TOUR DIARY: BELLINGHAM

Ever have one of those days when, by the end of it, you look back on how the day started and you can't believe it was the same day? I did.

9am - leave for SFO airport aboard a shuttle bus that, after 45 minutes of driving around downtown picking up passengers, I began to suspect had no intention of leaving the city.

11am- fly to Seattle. I think I read a book.

1pm- land, catch a cab, tell him I wish to take the backroad highway to West Seattle, put up with his passive aggressive sigh, arrive home, shower, change.

3pm- arrive at KUOW to voice my weekly bit for Weekend America

3:45pm - have quick visit with my own family in the parking lot of Archie McPhee's of all places (Jill's sister and nephew were in town, they were all out running about)

4pm- begin drive to Bellingham

4:30pm- get stuck in traffic

4:45pm- seethe

5:15pm- seethe more

6:15pm- arrive in Bellingham, hasty dinner with dear friends Sean and Rebecca

7:30pm- reading at Bellingham's most awesometacular Village Books, a store I've long admired. Either there were bribes or the KUOW cache carries northward because the place was packed. Great energetic crowd, that made me ham it up more, it was almost theater. Afterwards, Sean and I went out for drinks (me, one small beer) with Village Books events maven Lindsey who manages to lure not just me - I'm easy - but even Jonathan Safran Foer up to her stoer. Also joining us: Lindsey's cool friends. Not joining us: bookstore cohort Jill who had a hot date with a man who's hear was like that of Rita Coolidge. But macho. Or something.

10:45pm- drive home

12:15am- arrive home, assist in the preparation of house for Kate's 4 year old birthday the next day

12:45am- drift off to sleep, thrilled to be home with family, thankful to HarperCollins for letting me have a day with family before beginning the second part of the tour.

TOUR DIARY: BOSTON sneak preview. People here talk different! And there are many bars!

TOUR DIARY: SAN FRANCISCO - DAY FOUR OF FOUR

Another day with not a whole lot scheduled during the day. This leads to more walking around San Francisco (because how often do you ever get to San Francisco?). I headed down Columbus toward downtown, passing the Zoetrope building. It's big and old and green and the sort of headquarters of Francis Ford Coppola's empire. A rather wordy plaque informs visitors that this was the place where Godfathers 1 and 2 were edited and mixed. They omitted Godfather 3 but mentioned Rumblefish. I stopped in at City Lights, the famous beatnik and hippie bookstore. It's not, apparently, a Conservatize Me bookstore. I think it's about time I realize I'm fairly mainstream.

Then I went to see The Departed. In that movie, everyone shoots everyone else. It's directed by Martin Scorsese. Made me a little nervous about the upcoming tour stop in Boston.

Back at my room, I had a phone interview with a print reporter for the Washington Post Express. As I tried to answer his questions, there was a knock at my door. A really persistent knock. For, like, five rounds of knocking. Finally, I asked the reporter to hold and I went to the door. "What?! What?! What is it?!" It was the guy delivering my jacket that I had pressed. I hope the reporter didn't overhear my lack of patience with the persistent laundry deliverer. I wasn't rude, just more exasperated than I like to get.

For that night's reading, we parked in front of a stop sign, altered to read "STOP and smell a flower." The reading was in Berkeley. Big crowd at Black Oak Books, a mix of politically aware boomers and young McSweeney's post-hipsters. I'm beginning to see this mix a lot. Also in attendance, semi-clandestine Republicans who I've also been seeing periodically. They're always quite polite. At the Q&A we had one of those "I challenge your assumptions" guys who does more commenting than questioning. When I didn't seem to loathe conservatives enough, he walked away indignantly. Lots of other good questions and even appearance by Ian, my former co-worker at a Seattle temp agency. Also at this reading, someone finally claimed the secret prize. I guess I need to get a new secret prize. The old one was a polka CD.

So new secret prize. Anyone who says YOUR BOOK IS LIKE A MERINGUE PIE EXCEPT THE MERINGUE IS INSIGHT AND THE PIE IS A BOOK.

Nick from Black Oak introduced me, just as he did at the Northern California Independent Booksellers' Association in Oakland a while back. As with everyone introducing me, I continue to be impressed by the high quality of writing on the part of booksellers. I just feel like sitting around and listening to them for a while but then I have to get up and talk.

This was my last night in the Bay Area. I'll miss it.

TOUR DIARY: SAN FRANCISCO - DAY THREE OF FOUR

On the docket for Wednesday: nothing all day, Santa Rosa at night. So I had the whole day to fill/kill/THRILL! At the urging of my wife (who alert friends and readers know is much smarter than me), I decided against sitting around the hotel room and stewing about book publicity and in favor of perhaps seeing more of the city I was in, which was conveniently one of the beautifulest around.

On the advice of the concierge, I hopped a trolley car (I know!) and took it up a steeeep hill, all the way to Union Square. Trolley cars are noisy. Since I was alone and self-conscious and kind of a weird guy, I didn't want to let on that I was a tourist. So I tried to blend. Had a lovely walk around downtown and a stroll through Chinatown where I picked up a silk purse for Kate.

Something about SF: there are lots of little shops and restaurants that don't seem to be open in any reasonable or consistent manner. It's like a nice little business but then the door is barred but the lights are on. Vexing. It's as if all of San Francisco decided to start businesses and then sort of lost interest in running it and stopped showing up.

I also got good news on a couple of publicity fronts. The Washington Post Express, which is not a delivery service but a whole nother paper, is doing an interview that will appear the day of the DC appearance. The Express is a free shorter version of the Post that's handed out at Metro stations. So while the regular Post is well regarded, the Express is actually read. Also, the book will be reviewed in the New York Times Book Review. Thrilled. Terrified. All that.

We drove over the Golden Gate Bridge all the way up to Santa Rosa and Copperfield's: home of tremendous generosity, lovely teapots, and Louisa, the hostess who politely asked my permission to compare me to Barbara Ehrenreich and Lemony Snicket (permission granted!). I trotted out the SUV passage instead of the Nixon passage and it was well received. Lots of folks sticking around to chat afterwards, a few even buying books.

Next time: we find out if there are any liberals - oh excuse me, the word is progressive now - in Berkeley.

TOUR DIARY: SAN FRANCISCO - DAY TWO OF FOUR

On day one I went way down to Santa Cruz. On day three, I go way up to Santa Rosa. But day two was within the San Francisco city limits. I did a pleasant phone interview with Shepherd Express, which is not the speediest rounder up of sheep anywhere but rather an alternative weekly in Milwaukee.

Then I did this thing that I had never heard about. My media escort picked me up at the Argonaut Hotel and we went to four bookstores in an hour or so, dropping in, saying hi, signing every one of my books they had and moving along to the next. They knew we were coming so it wasn't a cold call but it was still occasionally awkward. Like, I wanted to make friends with the booksellers because a) it's good to make friends and b) then they'll recommend the book. At store #1 I noticed Noam Chomsky's Hegemony Or Survival and commented to the clerk (a dead ringer for the non-Jack Black employee in High Fidelity) that I had written the Amazon editorial review for that one. "We don't use the a-word around here." Tension. Dude, I'm just making small talk. "Well, now I work in public radio" I said. That seemed to help. But not much. "Okay, thanks for your time" I muttered.

Other stores went better, including Booksmith's in the Haight-Ashbury where everyone was way cool and I even met the owner. I wished I could have stayed and shopped. At some of the stores I offered to sign Mitch Albom's books too but they politely declined. Then back to the hotel for a phone interview with a radio station in Bellingham.

The reading/signing was at Books, Inc. downtown, a store that has been in business for, oh, about a month. Although sort of a long time before that as A Clean Well Lighted Place For Books (only the greatest bookstore name ever). Not a ton of people since getting actual SF press was tricky but a lot of enthusiasm and alarmingly large poster displays featuring the picture Jill took of me on our side deck.

Someone asked me if tour was a drag. It's not. It's an all expenses paid trip around the country where you occasionally go to bookstores where people who think you're interesting tell you so. But let's see how I feel round about Milwaukee late next week.

Santorum/Gimli in '08?

In my book, CONSERVATIZE ME, (have I mentioned I wrote a book?), I review various movies based on their alleged conservative messages. Among them are the three Lord of the Rings movies. I've received some scoffing from lefties on that since they don't see the connection. But Rick Santorum does.

Santorum used the analogy from one of his favorite books, J.R.R. Tolkien's 1950s fantasy classic, "Lord of the Rings," to put an increasingly unpopular war in Iraq into terms any school kid could easily understand.

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else," Santorum said, describing the tool the evil Lord Sauron used in search of the magical ring that would consolidate his power over Middle-earth.

"It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S.," he continued. "You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States."

When you're trotting out Tolkein two weeks before the election, that's trouble.

TOUR DIARY: SAN FRANCISCO – DAY ONE OF FOUR

Oh well, this is quite nice indeed. Oh my goodness yes. They’ve put me up in the Argonaut Hotel, which is right at Fisherman’s Wharf. It’s an old cannery but has now become a swank hotel. They replaced all the cans with swank. I can look out of my window and see Alcatraz and boats and lots of tourists. The only drag is that I packed my toothbrush next to the deodorant. And the deodorant's cap came off. Aaaaand then I brushed my teeth.

Last night, my media escort David Golia drove me two hours (!) down the coast to Capitola, California, which is indeed right near Santa Cruz. Across the street, they told me. I was appearing at the Capitola Book Café and my name was up in reader board letters. Not quite a name up in lights but still new and thrilling to me. We had a good turn out as I spoke from a round information desk thingy. I read parts of the book about the Rexburg, Idaho mayor who renounces the Republican Party, the dawning of my Nixon man-crush, and I added my Toby Keith concert chewing tobacco hallucinations. That last part was new but seemed to go well.

In the front row was a guy in a cowboy hat, grey camouflage (I’ve never understood that – is it to hide among trees made of cement?), and , I kid you not, a toothpick in his mouth. So here I was making all these jokes about the right and all the while thinking, “I wonder if this guy is a representative of a lynch mob? And if so, what are the odds that the hippies in attendance would be prepared to fend them off?” But nope, just a regular guy.

David, the media escort, is a musician and big time music geek. In the four hours of round trip driving we had plenty of time to talk rock. It sometimes stuns me how much information about pop music I’ve amassed over the years. Perhaps this is my next book, something about pop music. Or I could leverage all that sports knowledge I’ve gathered up.

Just got off the phone with a reporter in Milwaukee who is doing a print piece on the book, then off to sign books at various stores, and finally read and sign at Books, Inc. in San Francisco.

I find myself with time on my hands for the first time in a while. Family’s at home. There are readings and interviews but they’re spread out. So I instantly convert that free time to stress: now is when I should accomplish ALL those things I’ve meant to do. Now. In the next two hours.

CONTEST: FIRST PERSON TO SAY TO ME “YOUR BOOK IS LIKE A CHALUPA BUT STUFFED WITH INSIGHT” AT ONE OF THE READINGS, GETS A PRIZE.

TOUR DIARY: MORE PORTLAND

I may just take up residency here in the Portland airport. Free wi-fi AND the delicious coffee of the indigenous Coffee People. My flight to SFO is delayed so I just get to love it all more.

Yesterday I had a delightful phone interview with the improbably named Billy Sunshine Show. As you can guess, Billy Sunshine was apoplectic with rage. Fortunately, it wasn't directed at me but rather at the modern American right. He and his co-host/producer Barbara had actually read the book, which is always nice since it often leads to questions I hadn't heard before (Barbara wanted to know about the footnotes).

The day before I had been on David Gold's show. He's a conservative in the Bay Area and we had a lot of fun sparring on a number of issues related to political identity. He tends to call folks on the left "libs". I asked him if he called the other side "cons" or just "people" or "Americans". He wasn't sure. It got a bit shouty, more so than I'm used to in The Urbane World of Public Radio, but it was always civil and even friendly. Afterwards we both agreed it was fun. One caller said that if I couldn't get what was so great about Reagan, I was an idiot. Also that all liberals are communists and socialists. Sigh. This is the kind of dumbing down of discourse that I hope I can change just a tidge. Gold appeared to be embarrassed about the caller. I just feel bad that the caller has to go through life with such a filter. I don't think it helps you understand the world better to do crap like that.

Last night was my reading at Powell's, the famed "takes up a whole damn city block" bookstore in Portland. When I got there, I learned that it was all coordinated by esteemed McSweeney's veteran Kevin Sampsell who also introduced me. Maybe 50-65 people at the event. I knew six of them and while the personal me was glad to see friends, the professional me was pleased to see strangers. I'm still stunned and delighted that strangers are paying to read my book and going to bookstores to hear what I have to say.

I was a little nervous to see hippies in attendance given that I empathize with Nixon in his battle against the hippies and generally read that part at bookstore events. But the hippies can take it. They are a docile race (and thus easily conquered if someone really wanted to, which no one does).

After the event, I went out for zesty macaroni n' cheese (hipster gourmet style) at a place in Portland that might have been called either Montage or Collage (but not, I don't think, Corsage or Fromage or Dressage).

On to the Bay Area to read tonight at Capitola Book Cafe. I think it's part of Santa Cruz. Billy Sunshine is expected to be in attendance.

Good News!

I'm now actively despised on the right and on the left, at least among people who do their despising on blogs and comment spaces. Hell, that was easy. Earning enmity among the humorless hotheads is a snap, turns out. There's a phrase for the meaning of having a cross section of the constantly furious mad at you: doing something right.

Your "willing tool of the rightwing project",
jm

ps. I'm also a willing tool of the Alan Parsons Project!

TOUR DIARY: PORTLAND

I'm in the blessedly wi-fi-packed Portland airport having just finished the first of two rapid fire trips to Portland, Oregon. I gave a talk at the Pacific Northwest Booksellers Association yesterday afternoon. It was this program where they had ten authors speak for 12 minutes each and we were told to not read from our books. I was scheduled to go on 9th. For a while, we were ahead of schedule and all the authors moved along briskly. But then someone went and mentioned that and the next author, a teacher by trade, happily gobbled up the loose minutes. The 7th speaker was my pal Ryan Boudinot, author of the darkly brilliant book The Littlest Hitler. He pushed us from "on time" to "way over" as he read his title story. That made the 8th speaker annoyed, which was a bad thing because she was already a poet so she's inevitably annoyed anyway.

She talked about how little respect poetry gets and then, as she tried to find her place in her own book to read something, she commented on how nice it was to have silence. And I'm thinking "the only reason we have silence is because you've lost your place". And then she talked about genocide for quite a while.

And then I had to get up and talk about my book and make jokes and try to have fun. A laugh was a lot to ask of the poor booksellers by this point but they did their best. Later at the book signing table I had a huuuuge long line of people waiting for me to sign. Which was awfully nice. So I think it was a big success.

On the air this morning with Thom Hartmann today, Portland lefty radio host. He's earnest but I got some jokes in. Flying back to Seattle to do Michael Medved's show at 1. I was scheduled to be on Rachel Maddow's Air America show too but that got postponed.

Update: Just got off the air with Medved. Nice guy. Had a lovely time. But conservative talk radio can be such a weird prism of reality. He said things like "well obviously the major network news organizations have a liberal bias and so do the colleges and even the high schools" and then move on to another point. And I sit there wondering if I should challenge that fairly ridiculous simplistic supposition or just let it pass. I let it pass and waited for my next chance to tell a joke. He obviously never met, for instance, every single high school teacher I ever had ever.

Today's Media

- KCTC in Sacramento, interview with Scott & Sims, one of whom (I think it's Sims though it could be Scott) is wearing sunglasses!
- Interviewed by Dr. Alvin Augustus Jones for WCBQ-AM & WHNC-AM in Oxford, NC. And if you think he has a big name, wait til you see his big web site.
- Talking to Michelangelo Signorile later today for his show on Sirius. I hope there is no live spelling of his name.

Excerpt today on McSweeney's

Just go right here. I could just copy and paste the whole thing but this is more sporting, don't you think?

Quotability

I might have a chance to be one of them quoted people on the side of Starbucks' cups. They're interested, I'm interested, I've got the form. What ought I to say?

"I wish they had more locations"

"No, please, accept more money for this latte"

"I think the mermaid digs me. No, I mean the older hotter mermaid."

Hmm...

Maybe this a better way

Yesterday I pointed out that all I seem to do anymore is ask you to buy the book. And on the air I badger people pledge drive style. So here are gifts.



It's the mid-80's Lakers telling you not to do drugs via "rap music". Here are some ways they do so:

1. Huge grandma sunglasses
2. Golf shirts
3. Kareem not even showing up at the same time as the other guys at the studio but still calling himself "the captain of the team"
4. Kurt Rambis rapping
5. Lots of rapping in the "I'm (x) and I'm here to say" fashion of the day.
6. Mob of children.
7. Horror, horror, horror.

I'm Very Sorry

The fall pledge drive at some radio station where I work began today. So between that and the publicity for the book I now spend almost all of my time trying to get people to give up their money for something that I call thought provoking.

It will all pass.

Meanwhile, enjoy Strindberg and Helium.

TOUR DIARY

I’m in Oakland, California, home of my Mariners’ much better operated division rival, at the Northern California Independent Booksellers Association conference. I had been asked to deliver a 12 minute speech about…something. The book or me or books in general or something. I was intimidated a bit but then I realized I had been working on this thing for, all told, 27 months. So 12 minutes? Not so hard. I was told it was a big success. Whew. Then today I signed a ton of books for people who had never heard of me.

Also today, I went to the Barnes & Noble in Jack London Square and there was the book. I know: a book in a bookstore? Wha?! But it's still such a thrill.

News

A few weeks ago, I announced the happy news that we were pregnant. Sadly, this is no longer the case. We love the baby very much and mourn the loss. Thanks to all who have sent positive thoughts and prayers.

On the radio, in theaters

710 KIRO in the greater Seattle area. Pretty sure I'll talk about the book, not sure if I'll talk about Tony Snow calling Foley's messages to pages "naughty e-mails" and what that says about conservatism and Republicanism. Pretty sure we won't talk about Dave Reichert's unspeakably tight t-shirts.

Also, tonight is the big official launch party for the book at the Big Picture in Seattle's Belltown neighborhood. Come on over! You're welcome to ask me about Reichert's t-shirts there.

CONSERVATIZE ME is available in stores

Some time ago, I posted this in this here blog:

Thursday, May 12, 2005
A Brief Update
So it turns out I'm writing a book. It's tentatively planned, I don't even want to say scheduled, for October of 2006. This is something I've been working toward for a long while and I'm grateful that it's happening. Not sure what it means for this blog but my intention is to keep it going. You probably won't need to check it more than about once a week but I will endeavor to post whenever I can.

Well, here it is October 3rd and the book is out. In fact, it started showing up on people's doorsteps yesterday if they ordered through Amazon. But as of today, it is also in stores. Not sure if the Barneses and Nobles will have it, probably depends where you are. But if not they can order it. Me, I'm going down to Elliott Bay Book Company in downtown Seattle tomorrow to see it on the shelves. For as long as I can remember, I've been going to that place and often wandering by certain shelves and picturing my book there, generally right after Dennis Miller, alphabetically.

I want to thank readers of this blog for your help in this effort. A blog keeps a writer in shape. And especially when you know people are reading it, it makes you work harder at it, even if all you're doing is typing out some weird thing your kid said about God and dinosaurs or something. I have found the book writing process to be fascinating, exhilirating, exhausting, frustrating, and different than I ever expected in almost every way. On the little business cards they've given me to hand out it says that you can learn about my next book by going to AuthorTracker.com. And I was all, What next book?! No plans yet. But I do hope to do this again.

It was over a year of research, writing, and editing. Now it's all publicity. Did I mention it makes an outstanding gift?

Anyway, thanks. If you read the book, I hope you enjoy it. This guy in Buffalo did.

And here is a picture from the Seattle Times that you may find unsettling:

A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5) and Kate (Age 3) About Organized Religion

ME: You guys want to go to church today or go to the Farmer's Market and buy fruit?
KATE: Fruit! Farmer's Market!
CHARLIE: Fruit!
KATE: I don't like church!
ME: Why?
KATE: They make me go away with babysitters.
ME: And you want to stay with Mom and Dad.
KATE: Yeah. I love you.
CHARLIE: I don't like church because it doesn't make any sense.
ME: What do you mean?
CHARLIE: All they want to talk about is God and Jesus. And it doesn't make sense. All the stories are just so weird. All day long they talk about that every day. It bugs.
ME: Fruit makes more sense.
CHARLIE: Yeah.

Attention World: It's Not Okay to Stare No Matter What

So it's like this. My daughter Kate (Age 3) is a wonderful person. Passionate about music, enthused about travel and life experiences, fiercely loyal to friends and family. She's also two other things: a dwarf and adorable. She's cute as hell, there's no denying it. When you see Kate, you realize that she's proportioned differently than most other people and, as is the case with anything anomalous, that catches your attention and you need a second to make sense of it. And what happens when you add in the cuteness, well, people end up staring at her in public places. Sometimes with a smile on their faces, sometimes not.

That happened today. About a half an hour ago. We were in this coffee shop, waiting in line, and this woman kept staring at Kate.

ME: Please stop staring at my daughter.
HER: But she's so cute!
ME: That doesn't make it okay to stare at her.
HER: Well, I just think she's adorable.
ME: Stop staring at her. It's not okay.

It's not okay to stare. It's not. It's rude. But because she's a child, many people think the rules that apply to civilized society don't apply to her.

But. They. Do.

You shouldn't stare at people with physical differences. You shouldn't even stare at people who are cute just because they're cute. It's not okay.

Here's the deal. If you'd like to meet Kate, or anyone for that matter, walk up and introduce yourself. Show some respect.

Sometimes I'm glad that Kate (Age 3) fills me with such joy for the world. Because that prevents me from punching people in their eyes.

People I May Have Offended

(simul-blogged at conservatizeme.com)

The book comes out in four more days. Available on shelves, deliverable by Amazon, the whole thing. And at that point, my descriptions of various people and accounts of my time with them become public. Perhaps it's good to take occasional inventory of some of the Conservatize Me cast of characters.

Dinesh D'Souza - Pundit. I never meet him in the book but I think I describe him as the most boring writer in the world. But because he's boring (and smug and busy), dude will never read my book. Status: safe!

"Jeff Gannon" - Fake reporter/possible real gay porn star. I had tea with him during the book and learned that maybe what he wanted all along, the reason he concocted this whole weird career trajectory is that he wanted to be a conservative pundit. And he figured the whole gay porn thing would never come up. Among conservatives. "Gannon" has plenty of people writing worse things than I did. I was almost too fascinated to be cruel. Still, what if he shows up at a reading, furious and wild-eyed? Status: mostly safe!

Rich Lowry - editor, National Review. I like Rich but he might be offended when I describe the National Review offices as looking like a fly-by-night telemarketing operation and their library as looking like the set of a high school play. And I dis their implementation of the Dewey Decimal System. Oh man, I'm adding all this up. He's going to KILL me. Status: Severe danger!

William Kristol - neo-con Godfather. I do compare him to a vampire but I also point out his eerie resemblance to my late father. He's too busy resuscitating the dying body of his ideology but hell, maybe he'll show up at the Georgetown Barnes & Noble for a reading...with a taste for blood! Status: Slight danger!

Lee Greenwood - musical atrocity. I take down Greenwood in the book. I am not kind. I am also not remorseful. In fact, I want Greenwood coming after me, shambling on over looking for a fight. Calling me out. Throwing down. Stepping to me. Two hits: me hitting him, him hitting the floor. Actually three hits: me hitting him again once he's on the floor. Status: safe!

Whew. There's a lot of these. And I haven't even gotten to Kid Rock or the mayor of Rexburg, Idaho.

Conservatizing with the Pre-Conservatized

I think I'll end up doing a fair amount of public radio interviews for this book. But today I found out that I'll be doing an hour with Michael Medved on 10/5 from 1-2pm pacific time. Medved is in the book. I spent a day sitting in the studio with him while he did his show. It was the day of the London bombings. Was the word "Islamofascism" brought up? Yes. Yes it was.

But he's not the only one who probably thinks I'm dramatically underestimating Huge Threats. Someone on the left does too!

Clearly, I Gotta Have My Publicist Call Hugo Chavez

A long time ago, when I used to review books for Amazon, I was assigned the latest Chomsky tome. It was okay. My review appeared on the site.

But now Hugo Chavez has endorsed and the damn thing is at #4.

Is it too soon?

Norm MacDonald says no. It's time.

I Shall Endeavor to Double Blog

Both here and at conservatizeme.com. My first post is up there. It's about senators.

Old Skool Seattle Radio Reunion!

Also known as completely contemporary national radio.

Tomorrow (9/16), I'll be co-hosting Weekend America. It's a national public radio show (not a National Public Radio show - bonus points for caring about the difference). In the first hour airing in Seattle (12-1 at some radio station where I work), I'll be co-hosting with Bill Radke. It's the first time we've ever done radio together where I wasn't subservient to him as writer/producer/lackey. And so I shall make him pay. No. I won't. Actually, I owe Bill much of my career. Here's the trick: he'll be in Philadelphia, I'll be in Los Angeles. Should be fun. In the other hour, I'll be co-hosting with Barbara Bogaev, which is also fun but less monumental to Rewind fans.

New Site is Operational!

ConservatizeMe.com is up and running. Once I can borrow a digital video camera, there will be a YouTube welcome thingy on there too. I will continue to blog here and may also blog differently over there.

Exciting days.

Moe Family Jumps Shark

Recently, in a desperate bid to boost ratings, we went on a family trip to Kauai. "The Moe Family is going to Hawaii!" we shouted. Mysterious goings on with tiki gods soon followed. We all learned to surf and even won a contest. A huge luau was held as Charlie (age 5) fell in love with an adorable Hawaiian girl. Okay, most of that didn't happen. But we did go to Hawaii.

So what does every sitcom do when the Hawaii plotline has passed? That's right: the new baby. Coming in March. Because honestly, the ones we got won't stay cute forever. This will buy us a little more time. A third kid. Completing the trilogy. Working title: Return of the Jedi Moe. There will never be a Phantom Menace Moe because those movies never happened.

Accolades! I think!

Conservatize Me, I've just been told, is now this:

BookSense Notable pick for November

Featured Alternate Selection of Quality Paperback Book Club and InsightOut Book Club
*
Update: I think InsightOut is a Gay/Lesbian thing, so...huh? But okay!

Three Conversations with Charlie (Age 5) About Star Wars

My boy is awfully fond of Star Wars. In the same way that a koala is fond of eucalyptus. He thinks about it all the time and consumes it some form (book, stickers, Lego, prying Dad for more information) almost constantly. He's very intrigued by the Darth Vader - Obi Wan light saber battle because it's dramatically important and because it's too scary for him to watch so I need to describe it nearly every day.

HIM: Kate! I'm going to bonk you on the head! I'm going to strike you down!
ME: You can't bonk her, Charlie. If you strike your sister down, she will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
HIM: What?

HIM: Okay Kate, hold up the bat and I'll be the thrower.
HER: O-KAY!
HIM: And I'm going to strike you out!
ME: Careful, Charlie. If you strike her out, she will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

HIM: Dad, why does Obi-Wan say he will become more powerful if he gets killed?
ME: Well, he means his ghost will become powerful.
HIM: How can a ghost be powerful?
ME: He can talk to Luke once in a while. Give him advice. Be kind of a friend and helper.
HIM: Like a ghost helper?
ME: That's right.
HIM: Well, that's just stupid.

Get Out Your Satin Jackets - We Have Tour Dates

TOUR:

10/4 SEATTLE, WA/Seattle Book Salon w/Seattle Magazine/Party& Signing - The Big Picture in Belltown

10/5 SEATTLE, WA/Queen Anne Books/Speaking & Signing

10/6 OAKLAND, CA/NCIBA/Speaking @ Welcome Reception

10/7 OAKLAND, CA/NCIBA/Signing

10/12 PORTLAND, OR/PNBA/Speaking & Signing @ Celebration of Authors

10/15 PORTLAND, OR/Powell’s Bookstore/Speaking & Signing

10/16 CAPITOLA, CA/Capitola Book Café/Speaking & Signing

10/17 SAN FRANCISCO, CA/Books Inc./Speaking & Signing

10/18 SANTA ROSA, CA/Copperfield’s Books/Speaking & Signing

10/19 BERKELEY, CA/Black Oak Books/Speaking & Signing

10/20 BELLINGHAM, WA/Village Books/Speaking & Signing

10/23 BOSTON, MA/Boston University Bookstore/Speaking&Signing

10/24 WASHINGTON, DC/Barnes & Noble(Georgetown)/Speaking&Signing

10/25 MINNEAPOLIS, MN/Magers & Quinn Books/Speaking & Signing

10/26 MILWAUKEE, WI/H.W. Schwartz Bookstore/Speaking & Signing

10/27 AUSTIN, TX/Texas Book Festival/Speaking & Signing

10/28 AUSTIN, TX/Texas Book Festival/Panel & Signing

11/1 LAKE FOREST PARK, WA/Third Place Books/Speaking & Signing

11/6 SEATTLE, WA/University Bookstore/Speaking & Signing

Yes, But What's So Great About Having Kids?

It's this: one night will be the first night your son (Age 5) will really discover the full range of possibility surrounding flashlight shadow puppets as he lies in bed awaiting sleep. And he'll call you urgently into his room to see something. He'll be holding the flashlight under his arm so the arm casts a shadow on the ceiling. "Dad!" he'll say, "Look! I'm strong!" Yes. Yes you are.

In Case Anyone's Still Reading...

I took a leave of absence, you see. Went on vacation. To Hawaii, a state that can make a lot of words out of only 12 letters. I didn't announce it here in advance because we both know you'd rob my house.

Anyway, there's a thing happening at Bumbershoot (big Seattle arts hoo-ha) this weekend where I'm going to do live readings of some of my fave bits from the Pop Song Correspondences column in McSweeney's. I'm calling it "Pop Song Correspondences Comes Alive!" and it will involve music and jokes and me. 1:00 pm on Monday. For only half an hour. If it works out, maybe I could become one of those solo theater artists, like Whoopi Goldberg but hopefully without the unfortunate Ted Danson period.

Book tour dates to be announced soon! Conan doesn't want me! Olbermann does!

Public Radio History to be Made

It's the most awesomest lineup ever. Today, on some show at some radio station where I work, the lineup is this:

1. The Long Winters play live and I interview them
2. Tommy Chong shows up and talks to Dave Beck
3. Movie reviews!

This Will Make You Want to Buy the Book... or NEVER Buy The Book



(I know it seems like I've turned into a book promotional machine lately but honestly it's necessarily consumed almost all of my brain).

What You Do

When your wife has a killer migraine and is getting some much needed sleep, when your kids were up til 10 and then sleep late, when you had to get some radio writing done and woke up at 5:30 unable to go back to sleep, here's what you do: you finish the radio writing by 6:30, you read the paper for 20 minutes, then you realize that you should be promoting your book more so you get on MySpace and invite lots of people to be your friends. So here's what idle time yields: craven neediness. The lesson? Either sleep in, get your kids to bed earlier, or cure migraines.

My Book Has A Cover!

Well, it's been working toward having one for a while. But now it really does. It's on Amazon. I'm relieved/excited/wonderstruck. The itty-bitty blurb at the top, in case you can't read it, is from John Hodgman, Former Professional Literary Agent, and better known today as author of The Areas of My Expertise, a regular on The Daily Show, and, in commercials that play every four seconds, a PC.

You can buy the book here if you want. Lovely gift and all that. And it has jokes.

Behold!

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Preferences

HIM: Dad, who's your favorite in Looney Tunes?
ME: Daffy Duck. He's the most crass.
HIM: What's that mean?
ME: Oh, I just like how he rages against the world. It's funny.
HIM: I like Bugs Bunny. You know why?
ME: No. Why?
HIM: He has the most plans.
ME: The most plans? Like what kind of plans?
HIM: He's always tricking people and making jokes. And he always has these wonderful plans for how to do everything.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About the Situation in Lebanon

(we're in the car and the top of the hour NPR news comes on. I scramble to turn down the volume on the lead story but accidentally turn it up instead)
RADIO: Eight people were killed today, their bodies found hours afterw (CLICK)
HIM: Whew! That's good!
ME: What's good?
HIM: That only eight people got killed.
ME: That's good?
HIM: Well, it could have been a lot more. Like hundreds!

Are You Now or Have You Ever Been a Member of the Cast of "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown"?

Army specialist dismissed for being gay was questioned about his involvement with community theater.

Little to Say

Haven't updated much lately. Sorry about that.

Been having some tribulations that have caused me to smack head against table. Won't go into it here but everyone's fine, everything's fine, all will be fine, but man it was, as Charlie (Age 5) would say, FUSStrating. But now it's good. Buy me a cup of coffee some time and I'll tell you about it.

A song this morning by Charlie (Age 5):

Oh, imagination is stupid
Imagination is stupid
Imagining things is dumb and a waste of time
Imagination! IS! DUMB!

(Make up some random melody. He did.)

TV

Okay, so the most brilliant sitcom you're likely to see in a while can be found at YouTube. Everyone's watching it. It's called Nobody's Watching (see the pilot in three installments: 1, 2, 3). It's scripted. The concept is this: two high school pals love sitcoms, they send a video of themselves to the WB asking for jobs, the WB moves them to LA to make a sitcom but they make them live on a sitcom set and have a studio audience in place at all times, the guys then must make a pilot. It's funny as hell. Anyway, the pilot (real) was not picked up by the WB, sending the show to purgatory. Now it's on YouTube and is so popular that it's being seen by everyone. And it's really funny.

It got me thinking. What if my life is a big sitcom? And it's all being filmed? Like in the Truman Show?

Evidence to back up theory:
1. I work in a radio station, popular sitcom setting.
2. I have adorable wisecracking kids.
3. Guest stars seem to drop by (in the last few weeks I've talked with David Cross and Lewis Black)
4. I'm fond of making jokes.

Evidence to cast theory into doubt:
1. My issues are generally not resolved.
2. No laugh track, as far as I know.
3. Co-workers are fairly homogenous; I don't have the stuffy one, the sleazy one, the oversexed one, the stupid one. They're all normal smart people who quietly go about their business.

Still, maybe it's like an artsy sitcom. Like a new kind of sitcom. And it's certainly not a drama, a reality show, or a news program. Like a sitcom on the Sundance Channel where no one actually laughs.

So let me ask you this: if you're life was a TV show, what kind of show would it be?

I Attended My High School Reunion Last Friday

They asked me to make remarks at the beginning of the program.

Remarks I made:

"It's a night of fun, memories, schadenfreude. And because we have Federal Way High School educations, I'll point out that that's a word you can look up on the computer. And because we have Federal Way High School educations, I'll point out that the computer is that little TV with the box attached to it that don't seem to work with the REE-mote."

The Judas Priest lyric study group will not be doing their presentation tonight. They will be meeting at the regular time next week at CoCo's. This week's topic is Turbo Lover. Please wear leather wristbands.

"11:15 has been set aside for the drunken "I've always had a crush on you" confessional. I see the cheerleaders have once again formed a tight closed circle so you know where to find them."


High school classmates, then and now

Then: Mormon girl I had a crush on
Now: Former mormon and current lesbian

Then: Obnoxious football player
Now: Obnoxious sheet metal worker, 100 pounds heavier

Then: Cheerleaders (4) who found themselves fascinating and assumed everyone else did as well
Now: Same but only three of them now


Questions I asked of other people:

So were you hooked on speed at some point? (answer: No! My god, what are you talking about?)

When you got married, did you think that would take care of the lesbian thing? (answer: yes)

Who are you? (answer: Someone you went to school with for six years, my god, I can't believe you don't remember!)


Questions asked of me:

What kind of music does your radio station play (answer: It's not that kind of... see, the way public radio works is....never mind)

Did you ever go to all these parties? (answer: Nope)

Who did you hate the most? (answer: That guy riiiiiiight there. And evidently I still do)

At Starbucks this morning, waiting in line


BARISTA: What do you have planned this weekend?
CUSTOMER 1: Oh, just getting stuff done around the house.
BARISTA: Cool. Gotta do that. Have a good day. (then to new customer) That'll be $3.29. What's your weekend like?
CUSTOMER 2: I'm going to this big arts festival in Vancouver.
BARISTA: Awesome. There's your change. (then to me) Tall drip, that's a dollar fifty three. What are you doing this weekend.
ME: Tri-state killing spree.
BARISTA: Ha. Okay.

Actually it's not technically a killing spree. Technically it's a Federal Way High School class reunion.

How Is Your Book Going?

My friends, my book is gone. I think so, anyway. Today I put it all in an envelope and sent it off to New York after spending the last couple of weeks combing through it for typos (and finding plenty). Meanwhile, a real professional proofreader is doing the same. I also changed a chapter subtitle that made no sense and demanded (well, okay, requested) numbers for the footnotes instead of asterisks.

I believe that this was the last I get to monkey with it until it's published. Not that I really understand the process completely.

Then I went and bought a Hershey bar. Not sure why. Tomorrow I go to my high school reunion.

Available for pre-order.

Oh, and there's another Pop-Song Correspondence up at McSweeney's.

Also, the organization named 826 Seattle is worth supporting for many reasons (they teach kids to write being the hugest). But one of the lesser-known and crucial reasons is this: I dropped by today to pick up my tickets to this huge Bumbershoot thing they're doing (Eggers, Vowell, Hodgman, Merritt, Coulton, Snicket) and the lady working there says, "Okay, you've got two tickets..." and trails off a bit.

"To paradise?" I asked.

And without missing a beat, she says "Pack your bags! You leave tonight!"

They know kids, they know writing, and they know Eddie Money.

Friendship

You know how when you read a certain book or listen to a certain record, you just get it so much that you feel like the author or musician could be your friend? Like you just totally connect with it and if circumstances were different you could be pals and meet them for breakfast from time to time or have them over for barbecue or go to a ball game and stuff? That's how it is with some people I interview at some radio station where I work. I'll interview them, we'll get along great, we'll have something in common even, and I just want them to become friends with me.

But you can't really say, "Hey, wanna be friends?" as they walk to the lobby after the interview. Because that's weird. And maybe they actually really would want to be friends but it's just not the time or place or method for that to happen. But then it doesn't end up happening. They walk out the door, out of your life, and the world gets no warmer.

Best Birthday Ever

Gift from Charlie (Age 5)



Gift for Charlie (Age 5) from himself



I opened it, thanked him profusely, and put mine on. I was also wearing jeans and socks and shoes (no sandals, it was a work day). Charlie sprints out of the room with his shirt, comes back in wearing shirt, jeans shorts (that he put on backwards out of sheer excitement), and socks and shoes. I dropped him off at preschool that day. Never have I been so proud to walk side by side with my son.

How Is Your Book Going?

Glad you asked! So I have a stack of 310 pieces of paper on my desk right now. 310 type set pages. My task is to go through them and catch factual errors and typos while another proofreader does the same. Then I correct them in colored pencil (did I mention publishing doesn't like doing things electronically? They are turning it into a physical book, I guess). Then I send it back by 7/13. Then I have no more control of the book what. so. ever. Done. Sealed. Final. I lay back and get ready for publicity.

I gotta say that seeing it in type set form makes it all seem more real. I loves me the Times New Roman 12-point on the Mac, don't get me wrong, but now it seems much more like A Book than it ever has. Freaks me out. Exciting.

Publicity plans seem to include a book conference in Portland, another one in Austin, then touring to Boston, DC, Milwaukee(!), Minneapolis, SF, Portland, and back to Seattle. Also, a launch party/interview thing on 10/4 (good buddy) in Seattle and a speaking thing here maybe at Town Hall. And bookstores here. And hopefully some national media out of NYC or LA.

Final subtitle is also decided: How I Tried to be a Righty With the Help of Richard Nixon, Sean Hannity, Toby Keith, and Beef Jerky.

And it's available for pre-order!

Oh, I'm Sure You've Seen This By Now...

But just in case, Ted Stevens is a United States Senator from the state of Alaska. He's got some ideas on how the internet works. And don't go thinking it's a truck. It's not a truck.

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck.

It's a series of tubes.

Read more!

Oh, Did I Mention Bumbershoot?

I'll be performing at Bumbershoot this year on Labor Day. It's a live version of the Pop-Song Correspondences column I've been writing on McSweeney's for a while now. Not sure what time of day but it will be on Labor Day. Come see it! If you want! Kanye West is also performing, but not with me. Charlie's favorite band A Tribe Called Quest, too.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Spiritual Matters

HIM: Dad, do you want me to tell you about your soul?
ME: My soul?
HIM: Yeah, I can tell you what your soul is like.
ME: Well, yeah. Go ahead.
HIM: Bing bang! Doo-doo-doo-doo! Blah blah! Bathroom toilet! Bing bong bing bong! Beep beep beep! Poopie on your head! Dee-dee-dee! Ting tong beep boop! That's your soul!
ME: Wow! Really?
HIM: No, I'm just kidding. That's not really your soul.
ME: Oh good. Wow.
HIM: Yes it is! PEE!

David Cross

I interviewed him today at some radio station where I work. Nice fella.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About, well, uh, Religion (?)



(for this to make sense you must know that Zordon, pictured here, is the disembodied leader of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, whom Charlie loves)

HIM: Dad, you know the potato guy?
ME: Zordon, you mean?
HIM: Yeah. Zordon. Well, he made this dragon monster in one episode I saw. And why would Zordon make a monster that could kill the Power Rangers when he's a friend of the Power Rangers?
ME: You mean why would a kind and loving Zordon allow evil dragons to exist in the Power Rangers universe?
HIM: Yeah.
ME: That's a hard one. People have wondered that for a long time. I guess it's a way of letting the Power Rangers know that the struggle against dragons is a daily one and that there will always be supervillains out to get you. So you need to be good whenever and however you can.
HIM: Yeah. It just seems wrong that he would make a dragon.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Love

(we're driving in the car and listening to the Cake Song "Short Skirt/Long Jacket")

HIM: What kind of girl does he want?
ME: One with a short skirt and a long jacket. One who's sharp as a tack, one who tours the facilities and picks up slack. One who changes her name from Kitty to Karen.
HIM: But what does that mean?
ME: Like a girl who's really serious and is very focused and who concentrates on things.
HIM: Oh. (30 second pause) Well, finding a girl like that is going to be tricky.

Centipede Eats Bat!

Musings on the meaning of friendship offered on NPR

I had a commentary on All Things Considered yesterday all about the relativity of friendship in a MySpace world and how our band, the most important rock band in the world, is now friends with the Dixie Chicks, Elvis Costello, and Willie Nelson. Hear it here.

We Like You, John, But Where Do We Go To Read Essentially Meaningless Quotes By You?

Well, this blog for one.

Or here.

What Would You Ask Douglas Coupland?

I'm interviewing him tonight on stage at something called the Seesound Lounge which is apparently in Seattle. That's provided I find it, of course.

Perhaps this is becoming a series.

Update: The interview was last night. No radio, unfortunately. It was a great time and he was a swell fellow. The club had only one microphone so we had to pass it back and forth, Beastie Boys style. Talked about how we're now in the golden innocent age of Google, the Texaco Star Theater era, and how it's just going to get so much darker from here. Coupland kept getting feedback on the mic while I never did, which is curious because it's the same mic.

Well, this will haunt you...

Be forewarned, the Japanese are getting in shape and learning defensive, vaguely hostile rebuttals in English.



"It's your fault that this happened" is my favorite.

via Boing Boing

What Would You Ask Mark Mothersbaugh?

As you may know, I work at some public radio station. On Friday, I'm interviewing Mr. Devo, Mr. Film Scores From All Wes Anderson Movies, Mark Mothersbaugh. I have some ideas what to ask him but thought I'd throw it out there to y'all as well.

Generally in interviews, you pick a focus question and then build it around that. The focus won't be the flower pot hats but that will come up. What else?

How Is Your Book Going?

Thanks for asking. Well, there's lots to say. I'll try not to make it tedious.

1. Last week, I went to the post office with a large heavy pile of papers. It was the copyedited version of the book that had been gone through with colored pencil by a copy editor who was savvy enough to notice that apparently I've been mixing up "each other" and "one another" forever because I got it wrong every time. Anyway, then I had to go through the copy editor's notes and make corrections of my own in a different color of pencil and then mail the stack of 310 pages back to them. By mail. There is nothing electronic left in the process. So for $25 I express mailed it all back to NYC where it will now be turned into a "galley", the almost final version that is mailed to reviewers, blurbers, bookstores, and hopefully me. Then I get one last chance to tinker before it becomes a book.

2. I think the book might be very good. Or crap. But I feel better about the former than ever before.

3. Part of it might be appearing in a national publication but I don't know fer sure yet.

4. There will apparently be a website where I have been asked to blog. Not sure if it will be a permanent site where I'll migrate all this or if I'll double blog for a while. Will let you know.

5. We don't know what the cover is to look like. We think we know the subtitle but there may yet be tinkering.

6. I got to write the acknowledgements recently. An amazingly gratifying experience, actually.

7. It's available for pre-order on what is, for the moment, a very lackluster Amazon page.

It Doesn't Make Sense...

but it's a scene from Lord of the Rings with all the dialogue replaced by moronic groans and moanings. And you will laugh.



via Boing Boing

A Debate with Charlie (Age 5) About Monsters

HIM: Dad, which island had the crazier monsters? King Kong's island or Godzilla's island?
ME: I don't think Godzilla had an island. Didn't he live under the sea?
HIM: I'm pretty sure he had an island. I saw it at my friend's house. So who had crazier monsters?
ME: Well, I think King Kong. I mean, giant apes and t-rex on the same island? Can't get much crazier than that.
HIM: I think it's Godzilla. He has serpents. They're bigger than snakes and they breathe fire. That's the craziest.
ME: Crazier than t-rex?
HIM: They live in the water and they breathe fire, Dad. That is CRAZY!

I Love Charlie (Age 5) Anyway

HIM: Dad, we played Star Wars today at school. (A) was Princess Leia!
ME: Cool. Did you play?
HIM: Yeah! And (B) was Luke because he says he's always Luke.
ME: Oh. Who was Darth Vader?
HIM: (C) was.
ME: And so what were you?
HIM: I was Jar-Jar Binks!

Because Maybe You Do Want to Know What I Thought of Raymond Carver in College

So the brilliant Kevin Guilfoile has managed to be a successful humor writer and thriller novelist. I like to think that if I pitched away this whole Seattle thing and moved to Chicago, he'd be my friend. He invited me to be part of this cool Field Tested Books series where writers talk about books read in specific places and how place has an impact on the book. Some of my other fave-rave authors are there too. Here's what I wrote.

It's about what we talk about when we talk about What We Talk About When We Talk About Love.

Are You Happy Enough? No? Here:

Jam On It

Oh There Will Be Rocking Tonight In Seattle

courtesy of the most important rock band in the world...

Action Boys

The largest thing in the life of Charlie (Age 5) right now is superheroes. Their history, morality, occupations, secret identity, it's all very important and must be discussed pretty much all the time. Spiderman, Superman, the Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles, Batman, all the big ones. But then a few weeks ago, Charlie mentioned how he and the other boys at his preschool like to be Action Boys. Turns out Action Boys are a squadron of superheroes based at the school who more or less spend their life battling the five-year-old girls in their class. Their preferred method for such battles? "We scream and run away from them!" reports Charlie.

Seems simple enough. But the other day, I overheard Charlie in casual conversation with a friend at school:

FRIEND: Yeah, I saw Action Boys on TV yesterday.
CHARLIE: Oh, which one was it?
FRIEND: It was when Action Boys battled the wolf monster. Like a really big wolf monster guy.
CHARLIE: Was I in that one?
FRIEND: I can't remember. Which one are you?
CHARLIE: I'm the red one. I'm the most powerfulest one.
FRIEND: Well, I know I was in it. I'm the turquoise Action Boy. I don't know if you were in it.
CHARLIE: I think so. I think I was in that one.
HIM: I think I'm the most powerfulest one.
CHARLIE: No, I think you're the fastest. The turquoise one is the fastest.
HIM: Oh.
CHARLIE: Was that episode three you saw?
HIM: Yes.

Turns out there are twelve episodes of Action Boys. And, of course, no there aren't. Charlie and his friends have imagined not just superhero pretend-play indentities, but ones that are fully licensed, serialized, and episodic. And dedicated to the cause of fighting girls by running from them while screaming.

ACTION BOYS!

I totally want a t-shirt. Can someone design a logo?

Update!: Someone did! A big shout out to the Kansas City Roller Warriors!

In Compliance with the Federal Self-Promotion Act of 2006

I now have a MySpace page dedicated to the cause of hyping myself to become more famouser and sell books that don't technically exist yet.

I Wonder If This Will Work

Technorati has a constantly updated list of most searched on terms. What if I worked them all into a few sentences?

Lordi! Jesse Macbeth and John Tierney bought a new Macbook? They must have been intrigued by the part in the DaVinci Code where Al Gore Pulls His Punches, and injures Barbaro. But has Jessie Macbeth seen the Dixie Chicks page on MySpace? Regardless, I hope that Madonna can defeat Jack Bauer, who as we all know is fond of driving his Opel while creating a Podcast update on Vista Beta 2. I guess unless we hear from Taylor Hicks and/or Katharine McPhee, we'll never know for sure. (those last two aren't on the list yet but I think it's a safe bet).

I'm Not Actually Dead

Just blogging like it.

Kate (Age 3) was playing with a fuzzy pen I got her.
ME: Do you know where I got that?
HER: Yeah! Ballet!
ME: What? Ballet?
HER: You went to ballet!
ME: No no. I went to L.A.
HER: L.A.?
ME: Yeah, there's a big difference, actually. I don't think I would have gone to ballet for five days.

But I did go to L.A. for five days, filling in hosting on Weekend America. You can hear the show here. Highlights of the week included meeting the creators of the most awesomest pilot in the world, Heat Vision and Jack. And also unleashing Kate (Age 3) and Charlie (Age 5) upon the world, along with some of their classmates and teachers. They put me up at the semi-swanky Bonaventure Hotel in downtown Ballet. It's big and circular and seen in tons of movies, notable True Lies. In the evenings, I sat around and watched cable TV. In the day I made radio.

A Troubling Realization

So I was at the circus school last night with Charlie (Age 5), he takes a rudimentary acrobatics/jumping around class there in preparation for his future career as an itinerant entertainer (or, failing that, carny). And I noticed they had a big butcher paper sign with a thermometer that represented their fundraising efforts being slowly colored in. I realized that I see these signs Everywhere. I. Go.

Almost all of the major institutions in my life involve fundraising:

* Circus school
* the preschool both kids go to
* the YMCA where I exercise and the kids take classes
* public radio where I work
* and, when you think about it, my home since aren't we all fundraisers for ourselves?

I tell you, if Starbucks or Safeway starts holding pledge drives, there will be nothing left.

It makes me wonder if I should be doing something more lucrative with my life.

How Is Your Book Going?

Haven't written one of these in a while, have I? Probably because every time someone asked me in real life I just shook my head and muttered something and then ran away.

It
Was
Hard
Writing
A
Book.

But after struggling through some wonderful edits by my wonderful editor over the last few months, I managed to cut down the manuscript from 122k words to about 89k. Sections of reading Hannity books at bauhaus coffee in Seattle, watching a lot of Fox News, and visiting the Quayle museum in Indiana were all cut. Other parts were cut down. There's a lot less reflection than there used to be. More action. And a completely re-written last chapter.

Along the way, the jokes I wrote way last summer had long ceased to be entertaining. Were they still funny? I had no idea. Did the chapters fit together? Guess so. Was it well written? Uh...maybe.

Fortunately, Beloved Editor seems to like it just fine and he's a bigshot New York editor. It's off to copyediting, then galleys, then book. I'm apparently going to Washington, Boston, New York, LA, San Francisco, and Portland on the tour. Nowhere in the middle of the country, evidently.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Superheroes

HIM: So in Batman is The Joker a funny guy?
ME: Not really, no. He's mean.
HIM: But he makes jokes!
ME: Yeah, but he's not really funny.
HIM: Well, what kind of jokes does he make? What kind of jokes aren't funny?
ME: Maybe ones that make fun of people.
HIM: Or boring ones! Maybe he makes boring jokes! Like, knock knock.
ME: Who's there?
HIM: Oh (long pause) ...work...
ME: That's the joke?
HIM: Yeah. Maybe The Joker makes jokes like that.
ME: So he's got a super power of making really boring jokes that aren't funny?
HIM: Yeah, I think so.

Nope

There is no worse song than Styx' Grand Illusion. I checked. Not even Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves.

A Food Product Idea from Charlie (Age 5)

"You know what would make meat interesting? If you shaped it in the shape of the animal that it came from. So you'd have hamburgers in the shape of a cow and hot dogs shaped like a pig. Chicken shaped like a chicken. I think that would make meat cool."

If I May Talk Sports For a Moment...

Isaiah Thomas is a highly recruited high school point guard from Tacoma (and of course shares a name with The Worst GM Ever). He announced yesterday that he'll go to Washington and so there was an article in today's paper.

But hidden in the article is this:
"He was named Isaiah because his father, James, a Boeing jet final assembly inspector who stands just 5-7, lost a bet during a Lakers-Pistons NBA finals, and the player's mother, Bettina Baltrip, wanted something biblical."

Lost a bet! Dude's life is defined by James's gambling ineptitude! Will this news encourage more nomenclature-based wagering? Nine months from now will we see kids named Zydrunas Ilgauskas Johnson? Or Andres Nocioni McGee?

A Song Idly Sung by Kate (Age 3) When She Thought No One Was Listening That Reflects the Musical Influence and Frequent Lyrical Themes of Her Brother (Age 5)

Twinkle twinkle little poop
How I wonder why you poop
Up above the world so poop
Like a diamond in the poop
How I wonder where you poop
How I wonder why you poop

Matthew Baldwin will make you weep

With this poignant post about the old Farrell's ice cream/embarrassment parlors. But the good news is the founder of Farrell's is now a motivational speaker and purveyor of the most awesomest website ever in the history of ever.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Superheroes

HIM: Superman, Batman, Spiderman, Power Rangers, Jesus, Underdog, Ninja Turtles, Ninjas. How many superheroes are there?
ME: There are lots.
HIM: Where do they come from?
ME: Mostly, people just make them up.
HIM: Can we make them up?
ME: Of course we can. What superhero should we make up?
HIM: Uh...how about...Super Building!
ME: And what would he do?
HIM: He'd have a flag on top. And he would get the bad guys to go inside him and then TRAP them inside.
ME: Super Building. And would he walk and talk.
HIM: Yeah. One time at school, me and the boys were superheroes. We were called Action Boys and we fought the girls.
ME: Action Boys. Who thought that up?
HIM: Oh, me.
ME: Could Super Building and Action Boys team up to be superheroes together?
HIM: Hmm. Maybe. I'm not sure.

Two Stories by Charlie (Age 5)

Despite a documented denouncement of imagination, my boy has been branching into fiction.

1.
Once there was a giant duck with sharp teeth and he was as big as the whole world. And he ate all the trees and the houses and he kept eating and he ate the world. Then he ate all the other planets and he ate the sun. Then he ate all the stars and they made new planets and he ate all those too. Then he traveled back in time and ate all the dinosaurs and everything. Then he spit it back out again and everything was okay.

2.
Once there was a giant ferocious squid. And he was as big, bigger than the tallest tree. And he ate a whale and ate all the plankton and ate everything. And he ate a piece of whale poop that was bigger than the whole world! And then he ate the world and the sun and all the planets. He ate everything. And then he died! Aaaaaaand then he turned into a robot.
(ME: Whoa! I did not see that ending with the robot coming!)
Yeah. I know. It makes it more exciting.

A Conundrum

My routine for writing this whole damn book has often involved the West Seattle Uptown Espresso, The Postal Service's album on the iTunes, and writing a book. I wear headphones because the barista usually only plays old Stevie Wonder or Beastie Boys. But today, as I edit at same coffeeshop, the barist is playing The Postal Service. So what do I do? I'm telling myself that I'll just listen w/o headphones since it's the same music. But I know within minutes I'll have those headphones on again. Book's going okay. The cover and subtitle were locked in place a few weeks ago and now they're both in flux once again.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Sympathetic Characters

HIM: Dad, is Godzilla a bad guy?
ME: Well, I don't know. I think he's neither bad nor good. He's just a lizard monster.
HIM: I don't think he's bad. I saw a Godzilla at my friend's house and he was fighting this giant fish. And I don't think he's bad.
ME: Okay.
HIM: You know what I think?
ME: What?
HIM: I think he's misunderstood. Godzilla is misunderstood, Dad.

For Some Business Reasons

I must point out that I do some writing work that I have been paid for. Sometimes people hire me to write things. It's a fact.

The Impossible Questions of Charlie (Age 5)

1. "How big are the tooth fairy's claws?"
2. "What was the name of the first guy?"
3. "What's bigger than the world's biggest toilet?"
4. "What was Bush's littlest, tiniest mistake?"

I Think I Better Quit Radio and Book Writing

And go work in videogames. Because nothing is cooler than this and this is the future. It's a video of Spore, the new game from Will Wright who made The Sims.

You May Wish to Avoid Charlie (Age 5) on April 1st

HIM: You know what would be a funny April Fool's?
ME: What?
HIM: If you shot someone with a gun that didn't kill them but made them fall asleep!
ME: What? That's horrible!
HIM: Well, it wouldn't kill them. They would just get shot and then --OOH!-- fall asleep.
ME: But they would think they were dying as they fell asleep. And then they would wake up and be really confused.
HIM: Yeah! It would be so funny! And you'd yell "April Fool's!"

MySpace

Our rocky roll band, Chicken Starship, the most important band in the world, has a MySpace page. I still don't, like, get the whole MySpace thing. But I've been having fun with the feature where you invite people to be your friends who aren't really your friends. And my favorite part is the sentence that today's invitations has generated:

"Currently awaiting approval from Motorhead"

Am I ever. Explains a lot of issues in my life, actually.

Update: Elvis Costello, Willie Nelson, Lucinda Williams, Tift Merritt, Franz Ferdinand, and Clap Your Hands Say Yeah have all signed on as "friends". It's odd, the more famous friends we get, the more I feel like a big loser.

My Own Version of Crash

I was in Los Angeles last week, hosting a radio show down there. Had a lovely time. Thanks for asking. For lunch, I sometimes went to a little cafe in the building. One of those featureless lunch places found in office parks. I ordered the California Club sandwich, figuring since I was in California I might as well. The guy working there kept glaring at me while he made the sandwich. I wondered what I had done wrong. I will point out here that he was of a different ethnicity, which is something I thought of only because I had recently seen Crash and while I hated it I wondered if that's what LA was really like. So anyway, back to the sandwich. Finally, he handed it to me.

HIM: There was no bacon. We're out.
ME: Oh. Okay.
HIM: So I put some extra turkey on there. And guacamole. You understand?
ME: Yes. Yes, I think so.
HIM: So now we're even. Okay?
ME: We're even?
HIM: We're even.
ME: Okay.

I guess if you're in the cop business or the gang business or the movie business, they make an epic film of your conflicts. But if you're in food service or public radio, you're left to make your own drama out of a club sandwich and the sense of uneasy justice arrived at through bacon substitution. I'm glad we're even.

Dropping Like a Stone

For a day or so, the book was at #138,000 or something. Today, back down to the 400's. I have hope there might be an uptick in seven months when it's released seven months from now and gathers publicity. But if not, it was a wild ride!

Sorry for the low output of posting

Full refunds for all. I've been in Los Angeles, hosting Weekend America for a week. And a weekend.

Further Proof That I Am Not Making "This Book Thing" Up

It's now on Amazon. It's even in CD form.

I'm Not Sure You Know About Jonathan Coulton

You probably do. But in case you don't, find out. For crying out loud, find out.

Here are his songs that you can listen to or buy.
Skullcrusher Mountain, Baby Got Back, W's Duty, The Town Crotch, and Chiron Beta Prime are among my favorites.

Jokes Written by Charlie (Age 5) That Indicate Either a Lack of Understanding About What Jokes Are, or an Absolute Mastery of the Medium

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja I'm fighting crime I'm gonna fight the computer for lunch

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja that sword in the computer is not a sword it's a paintbrush

Knock knock
Who's there?
Pooh
Pooh who?
Knock knock. That was just the last part of the joke.

What do you get when you cross a woolly mammoth with a saber tooth tiger?
Woolly bite.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja I'm in the picture--dah!--I'm gonna fight the crime in the picture

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Meow.

What do you get when you cross a woolly mammoth with a sloth and a
saber tooth tiger
Woolly lazy, lazy, lazy woolly bone bites.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja that's a big robot why do I have such a hard shell ow!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja would you like half of my sloth burger?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Ninja would you like half of my ninja burger?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja
Ninja who?
Gotta go, I gotta fight the robot in the crime city.

Where do you get food from the ice age?
In a question store. And that's where you buy questions.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
I'm gonna charge through your door cause I'm a triceratops.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
Chomp

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur
Dinosaur who?
I'm an ankylosaurus and I'm with a triceratops.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Question.
Question who?
Would you like half of my question burger?

A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5) Wherein He Shatters the Myth

HIM: Dad, imagination is boring.
ME: What? It is?
HIM: Yeah. Imagining things. That's boring!
ME: Why do you say that?
HIM: Because you don't get to do anything. You don't go anywhere. You don't do anything. You just sit there and think.
ME: What's better than imagining things?
HIM: Doing stuff! Doing stuff is cool! Imagination is SO BORING!
ME: Well. Okay. You have a pretty good point there.

A Bargain

I was at a Walgreen's drug store yesterday and the elderly cashier was wearing a button that said "A FREE DISPOSABLE CAMERA if I forget to tell you about our daily special". She didn't tell me about the daily special. But I didn't ask for the camera. True, that would have been a prize. But I chose a different prize: avoidance of an awkward situation. And that was a prize for both the cashier and me.

A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5)

ME: If you had a whole day to do whatever you wanted, anything in the world, what would you do?
HIM: (thinks for a while) Yell.
ME: Yell?
HIM: Yeah. I'd yell a lot.
ME: I mean whatever you wanted. You could go anywhere you want, do anything, whatever you want.
HIM: I know.
ME: Yell?
HIM: Yeah. I really like yelling.
ME: Would there be anything else you would do besides the yelling? I can't imagine it would take the whole day.
HIM: I would be quiet too. I'd yell and then be quiet and then yell.
ME: Sounds fun.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) In Which He Recognizes Reality

the family was in the playroom in that post-dinner, pre-bedtime period when Charlie had an idea for the family to play a game that's popular in his preschool class of 20 or so children

HIM: Let's play Who's Missing!
ME: How do you play?
HIM: Everyone puts their head down and closes their eyes. Then I tap one person and they have to go hide. And then everyone has to figure out who's missing.
(everyone looks around the room, realizing that there are only four of us and we all look pretty dramatically different from one another)
ME: Okay. Let's give it a try.
HIM: Hmm. It probably won't be as exciting as it is at school. But let's do it!

Why There Are Blogs

Lakers coach Phil Jackson complains about Mavericks owner Mark Cuban to the press. Cuban puts up post on his blog titled "I Own Phil Jackson". Because he does. And he says it. I'm a Mavericks fan now. Even more because they dumped Michael Finley and because Avery Johnson gave me some great quotes for a story once.

Famous People It's Okay To Like

As part of my work at some radio station, I sometimes come across people who are, to varying degrees, famous. Maybe I interview them, maybe they just pass through the green room. And sometimes one is nervous to meet famous people because you might enjoy their work but what if they're jerks? Here are some nice famous people (note: there are other nice famous people I've met who are not on this list so if you've heard me talk to someone on the radio and they're not here, it just means I'm forgetful and not thorough)

David Sedaris
Jamie Moyer
Jeff Tweedy
Slick Watts
Bonnie Dunbar
John Flansburgh
Krist Novoselic