-swanky Bonaventure Hotel in downtown Ballet. It's big and circular and seen in tons of movies, notable True Lies. In the evenings, I sat around and watched cable TV. In the day I made radio.
Just blogging like it.
Kate (Age 3) was playing with a fuzzy pen I got her.
ME: Do you know where I got that?
HER: Yeah! Ballet!
ME: What? Ballet?
HER: You went to ballet!
ME: No no. I went to L.A.
HER: L.A.?
ME: Yeah, there's a big difference, actually. I don't think I would have gone to ballet for five days.
But I did go to L.A. for five days, filling in hosting on Weekend America. You can hear the show here. Highlights of the week included meeting the creators of the most awesomest pilot in the world, Heat Vision and Jack. And also unleashing Kate (Age 3) and Charlie (Age 5) upon the world, along with some of their classmates and teachers. They put me up at the semi-swanky Bonaventure Hotel in downtown Ballet. It's big and circular and seen in tons of movies, notable True Lies. In the evenings, I sat around and watched cable TV. In the day I made radio.
Friday, May 12, 2006
A Troubling Realization
So I was at the circus school last night with Charlie (Age 5), he takes a rudimentary acrobatics/jumping around class there in preparation for his future career as an itinerant entertainer (or, failing that, carny). And I noticed they had a big butcher paper sign with a thermometer that represented their fundraising efforts being slowly colored in. I realized that I see these signs Everywhere. I. Go.
Almost all of the major institutions in my life involve fundraising:
* Circus school
* the preschool both kids go to
* the YMCA where I exercise and the kids take classes
* public radio where I work
* and, when you think about it, my home since aren't we all fundraisers for ourselves?
I tell you, if Starbucks or Safeway starts holding pledge drives, there will be nothing left.
It makes me wonder if I should be doing something more lucrative with my life.
So I was at the circus school last night with Charlie (Age 5), he takes a rudimentary acrobatics/jumping around class there in preparation for his future career as an itinerant entertainer (or, failing that, carny). And I noticed they had a big butcher paper sign with a thermometer that represented their fundraising efforts being slowly colored in. I realized that I see these signs Everywhere. I. Go.
Almost all of the major institutions in my life involve fundraising:
* Circus school
* the preschool both kids go to
* the YMCA where I exercise and the kids take classes
* public radio where I work
* and, when you think about it, my home since aren't we all fundraisers for ourselves?
I tell you, if Starbucks or Safeway starts holding pledge drives, there will be nothing left.
It makes me wonder if I should be doing something more lucrative with my life.
Monday, May 08, 2006
How Is Your Book Going?
Haven't written one of these in a while, have I? Probably because every time someone asked me in real life I just shook my head and muttered something and then ran away.
It
Was
Hard
Writing
A
Book.
But after struggling through some wonderful edits by my wonderful editor over the last few months, I managed to cut down the manuscript from 122k words to about 89k. Sections of reading Hannity books at bauhaus coffee in Seattle, watching a lot of Fox News, and visiting the Quayle museum in Indiana were all cut. Other parts were cut down. There's a lot less reflection than there used to be. More action. And a completely re-written last chapter.
Along the way, the jokes I wrote way last summer had long ceased to be entertaining. Were they still funny? I had no idea. Did the chapters fit together? Guess so. Was it well written? Uh...maybe.
Fortunately, Beloved Editor seems to like it just fine and he's a bigshot New York editor. It's off to copyediting, then galleys, then book. I'm apparently going to Washington, Boston, New York, LA, San Francisco, and Portland on the tour. Nowhere in the middle of the country, evidently.
Haven't written one of these in a while, have I? Probably because every time someone asked me in real life I just shook my head and muttered something and then ran away.
It
Was
Hard
Writing
A
Book.
But after struggling through some wonderful edits by my wonderful editor over the last few months, I managed to cut down the manuscript from 122k words to about 89k. Sections of reading Hannity books at bauhaus coffee in Seattle, watching a lot of Fox News, and visiting the Quayle museum in Indiana were all cut. Other parts were cut down. There's a lot less reflection than there used to be. More action. And a completely re-written last chapter.
Along the way, the jokes I wrote way last summer had long ceased to be entertaining. Were they still funny? I had no idea. Did the chapters fit together? Guess so. Was it well written? Uh...maybe.
Fortunately, Beloved Editor seems to like it just fine and he's a bigshot New York editor. It's off to copyediting, then galleys, then book. I'm apparently going to Washington, Boston, New York, LA, San Francisco, and Portland on the tour. Nowhere in the middle of the country, evidently.
Friday, May 05, 2006
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Superheroes
HIM: So in Batman is The Joker a funny guy?
ME: Not really, no. He's mean.
HIM: But he makes jokes!
ME: Yeah, but he's not really funny.
HIM: Well, what kind of jokes does he make? What kind of jokes aren't funny?
ME: Maybe ones that make fun of people.
HIM: Or boring ones! Maybe he makes boring jokes! Like, knock knock.
ME: Who's there?
HIM: Oh (long pause) ...work...
ME: That's the joke?
HIM: Yeah. Maybe The Joker makes jokes like that.
ME: So he's got a super power of making really boring jokes that aren't funny?
HIM: Yeah, I think so.
HIM: So in Batman is The Joker a funny guy?
ME: Not really, no. He's mean.
HIM: But he makes jokes!
ME: Yeah, but he's not really funny.
HIM: Well, what kind of jokes does he make? What kind of jokes aren't funny?
ME: Maybe ones that make fun of people.
HIM: Or boring ones! Maybe he makes boring jokes! Like, knock knock.
ME: Who's there?
HIM: Oh (long pause) ...work...
ME: That's the joke?
HIM: Yeah. Maybe The Joker makes jokes like that.
ME: So he's got a super power of making really boring jokes that aren't funny?
HIM: Yeah, I think so.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Friday, April 21, 2006
If I May Talk Sports For a Moment...
Isaiah Thomas is a highly recruited high school point guard from Tacoma (and of course shares a name with The Worst GM Ever). He announced yesterday that he'll go to Washington and so there was an article in today's paper.
But hidden in the article is this:
"He was named Isaiah because his father, James, a Boeing jet final assembly inspector who stands just 5-7, lost a bet during a Lakers-Pistons NBA finals, and the player's mother, Bettina Baltrip, wanted something biblical."
Lost a bet! Dude's life is defined by James's gambling ineptitude! Will this news encourage more nomenclature-based wagering? Nine months from now will we see kids named Zydrunas Ilgauskas Johnson? Or Andres Nocioni McGee?
Isaiah Thomas is a highly recruited high school point guard from Tacoma (and of course shares a name with The Worst GM Ever). He announced yesterday that he'll go to Washington and so there was an article in today's paper.
But hidden in the article is this:
"He was named Isaiah because his father, James, a Boeing jet final assembly inspector who stands just 5-7, lost a bet during a Lakers-Pistons NBA finals, and the player's mother, Bettina Baltrip, wanted something biblical."
Lost a bet! Dude's life is defined by James's gambling ineptitude! Will this news encourage more nomenclature-based wagering? Nine months from now will we see kids named Zydrunas Ilgauskas Johnson? Or Andres Nocioni McGee?
A Song Idly Sung by Kate (Age 3) When She Thought No One Was Listening That Reflects the Musical Influence and Frequent Lyrical Themes of Her Brother (Age 5)
Twinkle twinkle little poop
How I wonder why you poop
Up above the world so poop
Like a diamond in the poop
How I wonder where you poop
How I wonder why you poop
Twinkle twinkle little poop
How I wonder why you poop
Up above the world so poop
Like a diamond in the poop
How I wonder where you poop
How I wonder why you poop
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Matthew Baldwin will make you weep
With this poignant post about the old Farrell's ice cream/embarrassment parlors. But the good news is the founder of Farrell's is now a motivational speaker and purveyor of the most awesomest website ever in the history of ever.
With this poignant post about the old Farrell's ice cream/embarrassment parlors. But the good news is the founder of Farrell's is now a motivational speaker and purveyor of the most awesomest website ever in the history of ever.
Monday, April 17, 2006
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Superheroes
HIM: Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Power Rangers, Jesus, Underdog, Ninja Turtles, Ninjas. How many superheroes are there?
ME: There are lots.
HIM: Where do they come from?
ME: Mostly, people just make them up.
HIM: Can we make them up?
ME: Of course we can. What superhero should we make up?
HIM: Uh...how about...Super Building!
ME: And what would he do?
HIM: He'd have a flag on top. And he would get the bad guys to go inside him and then TRAP them inside.
ME: Super Building. And would he walk and talk.
HIM: Yeah. One time at school, me and the boys were superheroes. We were called Action Boys and we fought the girls.
ME: Action Boys. Who thought that up?
HIM: Oh, me.
ME: Could Super Building and Action Boys team up to be superheroes together?
HIM: Hmm. Maybe. I'm not sure.
HIM: Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Power Rangers, Jesus, Underdog, Ninja Turtles, Ninjas. How many superheroes are there?
ME: There are lots.
HIM: Where do they come from?
ME: Mostly, people just make them up.
HIM: Can we make them up?
ME: Of course we can. What superhero should we make up?
HIM: Uh...how about...Super Building!
ME: And what would he do?
HIM: He'd have a flag on top. And he would get the bad guys to go inside him and then TRAP them inside.
ME: Super Building. And would he walk and talk.
HIM: Yeah. One time at school, me and the boys were superheroes. We were called Action Boys and we fought the girls.
ME: Action Boys. Who thought that up?
HIM: Oh, me.
ME: Could Super Building and Action Boys team up to be superheroes together?
HIM: Hmm. Maybe. I'm not sure.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Two Stories by Charlie (Age 5)
Despite a documented denouncement of imagination, my boy has been branching into fiction.
1.
Once there was a giant duck with sharp teeth and he was as big as the whole world. And he ate all the trees and the houses and he kept eating and he ate the world. Then he ate all the other planets and he ate the sun. Then he ate all the stars and they made new planets and he ate all those too. Then he traveled back in time and ate all the dinosaurs and everything. Then he spit it back out again and everything was okay.
2.
Once there was a giant ferocious squid. And he was as big, bigger than the tallest tree. And he ate a whale and ate all the plankton and ate everything. And he ate a piece of whale poop that was bigger than the whole world! And then he ate the world and the sun and all the planets. He ate everything. And then he died! Aaaaaaand then he turned into a robot.
(ME: Whoa! I did not see that ending with the robot coming!)
Yeah. I know. It makes it more exciting.
Despite a documented denouncement of imagination, my boy has been branching into fiction.
1.
Once there was a giant duck with sharp teeth and he was as big as the whole world. And he ate all the trees and the houses and he kept eating and he ate the world. Then he ate all the other planets and he ate the sun. Then he ate all the stars and they made new planets and he ate all those too. Then he traveled back in time and ate all the dinosaurs and everything. Then he spit it back out again and everything was okay.
2.
Once there was a giant ferocious squid. And he was as big, bigger than the tallest tree. And he ate a whale and ate all the plankton and ate everything. And he ate a piece of whale poop that was bigger than the whole world! And then he ate the world and the sun and all the planets. He ate everything. And then he died! Aaaaaaand then he turned into a robot.
(ME: Whoa! I did not see that ending with the robot coming!)
Yeah. I know. It makes it more exciting.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
A Conundrum
My routine for writing this whole damn book has often involved the West Seattle Uptown Espresso, The Postal Service's album on the iTunes, and writing a book. I wear headphones because the barista usually only plays old Stevie Wonder or Beastie Boys. But today, as I edit at same coffeeshop, the barist is playing The Postal Service. So what do I do? I'm telling myself that I'll just listen w/o headphones since it's the same music. But I know within minutes I'll have those headphones on again. Book's going okay. The cover and subtitle were locked in place a few weeks ago and now they're both in flux once again.
My routine for writing this whole damn book has often involved the West Seattle Uptown Espresso, The Postal Service's album on the iTunes, and writing a book. I wear headphones because the barista usually only plays old Stevie Wonder or Beastie Boys. But today, as I edit at same coffeeshop, the barist is playing The Postal Service. So what do I do? I'm telling myself that I'll just listen w/o headphones since it's the same music. But I know within minutes I'll have those headphones on again. Book's going okay. The cover and subtitle were locked in place a few weeks ago and now they're both in flux once again.
Friday, March 31, 2006
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Sympathetic Characters
HIM: Dad, is Godzilla a bad guy?
ME: Well, I don't know. I think he's neither bad nor good. He's just a lizard monster.
HIM: I don't think he's bad. I saw a Godzilla at my friend's house and he was fighting this giant fish. And I don't think he's bad.
ME: Okay.
HIM: You know what I think?
ME: What?
HIM: I think he's misunderstood. Godzilla is misunderstood, Dad.
HIM: Dad, is Godzilla a bad guy?
ME: Well, I don't know. I think he's neither bad nor good. He's just a lizard monster.
HIM: I don't think he's bad. I saw a Godzilla at my friend's house and he was fighting this giant fish. And I don't think he's bad.
ME: Okay.
HIM: You know what I think?
ME: What?
HIM: I think he's misunderstood. Godzilla is misunderstood, Dad.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I Think I Better Quit Radio and Book Writing
And go work in videogames. Because nothing is cooler than this and this is the future. It's a video of Spore, the new game from Will Wright who made The Sims.
And go work in videogames. Because nothing is cooler than this and this is the future. It's a video of Spore, the new game from Will Wright who made The Sims.
Monday, March 13, 2006
You May Wish to Avoid Charlie (Age 5) on April 1st
HIM: You know what would be a funny April Fool's?
ME: What?
HIM: If you shot someone with a gun that didn't kill them but made them fall asleep!
ME: What? That's horrible!
HIM: Well, it wouldn't kill them. They would just get shot and then --OOH!-- fall asleep.
ME: But they would think they were dying as they fell asleep. And then they would wake up and be really confused.
HIM: Yeah! It would be so funny! And you'd yell "April Fool's!"
HIM: You know what would be a funny April Fool's?
ME: What?
HIM: If you shot someone with a gun that didn't kill them but made them fall asleep!
ME: What? That's horrible!
HIM: Well, it wouldn't kill them. They would just get shot and then --OOH!-- fall asleep.
ME: But they would think they were dying as they fell asleep. And then they would wake up and be really confused.
HIM: Yeah! It would be so funny! And you'd yell "April Fool's!"
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
MySpace
Our rocky roll band, Chicken Starship, the most important band in the world, has a MySpace page. I still don't, like, get the whole MySpace thing. But I've been having fun with the feature where you invite people to be your friends who aren't really your friends. And my favorite part is the sentence that today's invitations has generated:
"Currently awaiting approval from Motorhead"
Am I ever. Explains a lot of issues in my life, actually.
Update: Elvis Costello, Willie Nelson, Lucinda Williams, Tift Merritt, Franz Ferdinand, and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah have all signed on as "friends". It's odd, the more famous friends we get, the more I feel like a big loser.
Our rocky roll band, Chicken Starship, the most important band in the world, has a MySpace page. I still don't, like, get the whole MySpace thing. But I've been having fun with the feature where you invite people to be your friends who aren't really your friends. And my favorite part is the sentence that today's invitations has generated:
"Currently awaiting approval from Motorhead"
Am I ever. Explains a lot of issues in my life, actually.
Update: Elvis Costello, Willie Nelson, Lucinda Williams, Tift Merritt, Franz Ferdinand, and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah have all signed on as "friends". It's odd, the more famous friends we get, the more I feel like a big loser.
Monday, March 06, 2006
My Own Version of Crash
I was in Los Angeles last week, hosting a radio show down there. Had a lovely time. Thanks for asking. For lunch, I sometimes went to a little cafe in the building. One of those featureless lunch places found in office parks. I ordered the California Club sandwich, figuring since I was in California I might as well. The guy working there kept glaring at me while he made the sandwich. I wondered what I had done wrong. I will point out here that he was of a different ethnicity, which is something I thought of only because I had recently seen Crash and while I hated it I wondered if that's what LA was really like. So anyway, back to the sandwich. Finally, he handed it to me.
HIM: There was no bacon. We're out.
ME: Oh. Okay.
HIM: So I put some extra turkey on there. And guacamole. You understand?
ME: Yes. Yes, I think so.
HIM: So now we're even. Okay?
ME: We're even?
HIM: We're even.
ME: Okay.
I guess if you're in the cop business or the gang business or the movie business, they make an epic film of your conflicts. But if you're in food service or public radio, you're left to make your own drama out of a club sandwich and the sense of uneasy justice arrived at through bacon substitution. I'm glad we're even.
I was in Los Angeles last week, hosting a radio show down there. Had a lovely time. Thanks for asking. For lunch, I sometimes went to a little cafe in the building. One of those featureless lunch places found in office parks. I ordered the California Club sandwich, figuring since I was in California I might as well. The guy working there kept glaring at me while he made the sandwich. I wondered what I had done wrong. I will point out here that he was of a different ethnicity, which is something I thought of only because I had recently seen Crash and while I hated it I wondered if that's what LA was really like. So anyway, back to the sandwich. Finally, he handed it to me.
HIM: There was no bacon. We're out.
ME: Oh. Okay.
HIM: So I put some extra turkey on there. And guacamole. You understand?
ME: Yes. Yes, I think so.
HIM: So now we're even. Okay?
ME: We're even?
HIM: We're even.
ME: Okay.
I guess if you're in the cop business or the gang business or the movie business, they make an epic film of your conflicts. But if you're in food service or public radio, you're left to make your own drama out of a club sandwich and the sense of uneasy justice arrived at through bacon substitution. I'm glad we're even.
Dropping Like a Stone
For a day or so, the book was at #138,000 or something. Today, back down to the 400's. I have hope there might be an uptick in seven months when it's released seven months from now and gathers publicity. But if not, it was a wild ride!
For a day or so, the book was at #138,000 or something. Today, back down to the 400's. I have hope there might be an uptick in seven months when it's released seven months from now and gathers publicity. But if not, it was a wild ride!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Sorry for the low output of posting
Full refunds for all. I've been in Los Angeles, hosting Weekend America for a week. And a weekend.
Full refunds for all. I've been in Los Angeles, hosting Weekend America for a week. And a weekend.
Friday, February 24, 2006
I'm Not Sure You Know About Jonathan Coulton
You probably do. But in case you don't, find out. For crying out loud, find out.
Here are his songs that you can listen to or buy.
Skullcrusher Mountain, Baby Got Back, W's Duty, The Town Crotch, and Chiron Beta Prime are among my favorites.
You probably do. But in case you don't, find out. For crying out loud, find out.
Here are his songs that you can listen to or buy.
Skullcrusher Mountain, Baby Got Back, W's Duty, The Town Crotch, and Chiron Beta Prime are among my favorites.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Jokes Written by Charlie (Age 5) That Indicate Either a Lack of Understanding About What Jokes Are, or an Absolute Mastery of the Medium
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja I'm fighting crime I'm gonna fight the computer for lunch
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja that sword in the computer is not a sword it's a paintbrush
Knock knock
Who's there?
Pooh
Pooh who?
Knock knock. That was just the last part of the joke.
What do you get when you cross a woolly mammoth with a saber tooth tiger?
Woolly bite.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja I'm in the picture--dah!--I'm gonna fight the crime in the picture
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Meow.
What do you get when you cross a woolly mammoth with a sloth and a
saber tooth tiger
Woolly lazy, lazy, lazy woolly bone bites.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja that's a big robot why do I have such a hard shell ow!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja would you like half of my sloth burger?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja would you like half of my ninja burger?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Gotta go, I gotta fight the robot in the crime city.
Where do you get food from the ice age?
In a question store. And that's where you buy questions.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
I'm gonna charge through your door cause I'm a triceratops.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
Chomp
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
I'm an ankylosaurus and I'm with a triceratops.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Question.
Question who?
Would you like half of my question burger?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja I'm fighting crime I'm gonna fight the computer for lunch
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja that sword in the computer is not a sword it's a paintbrush
Knock knock
Who's there?
Pooh
Pooh who?
Knock knock. That was just the last part of the joke.
What do you get when you cross a woolly mammoth with a saber tooth tiger?
Woolly bite.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja I'm in the picture--dah!--I'm gonna fight the crime in the picture
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Meow.
What do you get when you cross a woolly mammoth with a sloth and a
saber tooth tiger
Woolly lazy, lazy, lazy woolly bone bites.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja that's a big robot why do I have such a hard shell ow!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja would you like half of my sloth burger?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja would you like half of my ninja burger?
Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Gotta go, I gotta fight the robot in the crime city.
Where do you get food from the ice age?
In a question store. And that's where you buy questions.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
I'm gonna charge through your door cause I'm a triceratops.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
Chomp
Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
I'm an ankylosaurus and I'm with a triceratops.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Question.
Question who?
Would you like half of my question burger?
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5) Wherein He Shatters the Myth
HIM: Dad, imagination is boring.
ME: What? It is?
HIM: Yeah. Imagining things. That's boring!
ME: Why do you say that?
HIM: Because you don't get to do anything. You don't go anywhere. You don't do anything. You just sit there and think.
ME: What's better than imagining things?
HIM: Doing stuff! Doing stuff is cool! Imagination is SO BORING!
ME: Well. Okay. You have a pretty good point there.
HIM: Dad, imagination is boring.
ME: What? It is?
HIM: Yeah. Imagining things. That's boring!
ME: Why do you say that?
HIM: Because you don't get to do anything. You don't go anywhere. You don't do anything. You just sit there and think.
ME: What's better than imagining things?
HIM: Doing stuff! Doing stuff is cool! Imagination is SO BORING!
ME: Well. Okay. You have a pretty good point there.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
A Bargain
I was at a Walgreen's drug store yesterday and the elderly cashier was wearing a button that said "A FREE DISPOSABLE CAMERA if I forget to tell you about our daily special". She didn't tell me about the daily special. But I didn't ask for the camera. True, that would have been a prize. But I chose a different prize: avoidance of an awkward situation. And that was a prize for both the cashier and me.
I was at a Walgreen's drug store yesterday and the elderly cashier was wearing a button that said "A FREE DISPOSABLE CAMERA if I forget to tell you about our daily special". She didn't tell me about the daily special. But I didn't ask for the camera. True, that would have been a prize. But I chose a different prize: avoidance of an awkward situation. And that was a prize for both the cashier and me.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5)
ME: If you had a whole day to do whatever you wanted, anything in the world, what would you do?
HIM: (thinks for a while) Yell.
ME: Yell?
HIM: Yeah. I'd yell a lot.
ME: I mean whatever you wanted. You could go anywhere you want, do anything, whatever you want.
HIM: I know.
ME: Yell?
HIM: Yeah. I really like yelling.
ME: Would there be anything else you would do besides the yelling? I can't imagine it would take the whole day.
HIM: I would be quiet too. I'd yell and then be quiet and then yell.
ME: Sounds fun.
ME: If you had a whole day to do whatever you wanted, anything in the world, what would you do?
HIM: (thinks for a while) Yell.
ME: Yell?
HIM: Yeah. I'd yell a lot.
ME: I mean whatever you wanted. You could go anywhere you want, do anything, whatever you want.
HIM: I know.
ME: Yell?
HIM: Yeah. I really like yelling.
ME: Would there be anything else you would do besides the yelling? I can't imagine it would take the whole day.
HIM: I would be quiet too. I'd yell and then be quiet and then yell.
ME: Sounds fun.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) In Which He Recognizes Reality
the family was in the playroom in that post-dinner, pre-bedtime period when Charlie had an idea for the family to play a game that's popular in his preschool class of 20 or so children
HIM: Let's play Who's Missing!
ME: How do you play?
HIM: Everyone puts their head down and closes their eyes. Then I tap one person and they have to go hide. And then everyone has to figure out who's missing.
(everyone looks around the room, realizing that there are only four of us and we all look pretty dramatically different from one another)
ME: Okay. Let's give it a try.
HIM: Hmm. It probably won't be as exciting as it is at school. But let's do it!
the family was in the playroom in that post-dinner, pre-bedtime period when Charlie had an idea for the family to play a game that's popular in his preschool class of 20 or so children
HIM: Let's play Who's Missing!
ME: How do you play?
HIM: Everyone puts their head down and closes their eyes. Then I tap one person and they have to go hide. And then everyone has to figure out who's missing.
(everyone looks around the room, realizing that there are only four of us and we all look pretty dramatically different from one another)
ME: Okay. Let's give it a try.
HIM: Hmm. It probably won't be as exciting as it is at school. But let's do it!
Why There Are Blogs
Lakers coach Phil Jackson complains about Mavericks owner Mark Cuban to the press. Cuban puts up post on his blog titled "I Own Phil Jackson". Because he does. And he says it. I'm a Mavericks fan now. Even more because they dumped Michael Finley and because Avery Johnson gave me some great quotes for a story once.
Lakers coach Phil Jackson complains about Mavericks owner Mark Cuban to the press. Cuban puts up post on his blog titled "I Own Phil Jackson". Because he does. And he says it. I'm a Mavericks fan now. Even more because they dumped Michael Finley and because Avery Johnson gave me some great quotes for a story once.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Famous People It's Okay To Like
As part of my work at some radio station, I sometimes come across people who are, to varying degrees, famous. Maybe I interview them, maybe they just pass through the green room. And sometimes one is nervous to meet famous people because you might enjoy their work but what if they're jerks? Here are some nice famous people (note: there are other nice famous people I've met who are not on this list so if you've heard me talk to someone on the radio and they're not here, it just means I'm forgetful and not thorough)
David Sedaris
Jamie Moyer
Jeff Tweedy
Slick Watts
Bonnie Dunbar
John Flansburgh
Krist Novoselic
As part of my work at some radio station, I sometimes come across people who are, to varying degrees, famous. Maybe I interview them, maybe they just pass through the green room. And sometimes one is nervous to meet famous people because you might enjoy their work but what if they're jerks? Here are some nice famous people (note: there are other nice famous people I've met who are not on this list so if you've heard me talk to someone on the radio and they're not here, it just means I'm forgetful and not thorough)
David Sedaris
Jamie Moyer
Jeff Tweedy
Slick Watts
Bonnie Dunbar
John Flansburgh
Krist Novoselic
Friday, February 03, 2006
A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5) About...Something
ME: Who are you hanging out with at preschool these days? Who are your friends?
HIM: Well, mostly (x).
ME: (x)? What about (y)? You and (y) were so close.
HIM: Yeah, but mostly I like (x) now. It's good to get new friends and stop being with other friends, right?
ME: Well, I think it's good to make new friends and keep old friends.
HIM: Okay. Do you want three eyes?
ME: Huh? Three eyes?
HIM: I want four. No. A hundred. I want a HUNDRED EYES!
(an hour later, at bedtime)
ME: Hey Charlie, pretty soon it will be spring.
HIM: And then what will we do?
ME: Lots of things. We'll go to the garden store and get a big bag of...
HIM: Flowers?
ME: Ladybugs.
HIM: Ladybugs! WOW! That's so exciting we'll throw up our brains!
ME: Throw up our brains?
HIM: Yeah!
ME: Why would we do that?
HIM: That's what you do when something is REALLY exciting!
ME: Okay. Spring will come, we'll get ladybugs, then we'll throw up our brains.
ME: Who are you hanging out with at preschool these days? Who are your friends?
HIM: Well, mostly (x).
ME: (x)? What about (y)? You and (y) were so close.
HIM: Yeah, but mostly I like (x) now. It's good to get new friends and stop being with other friends, right?
ME: Well, I think it's good to make new friends and keep old friends.
HIM: Okay. Do you want three eyes?
ME: Huh? Three eyes?
HIM: I want four. No. A hundred. I want a HUNDRED EYES!
(an hour later, at bedtime)
ME: Hey Charlie, pretty soon it will be spring.
HIM: And then what will we do?
ME: Lots of things. We'll go to the garden store and get a big bag of...
HIM: Flowers?
ME: Ladybugs.
HIM: Ladybugs! WOW! That's so exciting we'll throw up our brains!
ME: Throw up our brains?
HIM: Yeah!
ME: Why would we do that?
HIM: That's what you do when something is REALLY exciting!
ME: Okay. Spring will come, we'll get ladybugs, then we'll throw up our brains.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
The Sea Birds Are In The Tremendous Bowl!
I have a commentary thingy on All Things Considered today, with guest vocals from Andy Jensen, Tina Kunz, Matthew Baldwin, and Steve Alliston.
I have a commentary thingy on All Things Considered today, with guest vocals from Andy Jensen, Tina Kunz, Matthew Baldwin, and Steve Alliston.
LAST MINUTE CHANGES TO THE MANUSCRIPT OF MY MEMOIR BEFORE IT GOES TO PRESS, MADE IN LIGHT OF RECENT EVENTS
Page 14 Omit mention of my being the child of 75 whores who birthed me simultaneously using voodoo. Insert, "Mom was a registered nurse and Dad was a freight truck dispatcher."
Page 49 As I cannot recollect precisely how many high school classmates I ensnared in bear traps and being as police records are at best inconclusive, leave out entire passage.
Page 74 through end of chapter Omit all that business about Hal Linden and the roofies and the Satanic cult. Evidence points to this being imagined from a particularly compelling piece of Barney Miller fan fiction that I wrote.
Page 102 Omit being drafted by the Chicago Bears in the third round of 1994 NFL draft. Some say it was me, some say Jim Flanagan, a defensive tackle out of Notre Dame. I don’t want to hold up the printing process by taking the time to verify it.
Page 140 Replace the word "founded" with "adored" in discussion of The Bangles.
Chapter 8 Cut entire chapter with all that business about being on death row for murdering unicorns. It was harrowing and really did shape who I was but book might be more streamlined without it.
Page 171 Omit "Battle of the Bands" guitar solo showdown with Hal Linden.
Page 216 It has come to my attention that it is neither physically nor logistically possible to "strangle Kansas". So I guess I have no argument as to how it happened. Also, might hurt sales in Kansas and parts of Missouri.
Page 217 Same thing with "strangle Peru". To be safe, just cut it.
Page 239 Omit mention of marriages to Gregg Allman and Mitzi Gaynor. Paperwork for these was never processed and I’ve been getting some phone calls.
Page 260 through 344 (end) Omit all discussion of "lessons learned" and "wisdom gained". Replace with hard-core pornography. Ideally, the pornography would involve Hal Linden.
Page 14 Omit mention of my being the child of 75 whores who birthed me simultaneously using voodoo. Insert, "Mom was a registered nurse and Dad was a freight truck dispatcher."
Page 49 As I cannot recollect precisely how many high school classmates I ensnared in bear traps and being as police records are at best inconclusive, leave out entire passage.
Page 74 through end of chapter Omit all that business about Hal Linden and the roofies and the Satanic cult. Evidence points to this being imagined from a particularly compelling piece of Barney Miller fan fiction that I wrote.
Page 102 Omit being drafted by the Chicago Bears in the third round of 1994 NFL draft. Some say it was me, some say Jim Flanagan, a defensive tackle out of Notre Dame. I don’t want to hold up the printing process by taking the time to verify it.
Page 140 Replace the word "founded" with "adored" in discussion of The Bangles.
Chapter 8 Cut entire chapter with all that business about being on death row for murdering unicorns. It was harrowing and really did shape who I was but book might be more streamlined without it.
Page 171 Omit "Battle of the Bands" guitar solo showdown with Hal Linden.
Page 216 It has come to my attention that it is neither physically nor logistically possible to "strangle Kansas". So I guess I have no argument as to how it happened. Also, might hurt sales in Kansas and parts of Missouri.
Page 217 Same thing with "strangle Peru". To be safe, just cut it.
Page 239 Omit mention of marriages to Gregg Allman and Mitzi Gaynor. Paperwork for these was never processed and I’ve been getting some phone calls.
Page 260 through 344 (end) Omit all discussion of "lessons learned" and "wisdom gained". Replace with hard-core pornography. Ideally, the pornography would involve Hal Linden.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Turns Out You Don't Have To Be Quite Published To Be An Expert On Books
I'm in today's New York Daily News talking about the trend of books where people go do crazy things and then write about them. This is because I have written a book where I do crazy things. I have written about them.
The me part:
So what's the lure of the contrived life?
"I've read a lot of traditional memoirs by people in their 20s, and so much is like ordinary life," says Seattle writer John Moe, who just finished writing "Conservatize Me," to be published this fall by William Morrow. In a variation on the fast-food documentary "Supersize Me," Moe spent last summer in a blue wool suit ingesting nothing but red-state culture.
"These books represent a possibilityof life, and that's what's so intriguing," he says. "It's not the life you would originally lead, but the life you can imagine."
I'm in today's New York Daily News talking about the trend of books where people go do crazy things and then write about them. This is because I have written a book where I do crazy things. I have written about them.
The me part:
So what's the lure of the contrived life?
"I've read a lot of traditional memoirs by people in their 20s, and so much is like ordinary life," says Seattle writer John Moe, who just finished writing "Conservatize Me," to be published this fall by William Morrow. In a variation on the fast-food documentary "Supersize Me," Moe spent last summer in a blue wool suit ingesting nothing but red-state culture.
"These books represent a possibilityof life, and that's what's so intriguing," he says. "It's not the life you would originally lead, but the life you can imagine."
Friday, January 27, 2006
I Thought I Was Just In The Seattle Post-Intelligencer...
but now the story is in MSNBC as well. A look at how unenthused Seattle fans seem to be about this whole Super Bowl Extra Large thing. And yeah, the Seattle paper (one of them) is really named the Post-Intelligencer.
My part:
Even sports fans not typically given to the cosmic are struggling to come up with reasons for Seattle's pleased but restrained response. John Moe, a radio talk show host and lifelong Hawks fan, blames disharmony in the stars. He devoted his Monday night show on KUOW-FM to a metaphysical exploration of the question, "Do Sports Matter?"
"We are in a tumultuous universe now -- a world that no longer makes sense -- because if you're a Seahawks fan, you don't understand this territory," he said in an interview.
"In Seattle, sports seasons don't end this way. They end in disappointment. So it's kind of like falling off a ladder and suddenly being able to fly.
"Also, I'm Scandinavian, and we tend to see joy as a postponement of sorrow."
but now the story is in MSNBC as well. A look at how unenthused Seattle fans seem to be about this whole Super Bowl Extra Large thing. And yeah, the Seattle paper (one of them) is really named the Post-Intelligencer.
My part:
Even sports fans not typically given to the cosmic are struggling to come up with reasons for Seattle's pleased but restrained response. John Moe, a radio talk show host and lifelong Hawks fan, blames disharmony in the stars. He devoted his Monday night show on KUOW-FM to a metaphysical exploration of the question, "Do Sports Matter?"
"We are in a tumultuous universe now -- a world that no longer makes sense -- because if you're a Seahawks fan, you don't understand this territory," he said in an interview.
"In Seattle, sports seasons don't end this way. They end in disappointment. So it's kind of like falling off a ladder and suddenly being able to fly.
"Also, I'm Scandinavian, and we tend to see joy as a postponement of sorrow."
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Or Maybe It Has Something To Do With Tipper's Husband...
On a bus billboard this morning, I saw a url listed for goredforwomen.org. It seemed to be a charity thing but for the life of me I could not figure out why being gored could possibly help women. Was this a bullfighting thing? That was just a guess but then again the women in the picture were all wearing red, like a matador's cape. Then I pieced it together. Go Red For Women. Oh. Okay. Heart disease or something.
I choose to blame the American Heart Association for the confusion and not my faulty brain.
On a bus billboard this morning, I saw a url listed for goredforwomen.org. It seemed to be a charity thing but for the life of me I could not figure out why being gored could possibly help women. Was this a bullfighting thing? That was just a guess but then again the women in the picture were all wearing red, like a matador's cape. Then I pieced it together. Go Red For Women. Oh. Okay. Heart disease or something.
I choose to blame the American Heart Association for the confusion and not my faulty brain.
Friday, January 20, 2006
A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5) That Illustrates The Ubiquity Of A Popular Short Film
HIM: Dad, what does "ghost like Swayze" mean?
ME: Okay. There was this movie called Ghost and an actor in it named Patrick Swayze.
HIM: Is he a CRAZY SWAYZE?!
ME: Well, sort of. Yeah, I guess. And he played a guy who died and then came back as a ghost to visit people.
HIM: To scare them?
ME: No to be really nice to them. Help them with pottery, that kind of thing. So when you say "ghost like Swayze", you mean that you're leaving. That soon you will not be there anymore.
HIM: Ghost like Swayze!
ME: You want me to explain "I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling"?
HIM: No.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Please Be Very Careful...
When watching the never-changing facial expression of Paris Hilton.
And also that of Lindsay Lohan.
(thanks to Kottke!)
When watching the never-changing facial expression of Paris Hilton.
And also that of Lindsay Lohan.
(thanks to Kottke!)
Where I Work
Seattle's University District can easily make one feel untethered from reality. The median age on The Ave, the main thoroughfare and location of some radio station where I work, is about 19 years old and it's a heady blend of fraternity and sorority folks, street kids, rich kids acting like street kids, toothless hoboes, and people running bubble tea establishments.
So yesterday when I saw a pigeon eating an entire container of spilled and melted Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream, I just figured, Well whatever okay.
Seattle's University District can easily make one feel untethered from reality. The median age on The Ave, the main thoroughfare and location of some radio station where I work, is about 19 years old and it's a heady blend of fraternity and sorority folks, street kids, rich kids acting like street kids, toothless hoboes, and people running bubble tea establishments.
So yesterday when I saw a pigeon eating an entire container of spilled and melted Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream, I just figured, Well whatever okay.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5) That Illustrates A Fundamental Reason For Having Or At Least Hanging Out With Children
(we start each day by looking at the weather forecast by KOMO-TV weather guy Steve Pool in the local paper)
HIM: What does Steve Pool have to say today?
ME: Ach! Cloudy and rainy! Again!
HIM: What's wrong?
ME: Oh, it's just been so rainy lately. And it's going to just keep raining. And I want some sunny days here.
HIM: But Dad, it's okay. Maybe there are just a lot of flowers that need to grow. Think of the flowers, Dad.
ME: Oh. Okay.
HIM: If the weather isn't what you want, don't worry, it will change one day and be the weather you want.
ME: Okay, Charlie. Thank you.
(we start each day by looking at the weather forecast by KOMO-TV weather guy Steve Pool in the local paper)
HIM: What does Steve Pool have to say today?
ME: Ach! Cloudy and rainy! Again!
HIM: What's wrong?
ME: Oh, it's just been so rainy lately. And it's going to just keep raining. And I want some sunny days here.
HIM: But Dad, it's okay. Maybe there are just a lot of flowers that need to grow. Think of the flowers, Dad.
ME: Oh. Okay.
HIM: If the weather isn't what you want, don't worry, it will change one day and be the weather you want.
ME: Okay, Charlie. Thank you.
On the presence of friendship
So this wonderful article came out a while ago about some people in our lives who have made a difference in the world. And it talked about Kate (Age 3) and featured a picture of Kate with her dear friend Abbey, who was also born with dwarfism. We've received wonderful messages from most people (the Petco employee who cried was a favorite). But the weirdest and most asinine comment came from someone we barely know: "That's so great that Kate has a buddy!"
Because, like, of course she does! She has lots of friends, in fact. Many of them of average height. It turns out, person we barely know, that friendship is possible between dwarfs and non-dwarfs! Kee-rist.
So this wonderful article came out a while ago about some people in our lives who have made a difference in the world. And it talked about Kate (Age 3) and featured a picture of Kate with her dear friend Abbey, who was also born with dwarfism. We've received wonderful messages from most people (the Petco employee who cried was a favorite). But the weirdest and most asinine comment came from someone we barely know: "That's so great that Kate has a buddy!"
Because, like, of course she does! She has lots of friends, in fact. Many of them of average height. It turns out, person we barely know, that friendship is possible between dwarfs and non-dwarfs! Kee-rist.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
An Almost Brush With The Law
This morning, coming across the Aurora Bridge, heading north, I might as well have been early-career not-quite-as-creepy Burt Reynolds for all my law flouting. I was not wearing a seatbelt, I was probably speeding, and, in a move I'm especially ashamed of, I was wearing an iPod. Recently the faceplate of my car stereo was stolen (just the faceplate, not the stereo, hinting at a robber who just wants to hassle me) and so usually I'm left alone with my thoughts. But there was this one song I really wanted to hear so I put on the headphones.
Then I saw the motorcycle cop with a radar gun. I hastily pulled off the headphones and fumbled for the seatbelt just as he was watching me (smooooth, Moe). But instead of justifiably switching on the lights and nailing me, he let me drive on by.
An hour later, I realized how disastrous it would have been had I been taken from the car and searched. There's this girl in my family who has been potty training. I had just dropped her off at preschool but forgot to leave all her extra supplies with her. So in my pocket, yep, little girls' underpants.
I figure with all those factors together, state pen for a year. Easy.
Whew.
This morning, coming across the Aurora Bridge, heading north, I might as well have been early-career not-quite-as-creepy Burt Reynolds for all my law flouting. I was not wearing a seatbelt, I was probably speeding, and, in a move I'm especially ashamed of, I was wearing an iPod. Recently the faceplate of my car stereo was stolen (just the faceplate, not the stereo, hinting at a robber who just wants to hassle me) and so usually I'm left alone with my thoughts. But there was this one song I really wanted to hear so I put on the headphones.
Then I saw the motorcycle cop with a radar gun. I hastily pulled off the headphones and fumbled for the seatbelt just as he was watching me (smooooth, Moe). But instead of justifiably switching on the lights and nailing me, he let me drive on by.
An hour later, I realized how disastrous it would have been had I been taken from the car and searched. There's this girl in my family who has been potty training. I had just dropped her off at preschool but forgot to leave all her extra supplies with her. So in my pocket, yep, little girls' underpants.
I figure with all those factors together, state pen for a year. Easy.
Whew.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Dear Ben Folds,
We both know, I think, that my daughter Kate was at least partially named after your song of the same name. My wife and I only figured that out long after she was born (one of our favorite songs, the name seemed to come to us spontaneously) but perhaps you knew all along. Sure, our Kate has some differences with yours (our Kate never hands out the Bhagavad Gita, doesn't smoke pot, cannot play Wipeout on the drums, gets wet) but also some similarities (when all words fail she speaks, squirrels and birds are frequently spotted nearby).
But none of this explains what happened last night. Our Kate spotted your CD "Whatever and Ever Amen", the one with the song "Kate" on it, not the case mind you, just the disc itself, which has no track listings on it at all. And she pointed at it and said "Look Dad! It's meeeeeee!"
So my question is this: have you been secretly contacting her?
Just wondering. Keep up the good work,
Kate's Dad
**
Update: Apparently Kate's mom tipped her off to the whole thing earlier in the day. You're off the hook, Folds. For now.
We both know, I think, that my daughter Kate was at least partially named after your song of the same name. My wife and I only figured that out long after she was born (one of our favorite songs, the name seemed to come to us spontaneously) but perhaps you knew all along. Sure, our Kate has some differences with yours (our Kate never hands out the Bhagavad Gita, doesn't smoke pot, cannot play Wipeout on the drums, gets wet) but also some similarities (when all words fail she speaks, squirrels and birds are frequently spotted nearby).
But none of this explains what happened last night. Our Kate spotted your CD "Whatever and Ever Amen", the one with the song "Kate" on it, not the case mind you, just the disc itself, which has no track listings on it at all. And she pointed at it and said "Look Dad! It's meeeeeee!"
So my question is this: have you been secretly contacting her?
Just wondering. Keep up the good work,
Kate's Dad
**
Update: Apparently Kate's mom tipped her off to the whole thing earlier in the day. You're off the hook, Folds. For now.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Current Affairs
HIM: But what's the name of your book?
ME: Probably "Conservatize Me".
HIM: What does that mean?
ME: Well, I tried to be a conservative.
HIM: And what is that?
ME: Well, there are two groups of people who don't agree on how things should be run. The conservatives think there should be a smaller government and not as many rules for how you do things. At least that's, you know, the theory.
HIM: So they trust people more?
ME: Ah...I...guess...so.
HIM: Do they like war?
ME: Lately they seem a little more interested in it than some other people do.
HIM: Well, that's not good.
(6 hours later)
HIM: Dad, where's the war?
ME: It's in Iraq. Way far away. Other side of the world.
HIM: If there was a fire at the war we couldn't see it from our house.
ME: Right.
HIM: And it's not going to come crashing through our wall?
ME: No way.
HIM: How do you get there?
ME: You go east, I suppose. For a long long time.
HIM: Which way is east?
ME: Like toward Bellevue. But much further, of course.
HIM: If you flew over the war, it would be red.
ME: Why would it be red?
HIM: From all the shoots. Dad?
ME: Yeah, bud?
HIM: I'm a good war guy. I would be good at war.
HIM: But what's the name of your book?
ME: Probably "Conservatize Me".
HIM: What does that mean?
ME: Well, I tried to be a conservative.
HIM: And what is that?
ME: Well, there are two groups of people who don't agree on how things should be run. The conservatives think there should be a smaller government and not as many rules for how you do things. At least that's, you know, the theory.
HIM: So they trust people more?
ME: Ah...I...guess...so.
HIM: Do they like war?
ME: Lately they seem a little more interested in it than some other people do.
HIM: Well, that's not good.
(6 hours later)
HIM: Dad, where's the war?
ME: It's in Iraq. Way far away. Other side of the world.
HIM: If there was a fire at the war we couldn't see it from our house.
ME: Right.
HIM: And it's not going to come crashing through our wall?
ME: No way.
HIM: How do you get there?
ME: You go east, I suppose. For a long long time.
HIM: Which way is east?
ME: Like toward Bellevue. But much further, of course.
HIM: If you flew over the war, it would be red.
ME: Why would it be red?
HIM: From all the shoots. Dad?
ME: Yeah, bud?
HIM: I'm a good war guy. I would be good at war.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Friday, December 30, 2005
There is Rocky Roll Activity
The most important band in the world has two things:
1. A gig tomorrow night, that's New Year's Evening, at the historic Blue Moon Tavern in Seattle's U-District. We've played there twice before and have proven crossover appeal with drunk hippies and meth hippies alike. Our good friends, who we've never met, Hart and the Hurricane and Sweatband are playing as well.
2. We have a MySpace page. So this clears the way for simulated friendships with Dane Cook and all that. I'm not 22. I don't know how it all works. But you can hear aaaaaancient samples of some of our, uh, we'll call them songs on this page.
The most important band in the world has two things:
1. A gig tomorrow night, that's New Year's Evening, at the historic Blue Moon Tavern in Seattle's U-District. We've played there twice before and have proven crossover appeal with drunk hippies and meth hippies alike. Our good friends, who we've never met, Hart and the Hurricane and Sweatband are playing as well.
2. We have a MySpace page. So this clears the way for simulated friendships with Dane Cook and all that. I'm not 22. I don't know how it all works. But you can hear aaaaaancient samples of some of our, uh, we'll call them songs on this page.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Welcome Global Visitors!
I put up this weird little mappy thingy underneath Kevin Duckworth over there and it confounds me every day. Someone visited from Iceland? From Indonesia? From, I think, the United Arab Emirates? I suppose it shouldn't shock me given how worldy the world is but I can't imagine a lazily maintained blog based mostly on my weird children had such a reach. Anyhow, welcome! Looks like I'm still awaiting my first Dakota or Wyoming friend. And South America and Africa continue to blow me off.
I put up this weird little mappy thingy underneath Kevin Duckworth over there and it confounds me every day. Someone visited from Iceland? From Indonesia? From, I think, the United Arab Emirates? I suppose it shouldn't shock me given how worldy the world is but I can't imagine a lazily maintained blog based mostly on my weird children had such a reach. Anyhow, welcome! Looks like I'm still awaiting my first Dakota or Wyoming friend. And South America and Africa continue to blow me off.
2005: The Musical
this from a producer at some radio station where I work...
this from a producer at some radio station where I work...
Hi all-
We are doing a show this Friday called “2005: The Musical.” We will be using music to reflect on the year.
What song will remind you of 2005? Perhaps it played at a very important moment. Perhaps the lyrics of the song describe your year. What song will play 10 years from now and make you go, “I remember, it was 2005 and…”
Send your stories and song titles to weekday@kuow.org before Friday. We’d love to hear your thoughts. Please encourage your friends to write in ahead of time too if they have ideas.
Thanks!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Conversations With My Children on Different Topics
Charlie (Age 5) on Contemporary Cinema
HIM: Dad, when can I see King Kong?
ME: Maybe when you're older. Like 10 or 11.
HIM: Or maybe 12. Is King Kong evil?
ME: No, he's just misunderstood.
HIM: He's just too big. He can't help that. He's too big and too heavy.
ME: Yeah, that's his big problem.
HIM: And he weighs more than any building in New York. So people in New York are scared.
Kate (Age 3) on Calendar Planning
HER: Daddy! Don't go to work!
ME: But I've got to go to work.
HER: No!
ME: What are you going to do today?
HER: (pause) Fight people.
Charlie (Age 5) on Contemporary Cinema
HIM: Dad, when can I see King Kong?
ME: Maybe when you're older. Like 10 or 11.
HIM: Or maybe 12. Is King Kong evil?
ME: No, he's just misunderstood.
HIM: He's just too big. He can't help that. He's too big and too heavy.
ME: Yeah, that's his big problem.
HIM: And he weighs more than any building in New York. So people in New York are scared.
Kate (Age 3) on Calendar Planning
HER: Daddy! Don't go to work!
ME: But I've got to go to work.
HER: No!
ME: What are you going to do today?
HER: (pause) Fight people.
Friday, December 23, 2005
The Beauty and Occasional Not Beauty of Flickr
As performed in a touching song and video. O, it is funny. O yes.
As performed in a touching song and video. O, it is funny. O yes.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Do You Think I Should Be, Like, Worried?
This is what we found in our daughter Kate's dollhouse today. And yes, that is an oven that the cat's head is in.
To me, it's all about the alarmed cat standing next to the oven. I mean, the cat with the head in the oven is okay. But the alarmed cat with arms sticking straight in the air makes it a real drama.
This is what we found in our daughter Kate's dollhouse today. And yes, that is an oven that the cat's head is in.
To me, it's all about the alarmed cat standing next to the oven. I mean, the cat with the head in the oven is okay. But the alarmed cat with arms sticking straight in the air makes it a real drama.
Did you know they still make videos?
At least they did last year. And John Mellencamp just made me love him more with his video for the song "Walk Tall". It's not just about dwarfs but the video is. In a world so jam packed with bigotry against dwarfs, it's nice to see. I think I'll go paint my house pink now.
At least they did last year. And John Mellencamp just made me love him more with his video for the song "Walk Tall". It's not just about dwarfs but the video is. In a world so jam packed with bigotry against dwarfs, it's nice to see. I think I'll go paint my house pink now.
Ryan Adams, Little League Coach
read the whole thing at McSweeney's
Then, when the first game in May got rained out, I was sitting on the picnic table in the parking lot, watching the rain fall on the cars and thinking about Emily. I started crying when Craig's dad was asking me about who I was gonna have play first base. God, I got so high that night.
read the whole thing at McSweeney's
Monday, December 19, 2005
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) Goes National
After a particularly poignant viewing of A Charlie Brown Christmas, I wrote up something, submitted it to All Things Considered on NPR, and it ran today.
After a particularly poignant viewing of A Charlie Brown Christmas, I wrote up something, submitted it to All Things Considered on NPR, and it ran today.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
The Challenge of the Flirtatious Barista
(at the coffee shop this morning. Male barista working, attractive female customer, who is a regular, comes in)
BARISTA: Hey, what's going on?
CUSTOMER: Oh. What? Sorry?
BARISTA: What's going on with you?
CUSTOMER: A tall non-fat soy latte.
BARISTA: Ah. Okay. Coming right up.
(at the coffee shop this morning. Male barista working, attractive female customer, who is a regular, comes in)
BARISTA: Hey, what's going on?
CUSTOMER: Oh. What? Sorry?
BARISTA: What's going on with you?
CUSTOMER: A tall non-fat soy latte.
BARISTA: Ah. Okay. Coming right up.
How Is Your Book Going?
Just waiting for the edit process to start. But, as a further indication that yes there really is a book, I now have an ISBN number: 0-06-085401-4. You will find nothing if you Google it, but still, neat. The ISBN is the number that bookstores and the industry use to track a book. When I've written book reviews for Amazon (editorial reviews, not customer reviews), that's the number used to load them on to the site. And since part of the goal of writing a book was to leave some kind of trace after I'm dead, 0-06-085401-4 does the trick.
Just waiting for the edit process to start. But, as a further indication that yes there really is a book, I now have an ISBN number: 0-06-085401-4. You will find nothing if you Google it, but still, neat. The ISBN is the number that bookstores and the industry use to track a book. When I've written book reviews for Amazon (editorial reviews, not customer reviews), that's the number used to load them on to the site. And since part of the goal of writing a book was to leave some kind of trace after I'm dead, 0-06-085401-4 does the trick.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
A Person From the Northwest Learns About the Midwest From His Wife, Who Is From the Midwest
ME: Is there any part of the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago that's outdoors?
HER: No. No. It gets very cold in Chicago.
ME: Yeah. But doesn't the aquarium in Chicago incorporate, like, Lake Michigan.
HER: No. It's near Lake Michigan but it is not of Lake Michigan. The fish in Lake Michigan are not all that dramatic.
ME: You don't get, like, lake whales? Or lake dolphins?
HER: No, it's a lot of perch. And smelt. And that would be a really sparsely attended aquarium.
ME: Is there any part of the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago that's outdoors?
HER: No. No. It gets very cold in Chicago.
ME: Yeah. But doesn't the aquarium in Chicago incorporate, like, Lake Michigan.
HER: No. It's near Lake Michigan but it is not of Lake Michigan. The fish in Lake Michigan are not all that dramatic.
ME: You don't get, like, lake whales? Or lake dolphins?
HER: No, it's a lot of perch. And smelt. And that would be a really sparsely attended aquarium.
Misadventures in Sportscasting
(me on the air today at some radio station, doing a newscast, which I'm almost never called upon to do)
"Ray Allen had 35 points, six assists, and seven points in the effort for the Sonics; an effort that ultimately...proved...futile."
I know there are more efficient ways of saying that a team lost a game but none came to mind.
(me on the air today at some radio station, doing a newscast, which I'm almost never called upon to do)
"Ray Allen had 35 points, six assists, and seven points in the effort for the Sonics; an effort that ultimately...proved...futile."
I know there are more efficient ways of saying that a team lost a game but none came to mind.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Other Matters
1. New Pop-Song Correspondence is up on McSweeney's. This one dealing with Elton John's termination from NASA.
2. I recently collaborated with my old high school drama rival Rob on a story for Weekend America (way at the bottom of the page) . We tried to figure out who was the better actor by calling up all of our old classmates. Was it as painful as it sounds? You bet it was.
3. Completely free of any political content, I just really liked the way this blogger dealt with his detractor. It's a blog, after all. They're giving it away for free. Roll with it, you know? (found on Boing Boing)
1. New Pop-Song Correspondence is up on McSweeney's. This one dealing with Elton John's termination from NASA.
2. I recently collaborated with my old high school drama rival Rob on a story for Weekend America (way at the bottom of the page) . We tried to figure out who was the better actor by calling up all of our old classmates. Was it as painful as it sounds? You bet it was.
3. Completely free of any political content, I just really liked the way this blogger dealt with his detractor. It's a blog, after all. They're giving it away for free. Roll with it, you know? (found on Boing Boing)
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Gender Politics
HIM: Dad, at school some of the boys dressed up like girls and we fooled the girls!
ME: Wow. What did you do?
HIM: We found some dress-up clothes, like dresses, and we pretended to be new girls at the school, and we fooled the girls! Then we jumped out and said WE'RE BOYS!
ME: That sounds fun.
HIM: BOY POWER! Hooray for Charlie Moe! BOY! POWER!
ME: Wait. What is "Boy Power"?
HIM: WE were Boy Power.
ME: But how do you get that power? How do you get Boy Power?
HIM: You pretend to be girls. Then you jump out and you're boys and then you chase the girls.
ME: And that gives you Boy Power?
HIM: Yes. HOORAY!
HIM: Dad, at school some of the boys dressed up like girls and we fooled the girls!
ME: Wow. What did you do?
HIM: We found some dress-up clothes, like dresses, and we pretended to be new girls at the school, and we fooled the girls! Then we jumped out and said WE'RE BOYS!
ME: That sounds fun.
HIM: BOY POWER! Hooray for Charlie Moe! BOY! POWER!
ME: Wait. What is "Boy Power"?
HIM: WE were Boy Power.
ME: But how do you get that power? How do you get Boy Power?
HIM: You pretend to be girls. Then you jump out and you're boys and then you chase the girls.
ME: And that gives you Boy Power?
HIM: Yes. HOORAY!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
I'm not sure I've ever been prouder to be Norwegian...
Than I am after seeing this video
From Norwegian band Hurra Torpedo
Than I am after seeing this video
From Norwegian band Hurra Torpedo
Monday, December 05, 2005
A Few Things On My Mind
1. Is there any scientist title more disappointing than "Egyptologist"? Because most other scientist get some cool word for what they do, like "Paleontologist", "Entomologist", and "Limnologist". Then they get to explain to people that what that means is that they study, respectively, fossils, bugs, or inland waters. But "Egyptologist"? How disappointingly unimaginative.
"Oh, an Egyptologist? So you must study..."
"Egypt. Yeah."
It would be like a biologist having to be called a bodyist. Or a cardiologist being called a heartist. Just doesn't impress.
2. Why can't I get a 12 ounce can of soda anymore? Why you gotta be pushing the 20-ouncer, soda pusher man?
3. I think it would be funny to have a big stage act called Pooh Man Group. Where it's just like Blue Man Group but with Winnie-the-Pooh.
1. Is there any scientist title more disappointing than "Egyptologist"? Because most other scientist get some cool word for what they do, like "Paleontologist", "Entomologist", and "Limnologist". Then they get to explain to people that what that means is that they study, respectively, fossils, bugs, or inland waters. But "Egyptologist"? How disappointingly unimaginative.
"Oh, an Egyptologist? So you must study..."
"Egypt. Yeah."
It would be like a biologist having to be called a bodyist. Or a cardiologist being called a heartist. Just doesn't impress.
2. Why can't I get a 12 ounce can of soda anymore? Why you gotta be pushing the 20-ouncer, soda pusher man?
3. I think it would be funny to have a big stage act called Pooh Man Group. Where it's just like Blue Man Group but with Winnie-the-Pooh.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
How is Your Book Going?
Funny thing about formatting. You can have what you think is a perfectly reasonable book of 243 pages, single spaced with a blank line between paragraphs. But when your editor prefers it without those blank lines but double spaced, you realize you've written something that's 421 pages long. Cripes! I mean, that's not how many book pages it would be but still. 123,000 words or so after four drafts. Probably need to drop 25-30k of those.
But..BUT!...I did submit the manuscript today. As per the agreement made long ago. Next comes the editing and the design and the world of other things. But tonight, I feel like I've done something.
And, it's being picked up by my fave new media outlet: conservative blogs!
Funny thing about formatting. You can have what you think is a perfectly reasonable book of 243 pages, single spaced with a blank line between paragraphs. But when your editor prefers it without those blank lines but double spaced, you realize you've written something that's 421 pages long. Cripes! I mean, that's not how many book pages it would be but still. 123,000 words or so after four drafts. Probably need to drop 25-30k of those.
But..BUT!...I did submit the manuscript today. As per the agreement made long ago. Next comes the editing and the design and the world of other things. But tonight, I feel like I've done something.
And, it's being picked up by my fave new media outlet: conservative blogs!
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