Wednesday, December 31, 2003

I Review Books for a Large Internet Bookstore.

Here were some of my favorites of the past year:
this one
this one also
and this
this one was good too
I liked this one
Oh and this one.

But this one was just terrible.

We Got Out of Town for Christmas
To Sequim, which is on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. Rented a house, tried to get away from some or most of the seasonal insanity. Sequim is also home to the Olympic Game Farm, a sprawling stretch of land which houses yaks, llamas, zebras, buffalo, elk, and reindeer which you can feed from your car as you drive through, nervously. There's also lions, tigers, bears, coyotes, and wolves in separate facilities. Peacocks and rabbits roam about freely.
Well, we were there on the 26th at like 9 am right as it opened. We bought ten bags of bread ($5) and then drove around to feed the animals. Here's the thing: the place was closed on Christmas Day and we figure it was pretty sparsely attended on Christmas Eve. So while we're sure the animals were fed, they probably weren't given that sweet touristy junk food in like three days. So when we got there, it was like driving into the worst part of the inner city with hundred dollar bills and free handguns taped to our car. The animals were all over us. Blocking the car, bumping into the windows, and staaaaring. We got out of their two hours later having given all the bread we can. When we returned to Seattle I had to go through a special car wash to remove yak spit from the car's exterior.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

This Book Won't Be Out for a While

But I'm in it. And I really really like the title.

A Poorly Constructed Joke Formed During a Recent Viewing of White Men Can't Jump

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Wesley Snipes' career
Wesley Snipes' career who?

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Meet The Mariners

The team I'm psychologically abused by on an ongoing basis, the Seattle Mariners, acquired two new players yesterday: Quinton McCracken and Scott Spiezio. Kind of non-descript as ballplayers but it turns out they're kind of interesting.
This from the story on McCracken, "McCracken, 33, was a double major at Duke University, graduating in four years with degrees in political science and history." And this on Spiezio from the newscast on KUOW yesterday, "Spiezio was quoted last night as saying, 'I've always loved Seattle. It's the birthplace of grunge, you know. I've always liked the town, the stadium's awesome and the fans are pretty dang cool.' Spiezio is a switch hitter and plays in a band named Sandfrog.
Spiderholes Are Just All Right With Me

Hey, I wasn't watching TV much this weekend but I saw something on the set in Radio Shack when I walked by. Did we capture Michael McDonald from the Doobie Brothers?

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Great Moments in Advertising

On the street where I work, there are three bubble tea places. Today, I saw this sign on the window at one of them:

Have you tried Bubble Tea Hot?
Try new Wow! Hot Milk Latte Bubble Tea!
It's the End of Taste!

Mmmm. Can't wait.
I'm Being Sued by the Dr. Seuss Estate

Well, I hope not. But it's more possible than it was a few days ago.

I had a commentary/sketch on NPR's All Things Considered on Monday. It's written as a letter from Max, the Grinch's dog, to the Grinch after the Grinch has turned nice. And Max isn't happy about it.

Also, I had a story on NPR's Only A Game (a weekly sports show) this past weekend about Shana Heavey, a 16-year-old dwarf, who plays on the varsity lacrosse team at her school. That story is located here:

Listen if you like.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003


I just heard that GWAR has endorsed Howard Dean. This is really big! Oh, was who? Oh never mind.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

The Challenge

Sure, there's going to be lots of jokes about Michael Jackson. More than ever before. Very few of them will be funny, even fewer will be original.
I'd like to step forward and encourage people to try harder than they otherwise would and make jokes that reference more obscures songs from either the Michael Jackson catalog. Can the "Beat It" reference, go instead for "Prison? I bet he's never Ben there before." Leave off anything about the kid not being his son. Instead, explore "I think these accusations are completely Off the Wall."
Yes, the lines I favor are more work. And perhaps not even as funny. But they're better for your brain and better for the world.
I'm going to keep thinking of more and I encourage you to do the same. Feel free to send me your ideas.

Here's some more:
I always figured that, as promised, he'd stop once he had got enough.
Apparently the Man in the Mirror wasn't willing to make that change.
If he is truly guilty but ultimately exonerated, wow, that would be one Smooth Criminal.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

If You Haven't Read It Yet...

What's wrong with you? Read The Onion's interview with RZA.

Monday, November 17, 2003

***Please us this as evidence in any future patricide/cannibalism trial involving my son***
(a conversation taking place last night with son Charlie, who just turned 3)
HIM: Daddy, can I eat you?
ME: No. You can't.
HIM: Are you a ghost, Daddy?
ME: No, I'm not.
HIM: When you are a ghost, I will eat you up, Daddy.
ME: You...what?!
HIM: I will eat you when you are a ghost. I will eat you!

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

It's an old story but there's plenty of time left to do in-depth analysis

The Yeti has plenty of good riffs on the NPR gift. The only thing I would add is this:
"Welcome back to Talk of the Nation. I'm Grimace."

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

Do you have a list of celebrities who are very talented and also nice people?

If so, go ahead and add Robyn Hitchcock to that list. You can hear my interview with him on Thursday at 2:35 pm on 94.9 KUOW Seattle if you're in the Seattle area. If not, you can listen online at

Monday, November 10, 2003

A Conversation With Charlie, Age 3

(while looking at a book about elephants)

HIM: Look, Dad. That's a red elephant.
ME: Well, actually. That's a drawing of an elephant's muscles.
HIM: What are muscles?
ME: They're things in your body that make you move around. Like when you stand up, you're using muscles.
HIM: Can I stand up?
ME: Of course. Go ahead.
HIM: (standing) Muscles! What's that elephant?
ME: That one shows an elephant's bones. Everybody has bones that hold them up.
HIM: Does an elephant have bones?
ME: Well, yeah. As is demonstrated in that drawing.
HIM: Does a dog have bones?
ME: Yes.
HIM: No. A dog eats bones.
ME: Hmmm. You're right. But it's different bones. A dog doesn't eat its own bones.
HIM: Will a dog eat my bones?
ME: I don't expect it will.
HIM: I have bones and muscles inside me.
ME: That's right.
HIM: And pipes, of course.
ME: Wanna go play with cars?

Friday, November 07, 2003

Sometimes the problem is this....

Exactly which one to put on the computer as wallpaper.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

Some People Can Just Enjoy New Food In Silence.

Others must write about it. I'm one of the others.

Tuesday, November 04, 2003

It's pretty impressive when you think about it

Sure, many of the Transformers can turn into a helicopter or a truck or whatever. But only one can turn into a planet. I got excited writing about it. I mean, Charlie Williams got excited.

Thursday, October 30, 2003


A couple of years ago, my wife was driving through Auburn, south of Seattle while our then 6-month-old son slept in the car. She saw signs for a multi-family garage sale and being a fan of garage sales, she went to it. Within a few seconds, she sensed that it wasn't multi-family at all but just some guy's house. The guy came out and said "come on in! The stuff is around back!" But my wife got a weird feeling about the whole enterprise, thanked the guy politely and drove away. Just had a creepy feeling. Turns out the guy's name was Gary Ridgway. He was in the papers recently.

Monday, October 27, 2003

Thursday, October 16, 2003

How could it get any worse?

Here's how: get the King of Queens involved.

Monday, October 06, 2003

The Real Reason I Left

To go work for a startup that never quite worked out.

An e-mail conversation with Jeannie Yandel about the Cubs victory.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeannie Yandel
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:45 AM
To: John Moe
Subject: haHAha

Am I kind of freaking out? Yes, yes I am.

-----Original Message-----
From: John Moe
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:47 AM
To: Jeannie Yandel
Subject: RE: haHAha

Don't ji--I'm not even going to say it. Don't j-word it. Kerry Wood is the son of a god and a bull.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeannie Yandel
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:49 AM
To: John Moe
Subject: RE: haHAha

He and mark prior have been pitching with each other’s mitts. If I hadn’t already been crying last night when I learned that, it would have made me burst into tears.

No j-wording here. Not saying anything about any kind of future. Just, presently, freaking out. In this moment. Because of the 95-year losing streak being broken. That’s it.

-----Original Message-----
From: John Moe
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:52 AM
To: Jeannie Yandel
Subject: RE: haHAha

4 states have been admitted to the union since the last time the Cubs won a post-season series of any kind.

Go Red Sox.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeannie Yandel
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:56 AM
To: John Moe
Subject: RE: haHAha

Both of my grandfathers were born, grew up, got married, had kids, watched them get married and have kids, got sick, and died since the last time to cubs won any post-season series. It occurs to me that if the red sox make it too that could be a sign of the apocalypse. Or that bud selig is fixing this to get people excited about baseball again. I probably need a valium.

-----Original Message-----
From: John Moe
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:57 AM
To: Jeannie Yandel
Subject: RE: haHAha

Breathe into a paper bag and just think about Dontrelle Willis for a while. Braden Looper, Jeff Conine, Juan Pierre. Stay tethered to the present.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeannie Yandel
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:58 AM
To: John Moe
Subject: RE: haHAha

Yes. Ok.


Friday, October 03, 2003

Parenting Pros & Cons

Pro: rediscovering the very world you live in through the eyes and thoughts of a child, learning how to play all over again, giving and receiving unconditional love.

Con: Dude, when am I ever going to get to see Bubba Ho-Tep?! Man!

Monday, September 29, 2003

Because He Sits Wherever He Wants

This story may end tragically but for the moment you have to love the line "A witness told police she later saw the gorilla sitting at a bus stop on a street near the zoo." Cause he's all, "I'm so out of here! What time does the damn 116 get here?" And he's all "In retrospect, I should have arranged a getaway car." and then he's all "Okay, the secret is to blend. Maybe I should pick up a USA Today."

Friday, September 26, 2003

Their Love Was That Powerful

I remember seeing an interview with George Plimpton years ago where he said that he couldn't imagine outliving Robert Palmer, how life would just seem empty without Robert. So perhaps today's news makes some sense. And as everyone knows, the original title of Palmer's hit song was "(George Plimpton is) Simply Irresistible".

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Conversation At The Toy Store Between Myself And My Son Charlie (Almost Three)

CHARLIE: Dad, I want to tell you something. I had this farm toy when I was a baby. Mom bought it for me. Mom bought it when I was six babies.
ME: What? You were six babies?
CHARLIE: Yes. No. I was eight babies. I was eight babies, Dad.
ME: Really? I don't remember that.
CHARLIE: Dad, do I have pipes inside me?
ME: Uh...what?
CHARLIE: Pipes! Pipes! Do I have them in me?
ME: Well, sort of. I guess.
CHARLIE: Do I have batteries in me?
ME: No. You don't have any batteries in you.
CHARLIE: We need to get some batteries for me.

Monday, September 22, 2003

Only A Game

It's a show about sports from NPR. Normally, sports and public radio go together like a horse and architecture, but this is a really good show. On this week's episode, I did a story about Pat Borders.

The Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld, Vol. II

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Go to Cat Town! Right away! GO!
You Know What's Hard?
Awexome is hard.
Some people look at a busy bridge and see only traffic snarls and headaches. Other people look at it and see, well, a bitchin' condo. Check out this report from pal Charles Kiblinger.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Trying to Get Back On Pace...

Sometimes I like to think that people who die in a certain constrained time period form rock bands in heaven. In the latest lineup, I think I would go with Zevon on bass, Cash on guitar, and Ritter on drums. Then, if God is understanding, that leaves Leni Reifenstahl to play keyboards and Indiana governor Frank O'Bannon to show up for rehearsals with a xylophone but they won't let him play cause this isn't that kind of a band.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

I'm So Sorry

Been a replacement midday host on the radio. Almost done.

Here is a band that does Beatles covers performed as Metallica: Right here.

I love you all. Or both.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

This was really on the Associated Press today

A 24-year-old man who led Snohomish County sheriff's deputies on a bizarre chase through the Evergreen State Fair on was seriously hurt when he tried to jump aboard a moving train.
The man, a fair employee, was seen on the midway Tuesday afternoon smoking "an unknown narcotic" from a glass pipe, a sheriff's spokesperson said. He was fired on the spot.
The man attempted to steal money from another carnival worker, then went to a women's restroom, where he exposed himself.
When deputies arrived, the man put on his pants, took off his shirt, and fled through a window in one of the restroom's stalls.
He groped women as he ran, then scaled a chain-link fence to U.S. 2, where he attempted to steal a car from a woman.
When that failed, he ran across the highway to a train and tried to jump aboard, even though it was traveling about 45 miles per hour.
He was knocked back by the train, and was airlifted to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle with multiple fractures. He was reported in serious condition Tuesday night.
When he's released, he'll likely be charged with indecent liberties and attempted robbery.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

Did I ever show you this?
I think you'd like this.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Rethinking Iraqi Policy
Problem? Snipers. Solution? A new kind of soldier.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Who is David Bessler?
Well, really, who isn't David Bessler? For fun the most plus excellent, go to "stretch my friends" in the pull down menu. For funnerness still, go to the pipecleaner dance.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

I'll be out for a while
Til the 18th or so. Going to Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. But flying in to Raleigh and then driving. Cause I refuse to fly into Kitty Hawk. I've seen the planes they have there and they don't look safe.

Monday, August 04, 2003

Why Was the Internet Invented?
I'll tell you why.

Friday, August 01, 2003

You're Trying to Crush He-Man and Your Henchman Brings You a What?
A squid.
Men Who Look Like Young Santa (a semi-regular feature)
Sometimes Santa is in disguise.

Thursday, July 31, 2003

I Talked About The Movie "Predator" On National Public Radio.
You can listen to it here. And write to the show demanding I get a regular slot here.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

So that's what Suzanne Somers doesn't really look like
The wonderful Celebrity Dollhouse from the wonderfuler Cup of Chicha.
Humpty Dumpty.

Of course all the king's horses couldn't get him together again. How could horses put an egg together?

Wait. Where does it even say that Humpty Dumpty was an egg in the first place?

Is there any kind of creature that a horse can put together?

What kind of name is Humpty Dumpty anyway?

I have kids.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Not Funny: The Latest Chapter

Today, author Chuck Palahniuk came in to appear as a guest on some radio show I produce at some radio station. Someone asked where he had been earlier in the day and he said he had been at another station and all they wanted to talk about was Fight Club. "But wait", I said, "I thought you weren't supposed to talk about Fight Club. That's the first rule!"

He didn't think that was so funny. He wasn't a jerk about it at all but was clearly exasperated with such a gag.

Then I realized that I got sick of that joke like two years ago. And I'm just me. Imagine how sick of it he must be.

His new book is really good, by the way.
I regret that I did not write this. For it is brilliance.

Friday, July 18, 2003

I Pity The Fool

Who doesn't read this interview.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

A Leader of Person-kind
Yesterday, I walked up to an intersection. The light said "Don't Walk" but there was no traffic. A few people were waiting anyway, just talking amongst themselves or thinking about other things. But I took matters into my own hands. Advocating the law of common sense instead of municipal precision, I crossed the street anyway. Others took notice and, seeing my indisputable logic, crossed too. Were it not for my risky leadership, they would have crossed that street...slightly later!

So I work at some radio station, right? And we have a computer in the newsroom where we download music snippets for talk show transitional music. Today, there was a note by that computer. Either that note was a reminder of what song to download or...OR...the station had a secret from a very big celebrity whose mere existence we were somehow doubting.

The note read: "I'm Real - Jennifer Lopez".

I knew it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Bad Game

Don't play this game. It's a bad game. I hate you, game!

Okay I admit it, I hate you only because... I love you so much.
How to Make Snoop Dogg's Head Explode
Ask him to read this sentence using his notorious "izzle-fizzle" patois:
"I need to buy a fizzling chisel and some Twizzlers then go to Sizzler while it drizzles."
Just Checking
I have a question based on something I saw in the bank parking lot.
If you're sitting in a convertible Mercedes and you're wearing Matrix sunglasses and you're talking on an itty-bitty cell phone and you have bleached tips in your hair and you're a man and you're in Seattle and you're parked in between two "disabled only" parking spots in a place that is supposed to be a walkway, then no matter what you're a prick, right?

Monday, July 14, 2003

Of Course!
Why have I never thought of this?

Friday, July 11, 2003

Overcoming Adversity I Didn't Realize I Was Facing

So last night I stopped at a gas station and filled my truck up with gas. When I went into the little store to buy some gum, the cashier's choice of words troubled me:

"Hey buddy, how you holding up?"
"You doing okay there, guy?"
"All set there, man? You hanging in there?"
"Okay, take care of yourself, man. Take it easy."

After I left, I wondered if there was some horrible event that had happened to me. And if maybe the gas station attendant somehow knew about it before I did.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

It Will Be So Hard To Tell My Wife
It turns out I'm a Kucinich supporter. I mean, I'm not. But this computer thingy says that I am. I guess it's like in high school when I took that test that encouraged me to be a diesel mechanic.
I include links because I hate my readers and want them to lose their jobs and friends.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

The Big Time!

If you're not lucky enough to be bothered by me via e-mail...

"The Big Time!" is a family musical comedy about a sock, a lamp, and a vacuum cleaner who become rock stars. I wrote the script and Chris Ballew wrote five fantastic songs for the show.

Chris and I really have a lot in common:

* He sold 4 million records as the lead singer of The Presidents of the United States of America. I sold several records at my local used CD store.
* He performs the "Cleveland Rocks" theme song to the Drew Carey Show. I've seen that show.
* He is famous. I have rented the movie "Almost Famous". Couple times.

"The Big Time!" is going to Edinburgh Scotland in August for the huge Fringe Festival therein and the folks who are taking it there are offering a one night only performance of it here in Seattle on July 26 (details below). Another production will be performing at Bumbershoot on September 1st and may then move on to a yet to be announced Seattle location for a special Saturday morning brunch performance run. There will also be a production going to Adelaide, Australia and South Carolina in 2004.

It's a fun show that kids and non-kids can enjoy together. And it's only like 50 minutes long.

(Sorry if you are outside the Seattle area and got this anyway. But if you know a theater producer who might want to produce the show, well, let me know.)


Left Coast Theatre's one-night Edinburgh Fringe benefit
Sat July 26 at the Nippon Kan Theatre, 628. S. Washington St

The Big Time! ~ a fairytale/mockumentary that will delight all ages: ‘Toy
Story’ meets ‘Spinal Tap’.
5:00pm, tickets $8/$6 under 18.

Vera Wilde ~ great songs, outrageous wit, passion, politics and feather boas
collide when young Russian idealist Vera Zasulich inspires Oscar Wilde’s
first play. ‘Best New Play 2002’ –Seattle Times.
8:00pm, tickets $12/$10 under 18.

For reservations phone 206-768-1030
More information

Free parking is available in the lot behind the theatre. The Big Time! runs
45 minutes, so there’s time to go to dinner in the International District
and come back for Vera at 8:00, which runs 1 hr 40 minutes.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003

What If Pro Athletes Joined Rock Bands?

Sam Goldberg and I have been kicking these around for a while. Here's what we came up with.

System of a McNown
Travis Knight Ranger
Chris Fuamatu Ma'afala Fighters
Richard Jefferson Starship
Reggie Jackson 5
Dinosaur Junior Seau
Destiny's Chris Child
Davis Loverboy III
Marshall Faulk Implosion
Bettis Than Ezra
Primitive Radio God Shammgod
Counting (Germane) Crowell
Proehl Dirty Bastard
Rolen Stones
Rondell White Stripes
Kendrell Bell Biv DeVoe
Gerry & the Orlando Pacemakers
Danny Whitesnake
Charlie Batch Street Boys
Crosby Stills Nash and Dmitri Young
David Carrland Vocal Band
Twisted Sistrunk
J.D. Drews Traveler
Sigur Jalen Ros
Junior Felix M.A.F.I.A.
Tony Tone' Toni Kukoc
Guns n' Malik Roses
Dallas Cowboy Junkies
Edie Brickell & Bryce Drew Bohemians
Tears for Chris Mears
Sugar Grant Hill Gang
Zach Day Real Estate
Vida Blue Oyster Cult
Jars of Cassius Clay
Mario (Lemieux) Speedwagon
Depeche Moog
Judas Priest Holmes
Grant Fuhr Railroad
Orchestral Manute Bol in the Dark

Thursday, July 03, 2003

There's Bad News and Then There's Baaaaaad News
While we at Monkey Disaster mourn the death of Buddy Hackett, we mourn even more the potential rise to prominence of his son, Sandy Hackett.

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

Are You Complicit?
Apparently, terrible crimes are being committed. With your choice of bacon or sausage.
Also, it seems that where some people see problems, others see solutions.

Been Gone A While
Dealing with medical stuff having to do with my daughter.

Here are a couple of thoughts during that time:

1. It's hard to explain to people who don't know that my daughter has achondroplasia . I will be talking about a medical situation that's unique to her condition and say something like "cause, you know, she's a little person." And they'll smile and nod thinking that I mean she's a baby, which she is, but she's also a dwarf. Then I say "I mean she's a little person. A, uh, little person." And they'll keep smiling. And then I'll just say "A dwarf. She's a dwarf." And then they look stunned. I guess I like the part where they look stunned.

2. People often say "Well, God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Or "God must have known what great parents you were." And it makes me think that maybe God has a big scoreboard where whenever people are having some success at achieving a normal balanced life, He sends them down some crazy challenge just to bring them down a notch. And that makes me wonder, you know, if maybe we're going about this all wrong. Maybe if you prove to be a totally weak person and a really lousy parent, God will send you ice cream and some free Nintendo games and a sort of Master Child with the strength of Big John Studd and the peaceful demeanor of Art Garfunkel. Perhaps this is all part of God's plan.

Oh, and my daughter is doing just fine now. Thanks God! I guess!

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

I'm Not Funny
So I was at Bartell Drugs picking up a prescription and I got there right as they were opening the pharmacy. The employee was about to help me bu she had not yet put on her bright red employee vest. "Hold on a second", she said as she struggled with it briefly.
Wanting to be funny, I said "You can't officially be a pharmacist until you put on the smock."
She said, "Oh. I'm not a pharmacist. I'm just the drug dealer."
Then I said "Wouldn't it be great if all drug dealers wore smocks?"
She said nothing for a second and then asked, quite clinically, "How may I help you?"

Monday, June 23, 2003

Oh, they know what they're doing. They know exactly what they're doing.

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store with toddler son Charlie. We were parked in front of the store but not going in because there was a crucial at-bat in the Mariner game on the radio. Charlie wanted to go in to the store because why wait. I said to hold on a minute. He thought for a second and launched into a histrionic teary cry, saying he wanted to go in NOW. As it happened, the at-bat ended (Edgar freakin' Martinez striking out) and I went to get Charlie and go in to the store, just like he wanted. When I lifted him out of his car seat, he was clearly thrilled at this event that he thought he caused. He dropped his charade of sorrow, smiled real big, and said "It worked!"

In the future, I expect, he'll remember not to betray the thinness of his little act.
Specialized Amusement
Looking for a way to pass the time that incorporates your deep knowledge of the connections between jurisprudence and baseball history? Wait, I know what you're saying, "Sure I am, John, as long as it's based on tenuous suppositions and it's really boring."
Splendid! Go here.

Friday, June 20, 2003

The Search For An Angle
Is there a journalistic undercurrent in pro wrestling? This reviewer thinks so.

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Great Moments in URL Selection
You can go ahead and hope for the best at or try to find the perfect gift at but disappointment is sure to follow.
These valuable tips from the inevitable Dave Barry.

Apparently, I've been too complacent for the folks who spam me. They seem irritated but also somewhat committed to helping me out. Here are the subject lines of five consecutive spams I received today:

You blocked my MSN
Are you a junky?
Don't be silly
Wanna get a drink?
This should wake you up

I had roommates like this in college.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Coming Soon to UPN
I've begun to realize that if a reality show was made starring the famous people I've talked to or interviewed at my radio station, it would be fascinating yet terrible. Like if they were all forced to live in a house or on an island or something. Anyway, going solely off people I've dealt with in the past year, here's the cast:
Richard Simmons
Eddie Vedder
Jared from Subway
Mike Douglas
Terry Bowden (ABC Commentator)
George McGovern
Sir Mix a Lot

Imagine the hijinx! Okay, now stop imagining it. You might get hurt.

Friday, June 13, 2003

A Question
How do you fall off a Segway? Isn't that the whole point of a Segway?

NBA Finals Special
My good friend Charlie Williams (again, certainly not a pseudonym I use) wrote up this review of a LEGO NBA set. Emanuel Ginobili not included.

Oh No
Now I'll never get anything done. I'll just spend all my day designing and buying t-shirts.
Some of them are t-shirts you can buy.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Men Who Look Like Young Santa (a semi-regular feature)
Bob Dornan
I get to know a lot of toys. I recently ran across one that is very special to me. And my friend Charlie Williams, who isn't the same as me and is certainly not an alias I write under, wrote this fine review.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

The Minimalist Approach
Not much happening at the Arthur Andersen home page. Except for a link to a big empty facility that you can rent for meetings.

Monday, June 09, 2003

I've been made aware that men and women walk the earth who have not read the notorious Family Circus customer reviews. Hurry. When finished, read more and more .

Endorsement Deal
Great news! This blog now has an official disease: read all about it!
The Prairie Dog Information site probably never expected to be put in a position where they needed to try to control hysteria.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Go watch 80's Ending. Six minutes that will change your life. Thanks, Yeti.
My 2 1/2 year old son really likes Maisy. Maisy is a cartoon mouse and the star of a series of childrens books and videos. One of her friends is an elephant named Eddie and although he and Maisy are much closer to the same size than they would be in real life, Eddie is still significantly bigger. My son was looking at a book that showed Eddie and Maisy outside Maisy's house and he said, "Eddie's too big to get into Maisy's house." So I asked him if there was any way that Maisy could get Eddie the elephant into the house. He thought for a minute and then said, very somberly, "A hammer."

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

So my 7-month-old daughter has achondroplasia. It's the most common form of dwarfism. It means she'll be about 4 feet tall when she grows up. It also means that I've had a swift introduction into the world of little people (if you use the word "m*dget", I will become irate). So the other day, I saw two little people walking down the street, evidently on a date since they were holding hands, and I secretly stared at them a while. Later, I explained to my wife how great it was to see little people on a date (as an average-size parent, you get this irrational fear that your dwarf child won't date) and how I stared at them for a while out of relief and joy and how it wasn't the like other people stare at them. I told her how I wanted to yell, "I'm staring at you but it's okay!". Then my wife gently told me, "Well, you know, it still isn't okay." Yep, I'm still learning a lesson that two year olds are taught: DON'T STARE!

Oh Man
That Dennis Rodman, he's so crazy! With his wild hair and his outrageous antics! And his severe drinking problem and his near bankruptcy and his sociopathic, near-suicidal behavior! Oh wait. He really is crazy.

Monday, June 02, 2003

Some Days...
You must unwind with a little Eugene.
Newscast Jokes From This One Radio Show I Sometimes Do

President Bush arrived in Poland for the annual G8 economic summit. He praised Poland’s support of the US led invasion of Iraq and said he was glad to have Poland as such a good friend. Later, he talked loudly to no one in particular about how he and Poland were best friends now and were going to the mall together. French and German leaders said nothing but were spotted rolling their eyes and passing notes back and forth.

The search for weapons of mass destruction continues in Iraq. It was announced that a large US team will turn its focus away from sites considered “suspicious” before the war began. Inspectors will now step up inspections in some new sites including: the rhetoric of President Bush, the psyche of many American citizens, and Iran.

The Department of Homeland Security has reduced the Terror Alert level from High or Orange to Elevated or Yellow. For governments and businesses, this means a scaling back of heightened security measures. And for private citizens, it means looking at the TV, saying “oh”, and then forgetting about it.

During a rare interview, Britain’s Prince William has begun studying Swahili at St. Andrew University in Scotland. William says that he first became enamored of Africa and African culture during a trip to the continent a few years ago and hopes to learn more about it in school in preparation for his future career of being a treasury draining man of leisure.

The Federal Communications Commission has been flooded with so many e-mails and phone calls in recent days that its overloaded computer network and phone systems are experiencing problems. The messages are being spurred by Monday’s vote on media consolidation which could increase the percentage of broadcast stations in a market that could be owned by a given corporation. The FCC says that their systems will be upgraded just as soon as their upcoming sale to Clear Channel is finalized.

Bruce Almighty was #1 at the box office last weekend beating out The Matrix in what is being hailed as a victory for monotheism over longtime foe Gnosticism. In Bruce Almighty, God comes to Earth on a successful mission to force a man to stop making sappy overwrought dramas and start making really funny comedies again.

The Oxygen Network debuted a new program Friday designed exclusively for the entertainment of cats. It’s not to be confused with the long running Broadway musical Cats which was designed exclusively for the entertainment of stupid people.

Barbra Streisand has filed a 10 million dollar lawsuit against a California man for posting photographs of her Malibu estate on a website that documents California’s eroding coastline. The suit has wreaked havoc at Fox News among the “mock Streisand” and “mock the environmentalists” factions who suddenly find themselves in conflict.

Thursday, May 29, 2003

Yes, I write book reviews for a book store. Yes, the book store wants to sell books. And yes, I have written my share of positive book reviews. But just to prove that I don't always say a book is fantastic, I humbly submit this.

Of course, none of those are my favorite review.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Meeting of the Minds
What was said at this summit?
A) And I-I--I-I--I-I--I-I--I-I--I will always love intractable situations.
B) The Road Map to Peace is my new prerogative.

World Affairs
I sure hope we don't invade more countries so soon after invading that one country. It could lead to something crazy.

Friday, May 23, 2003

You have a choice, really: Defective Yeti or defective yeti.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Legal Tip
When accused of witchcraft, go on TV and get interviewed by a clown.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Cheers 2
Making your way in the world today takes everything you got
Taking a break at Rod Beck's RV sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away...
Sometimes you wanna go
Where Rod lives past the centerfield stands
And he drinks some beer with fans
You wanna go where Rod Beck knows
neither of you have got plans
You wanna go out past the outfield stands

Monday, May 19, 2003

I watched that show Punked on MTV. It's hosted by dreamy Ashton Kutcher of That 70's Show and they play pranks on all his celebrity friends. Anyway, last night on Punked, they totally punked Mandy Moore. They sent her back in time to Redondo Beach circa 1982 where she became a disenfranchised teenage boy. Mandy/boy began staying out all night, sniffing glue, and riding a skateboard with friends and was soon shaving her head, wearing an oversized leather jacket (decorated with hand-scrawled anti-authority slogans), and getting arrested in violent clashes with the cops. Later in the show, with Ashton cracking up watching the feed from a van, Mandy landed a gig as the lead singer of Black Flag, touring the country and playing chaotic shows at crappy dive bars before getting a groupy pregnant and ultimately dying of a heroin overdose. You should have seen her face when Ashton came out from behind a dumpster in the deserted alley and yelled "You've been PUNKED!" Oh man, she was so mad.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Guest Entry

From Dave Liljengren, who thinks of such things:

"I remember reading somewhere that among Anne Frank's possessions, and perhaps pasted into her diary itself, were photos of a handsome young Hollywood actor named Robert Stack. That fact stuck with me because Anne Frank seemed to have died about a thousand years ago, and Robert Stack was still alive. Until yesterday. Robert Stack died yesterday at the age of 84.

Stack's first movie, First Love was released in 1939 and since it sounds like the kind of movie which would have gone over big with teenage girls, there's at least a chance that Anne Frank could have seen it before the Nazis rolled into town."

Back to me for additional commentary:

There's very little chance Anne Frank saw some of Stack's other movies.

Tim Carvell is beautiful and should not be killed.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Discussion Topic
The New Orleans Arena Football expansion team will be called the Voodoo. That's fine, but I think the New Orleans NBA team should use that name. After all, there are no more Hornets in New Orleans than there are Grizzlies in Memphis or Jazz in Utah. It makes me wonder: who would win in a contest between the Voodoo and the Orlando Magic? How about the Voodoo versus the Wizards? Or the Voodoo against the Fort Wayne Heebie-Jeebies? I made that last one up. But still.

Friday, May 09, 2003

I Heart Headlines
I read this one in the morning paper. I mean, I don't personally watch her show but I don't think very many people want her to die.

Thursday, May 08, 2003

Sorry it's been a while.
This article in Slate came out on the same day that Morning Edition rejected this commentary:
The NBA playoffs are into their second round and I just can’t bring myself to care. Is it the absence of Michael Jordan? The fact that every player has been arrested at least fourteen times this year alone? No. My apathy is borne of one factor: the completely lame-o team nicknames.

In one half of the NBA Eastern Conference playoffs, the Detroit Pistons are taking on the Philadelphia 76ers. While a piston certainly works hard, can anyone really get jacked up to root for a car part? And what, after all, is a 76er? Someone who lived in colonial America? A rabble rousing Declaration of Indepence signing pointy hat wearer? Or are they referring to a nineteen 76er? A Jimmy Carter voting, Fleetwood Mac appreciating, macramé sofa owner? When these two cities square off in football, it's the Lions versus the Eagles, a horrific yet compelling battle of nature. Elsewhere in the East, the Boston Celtics (who, judging by their logo, are green clad Edward G. Robinsons) are taking on the New Jersey Nets. Is anyone tuning in to see chubby pipe smokers battle interwoven pieces of string?

Out west it doesn't get much better. The Spurs of San Antonio are taking on the LA Lakers. Sharp metal boot parts squaring off against - what?- people who live by lakes? The Lakers used to be based in Minnesota but now are one of the unfortunate teams whose nickname bears no relation to their actual locale. At least the Memphis Grizzlies and the Utah Jazz are out of the race. In the final playoff match up, the Sacramento Kings are playing the Dallas Mavericks. This last one is at least a bit compelling: Long robed crown wearing old men battling the Mavericks who I like to think of as a team of James Garner doppelgangers. An admittedly odd game but still intriguing.

As a solution, I propose new nicknames for NBA teams that reflect their cities’ identities while still providing a little bit of an edge. Let’s see the New Jersey Sopranos, the Detroit Economic Conditions, or the Los Angeles Persistent Barbra Streisand Careers. If there was a championship series where the Dallas Handgun Toting Drive-Through Liquor Store Customers took on the Boston Overly Privileged Kennedy Family Members, you can bet I’d tune in for every second of the action. I’d probably even buy some replica jerseys.

Monday, April 28, 2003

I picked the wrong time to leave that company. Could have got some cool travel perks.

Thursday, April 24, 2003

Pledge Drive
How about this for a pitch during the NPR pledge drive: "We're on our way to a goal of $550,000 during this pledge drive. If 550,000 of you each pledge a dollar, we will get there. Volunteers are standing by."
Maybe not. But what if other companies tried something similar?

Monday, April 21, 2003

Traveling in the car yesterday, I was eating a donut. There were some crumbs on my hands. I rubbed my hands together to get rid of the crumbs and this disgusted my wife.

HER: Ugh. We live like pigs.
ME: No we don't. It's not that bad.
HER: What's an animal that lives a little cleaner than pigs?
ME: Goats?
HER: Fine. We live like goats.

So it turns out we live like goats.
Bumpy's Trip to the Woods: A Critical Overview
Last night, I was playing with my two-year-old son Charlie and he was pretending to put his enormous yellow rabbit, Bumpy, to bed. I should mention that it was by no means a "bed" that we were putting Bumpy in. It was a blanket on the floor. But whatever. After tucking Bumpy in, Charlie decided to tell Bumpy a story, the first one he's ever made up. It goes like this:

"Bumpy and a bear went to the woods. They met another bear. They heard a noise. It wasn't the other bear. It went 'baa baa baa baa'. It was a sheep. The sheep said 'Hello Bumpy. Time to wake up.'"

I don't know where to begin in dissecting this travesty.

To begin with, let's talk characters (although to be honest, that word is perhaps overly flattering to the portraits Charlie created). Bumpy is a strong protagonist: large, yellow, friendly-looking, and huggable. But then we get to the bears. Early in the story, I enjoyed the inclusion of the first bear, the "companion" character as it provided some tension to our protagonist's, Bumpy's, story. While rabbits and bears are not natural enemies, they are not exactly friends either. So why are they in the woods together? What is their agenda? The bear's existence has dramatic potential but the promise is never fulfilled. When it's revealed to be nothing but a silent do-nothing figure, well, that insults the reader and that makes me furious at my son, the author.

But while the first bear at least has squandered potential, the second bear has no place at all. Is it meant to be a red herring, trying to lure the listener into thinking that there is a major ursine twist to come? Is it merely a stalling technique by an inexperienced author who can't bring himself to set down the pen and think a situation through? No one knows, especially not the author.

If you can call him an author.

Some elements of the storyare promising. "Animals going into the woods" is a solid premise. Keep in mind, both rabbits and bears are supposed to live in the woods. Are Bumpy and his nameless companion returning to their ancestral home? Rejecting their lives in the world of humans and beginning a potentially problematic reassimilation into the wild? Or are they simply visiting? Going back to all the same old rustic haunts and reminiscing in that patronizing way that big city folk do when they go back to their old middle-American high school towns? Will they come to realize that their rustic cousins are not so dumb after all? Could this, with heavy workshopping, be a zoological Doc Hollywood? If that's the case, perhaps the second bear has a role after all. Is there a prodigal bear narrative that merits exploration? There might be a story there.

But the operative word is might. Charlie doesn't pursue it. Is that because he's lazy? Or because he's two? The reader doesn't care, the reader wants to be captivated, and Charlie fails to deliver.

Whatever my son has tried to construct in terms of an arc falls apart when we arrive at this ridiculous sheep character. It's all so facile: the rabbit and the bear, forest creatures, enter the woods and discover the sheep a meadow animal. Forgetting for a moment Charlie's clumsy and obvious introduction of the animal (do we need four full "baa"s to realize it's a sheep?), this habitat switcheroo is just another hamfisted attempt to arrive at the already tired "fish out of water" scenario. Maybe that premise is fresh when you're two.

Speaking of things that aren't fresh, let's talk about the ending. "Hello Bumpy. Time to wake up." Some Charlie enthusiasts will claim that he's deconstructing the very idea of the bedtime story. Not only is Bumpy the story's hero, he is also the one being read the story and by telling him, through the sheep, to wake up, some would argue that Charlie is attacking bedtime story convention and even making a political statement against the tyranny of bedtime. A sort of updated "Being John Malkovich". "Being Bumpy". And while "Bumpy's Trip to the Woods" is sure to score points among fellow anti-sleep toddlers, it's pandering. It's like making Ashcroft jokes at an ACLU meeting. And it does nothing to mitigate the hackneyed "all a dream" conclusion. It's not novel, it's not shocking, and it's not even innovative. It's "Dorothy wakes up" for the sippy-cup generation and it's an insult to all the readers who have invested themselves in these characters' struggles.

Does Charlie have the potential to be a great story teller? To produce the next Hamlet or Ulysses or Goodnight Moon? Well, he's still young. But I'm done working with him until he starts taking this a little more seriously.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

I suppose that is true.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

First Joke of The Syrian War
I heard the US troops are covertly erecting an easily collapsible statue of Syrian president Bashar al-Assad for future use. Also, they're airlifting sandals into Damascus to be distributed among scrappy Syrian kids.
It's not a good joke. But it's the first.

Hooray for Everyone!
The really great thing about this war is that now that it's over (kinda), so many Americans can feel that they were right.
People who support the war see the fact that we stormed in there, blew stuff up, and took over as proof that we did the right thing. And there's plenty of footage of cheering Iraqis and kids hitting statues with shoes to make them feel like heroes. For these folks, the inevitable outcome (victory) is inherent proof of the righteousness of the cause. Tidy!
People who opposed the war can point to the fact that no nuclear, chemical, or biological weapons were found along with the fact that most Iraqis were not cheering and therefore didn't make it onto the TV. For these folks, the same inevitable outcome, and it's accompanying destruction, is the very reason they opposed the war in the first place.
Everyone wins!

Friday, April 11, 2003

Got a thing on McSweeney's today. As if more people read this than that. But there you go.

Apparently, he wasn't from Alabama, he was from Brooklyn. And he wasn't a private, he was a corporal. Still poor judgement.

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Rush Limbaugh
All right, get this straight: I furiously oppose almost everything this guy stands for. Up to and including "excellence in broadcasting". But this was amusing. Rush did a bit of satire (I know, I know, Rush is a bit of satire but stay with me) about Iraqis conquering Yankee Stadium and heading south to seize the tickets to all the hot Broadway shows. One of his listeners gets alarmed, calls Channel 2 to demand they stop covering up this story, and then calls Rush. That phone call, and Rush's attempt to collect himself afterwards, are linked to from this page. Check it out.
The Darker Side of Today's Events
They're pulling down the Saddam statue. Some 19-year-old private from Alabama, all loaded up on fervor and MRE carbs, gets up there with an American flag and puts it over Saddam's head. Wolfowitz sees it on a live feed and grabs the phone and yells, "Get that flag off there you knuckleheads!" In many parts of the world, that's going to be the picture that runs on the front page and justifies anti-AMerican sentiment around the world. Thanks a lot, kid, thanks a lot.
When I started writing this one, I was really heading toward a joke. But somehow I never got there.

The Lighter Side of Today's Events
Don't you think we should all learn to dance like people in the arab world when they're happy? That up and down thing? We need more of that. A new Beastie Boys record has been released? Up and down dancing! The Utah Jazz lost? Up and down dancing! Beverley Hills 90210: The Motion Picture? TONS of up and down dancing!

Friday, April 04, 2003

Do You Have Spare Props?
Do you also need to give those props to someone? I suggest Matthew Baldwin receive them on account of this.

Wednesday, April 02, 2003

The Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld
In case you haven't already, you should really see this.
Pronoun Trouble
So my son Charlie, who is two years old, is still having a bit of a problem distinguishing certain pronouns. "You" vs. "Me" for instance. So the other day I'm playing with him and my wife comes home. Charlie, who also is just learning the idea of "transitioning", doesn't want her interrupting our fun. So he yells "No Mommy! You don't like me!"
This one is interesting to me. While I'm disappointed that the language isn't fully developed and that he was rude to his mother, I can't help but admire his deconstruction of the situation. He's projecting his dislike onto another thereby making himself a victim and making his opponent into an unwitting aggressor. I didn't think he'd be capable of that level of psychological warfare until we was at least 15.

Monday, March 31, 2003

What Makes People Hate America?
This very nearly did it for me.

Friday, March 28, 2003

The Pick n' Roll
So I work on this busy street in Seattle's University District and there's this guy on this one corner that I walk by daily. And he always wants some money and he's one of these guys that tries to engage you in small talk as a prelude to revealing his true intentions. Big hassle but I don't want to be a jerk, right? I'd rather just avoid him but I won't be rude. So now I've discovered that if I use the old-fashioned pick and roll move from basketball, I can avoid him entirely. I walk behind and just off to the side of another pedestrian, putting them between myself and the panhandler. That pedestrian doesn't want to walk directly in front of me so they stay in position. Just before we get to the panhandler, I step up a bit, they step to the side to avoid me and the panhandler has them snared. I curl off behind and I'm on my way.
I'm thinking of signing an actual out of work NBA big man to walk with me at all times to truly perfect this. Maybe I could sign Olden Polynice or Jim McIlvaine.
Oh My Word
Great work from Kottke. A Tom Hanks Filmography. Next to this, regular funny doesn't seem funny.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

Today's Amazon List
Music to Repel Chicks
Some of the Reasons I Have No Future In Hip-Hop
1. Proposed rap: "Goin' to that store to rent myself a VIDEO/ Maybe watch Mark Harmon star in DA PRESIDIO!"
2. Proposed rap: "Sittin out in da hotel FOYER/ Tryin' to catch a glimpse of Jamie MOYER"
3. I would be likely to call Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott by her nickname every time. "Would you like some punch, Misdemeanor? You wanna play volleyball, Misdemeanor?"
4. I would pronounce the non-existent "r" in "Timbaland". "Hello Timberland! Would you like to join Misdemeanor and I for some cake?"
5. Proposed rap: "I mourned the death of Carroll O'CONNOR!/ I sensed he had a lot of HONOR!"

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

How About This?
You infuse a marshmallow peep with dangerous drugs and call it a harshmallow peep. Or you infuse it with really mellow drugs and call it a marshmellow peep. I'm just trying to make peeps a little more edgy. Cause isn't it time?
Today's Amazon List
Stalin & Doris Day

Tuesday, March 25, 2003

Today's Amazon List
Drinking Bad!
Well, what do you do when you're in a coffee shop and they've misspelled "capuccino" as "capacino"? Do you tell a person who's underpaid and overworked that they or their employer are wrong about something so trivial, thereby risking them thinking that you think they're dumb? Or do you let it slide and thus enable the global decline into verbal lawlessness? And if they did spell it wrong, so what and what is spelling anyway and can't we all be brothers and have a flower? Or is it a genuinely helpful thing to do and they'll appreciate your candor as well as an opportunity to present themselves in a more refined manner?

Today, I kept my mouth shut and just, you know, sort of seethed.

Last week, my bank was running a special for employees of nearby businesses including a restaurant called "Old Spaghetti Factory". But at this bank, the one with all my money, it was listed as "old spegeti factery".

I just about had an aneurysm.

Monday, March 24, 2003

Hello Writers
I sometimes review books for Like this one and this one and, oh, this one. But I've never written a review like this one but I wish I had. Oh lord how I wish I had.

Did you know Afghanistan has a web site? Afghanistan has a web site. Such things as web sites and computers were, well, discouraged under the Taliban. But now Afghanistan has a web site. Wow.

Breakfast Cereals of the Existentialists
Sartre Pops
Camus Crunch
Honey Clusters of Heidegger
Frosted Mini-Kierkegaards
Cream of Kafka
Simone de Beauvoir’s Tender Heartbreaking Flakes of Despair & Raisins
Nutty Nietzsche Nuggets
Munch's Muesli Munch
Pascal Puffs
Choco-Dostoevsky Dinosaurs
Effective Acting
Every morning, my 2 year-old son calls for me from his room and I hear it on the baby monitor. Usually, he yells "Daddy!" and I ignore it for a while, especially if it's early in the morning, hoping maybe he'll go back to sleep. This morning, he yelled "Daddy" for a short while, then paused, and then said in a worried voice "Where could them be?" Obviously, I ran right up there.

Friday, March 21, 2003

Ratings News
Here is a reason to be either heartened or very depressed. Can't decide.
Fascinating Toys
I sometimes review toys for my former employer I have some favorite items too. Not that they were the best, mind you, I just had a lot of fun writing about this one and this one.
More Than Meets The Eye
Oh man. I give up. I can't actually write comedy when this guy roams the earth.
I was in PETCO. Here were some books I found:
Puppies for Dummies
Iguanas for Dummies
Pitbulls for Dummies

Sounds a little like an ill-advised social program.

Orchestral Manoeuvres in Tha Dogg Pound
Atari Teenage Quiet Riot
Average Great White Band
'Lil Bow Wow Wow
Frank Black Sabbath
The Guess The Who
PJ Harvey Danger
Badly Drawn Boy George
Fine Young Fresh Cannibal Fellows
Better Than Enya
Better Than Joan Baezra
Semisonic Youth
Steely Dan Fogelberg
The Rolling Stone Roses
Ace of Basehead
Christian Sleater Kinney
Sister Christian Sleater Kinney
Twisted Sister Christian Sleater Kinney
The Magnetic Sally Fields
A Tribe Called Question Mark and the Mysterians
Peter Buckcherry
Kool Moe Deeeee-lite
Peter, Paul, and Sky Cries Mary
Camper Van Halen
Tony Tone Toni Basil
Destiny's Child Prodigy
Megadeth Cab for Cutie
Kid n' Coldplay
De La Soul Coughing
De La Soul II Soul Coughing
Dave Matthews The Band
Moby Moby Grape
Grateful Dead Can Dance
English Beat Happening
Aaron Carter Family
American Mickey Music Mouse Club
Harry Chapin Carpenters
Run-DMC&C Music Factory
Pearl Jam & Bread
Credence Bongwater Revival
Beastie Boys II Men
Beastie Beach Boys II Men
Backstreet Beastie Beach Boys II Men Without Hats
Medeski, Martin, and Wood and Ron Wood and Dean Martin and Another Guy Named Medeski
Joe C. & the Pussycats
Patti LaBelle & Sebastian
Savion, Danny, and Crispin Gloverboy
Barry Whitesnake
Residents of the United States of America
Barenaked Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Supertramp!
Brooks & Dunn and Bradstreet
Sly & The Family Stone Temple Pilots
The Notorious R.E.M.
Crosby, Stills, & Nashville Pussy
Alan Jackson 5
Ugly Kid Joe Jackson
Indigo Girls Against Boys
Lifehouse of Pain
Third Eye Blind Melon
Third Eye Blind Mellencamp
Third Eye Blind Cougar Mellencamp
Sixpence None The Richard Thompson
Body Counting Crows
Color Me Badd Religion
A Perfect Circle Jerks
Talk Mister Duran, Talk Mister Duran
Primal Screaming Trees
Elton John Denver
Incubusty Springfield
Grant Lee Buffalo Tom Jones
Toto the Wet Sprocket
Simon and Gar Funk Railroad
'Lil Kim Carnes
Bell Biv Devo
Rage Against Tin Machine
Days of the New Edition
Sugar Ray Cyrus
Peaches and Herb Alpert
Marilyn Hanson
Carole King Missile
Fatboy Slim Whitman
Blink b-52's
Blink 188 Special
General Public Enemy
Sisters of Percy Sledge
Faith No Morcheeba
Jars of Robert Cray
Keith Sweat and Tears
The Mamas and the Papa Roach
Suge Knight Ranger
Phish Styx
Police Cars
Morris Day Real Estate
Del Amitri, tha Funkee Homosapien
2 Live Cutting Crew
Celine Dio
K-Ci & Falco
The Crystal Gayle Method

Soft Drink Vending Machine Sales Rep:
I know you have options for your soda machine needs here in the Mesa area. But let me ask you this: Who do you trust? A salesman who is a soda drinker? Or a salesman who doesn’t drink soda? Look at my head, Principal Matthews. It’s big. What made it so big? Soda. I got gallons of soda sloshing around in my skull right now. That’s why my head is so gosh-darn big, that’s why you should go with Amalgamated Beverage. I just have a head for soda, you might say. Heh-heh. Uhh. Okay, then.

Baseball Player:
I feel like John Moe has given a lot to this team and all John Moe is asking is for some recognition of that. John Moe’s head has been the biggest on the team for the last five years, John Moe’s head has been one of the biggest in the league for John Moe’s whole career. But if the team won’t recognize the contribution of John Moe’s head with a long-term deal at market value, maybe they should trade John Moe to a contender, somewhere that appreciates the kind of circumference John Moe’s head brings. John Moe would miss the people of Montreal and every one of his Expos teammates but John Moe’s got to do what’s right for John Moe. Peace.

Recipient of Academy Award:
It took so many people to make this head, I accept this for all of them. Thanks to Mom and Dad, I love you guys, for the genetic make-up and the Nordic heritage that made this head size possible. Thanks to the guys at Don’s Barbershop for the haircuts. Couldn’t have done it without you. Please don’t start playing that music! I may never get here again! Finally, to all you youngsters with growing heads out there, I just want to say, keep working hard. Dreams do come true. Thank you.

Playground Basketball Player:
You think you can get past my head? Where you goin’? Where you goin’ with that tiny head of yours? You think a move like that gonna get past my head? My head? Get that shit outta here! Bam! Now, I got the ball, baby. My nasty ol’ big ol’ head and me got the ball and you tryin’ to guard me. I’m goin’ to the rack with my head and it’s too big for you to stop. You can’t stop a freight train, baby, and you can’t stop a bull and you can’t stop my head! Bam!

Frustrated Theater Director:
Everyone here? I have some notes and then we’re going to run the whole play again. Seven and seven eighths. That’s the size of my head. Nearly an eight! That’s the head that was big enough to study at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts Summer program. That’s the head that was big enough to act with Ed Begley, Jr. in The Music Man. That is the head that was so fucking large, it was cast in a god-damned Crisco commercial! So until you one of you grows a head to rival mine, I’m in charge! And until you start listening to my notes, especially you Mr. Shuffly Feet, we are going to run this play over and over. Places for the top of act one!

Foppish Hat Store Customer:
Pardon me, good sir, I’m interested in purchasing a chapeau today. But I will require more than your average fedora, cap, or stovepipe. You see I have been endowed with a rather enormous head. Yes, but it’s really quite tiresome. Few citizens find my enormous skull anything short of remarkable and heroic. Daily, they festoon my house with all manner of ribbons and sweetmeats. So I shall require a bonnet of some great sort to mask this head of mine. Damn the hoi polloi, I say, let my head be protected from their sight with the very fanciest, most splendid hat in the shop. (glances around in anticipation of fawning public.)

Unsuccessful Rock Guitarist:
No, I think Wondermuck is okay. It’s just everyone makes a big deal about Andrew or Drew or whatever his name, the guitarist, and, I’m sorry, that guy just has a tiny head. It’s fucking wee, man. I mean, it’s cool they got signed cause maybe the labels will come to more shows around here. I’m just saying that if they had a guitarist with a bigger head, they’d be better. Like my head. I would never join Wondermuck even if they asked me but if they had a head as big as

Sheriff in Western Movie:
Now listen up! Things are gonna be different in this town and I’ll tell you why! There’s a new head in town, my head, and it’s big. It can carry enough justice for all of ya. If any of you cowboys, especially Butch’s Gang, think you got a bigger head than mine, then meet me out on the street here at noon. But I’ll tell you this: by half past twelve, it will still be my head making the laws around here and it will be your heads living by them.

Aaaahhh! Aaaahhhh! (patting my head) Ooh! Ooh! (pounding my chest) Aaaahhh! (stroking my head) Eee! (throwing poo)
What would the Best Picture nominees be called if they were all titled by the guy who came up with "Boat Trip"?
Singing Killer Lady
Hobbit Trip
Piano Guy
Writer Lady
New York Gangs