A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5) About...Something
ME: Who are you hanging out with at preschool these days? Who are your friends?
HIM: Well, mostly (x).
ME: (x)? What about (y)? You and (y) were so close.
HIM: Yeah, but mostly I like (x) now. It's good to get new friends and stop being with other friends, right?
ME: Well, I think it's good to make new friends and keep old friends.
HIM: Okay. Do you want three eyes?
ME: Huh? Three eyes?
HIM: I want four. No. A hundred. I want a HUNDRED EYES!
(an hour later, at bedtime)
ME: Hey Charlie, pretty soon it will be spring.
HIM: And then what will we do?
ME: Lots of things. We'll go to the garden store and get a big bag of...
HIM: Flowers?
ME: Ladybugs.
HIM: Ladybugs! WOW! That's so exciting we'll throw up our brains!
ME: Throw up our brains?
HIM: Yeah!
ME: Why would we do that?
HIM: That's what you do when something is REALLY exciting!
ME: Okay. Spring will come, we'll get ladybugs, then we'll throw up our brains.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Thursday, February 02, 2006
The Sea Birds Are In The Tremendous Bowl!
I have a commentary thingy on All Things Considered today, with guest vocals from Andy Jensen, Tina Kunz, Matthew Baldwin, and Steve Alliston.
I have a commentary thingy on All Things Considered today, with guest vocals from Andy Jensen, Tina Kunz, Matthew Baldwin, and Steve Alliston.
LAST MINUTE CHANGES TO THE MANUSCRIPT OF MY MEMOIR BEFORE IT GOES TO PRESS, MADE IN LIGHT OF RECENT EVENTS
Page 14 Omit mention of my being the child of 75 whores who birthed me simultaneously using voodoo. Insert, "Mom was a registered nurse and Dad was a freight truck dispatcher."
Page 49 As I cannot recollect precisely how many high school classmates I ensnared in bear traps and being as police records are at best inconclusive, leave out entire passage.
Page 74 through end of chapter Omit all that business about Hal Linden and the roofies and the Satanic cult. Evidence points to this being imagined from a particularly compelling piece of Barney Miller fan fiction that I wrote.
Page 102 Omit being drafted by the Chicago Bears in the third round of 1994 NFL draft. Some say it was me, some say Jim Flanagan, a defensive tackle out of Notre Dame. I don’t want to hold up the printing process by taking the time to verify it.
Page 140 Replace the word "founded" with "adored" in discussion of The Bangles.
Chapter 8 Cut entire chapter with all that business about being on death row for murdering unicorns. It was harrowing and really did shape who I was but book might be more streamlined without it.
Page 171 Omit "Battle of the Bands" guitar solo showdown with Hal Linden.
Page 216 It has come to my attention that it is neither physically nor logistically possible to "strangle Kansas". So I guess I have no argument as to how it happened. Also, might hurt sales in Kansas and parts of Missouri.
Page 217 Same thing with "strangle Peru". To be safe, just cut it.
Page 239 Omit mention of marriages to Gregg Allman and Mitzi Gaynor. Paperwork for these was never processed and I’ve been getting some phone calls.
Page 260 through 344 (end) Omit all discussion of "lessons learned" and "wisdom gained". Replace with hard-core pornography. Ideally, the pornography would involve Hal Linden.
Page 14 Omit mention of my being the child of 75 whores who birthed me simultaneously using voodoo. Insert, "Mom was a registered nurse and Dad was a freight truck dispatcher."
Page 49 As I cannot recollect precisely how many high school classmates I ensnared in bear traps and being as police records are at best inconclusive, leave out entire passage.
Page 74 through end of chapter Omit all that business about Hal Linden and the roofies and the Satanic cult. Evidence points to this being imagined from a particularly compelling piece of Barney Miller fan fiction that I wrote.
Page 102 Omit being drafted by the Chicago Bears in the third round of 1994 NFL draft. Some say it was me, some say Jim Flanagan, a defensive tackle out of Notre Dame. I don’t want to hold up the printing process by taking the time to verify it.
Page 140 Replace the word "founded" with "adored" in discussion of The Bangles.
Chapter 8 Cut entire chapter with all that business about being on death row for murdering unicorns. It was harrowing and really did shape who I was but book might be more streamlined without it.
Page 171 Omit "Battle of the Bands" guitar solo showdown with Hal Linden.
Page 216 It has come to my attention that it is neither physically nor logistically possible to "strangle Kansas". So I guess I have no argument as to how it happened. Also, might hurt sales in Kansas and parts of Missouri.
Page 217 Same thing with "strangle Peru". To be safe, just cut it.
Page 239 Omit mention of marriages to Gregg Allman and Mitzi Gaynor. Paperwork for these was never processed and I’ve been getting some phone calls.
Page 260 through 344 (end) Omit all discussion of "lessons learned" and "wisdom gained". Replace with hard-core pornography. Ideally, the pornography would involve Hal Linden.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Turns Out You Don't Have To Be Quite Published To Be An Expert On Books
I'm in today's New York Daily News talking about the trend of books where people go do crazy things and then write about them. This is because I have written a book where I do crazy things. I have written about them.
The me part:
So what's the lure of the contrived life?
"I've read a lot of traditional memoirs by people in their 20s, and so much is like ordinary life," says Seattle writer John Moe, who just finished writing "Conservatize Me," to be published this fall by William Morrow. In a variation on the fast-food documentary "Supersize Me," Moe spent last summer in a blue wool suit ingesting nothing but red-state culture.
"These books represent a possibilityof life, and that's what's so intriguing," he says. "It's not the life you would originally lead, but the life you can imagine."
I'm in today's New York Daily News talking about the trend of books where people go do crazy things and then write about them. This is because I have written a book where I do crazy things. I have written about them.
The me part:
So what's the lure of the contrived life?
"I've read a lot of traditional memoirs by people in their 20s, and so much is like ordinary life," says Seattle writer John Moe, who just finished writing "Conservatize Me," to be published this fall by William Morrow. In a variation on the fast-food documentary "Supersize Me," Moe spent last summer in a blue wool suit ingesting nothing but red-state culture.
"These books represent a possibilityof life, and that's what's so intriguing," he says. "It's not the life you would originally lead, but the life you can imagine."
Friday, January 27, 2006
I Thought I Was Just In The Seattle Post-Intelligencer...
but now the story is in MSNBC as well. A look at how unenthused Seattle fans seem to be about this whole Super Bowl Extra Large thing. And yeah, the Seattle paper (one of them) is really named the Post-Intelligencer.
My part:
Even sports fans not typically given to the cosmic are struggling to come up with reasons for Seattle's pleased but restrained response. John Moe, a radio talk show host and lifelong Hawks fan, blames disharmony in the stars. He devoted his Monday night show on KUOW-FM to a metaphysical exploration of the question, "Do Sports Matter?"
"We are in a tumultuous universe now -- a world that no longer makes sense -- because if you're a Seahawks fan, you don't understand this territory," he said in an interview.
"In Seattle, sports seasons don't end this way. They end in disappointment. So it's kind of like falling off a ladder and suddenly being able to fly.
"Also, I'm Scandinavian, and we tend to see joy as a postponement of sorrow."
but now the story is in MSNBC as well. A look at how unenthused Seattle fans seem to be about this whole Super Bowl Extra Large thing. And yeah, the Seattle paper (one of them) is really named the Post-Intelligencer.
My part:
Even sports fans not typically given to the cosmic are struggling to come up with reasons for Seattle's pleased but restrained response. John Moe, a radio talk show host and lifelong Hawks fan, blames disharmony in the stars. He devoted his Monday night show on KUOW-FM to a metaphysical exploration of the question, "Do Sports Matter?"
"We are in a tumultuous universe now -- a world that no longer makes sense -- because if you're a Seahawks fan, you don't understand this territory," he said in an interview.
"In Seattle, sports seasons don't end this way. They end in disappointment. So it's kind of like falling off a ladder and suddenly being able to fly.
"Also, I'm Scandinavian, and we tend to see joy as a postponement of sorrow."
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Or Maybe It Has Something To Do With Tipper's Husband...
On a bus billboard this morning, I saw a url listed for goredforwomen.org. It seemed to be a charity thing but for the life of me I could not figure out why being gored could possibly help women. Was this a bullfighting thing? That was just a guess but then again the women in the picture were all wearing red, like a matador's cape. Then I pieced it together. Go Red For Women. Oh. Okay. Heart disease or something.
I choose to blame the American Heart Association for the confusion and not my faulty brain.
On a bus billboard this morning, I saw a url listed for goredforwomen.org. It seemed to be a charity thing but for the life of me I could not figure out why being gored could possibly help women. Was this a bullfighting thing? That was just a guess but then again the women in the picture were all wearing red, like a matador's cape. Then I pieced it together. Go Red For Women. Oh. Okay. Heart disease or something.
I choose to blame the American Heart Association for the confusion and not my faulty brain.
Friday, January 20, 2006
A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5) That Illustrates The Ubiquity Of A Popular Short Film
HIM: Dad, what does "ghost like Swayze" mean?
ME: Okay. There was this movie called Ghost and an actor in it named Patrick Swayze.
HIM: Is he a CRAZY SWAYZE?!
ME: Well, sort of. Yeah, I guess. And he played a guy who died and then came back as a ghost to visit people.
HIM: To scare them?
ME: No to be really nice to them. Help them with pottery, that kind of thing. So when you say "ghost like Swayze", you mean that you're leaving. That soon you will not be there anymore.
HIM: Ghost like Swayze!
ME: You want me to explain "I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling"?
HIM: No.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Please Be Very Careful...
When watching the never-changing facial expression of Paris Hilton.
And also that of Lindsay Lohan.
(thanks to Kottke!)
When watching the never-changing facial expression of Paris Hilton.
And also that of Lindsay Lohan.
(thanks to Kottke!)
Where I Work
Seattle's University District can easily make one feel untethered from reality. The median age on The Ave, the main thoroughfare and location of some radio station where I work, is about 19 years old and it's a heady blend of fraternity and sorority folks, street kids, rich kids acting like street kids, toothless hoboes, and people running bubble tea establishments.
So yesterday when I saw a pigeon eating an entire container of spilled and melted Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream, I just figured, Well whatever okay.
Seattle's University District can easily make one feel untethered from reality. The median age on The Ave, the main thoroughfare and location of some radio station where I work, is about 19 years old and it's a heady blend of fraternity and sorority folks, street kids, rich kids acting like street kids, toothless hoboes, and people running bubble tea establishments.
So yesterday when I saw a pigeon eating an entire container of spilled and melted Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream, I just figured, Well whatever okay.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5) That Illustrates A Fundamental Reason For Having Or At Least Hanging Out With Children
(we start each day by looking at the weather forecast by KOMO-TV weather guy Steve Pool in the local paper)
HIM: What does Steve Pool have to say today?
ME: Ach! Cloudy and rainy! Again!
HIM: What's wrong?
ME: Oh, it's just been so rainy lately. And it's going to just keep raining. And I want some sunny days here.
HIM: But Dad, it's okay. Maybe there are just a lot of flowers that need to grow. Think of the flowers, Dad.
ME: Oh. Okay.
HIM: If the weather isn't what you want, don't worry, it will change one day and be the weather you want.
ME: Okay, Charlie. Thank you.
(we start each day by looking at the weather forecast by KOMO-TV weather guy Steve Pool in the local paper)
HIM: What does Steve Pool have to say today?
ME: Ach! Cloudy and rainy! Again!
HIM: What's wrong?
ME: Oh, it's just been so rainy lately. And it's going to just keep raining. And I want some sunny days here.
HIM: But Dad, it's okay. Maybe there are just a lot of flowers that need to grow. Think of the flowers, Dad.
ME: Oh. Okay.
HIM: If the weather isn't what you want, don't worry, it will change one day and be the weather you want.
ME: Okay, Charlie. Thank you.
On the presence of friendship
So this wonderful article came out a while ago about some people in our lives who have made a difference in the world. And it talked about Kate (Age 3) and featured a picture of Kate with her dear friend Abbey, who was also born with dwarfism. We've received wonderful messages from most people (the Petco employee who cried was a favorite). But the weirdest and most asinine comment came from someone we barely know: "That's so great that Kate has a buddy!"
Because, like, of course she does! She has lots of friends, in fact. Many of them of average height. It turns out, person we barely know, that friendship is possible between dwarfs and non-dwarfs! Kee-rist.
So this wonderful article came out a while ago about some people in our lives who have made a difference in the world. And it talked about Kate (Age 3) and featured a picture of Kate with her dear friend Abbey, who was also born with dwarfism. We've received wonderful messages from most people (the Petco employee who cried was a favorite). But the weirdest and most asinine comment came from someone we barely know: "That's so great that Kate has a buddy!"
Because, like, of course she does! She has lots of friends, in fact. Many of them of average height. It turns out, person we barely know, that friendship is possible between dwarfs and non-dwarfs! Kee-rist.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
An Almost Brush With The Law
This morning, coming across the Aurora Bridge, heading north, I might as well have been early-career not-quite-as-creepy Burt Reynolds for all my law flouting. I was not wearing a seatbelt, I was probably speeding, and, in a move I'm especially ashamed of, I was wearing an iPod. Recently the faceplate of my car stereo was stolen (just the faceplate, not the stereo, hinting at a robber who just wants to hassle me) and so usually I'm left alone with my thoughts. But there was this one song I really wanted to hear so I put on the headphones.
Then I saw the motorcycle cop with a radar gun. I hastily pulled off the headphones and fumbled for the seatbelt just as he was watching me (smooooth, Moe). But instead of justifiably switching on the lights and nailing me, he let me drive on by.
An hour later, I realized how disastrous it would have been had I been taken from the car and searched. There's this girl in my family who has been potty training. I had just dropped her off at preschool but forgot to leave all her extra supplies with her. So in my pocket, yep, little girls' underpants.
I figure with all those factors together, state pen for a year. Easy.
Whew.
This morning, coming across the Aurora Bridge, heading north, I might as well have been early-career not-quite-as-creepy Burt Reynolds for all my law flouting. I was not wearing a seatbelt, I was probably speeding, and, in a move I'm especially ashamed of, I was wearing an iPod. Recently the faceplate of my car stereo was stolen (just the faceplate, not the stereo, hinting at a robber who just wants to hassle me) and so usually I'm left alone with my thoughts. But there was this one song I really wanted to hear so I put on the headphones.
Then I saw the motorcycle cop with a radar gun. I hastily pulled off the headphones and fumbled for the seatbelt just as he was watching me (smooooth, Moe). But instead of justifiably switching on the lights and nailing me, he let me drive on by.
An hour later, I realized how disastrous it would have been had I been taken from the car and searched. There's this girl in my family who has been potty training. I had just dropped her off at preschool but forgot to leave all her extra supplies with her. So in my pocket, yep, little girls' underpants.
I figure with all those factors together, state pen for a year. Easy.
Whew.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Dear Ben Folds,
We both know, I think, that my daughter Kate was at least partially named after your song of the same name. My wife and I only figured that out long after she was born (one of our favorite songs, the name seemed to come to us spontaneously) but perhaps you knew all along. Sure, our Kate has some differences with yours (our Kate never hands out the Bhagavad Gita, doesn't smoke pot, cannot play Wipeout on the drums, gets wet) but also some similarities (when all words fail she speaks, squirrels and birds are frequently spotted nearby).
But none of this explains what happened last night. Our Kate spotted your CD "Whatever and Ever Amen", the one with the song "Kate" on it, not the case mind you, just the disc itself, which has no track listings on it at all. And she pointed at it and said "Look Dad! It's meeeeeee!"
So my question is this: have you been secretly contacting her?
Just wondering. Keep up the good work,
Kate's Dad
**
Update: Apparently Kate's mom tipped her off to the whole thing earlier in the day. You're off the hook, Folds. For now.
We both know, I think, that my daughter Kate was at least partially named after your song of the same name. My wife and I only figured that out long after she was born (one of our favorite songs, the name seemed to come to us spontaneously) but perhaps you knew all along. Sure, our Kate has some differences with yours (our Kate never hands out the Bhagavad Gita, doesn't smoke pot, cannot play Wipeout on the drums, gets wet) but also some similarities (when all words fail she speaks, squirrels and birds are frequently spotted nearby).
But none of this explains what happened last night. Our Kate spotted your CD "Whatever and Ever Amen", the one with the song "Kate" on it, not the case mind you, just the disc itself, which has no track listings on it at all. And she pointed at it and said "Look Dad! It's meeeeeee!"
So my question is this: have you been secretly contacting her?
Just wondering. Keep up the good work,
Kate's Dad
**
Update: Apparently Kate's mom tipped her off to the whole thing earlier in the day. You're off the hook, Folds. For now.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Current Affairs
HIM: But what's the name of your book?
ME: Probably "Conservatize Me".
HIM: What does that mean?
ME: Well, I tried to be a conservative.
HIM: And what is that?
ME: Well, there are two groups of people who don't agree on how things should be run. The conservatives think there should be a smaller government and not as many rules for how you do things. At least that's, you know, the theory.
HIM: So they trust people more?
ME: Ah...I...guess...so.
HIM: Do they like war?
ME: Lately they seem a little more interested in it than some other people do.
HIM: Well, that's not good.
(6 hours later)
HIM: Dad, where's the war?
ME: It's in Iraq. Way far away. Other side of the world.
HIM: If there was a fire at the war we couldn't see it from our house.
ME: Right.
HIM: And it's not going to come crashing through our wall?
ME: No way.
HIM: How do you get there?
ME: You go east, I suppose. For a long long time.
HIM: Which way is east?
ME: Like toward Bellevue. But much further, of course.
HIM: If you flew over the war, it would be red.
ME: Why would it be red?
HIM: From all the shoots. Dad?
ME: Yeah, bud?
HIM: I'm a good war guy. I would be good at war.
HIM: But what's the name of your book?
ME: Probably "Conservatize Me".
HIM: What does that mean?
ME: Well, I tried to be a conservative.
HIM: And what is that?
ME: Well, there are two groups of people who don't agree on how things should be run. The conservatives think there should be a smaller government and not as many rules for how you do things. At least that's, you know, the theory.
HIM: So they trust people more?
ME: Ah...I...guess...so.
HIM: Do they like war?
ME: Lately they seem a little more interested in it than some other people do.
HIM: Well, that's not good.
(6 hours later)
HIM: Dad, where's the war?
ME: It's in Iraq. Way far away. Other side of the world.
HIM: If there was a fire at the war we couldn't see it from our house.
ME: Right.
HIM: And it's not going to come crashing through our wall?
ME: No way.
HIM: How do you get there?
ME: You go east, I suppose. For a long long time.
HIM: Which way is east?
ME: Like toward Bellevue. But much further, of course.
HIM: If you flew over the war, it would be red.
ME: Why would it be red?
HIM: From all the shoots. Dad?
ME: Yeah, bud?
HIM: I'm a good war guy. I would be good at war.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Friday, December 30, 2005
There is Rocky Roll Activity
The most important band in the world has two things:
1. A gig tomorrow night, that's New Year's Evening, at the historic Blue Moon Tavern in Seattle's U-District. We've played there twice before and have proven crossover appeal with drunk hippies and meth hippies alike. Our good friends, who we've never met, Hart and the Hurricane and Sweatband are playing as well.
2. We have a MySpace page. So this clears the way for simulated friendships with Dane Cook and all that. I'm not 22. I don't know how it all works. But you can hear aaaaaancient samples of some of our, uh, we'll call them songs on this page.
The most important band in the world has two things:
1. A gig tomorrow night, that's New Year's Evening, at the historic Blue Moon Tavern in Seattle's U-District. We've played there twice before and have proven crossover appeal with drunk hippies and meth hippies alike. Our good friends, who we've never met, Hart and the Hurricane and Sweatband are playing as well.
2. We have a MySpace page. So this clears the way for simulated friendships with Dane Cook and all that. I'm not 22. I don't know how it all works. But you can hear aaaaaancient samples of some of our, uh, we'll call them songs on this page.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Welcome Global Visitors!
I put up this weird little mappy thingy underneath Kevin Duckworth over there and it confounds me every day. Someone visited from Iceland? From Indonesia? From, I think, the United Arab Emirates? I suppose it shouldn't shock me given how worldy the world is but I can't imagine a lazily maintained blog based mostly on my weird children had such a reach. Anyhow, welcome! Looks like I'm still awaiting my first Dakota or Wyoming friend. And South America and Africa continue to blow me off.
I put up this weird little mappy thingy underneath Kevin Duckworth over there and it confounds me every day. Someone visited from Iceland? From Indonesia? From, I think, the United Arab Emirates? I suppose it shouldn't shock me given how worldy the world is but I can't imagine a lazily maintained blog based mostly on my weird children had such a reach. Anyhow, welcome! Looks like I'm still awaiting my first Dakota or Wyoming friend. And South America and Africa continue to blow me off.
2005: The Musical
this from a producer at some radio station where I work...
this from a producer at some radio station where I work...
Hi all-
We are doing a show this Friday called “2005: The Musical.” We will be using music to reflect on the year.
What song will remind you of 2005? Perhaps it played at a very important moment. Perhaps the lyrics of the song describe your year. What song will play 10 years from now and make you go, “I remember, it was 2005 and…”
Send your stories and song titles to weekday@kuow.org before Friday. We’d love to hear your thoughts. Please encourage your friends to write in ahead of time too if they have ideas.
Thanks!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Conversations With My Children on Different Topics
Charlie (Age 5) on Contemporary Cinema
HIM: Dad, when can I see King Kong?
ME: Maybe when you're older. Like 10 or 11.
HIM: Or maybe 12. Is King Kong evil?
ME: No, he's just misunderstood.
HIM: He's just too big. He can't help that. He's too big and too heavy.
ME: Yeah, that's his big problem.
HIM: And he weighs more than any building in New York. So people in New York are scared.
Kate (Age 3) on Calendar Planning
HER: Daddy! Don't go to work!
ME: But I've got to go to work.
HER: No!
ME: What are you going to do today?
HER: (pause) Fight people.
Charlie (Age 5) on Contemporary Cinema
HIM: Dad, when can I see King Kong?
ME: Maybe when you're older. Like 10 or 11.
HIM: Or maybe 12. Is King Kong evil?
ME: No, he's just misunderstood.
HIM: He's just too big. He can't help that. He's too big and too heavy.
ME: Yeah, that's his big problem.
HIM: And he weighs more than any building in New York. So people in New York are scared.
Kate (Age 3) on Calendar Planning
HER: Daddy! Don't go to work!
ME: But I've got to go to work.
HER: No!
ME: What are you going to do today?
HER: (pause) Fight people.
Friday, December 23, 2005
The Beauty and Occasional Not Beauty of Flickr
As performed in a touching song and video. O, it is funny. O yes.
As performed in a touching song and video. O, it is funny. O yes.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Do You Think I Should Be, Like, Worried?
This is what we found in our daughter Kate's dollhouse today. And yes, that is an oven that the cat's head is in.
To me, it's all about the alarmed cat standing next to the oven. I mean, the cat with the head in the oven is okay. But the alarmed cat with arms sticking straight in the air makes it a real drama.
This is what we found in our daughter Kate's dollhouse today. And yes, that is an oven that the cat's head is in.
To me, it's all about the alarmed cat standing next to the oven. I mean, the cat with the head in the oven is okay. But the alarmed cat with arms sticking straight in the air makes it a real drama.
Did you know they still make videos?
At least they did last year. And John Mellencamp just made me love him more with his video for the song "Walk Tall". It's not just about dwarfs but the video is. In a world so jam packed with bigotry against dwarfs, it's nice to see. I think I'll go paint my house pink now.
At least they did last year. And John Mellencamp just made me love him more with his video for the song "Walk Tall". It's not just about dwarfs but the video is. In a world so jam packed with bigotry against dwarfs, it's nice to see. I think I'll go paint my house pink now.
Ryan Adams, Little League Coach
read the whole thing at McSweeney's
Then, when the first game in May got rained out, I was sitting on the picnic table in the parking lot, watching the rain fall on the cars and thinking about Emily. I started crying when Craig's dad was asking me about who I was gonna have play first base. God, I got so high that night.
read the whole thing at McSweeney's
Monday, December 19, 2005
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) Goes National
After a particularly poignant viewing of A Charlie Brown Christmas, I wrote up something, submitted it to All Things Considered on NPR, and it ran today.
After a particularly poignant viewing of A Charlie Brown Christmas, I wrote up something, submitted it to All Things Considered on NPR, and it ran today.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
The Challenge of the Flirtatious Barista
(at the coffee shop this morning. Male barista working, attractive female customer, who is a regular, comes in)
BARISTA: Hey, what's going on?
CUSTOMER: Oh. What? Sorry?
BARISTA: What's going on with you?
CUSTOMER: A tall non-fat soy latte.
BARISTA: Ah. Okay. Coming right up.
(at the coffee shop this morning. Male barista working, attractive female customer, who is a regular, comes in)
BARISTA: Hey, what's going on?
CUSTOMER: Oh. What? Sorry?
BARISTA: What's going on with you?
CUSTOMER: A tall non-fat soy latte.
BARISTA: Ah. Okay. Coming right up.
How Is Your Book Going?
Just waiting for the edit process to start. But, as a further indication that yes there really is a book, I now have an ISBN number: 0-06-085401-4. You will find nothing if you Google it, but still, neat. The ISBN is the number that bookstores and the industry use to track a book. When I've written book reviews for Amazon (editorial reviews, not customer reviews), that's the number used to load them on to the site. And since part of the goal of writing a book was to leave some kind of trace after I'm dead, 0-06-085401-4 does the trick.
Just waiting for the edit process to start. But, as a further indication that yes there really is a book, I now have an ISBN number: 0-06-085401-4. You will find nothing if you Google it, but still, neat. The ISBN is the number that bookstores and the industry use to track a book. When I've written book reviews for Amazon (editorial reviews, not customer reviews), that's the number used to load them on to the site. And since part of the goal of writing a book was to leave some kind of trace after I'm dead, 0-06-085401-4 does the trick.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
A Person From the Northwest Learns About the Midwest From His Wife, Who Is From the Midwest
ME: Is there any part of the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago that's outdoors?
HER: No. No. It gets very cold in Chicago.
ME: Yeah. But doesn't the aquarium in Chicago incorporate, like, Lake Michigan.
HER: No. It's near Lake Michigan but it is not of Lake Michigan. The fish in Lake Michigan are not all that dramatic.
ME: You don't get, like, lake whales? Or lake dolphins?
HER: No, it's a lot of perch. And smelt. And that would be a really sparsely attended aquarium.
ME: Is there any part of the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago that's outdoors?
HER: No. No. It gets very cold in Chicago.
ME: Yeah. But doesn't the aquarium in Chicago incorporate, like, Lake Michigan.
HER: No. It's near Lake Michigan but it is not of Lake Michigan. The fish in Lake Michigan are not all that dramatic.
ME: You don't get, like, lake whales? Or lake dolphins?
HER: No, it's a lot of perch. And smelt. And that would be a really sparsely attended aquarium.
Misadventures in Sportscasting
(me on the air today at some radio station, doing a newscast, which I'm almost never called upon to do)
"Ray Allen had 35 points, six assists, and seven points in the effort for the Sonics; an effort that ultimately...proved...futile."
I know there are more efficient ways of saying that a team lost a game but none came to mind.
(me on the air today at some radio station, doing a newscast, which I'm almost never called upon to do)
"Ray Allen had 35 points, six assists, and seven points in the effort for the Sonics; an effort that ultimately...proved...futile."
I know there are more efficient ways of saying that a team lost a game but none came to mind.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Other Matters
1. New Pop-Song Correspondence is up on McSweeney's. This one dealing with Elton John's termination from NASA.
2. I recently collaborated with my old high school drama rival Rob on a story for Weekend America (way at the bottom of the page) . We tried to figure out who was the better actor by calling up all of our old classmates. Was it as painful as it sounds? You bet it was.
3. Completely free of any political content, I just really liked the way this blogger dealt with his detractor. It's a blog, after all. They're giving it away for free. Roll with it, you know? (found on Boing Boing)
1. New Pop-Song Correspondence is up on McSweeney's. This one dealing with Elton John's termination from NASA.
2. I recently collaborated with my old high school drama rival Rob on a story for Weekend America (way at the bottom of the page) . We tried to figure out who was the better actor by calling up all of our old classmates. Was it as painful as it sounds? You bet it was.
3. Completely free of any political content, I just really liked the way this blogger dealt with his detractor. It's a blog, after all. They're giving it away for free. Roll with it, you know? (found on Boing Boing)
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) About Gender Politics
HIM: Dad, at school some of the boys dressed up like girls and we fooled the girls!
ME: Wow. What did you do?
HIM: We found some dress-up clothes, like dresses, and we pretended to be new girls at the school, and we fooled the girls! Then we jumped out and said WE'RE BOYS!
ME: That sounds fun.
HIM: BOY POWER! Hooray for Charlie Moe! BOY! POWER!
ME: Wait. What is "Boy Power"?
HIM: WE were Boy Power.
ME: But how do you get that power? How do you get Boy Power?
HIM: You pretend to be girls. Then you jump out and you're boys and then you chase the girls.
ME: And that gives you Boy Power?
HIM: Yes. HOORAY!
HIM: Dad, at school some of the boys dressed up like girls and we fooled the girls!
ME: Wow. What did you do?
HIM: We found some dress-up clothes, like dresses, and we pretended to be new girls at the school, and we fooled the girls! Then we jumped out and said WE'RE BOYS!
ME: That sounds fun.
HIM: BOY POWER! Hooray for Charlie Moe! BOY! POWER!
ME: Wait. What is "Boy Power"?
HIM: WE were Boy Power.
ME: But how do you get that power? How do you get Boy Power?
HIM: You pretend to be girls. Then you jump out and you're boys and then you chase the girls.
ME: And that gives you Boy Power?
HIM: Yes. HOORAY!
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
I'm not sure I've ever been prouder to be Norwegian...
Than I am after seeing this video
From Norwegian band Hurra Torpedo
Than I am after seeing this video
From Norwegian band Hurra Torpedo
Monday, December 05, 2005
A Few Things On My Mind
1. Is there any scientist title more disappointing than "Egyptologist"? Because most other scientist get some cool word for what they do, like "Paleontologist", "Entomologist", and "Limnologist". Then they get to explain to people that what that means is that they study, respectively, fossils, bugs, or inland waters. But "Egyptologist"? How disappointingly unimaginative.
"Oh, an Egyptologist? So you must study..."
"Egypt. Yeah."
It would be like a biologist having to be called a bodyist. Or a cardiologist being called a heartist. Just doesn't impress.
2. Why can't I get a 12 ounce can of soda anymore? Why you gotta be pushing the 20-ouncer, soda pusher man?
3. I think it would be funny to have a big stage act called Pooh Man Group. Where it's just like Blue Man Group but with Winnie-the-Pooh.
1. Is there any scientist title more disappointing than "Egyptologist"? Because most other scientist get some cool word for what they do, like "Paleontologist", "Entomologist", and "Limnologist". Then they get to explain to people that what that means is that they study, respectively, fossils, bugs, or inland waters. But "Egyptologist"? How disappointingly unimaginative.
"Oh, an Egyptologist? So you must study..."
"Egypt. Yeah."
It would be like a biologist having to be called a bodyist. Or a cardiologist being called a heartist. Just doesn't impress.
2. Why can't I get a 12 ounce can of soda anymore? Why you gotta be pushing the 20-ouncer, soda pusher man?
3. I think it would be funny to have a big stage act called Pooh Man Group. Where it's just like Blue Man Group but with Winnie-the-Pooh.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
How is Your Book Going?
Funny thing about formatting. You can have what you think is a perfectly reasonable book of 243 pages, single spaced with a blank line between paragraphs. But when your editor prefers it without those blank lines but double spaced, you realize you've written something that's 421 pages long. Cripes! I mean, that's not how many book pages it would be but still. 123,000 words or so after four drafts. Probably need to drop 25-30k of those.
But..BUT!...I did submit the manuscript today. As per the agreement made long ago. Next comes the editing and the design and the world of other things. But tonight, I feel like I've done something.
And, it's being picked up by my fave new media outlet: conservative blogs!
Funny thing about formatting. You can have what you think is a perfectly reasonable book of 243 pages, single spaced with a blank line between paragraphs. But when your editor prefers it without those blank lines but double spaced, you realize you've written something that's 421 pages long. Cripes! I mean, that's not how many book pages it would be but still. 123,000 words or so after four drafts. Probably need to drop 25-30k of those.
But..BUT!...I did submit the manuscript today. As per the agreement made long ago. Next comes the editing and the design and the world of other things. But tonight, I feel like I've done something.
And, it's being picked up by my fave new media outlet: conservative blogs!
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
US News & World Report Releases Cat from Bag
Well, I can give you the link, or I can just reprint the blurb from the Washington Whispers section of US News & World Report:
As you know all too well if you've read this blog, I'm writing a book. Turning in the manuscript on Thursday, in fact. And the wave of publicity is on.
The idea of the book is that I took a month this summer to try to become a conservative. I met with pundits/celebrities Rich Lowry, Jonah Goldberg, William Kristol, and "Jeff Gannon", and had them attempt to convert me. I walked among the College Republicans at the College Republican National Convention and had an opportunity to stand a few feet from Tom DeLay and scream at full volume. I made pilgrimages to the Reagan, Nixon, and Quayle(!) museums and had varying levels of resonance. I spent 4th of July in a rural Idaho county that voted for Bush at a national record 92%. I went to a Toby Keith concert, fired guns, test drove an Escalade, and listened to a whole lot of conservative talk radio. I also endured a whole lot of Lee Greenwood music and ate more beef jerky than is prudent.
It was interesting. I went a little insane after a while, to be perfectly honest with you. I feel better now.
The book will be out next October, I believe.
Well, I can give you the link, or I can just reprint the blurb from the Washington Whispers section of US News & World Report:
Learning How the Other Half Lives
There's at least one liberal who wants to know how the other half lives. Seattle public-radio-show host John Moe spent a month immersed in conservative culture--forgoing the New York Times, resetting his radio from NPR to Rush Limbaugh, and making pilgrimages to the Reagan and Nixon libraries. He chronicles the ideological adventure in Conservatize Me, to be published by William Morrow next year. The hardest part? Listening to patriotic country and western songs. "Liberals have better music," he insists. But Moe also found conservatives to be funnier. "To be funny you have to have confidence," he says. "And you develop confidence when you rule the world."
As you know all too well if you've read this blog, I'm writing a book. Turning in the manuscript on Thursday, in fact. And the wave of publicity is on.
The idea of the book is that I took a month this summer to try to become a conservative. I met with pundits/celebrities Rich Lowry, Jonah Goldberg, William Kristol, and "Jeff Gannon", and had them attempt to convert me. I walked among the College Republicans at the College Republican National Convention and had an opportunity to stand a few feet from Tom DeLay and scream at full volume. I made pilgrimages to the Reagan, Nixon, and Quayle(!) museums and had varying levels of resonance. I spent 4th of July in a rural Idaho county that voted for Bush at a national record 92%. I went to a Toby Keith concert, fired guns, test drove an Escalade, and listened to a whole lot of conservative talk radio. I also endured a whole lot of Lee Greenwood music and ate more beef jerky than is prudent.
It was interesting. I went a little insane after a while, to be perfectly honest with you. I feel better now.
The book will be out next October, I believe.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Consider the Code Cracked!
Thank you, local gym that I belong to, for slyly deducing that when I said I didn't care what locker you assigned me, I was really saying, "please put me right next to the desperately unhealthy very very old naked man who moves really slow and will be there right when I go to change." You read me like a book!
Thank you, local gym that I belong to, for slyly deducing that when I said I didn't care what locker you assigned me, I was really saying, "please put me right next to the desperately unhealthy very very old naked man who moves really slow and will be there right when I go to change." You read me like a book!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
It Finally Happened.
You know how you always wonder if you get really high up on the swing, will you go all the way around? Lately, Charlie and Kate have been talking a lot. Like, a LOT. Like, all the time they're talking. And they are young children whose lives consist mostly of their preschool, home, the park, some books they've read, and animated videos. But still they talk, wringing the maximum amount of words out of their minimal experiences. As has been evidenced at this site in the past. But last night in the car, the well finally ran dry but they found a way to...keep...talking...anyway.
KATE: Look! There's the Y!
CHARLIE: That's not the Y!
KATE: There's a monkey outside! I see a monkey!
CHARLIE: There's no monkey!
JILL: What do you see outside, Kate?
KATE: Just cars!
CHARLIE: I have a butt!
KATE: The Y!
CHARLIE: Bla-bla-bla!
KATE: Bla-bla!
CHARLIE: Bla-bla-bla-bla-blaaaaa!
KATE: BLAAAA!
ME: I knew this day would arrive.
CHARLIE and KATE: BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA!
You know how you always wonder if you get really high up on the swing, will you go all the way around? Lately, Charlie and Kate have been talking a lot. Like, a LOT. Like, all the time they're talking. And they are young children whose lives consist mostly of their preschool, home, the park, some books they've read, and animated videos. But still they talk, wringing the maximum amount of words out of their minimal experiences. As has been evidenced at this site in the past. But last night in the car, the well finally ran dry but they found a way to...keep...talking...anyway.
KATE: Look! There's the Y!
CHARLIE: That's not the Y!
KATE: There's a monkey outside! I see a monkey!
CHARLIE: There's no monkey!
JILL: What do you see outside, Kate?
KATE: Just cars!
CHARLIE: I have a butt!
KATE: The Y!
CHARLIE: Bla-bla-bla!
KATE: Bla-bla!
CHARLIE: Bla-bla-bla-bla-blaaaaa!
KATE: BLAAAA!
ME: I knew this day would arrive.
CHARLIE and KATE: BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA!
Monday, November 21, 2005
Things from today...
Just got off the phone with a reporter from US News & World Report. Apparently a small bit about The Book is going to be in the Washington Whispers section some time soon. Is Washington Whispering about my book? I kind of doubt that. But hey, I'll gladly accept publicity for a book that is still a year away from publication. Gladly.
Also, I'm adding Hey, Terrific! to the list of linkies on the side there. It's Sean Nelson's blog and he is several things: lead singer of Harvey Danger who have a new album out that you can download for free or you can buy it or do whatever you like, an entertaining blogger, a very good writer, and a nice fellow. He's got the Rolling Stones' "Waiting on a Friend" on his iPod. Or so he told me.
Just got off the phone with a reporter from US News & World Report. Apparently a small bit about The Book is going to be in the Washington Whispers section some time soon. Is Washington Whispering about my book? I kind of doubt that. But hey, I'll gladly accept publicity for a book that is still a year away from publication. Gladly.
Also, I'm adding Hey, Terrific! to the list of linkies on the side there. It's Sean Nelson's blog and he is several things: lead singer of Harvey Danger who have a new album out that you can download for free or you can buy it or do whatever you like, an entertaining blogger, a very good writer, and a nice fellow. He's got the Rolling Stones' "Waiting on a Friend" on his iPod. Or so he told me.
Was Tiny Einstein Robot Just Being Polite Or Is He A Loyal Republican?
(found on Boing Boing )
If only Tiny Robot Einstein was able to smash through doors.
(found on Boing Boing )
If only Tiny Robot Einstein was able to smash through doors.
Friday, November 18, 2005
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) and Kate (Age 3) About Responsibilities
CHARLIE: Dad, when are we going to get the new baby? The adopted baby?
ME: Well, we have no plans to get one. We've never even looked into that. So I guess either a long, long time from now or never.
CHARLIE: You and Mom will take care of the adopted baby and Kate and me will take care of the rest of the house.
ME: Really? That sounds great. So you'll do all the cooking?
CHARLIE: We'll need help with that.
ME: And cleaning? You'll clean the house?
CHARLIE: No, we can't do that.
ME: Well what exactly will you do?
KATE: towels.
CHARLIE: We'll wash the pet whale!
ME: Pet whale? We don't have a pet whale.
KATE: Whale!
ME: And I don't think it would need washing anyway, what with the swimming.
CHARLIE: Then Kate and me will have giant scary eyeballs and WATCH everything in the house!
KATE: Eyeballs!
CHARLIE: Dad, who has no eyeballs?
ME: Well, I don't--
CHARLIE: I know! The earth! THE EARTH HAS NO EYEBALLS, DAD!
KATE: Eyeballs!
CHARLIE: Dad, when are we going to get the new baby? The adopted baby?
ME: Well, we have no plans to get one. We've never even looked into that. So I guess either a long, long time from now or never.
CHARLIE: You and Mom will take care of the adopted baby and Kate and me will take care of the rest of the house.
ME: Really? That sounds great. So you'll do all the cooking?
CHARLIE: We'll need help with that.
ME: And cleaning? You'll clean the house?
CHARLIE: No, we can't do that.
ME: Well what exactly will you do?
KATE: towels.
CHARLIE: We'll wash the pet whale!
ME: Pet whale? We don't have a pet whale.
KATE: Whale!
ME: And I don't think it would need washing anyway, what with the swimming.
CHARLIE: Then Kate and me will have giant scary eyeballs and WATCH everything in the house!
KATE: Eyeballs!
CHARLIE: Dad, who has no eyeballs?
ME: Well, I don't--
CHARLIE: I know! The earth! THE EARTH HAS NO EYEBALLS, DAD!
KATE: Eyeballs!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
A Converation with Charlie (Age 5) About the Animal Kingdom
The highly social girls in Charlie's preschool class like to play "cats", which involves slinking around on the ground, meowing, and kind of grooming one another. Yesterday, Charlie got involved in their game. Kinda.
HIM: Dad, the girls were playing cats and I scared one of them! And she ran away and screamed! And she ran all over the big yard!
ME: Wow. How did you scare her?
HIM: I went like this! (pounding his chest in a gorilla fashion)AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!Remember when they did that at the zoo? The gorillas?
ME: Sure.
HIM: But they didn't scream. But I screamed.
ME: So why did you do that?
HIM: Because it was funny!
ME: Yeah. Well, you're right about that.
HIM: And cats are scared of gorillas.
ME: Well I guess we know that now.
HIM: Can we go see King Kong?
ME: I don't know. We may have to.
The highly social girls in Charlie's preschool class like to play "cats", which involves slinking around on the ground, meowing, and kind of grooming one another. Yesterday, Charlie got involved in their game. Kinda.
HIM: Dad, the girls were playing cats and I scared one of them! And she ran away and screamed! And she ran all over the big yard!
ME: Wow. How did you scare her?
HIM: I went like this! (pounding his chest in a gorilla fashion)AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!Remember when they did that at the zoo? The gorillas?
ME: Sure.
HIM: But they didn't scream. But I screamed.
ME: So why did you do that?
HIM: Because it was funny!
ME: Yeah. Well, you're right about that.
HIM: And cats are scared of gorillas.
ME: Well I guess we know that now.
HIM: Can we go see King Kong?
ME: I don't know. We may have to.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5, as of tomorrow)
HIM: Dad, what does "deaf" mean?
ME: It means you can't hear.
HIM: But it has another meaning, too.
ME: What? No it doesn't.
HIM: It means when you die.
ME: No no, that's "death".
HIM: Right. Deaf.
ME: No. Deaf has a fff sound. Death has a th sound. Deaf is when you can't hear, death is when you die.
HIM: Oh. But Dad, when you die, you can't hear either.
HIM: Dad, what does "deaf" mean?
ME: It means you can't hear.
HIM: But it has another meaning, too.
ME: What? No it doesn't.
HIM: It means when you die.
ME: No no, that's "death".
HIM: Right. Deaf.
ME: No. Deaf has a fff sound. Death has a th sound. Deaf is when you can't hear, death is when you die.
HIM: Oh. But Dad, when you die, you can't hear either.
Friday, November 11, 2005
How is Your Book Going?
Haven't answered this in some time. Probably because in the real world, fewer people ask. Which is because in the real world, no one sees me. I took this week off from work to just buckle down and write write write. The previous mention of a first draft word count of 130,000 was erroneously missing a 7,000 word chapter. But now, 40% of the way through draft 3, it's down to 122,000. So instead of being a 500 page humor book, it's a 430 page humor book. And if there's one thing everyone loves in a humor book, it's LENGTH! But I do have talented and eager editors. Their jobs shall not be dull.
Haven't answered this in some time. Probably because in the real world, fewer people ask. Which is because in the real world, no one sees me. I took this week off from work to just buckle down and write write write. The previous mention of a first draft word count of 130,000 was erroneously missing a 7,000 word chapter. But now, 40% of the way through draft 3, it's down to 122,000. So instead of being a 500 page humor book, it's a 430 page humor book. And if there's one thing everyone loves in a humor book, it's LENGTH! But I do have talented and eager editors. Their jobs shall not be dull.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
A Landmark Event
(at the coffee shop today, writing)
SOME LADY: Hey, aren't you in that band Chicken Starship?
ME: Yeah. Wow. Yeah.
SOME LADY: I saw you guys at The Blue Moon. It was the most amazing thing I've seen in months.
ME: Thank you.
SOME LADY: No, thank you.
ME: I've never been recognized from the band and we've been together, in some form, for like twelve years.
SOME LADY: Well, I loved it. (she leaves)
BARISTA: Are you a musician?
ME: Ah...no, not really.
(at the coffee shop today, writing)
SOME LADY: Hey, aren't you in that band Chicken Starship?
ME: Yeah. Wow. Yeah.
SOME LADY: I saw you guys at The Blue Moon. It was the most amazing thing I've seen in months.
ME: Thank you.
SOME LADY: No, thank you.
ME: I've never been recognized from the band and we've been together, in some form, for like twelve years.
SOME LADY: Well, I loved it. (she leaves)
BARISTA: Are you a musician?
ME: Ah...no, not really.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
A Conversation With Family Members (other than Charlie) About Memories
JILL: How come you always write about Charlie in your blog but not about Kate?
ME: Well Kate is so normal. Charlie says all these weird things, you know? And I don't write about the normal stuff or the cute stuff and I'm more interested in the weird. Charlie gives me lots of weird.
JILL: That's true.
KATE (age 3): I...like...to...eat...pee.
JILL: You eat pee?
KATE: Yeah. And poop.
ME: What?
KATE: I eat pee and poop, Daddy.
JILL: What does the pee taste like, Kate?
KATE: My eye.
JILL: And how about the poop?
KATE: Hmm...foot.
JILL: So that's going in the blog?
ME: Yes. Yes, it is.
JILL: How come you always write about Charlie in your blog but not about Kate?
ME: Well Kate is so normal. Charlie says all these weird things, you know? And I don't write about the normal stuff or the cute stuff and I'm more interested in the weird. Charlie gives me lots of weird.
JILL: That's true.
KATE (age 3): I...like...to...eat...pee.
JILL: You eat pee?
KATE: Yeah. And poop.
ME: What?
KATE: I eat pee and poop, Daddy.
JILL: What does the pee taste like, Kate?
KATE: My eye.
JILL: And how about the poop?
KATE: Hmm...foot.
JILL: So that's going in the blog?
ME: Yes. Yes, it is.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Regarding the Proposed All-Male Go-Go's Cover Band I May Start
John Smersh, who wants to be the Jane Weidlin impersonator, thinks we should be called "Our Lips Have Mustaches". But I, the presumed Belinda, favor "We Got The Meat".
update: John came up with "We Got The Meat" on his own as well. And found another all-male Go-Go's tribute band out of LA. But we'll be better than them. Once we play, and rehearse, and, uh, form.
John Smersh, who wants to be the Jane Weidlin impersonator, thinks we should be called "Our Lips Have Mustaches". But I, the presumed Belinda, favor "We Got The Meat".
update: John came up with "We Got The Meat" on his own as well. And found another all-male Go-Go's tribute band out of LA. But we'll be better than them. Once we play, and rehearse, and, uh, form.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4, still) About Aging
HIM: WHEN! WHEN! When will I turn fiiiiive?!
ME: Oh it's going to be soon. I know it's hard to wait.
HIM: Am I five NOW?
ME: No. Here's what you do. Today is November 1st. Your birthday is November 14th. So it's thirteen more days. Then you're five.
HIM: How many is thirteen?
ME: More than twelve, less than fourteen.
HIM: I want to turn FIVE! I don't want to wait SIXTY ONE YEARS!
HIM: WHEN! WHEN! When will I turn fiiiiive?!
ME: Oh it's going to be soon. I know it's hard to wait.
HIM: Am I five NOW?
ME: No. Here's what you do. Today is November 1st. Your birthday is November 14th. So it's thirteen more days. Then you're five.
HIM: How many is thirteen?
ME: More than twelve, less than fourteen.
HIM: I want to turn FIVE! I don't want to wait SIXTY ONE YEARS!
Saturday, October 29, 2005
130,329
That's how long the book currently is. That many words. 255 pages of single spaced Times New Roman 12-point with blank lines between graphs. As of today at 11:48am when I wrote the last word of the first draft. I actually wrapped up the draft of the main part of the book last week but I had all these sidebars to write up about Red Dawn, The Patriot, Brazil, and some other movies. But today I finished the last of those (Return of the King). And I put everything in one big doc called "Book1". If I die, please search for that on my computer, edit it, and publish it.
Whew.
Well, back to work. Now I have to whip it into something that's actually somewhat halfway quasi-good.
That's how long the book currently is. That many words. 255 pages of single spaced Times New Roman 12-point with blank lines between graphs. As of today at 11:48am when I wrote the last word of the first draft. I actually wrapped up the draft of the main part of the book last week but I had all these sidebars to write up about Red Dawn, The Patriot, Brazil, and some other movies. But today I finished the last of those (Return of the King). And I put everything in one big doc called "Book1". If I die, please search for that on my computer, edit it, and publish it.
Whew.
Well, back to work. Now I have to whip it into something that's actually somewhat halfway quasi-good.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Someone with an easy job
Randall Samborn. Never heard of Randall Samborn? Preeee-cisely. He's Patrick Fitzgerald's spokesman. You know the guy who's leading the investigation about which nothing is ever revealed? This from the New York Times, tomorrow edition:
How awesome is that? You're a spokesman and you decline to comment. It's like a barista who just isn't all that into the whole coffee making thing. Randall Samborn. Nice going.
Randall Samborn. Never heard of Randall Samborn? Preeee-cisely. He's Patrick Fitzgerald's spokesman. You know the guy who's leading the investigation about which nothing is ever revealed? This from the New York Times, tomorrow edition:
Mr. Fitzgerald is expected to hold a news conference at the Justice Department in Washington on Friday. His spokesman, Randall Samborn, declined to comment.
How awesome is that? You're a spokesman and you decline to comment. It's like a barista who just isn't all that into the whole coffee making thing. Randall Samborn. Nice going.
It's been a while since blogging died...
But it just died again. This time it was killed by Dennis Hastert who begins his first entry, yep, "Welcome to my blog".
But it just died again. This time it was killed by Dennis Hastert who begins his first entry, yep, "Welcome to my blog".
A Call to Arms and Pens and Computer Drawing Programs
My pal John Hodgman has this kickasssss book and along with it a website and along with that an audio recording of himself reading the names of 700 hoboes. My other friends at BoingBoing (I have other friends than just John and BoingBoing; I have three others) have issued a clarion call for illustrators to draw all 700 hoboes. This is very important. We need to understand our hoboes in this world. Entries have started coming in at Flickr where artists should post their hoboes.
My pal John Hodgman has this kickasssss book and along with it a website and along with that an audio recording of himself reading the names of 700 hoboes. My other friends at BoingBoing (I have other friends than just John and BoingBoing; I have three others) have issued a clarion call for illustrators to draw all 700 hoboes. This is very important. We need to understand our hoboes in this world. Entries have started coming in at Flickr where artists should post their hoboes.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4) About Home Security
ACT 1
HIM: Dad, I have an idea for what we should do if there's a robot in the house that's smashing everything.
ME: Okay.
HIM: We should get a bulldozer made out of cardboard.
ME: And what would...ah...how would that help? Would it crush the robot?
HIM: No, it would move the robot into a barrel of leaves so the robot would stop smashing the house apart.
ME: Full of leaves?
HIM: Wait! No! Not full of leaves! Because I want the robot to have room to run around.
ME: In the barrel.
HIM: Yeah. We don't have anything remote controlled.
ME: No. Should we get some things like that?
HIM: (after some consideration) Yes.
ACT 2 (fifteen minutes later)
ME: Why does the bulldozer need to be cardboard?
HIM: We don't know anyone who has a real bulldozer. It wouldn't fit in our house.
ME: But a cardboard one would?
HIM: Well we could try.
ME: If it's a robot smashing your house, you try anything right?
HIM: Yeah.
ACT 1
HIM: Dad, I have an idea for what we should do if there's a robot in the house that's smashing everything.
ME: Okay.
HIM: We should get a bulldozer made out of cardboard.
ME: And what would...ah...how would that help? Would it crush the robot?
HIM: No, it would move the robot into a barrel of leaves so the robot would stop smashing the house apart.
ME: Full of leaves?
HIM: Wait! No! Not full of leaves! Because I want the robot to have room to run around.
ME: In the barrel.
HIM: Yeah. We don't have anything remote controlled.
ME: No. Should we get some things like that?
HIM: (after some consideration) Yes.
ACT 2 (fifteen minutes later)
ME: Why does the bulldozer need to be cardboard?
HIM: We don't know anyone who has a real bulldozer. It wouldn't fit in our house.
ME: But a cardboard one would?
HIM: Well we could try.
ME: If it's a robot smashing your house, you try anything right?
HIM: Yeah.
Friday, October 21, 2005
A Conversation With Charlie (Age 4)
HIM: Dad, Kate and I are here to take the place of other people.
ME: What? What do you...huh?
HIM: You know how Grandpa Moe died? And his last name was Moe?
ME: Yeah?
HIM: My last name is Moe now. And Kate's last name is Moe. We're here to replace people who have died.
ME: Oh.
(long silence)
HIM: DINOSAUR!
HIM: Dad, Kate and I are here to take the place of other people.
ME: What? What do you...huh?
HIM: You know how Grandpa Moe died? And his last name was Moe?
ME: Yeah?
HIM: My last name is Moe now. And Kate's last name is Moe. We're here to replace people who have died.
ME: Oh.
(long silence)
HIM: DINOSAUR!
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Can't understand what you're saying, you're speaking Canada.
Steve Nash is the MP3 of the league in a new Ali G NBA commercial. And it's funny.
Steve Nash is the MP3 of the league in a new Ali G NBA commercial. And it's funny.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
How is Your Book Going?
Well...uh...it's like this. You know how you sometimes hear about writers struggling to end the book? And when you hear that you think Well hell, how about, I don't know, a PERIOD? So that's where I am. I'm in the last chapter. I think I have about 500-1000 words left to write. Then I need to write up about 12 one-page sidebars that will go with it. That will bring the aggregate word count to about eleventy zillion.
But that will also mean the first draft will. be. done. And then the second draft begins. And the third. And the eleventy zillionth. But after that first draft, hopefully completed this weekend, I plan to maybe have a beer or something.
Well...uh...it's like this. You know how you sometimes hear about writers struggling to end the book? And when you hear that you think Well hell, how about, I don't know, a PERIOD? So that's where I am. I'm in the last chapter. I think I have about 500-1000 words left to write. Then I need to write up about 12 one-page sidebars that will go with it. That will bring the aggregate word count to about eleventy zillion.
But that will also mean the first draft will. be. done. And then the second draft begins. And the third. And the eleventy zillionth. But after that first draft, hopefully completed this weekend, I plan to maybe have a beer or something.
Let the commencement...beginulate!
Made up words from The Simpsons. (also found everywhere online by now, no doubt)
Made up words from The Simpsons. (also found everywhere online by now, no doubt)
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Thursday, October 13, 2005
The Correspondences of Harriet Miers and George W. Bush
Can be found here. Andrew Sullivan describes it as "mutually excruciating".
Can be found here. Andrew Sullivan describes it as "mutually excruciating".
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
I Suppose I Could Eventually Stop Staring At This...
But at the moment I don't really see how. Click on him to fling him about.
But at the moment I don't really see how. Click on him to fling him about.
Some Questions About People I Observed Today
1. If you have all those Christian bumper stickers on your car and then I allow you into my lane in front of me, shouldn't you wave? Because wouldn't Jesus?
2. I know that the environmentalist group WASHPIRG is not picky about who it hires to gather signatures on petitions, but, young signature gatherer, are you already so jaded and dispirited that you're just going to sit on the curb like that?
1. If you have all those Christian bumper stickers on your car and then I allow you into my lane in front of me, shouldn't you wave? Because wouldn't Jesus?
2. I know that the environmentalist group WASHPIRG is not picky about who it hires to gather signatures on petitions, but, young signature gatherer, are you already so jaded and dispirited that you're just going to sit on the curb like that?
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
A Man's Final Wish
From the Chicago Tribune (via the estimable Matthew Baldwin)
Theodore Roosevelt Heller
Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, loving father of Charles (Joann) Heller; dear brother of the late Sonya (the late Jack) Steinberg. Ted was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. Graveside services Tuesday 11 a.m. at Waldheim Jewish Cemetery (Ziditshover section), 1700 S. Harlem Ave., Chicago. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans. Arrangements by Chicago Jewish Funerals, Douglas MacIsaac, funeral director 847-229-8822, www.cjfinfo.com.
From the Chicago Tribune (via the estimable Matthew Baldwin)
Theodore Roosevelt Heller
Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, loving father of Charles (Joann) Heller; dear brother of the late Sonya (the late Jack) Steinberg. Ted was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. Graveside services Tuesday 11 a.m. at Waldheim Jewish Cemetery (Ziditshover section), 1700 S. Harlem Ave., Chicago. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans. Arrangements by Chicago Jewish Funerals, Douglas MacIsaac, funeral director 847-229-8822, www.cjfinfo.com.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
How is Your Book Going?
The good parts about writing a book: the place you are reserving for yourself in history thus mitigating your anxiety about death, the advance check, the creative act of writing which can be quite fun and satisfying in so many ways.
The bad part about writing a book: how it rips your life apart.
The good parts about writing a book: the place you are reserving for yourself in history thus mitigating your anxiety about death, the advance check, the creative act of writing which can be quite fun and satisfying in so many ways.
The bad part about writing a book: how it rips your life apart.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
When the WSJ editorial page turns on you...
You've got worry.
"Even a star quarterback with years of high school and college football under his belt takes years of experience and hard knocks to develop the knowledge and instincts needed to survive in the NFL. The Supreme Court is the big league of the legal profession, and Ms. Miers has never even played the judicial equivalent of high school ball, much less won a Heisman Trophy."
You've got worry.
"Even a star quarterback with years of high school and college football under his belt takes years of experience and hard knocks to develop the knowledge and instincts needed to survive in the NFL. The Supreme Court is the big league of the legal profession, and Ms. Miers has never even played the judicial equivalent of high school ball, much less won a Heisman Trophy."
Friday, September 30, 2005
How is Your Book Going?
So what does it mean when I don't post a HiYBG update in three days? Does that mean that it's going so very well, so very very well that I haven't the time to even talk about it? Or is it going real...bad...like and I can't face up to that? I think the answer is yes. I've made it to the third week of the 30 day project and I've passed the point where I talk to the fundamentalist Kirkland pastor about gay people and now I'm at the Reagan museum, eating a huge sack of jelly bellies watching the constantly looping video of the assassination attempt (located next to the air traffic controllers strike video, also looping). I was eating the candy because I didn't realize there was a cafe there.
And so I write every day. And I'm getting there. I think. But yet, I have to think that. Actors: you know how there's that one day about a week and a half before opening when you think "My God, we open in ten days and this isn't a play at all. We're going to have to cancel this thing, tear down the posters, because this is not, in fact, viable theater"? You know that part? I think-- THINK-- that's where I am. But again, I don't know. Have never written a book.
My pal Eric Liu told me today that when he writes, he dives in and for three to seven months he writes sixteen hours a day. I'm not sure other writers live on the same planet as the rest of us.
So what does it mean when I don't post a HiYBG update in three days? Does that mean that it's going so very well, so very very well that I haven't the time to even talk about it? Or is it going real...bad...like and I can't face up to that? I think the answer is yes. I've made it to the third week of the 30 day project and I've passed the point where I talk to the fundamentalist Kirkland pastor about gay people and now I'm at the Reagan museum, eating a huge sack of jelly bellies watching the constantly looping video of the assassination attempt (located next to the air traffic controllers strike video, also looping). I was eating the candy because I didn't realize there was a cafe there.
And so I write every day. And I'm getting there. I think. But yet, I have to think that. Actors: you know how there's that one day about a week and a half before opening when you think "My God, we open in ten days and this isn't a play at all. We're going to have to cancel this thing, tear down the posters, because this is not, in fact, viable theater"? You know that part? I think-- THINK-- that's where I am. But again, I don't know. Have never written a book.
My pal Eric Liu told me today that when he writes, he dives in and for three to seven months he writes sixteen hours a day. I'm not sure other writers live on the same planet as the rest of us.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Saturday, September 24, 2005
You Ask Me Why I Love My Neighborhood Coffeeshop?
Walking in to write tonight, I crossed the street while a car drove by blasting Christian rock power ballad music.
ME: Is there anything worse in the world than Christian rock power ballads?
BARISTA: (instantly) Christian smooth jazz?
ME: Good one. Is there such a thing?
BARISTA: Yes. Oh yes.
ME: How is something like that even...allowed?
BARISTA: I don't know.
ME: Can we stop it?
BARISTA: Not under the current administration.
ME: We need to oppress Christian smooth jazz. Would you agree that we don't need less oppression, just better distribution of the oppression we got?
BARISTA: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Walking in to write tonight, I crossed the street while a car drove by blasting Christian rock power ballad music.
ME: Is there anything worse in the world than Christian rock power ballads?
BARISTA: (instantly) Christian smooth jazz?
ME: Good one. Is there such a thing?
BARISTA: Yes. Oh yes.
ME: How is something like that even...allowed?
BARISTA: I don't know.
ME: Can we stop it?
BARISTA: Not under the current administration.
ME: We need to oppress Christian smooth jazz. Would you agree that we don't need less oppression, just better distribution of the oppression we got?
BARISTA: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4) About Responsibilities
HIM: Dad, when I grow up I'm going to work at the zoo.
ME: Yeah, you've mentioned that a few times.
HIM: And I'm going to take care of the jaguar.
ME: The jaguar? I thought you were going to be the bird guy.
HIM: I am. But I'll do the jaguar too.
ME: Oh. Okay.
HIM: What does the jaguar eat?
ME: Well, according to the thing we read at the zoo, it eats everything it can find. Rabbits, ducks, deer, even tapirs.
HIM: Then I'll LIIIIIIFT the tapir into the jaguar's cage and say "here jaguar!" and then he'll eat it.
ME: Sounds like a big job.
HIM: Yeah. Dad, do the jaguars eat live tapirs or dead ones?
ME: Live ones.
HIM: Oh good. Then I won't have to shoot the tapir in the head with a gun.
HIM: Dad, when I grow up I'm going to work at the zoo.
ME: Yeah, you've mentioned that a few times.
HIM: And I'm going to take care of the jaguar.
ME: The jaguar? I thought you were going to be the bird guy.
HIM: I am. But I'll do the jaguar too.
ME: Oh. Okay.
HIM: What does the jaguar eat?
ME: Well, according to the thing we read at the zoo, it eats everything it can find. Rabbits, ducks, deer, even tapirs.
HIM: Then I'll LIIIIIIFT the tapir into the jaguar's cage and say "here jaguar!" and then he'll eat it.
ME: Sounds like a big job.
HIM: Yeah. Dad, do the jaguars eat live tapirs or dead ones?
ME: Live ones.
HIM: Oh good. Then I won't have to shoot the tapir in the head with a gun.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
The Most Important Rock Band In The World Plays A Concert
So there's this band called Chicken Starship that...ah...I'm the lead singer of. We dress in chicken suits and play loud fast dumb rocky roll music. This Friday it will occur at the historic Blue Moon Tavern in Seattle. Only rocky roll loyalists are invited. Along with everyone else.
So there's this band called Chicken Starship that...ah...I'm the lead singer of. We dress in chicken suits and play loud fast dumb rocky roll music. This Friday it will occur at the historic Blue Moon Tavern in Seattle. Only rocky roll loyalists are invited. Along with everyone else.
Monday, September 19, 2005
A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4) About The Appropriateness of Humor
ME: Hey what do you guys want for breakfast?
HIM: I don't know.
ME: How about an english muffin with dirt all over it?
HIM: No.
ME: Or toast with worms? A big bowl of cereal with bugs crawling around inside?
HIM: Dad?
ME: Yeah?
HIM: Stop with all the jokeable things.
ME: The..the jokeable things?
ME: Yeah. Stop being so comic.
ME: Hey what do you guys want for breakfast?
HIM: I don't know.
ME: How about an english muffin with dirt all over it?
HIM: No.
ME: Or toast with worms? A big bowl of cereal with bugs crawling around inside?
HIM: Dad?
ME: Yeah?
HIM: Stop with all the jokeable things.
ME: The..the jokeable things?
ME: Yeah. Stop being so comic.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
How is Your Book Going?
When you get up at 6 almost every morning to go right for a couple of hours, well, it's hard to wake up. But you tell yourself that such discipline will make for a great story later on when you're on your book tour and your book is a best seller. But also, and you try not to think about this, if the book is not a best seller or, in fact, simply never gets done, then you've just gotten out of bed for good damn reason.
When you get up at 6 almost every morning to go right for a couple of hours, well, it's hard to wake up. But you tell yourself that such discipline will make for a great story later on when you're on your book tour and your book is a best seller. But also, and you try not to think about this, if the book is not a best seller or, in fact, simply never gets done, then you've just gotten out of bed for good damn reason.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Oh My Goodness
So I write this little list thing for McSweeney's about Charlie Daniels and his big song, adapted from some thoughts I had for my book. And yes, the list will be part of the book. And the list gets really popular online, gets sent around a bunch, seems to kind of take. And that's the end of it. But no.
Someone illustrated it. I am impressed and deeply flattered. I hope this lubricioustouch person, if that is their real name, knows this.
So I write this little list thing for McSweeney's about Charlie Daniels and his big song, adapted from some thoughts I had for my book. And yes, the list will be part of the book. And the list gets really popular online, gets sent around a bunch, seems to kind of take. And that's the end of it. But no.
Someone illustrated it. I am impressed and deeply flattered. I hope this lubricioustouch person, if that is their real name, knows this.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Can't You Hold It? We're at the UN.
Yeah, this is a photo from Reuters. It's a note to Condoleeza Rice. Hoo boy.
Yeah, this is a photo from Reuters. It's a note to Condoleeza Rice. Hoo boy.
A Question About Every Cell Phone Conversation I Overhear
If all the people who, when they talk on their cell phones, complain endlessly about other people were to have their cell phones snatched from their hands and destroyed, how many cell phones would there be left in the world?
Answer: about six.
If all the people who, when they talk on their cell phones, complain endlessly about other people were to have their cell phones snatched from their hands and destroyed, how many cell phones would there be left in the world?
Answer: about six.
How is Your Book Going?
I interviewed Griel Marcus a few months ago as part of my job at some radio station. He wrote this amazing 293 page history of the Bob Dylan song "Like a Rolling Stone". Before the interview started I asked him how long it took him to write it. He said he had made some notes and did some research but the writing took him two weeks. Two weeks. Two. F-ing. Weeks. I hate Griel Marcus.
I interviewed Griel Marcus a few months ago as part of my job at some radio station. He wrote this amazing 293 page history of the Bob Dylan song "Like a Rolling Stone". Before the interview started I asked him how long it took him to write it. He said he had made some notes and did some research but the writing took him two weeks. Two weeks. Two. F-ing. Weeks. I hate Griel Marcus.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
A Conversation with Charlie (age 4) About Safety
Charlie, Kate, and I were sitting around lighting a Care Bear birthday candle, occasionally singing "Happy Birthday", and blowing the candle out. They got more and more excited and started hovering over the flame, putting themselves in danger of catching their hair on fire.
ME: Hey you guys, you need to scoot back a little. You're too close.
HIM: Why do we need to scoot back.
ME: Well, you know what will happen if you get too close to the flame?
HIM: We will all burn to death?
ME: No! No no. Your hair might catch on fire a little.
HIM: Oh.
ME: You won't burn to...no...
HIM: Oh. Okay.
ME: Hey, you wanna melt the Care Bear's face off?
Charlie, Kate, and I were sitting around lighting a Care Bear birthday candle, occasionally singing "Happy Birthday", and blowing the candle out. They got more and more excited and started hovering over the flame, putting themselves in danger of catching their hair on fire.
ME: Hey you guys, you need to scoot back a little. You're too close.
HIM: Why do we need to scoot back.
ME: Well, you know what will happen if you get too close to the flame?
HIM: We will all burn to death?
ME: No! No no. Your hair might catch on fire a little.
HIM: Oh.
ME: You won't burn to...no...
HIM: Oh. Okay.
ME: Hey, you wanna melt the Care Bear's face off?
Monday, September 12, 2005
How is Your Book Going?
I'm sorry I talked to you like that. I don't...I don't know what came over me. 54 pages of Times New Roman 12 point, single spaced, empty line between graphs. Maybe a sixth of the way through the timeline. If anyone needs me, I'll be at my friend's house.
I'm sorry I talked to you like that. I don't...I don't know what came over me. 54 pages of Times New Roman 12 point, single spaced, empty line between graphs. Maybe a sixth of the way through the timeline. If anyone needs me, I'll be at my friend's house.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Thursday, September 08, 2005
How is Your Book Going?
The book spans a 30 day period. I have written draft covering up to 3pm on the second day. And yet I feel good about things. At this rate the book will be 400,000 pages long. With lots of information about Kid Rock and Charlie Daniels. Sounds like a best seller to me.
The book spans a 30 day period. I have written draft covering up to 3pm on the second day. And yet I feel good about things. At this rate the book will be 400,000 pages long. With lots of information about Kid Rock and Charlie Daniels. Sounds like a best seller to me.
Probably wasn't the best thing to say...
Hanging out at this farm/park with Charlie and Kate the other day. We were sitting down on the grass having a little snack when a middle-aged couple walked by.
GUY: Well it's not hard to tell that those kids are yours! They look just like you!
ME: Yeah, well, that was the plan when I abducted them from the mall.
We left pretty soon after that. One step ahead of Johnny Law.
Hanging out at this farm/park with Charlie and Kate the other day. We were sitting down on the grass having a little snack when a middle-aged couple walked by.
GUY: Well it's not hard to tell that those kids are yours! They look just like you!
ME: Yeah, well, that was the plan when I abducted them from the mall.
We left pretty soon after that. One step ahead of Johnny Law.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Everyone's talking about what Kanye West said...
But it's all about Mike Myers' reaction. See the video.
But it's all about Mike Myers' reaction. See the video.
A Brief Conversation with Charlie (Age 4) About Future Plans
HIM: Dad?
ME: Yeah, bud?
HIM: When I grow up I'm going to be a zookeeper.
ME: Well that sounds like a good fit. I know how much you love animals.
HIM: Yeah. And I'm going to be in the bird exhibit. With all the birds of prey. I'm going to show people the birds and tell them about the birds.
ME: Okay.
HIM: And I'm going to have a pet bird in my home. It's going to be an owl.
ME: A pet owl?
HIM: Named Picky.
ME: Picky?
HIM: Because he likes to pick pick pick at things. And I'll feed him dead mice.
ME: Are you going to live in a house or an apartment?
HIM: An apartment.
ME: By yourself or with someone?
HIM: Just by myself, I think. And my owl.
ME: Named Picky.
HIM: Yeah.
So as a Dad, I'm pretty excited. The future looks bright for my boy, alone in his apartment feeding dead mice to an owl named Picky. What parent wouldn't be proud of that?
HIM: Dad?
ME: Yeah, bud?
HIM: When I grow up I'm going to be a zookeeper.
ME: Well that sounds like a good fit. I know how much you love animals.
HIM: Yeah. And I'm going to be in the bird exhibit. With all the birds of prey. I'm going to show people the birds and tell them about the birds.
ME: Okay.
HIM: And I'm going to have a pet bird in my home. It's going to be an owl.
ME: A pet owl?
HIM: Named Picky.
ME: Picky?
HIM: Because he likes to pick pick pick at things. And I'll feed him dead mice.
ME: Are you going to live in a house or an apartment?
HIM: An apartment.
ME: By yourself or with someone?
HIM: Just by myself, I think. And my owl.
ME: Named Picky.
HIM: Yeah.
So as a Dad, I'm pretty excited. The future looks bright for my boy, alone in his apartment feeding dead mice to an owl named Picky. What parent wouldn't be proud of that?
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Monday, September 05, 2005
How is Your Book Going?
The book is a memoir, of sorts. A memoir of a very short period of time. And I sometimes have trouble with the central conceit of memoir: am I really so interesting that people will want to spend a whole book's worth of time with me? Cause I don't even like myself all that much. But I try not to think of that, or how this paragraph might be used against me in future negative book reviews, and just plow through with the writing. I'm getting Vollman-esque with word count.
The book is a memoir, of sorts. A memoir of a very short period of time. And I sometimes have trouble with the central conceit of memoir: am I really so interesting that people will want to spend a whole book's worth of time with me? Cause I don't even like myself all that much. But I try not to think of that, or how this paragraph might be used against me in future negative book reviews, and just plow through with the writing. I'm getting Vollman-esque with word count.
Friday, September 02, 2005
A Phone Conversation About Charlie (age 4)
ME: Hello?
GUY: Hi, may I speak to Charlie Moe please?
ME: Hmm. Not sure you want to do that. He's four.
GUY: Oh. Um...Well, I'm calling from the Sierra Club...
ME: Oh yes. He's a member.
GUY: Uh, did someone give him a membership as a gift or something?
ME: No, he joined himself. Heard about ANWR, emptied his piggy bank, and signed up. Did it pretty much on his own.
GUY: Oh.
ME: I mean, I could put him on the phone but...
GUY: Right.
ME: He wouldn't be able to...
GUY: Yeah...
(pause)
ME: Okey-dokey. Good bye!
ME: Hello?
GUY: Hi, may I speak to Charlie Moe please?
ME: Hmm. Not sure you want to do that. He's four.
GUY: Oh. Um...Well, I'm calling from the Sierra Club...
ME: Oh yes. He's a member.
GUY: Uh, did someone give him a membership as a gift or something?
ME: No, he joined himself. Heard about ANWR, emptied his piggy bank, and signed up. Did it pretty much on his own.
GUY: Oh.
ME: I mean, I could put him on the phone but...
GUY: Right.
ME: He wouldn't be able to...
GUY: Yeah...
(pause)
ME: Okey-dokey. Good bye!
How is Your Book Going?
As I drove up to the coffee shop at 6:08 this morning, it appeared that the incredibly perky barista wasn't working. And I have to admit I was disappointed. I mock the perky, yet I need them. Turns out she was just wearing a hat. Whew. Good day writing. Got to write about my brother's long-ago assessment of Reagan's foreign policy as "suck(ing) donkey balls".
As I drove up to the coffee shop at 6:08 this morning, it appeared that the incredibly perky barista wasn't working. And I have to admit I was disappointed. I mock the perky, yet I need them. Turns out she was just wearing a hat. Whew. Good day writing. Got to write about my brother's long-ago assessment of Reagan's foreign policy as "suck(ing) donkey balls".
James Wolcott
Is SUCH a good writer, it makes one quake at the idea of being a writer. In this column, he just f-ing brings it. Throws down. Steps to. Read it.
Is SUCH a good writer, it makes one quake at the idea of being a writer. In this column, he just f-ing brings it. Throws down. Steps to. Read it.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Attention Condescending Pet Fish Store Employee
A few things on my mind after today's encounter:
1. I grant that you know a lot about pet fish. But I know a lot about pop music, global politics, and literature.
2. Well, pop music at least.
3. Outside of the store we were standing in, and maybe a handful of other stores, no one will find your specialty all that impressive.
4. Because they're just fish.
5. So, honestly, lay off the 'tude.
6. And it's not my fault that one of the frogs died.
7. No, the other one is fine.
8. If this place had more natural light, I bet it would be harder to clean the tanks cause of algae build up and what not. But it might also help you look, like, healthier.
9. Bye now.
A few things on my mind after today's encounter:
1. I grant that you know a lot about pet fish. But I know a lot about pop music, global politics, and literature.
2. Well, pop music at least.
3. Outside of the store we were standing in, and maybe a handful of other stores, no one will find your specialty all that impressive.
4. Because they're just fish.
5. So, honestly, lay off the 'tude.
6. And it's not my fault that one of the frogs died.
7. No, the other one is fine.
8. If this place had more natural light, I bet it would be harder to clean the tanks cause of algae build up and what not. But it might also help you look, like, healthier.
9. Bye now.
Oh you're not...
"No. Don't...Mr. President...that's really not a good...uh...idea there...isn't there some other kind of dessert...see the thing is cake has all these...connotations...about letting people eat it...when things are bad...Marie Antoinette...there's this hurricane hitting...please, sir, I promise you this is a very bad idea..."
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