How is Your Book Going?

I got through the part about Charlie Daniels' version of Freebird. Next up: the Reagan museum, which I visited without having ingested any food but a big bag of jelly bellies.

You Ask Me Why I Love My Neighborhood Coffeeshop?

Walking in to write tonight, I crossed the street while a car drove by blasting Christian rock power ballad music.

ME: Is there anything worse in the world than Christian rock power ballads?
BARISTA: (instantly) Christian smooth jazz?
ME: Good one. Is there such a thing?
BARISTA: Yes. Oh yes.
ME: How is something like that even...allowed?
BARISTA: I don't know.
ME: Can we stop it?
BARISTA: Not under the current administration.
ME: We need to oppress Christian smooth jazz. Would you agree that we don't need less oppression, just better distribution of the oppression we got?
BARISTA: Yeah, that sounds about right.

How is Your Book Going?

I got to the part where Lee Greenwood ruins the Idaho rodeo for everyone. And I'm past the gun range part and the shopping for Escalades part. Target date for completion of first draft: end of pledge drive at some radio station where I work.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4) About Responsibilities

HIM: Dad, when I grow up I'm going to work at the zoo.
ME: Yeah, you've mentioned that a few times.
HIM: And I'm going to take care of the jaguar.
ME: The jaguar? I thought you were going to be the bird guy.
HIM: I am. But I'll do the jaguar too.
ME: Oh. Okay.
HIM: What does the jaguar eat?
ME: Well, according to the thing we read at the zoo, it eats everything it can find. Rabbits, ducks, deer, even tapirs.
HIM: Then I'll LIIIIIIFT the tapir into the jaguar's cage and say "here jaguar!" and then he'll eat it.
ME: Sounds like a big job.
HIM: Yeah. Dad, do the jaguars eat live tapirs or dead ones?
ME: Live ones.
HIM: Oh good. Then I won't have to shoot the tapir in the head with a gun.

The Most Important Rock Band In The World Plays A Concert

So there's this band called Chicken Starship that...ah...I'm the lead singer of. We dress in chicken suits and play loud fast dumb rocky roll music. This Friday it will occur at the historic Blue Moon Tavern in Seattle. Only rocky roll loyalists are invited. Along with everyone else.

Katrina explained

...by a crazy person.
(via The Corner)

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4) About The Appropriateness of Humor

ME: Hey what do you guys want for breakfast?
HIM: I don't know.
ME: How about an english muffin with dirt all over it?
HIM: No.
ME: Or toast with worms? A big bowl of cereal with bugs crawling around inside?
HIM: Dad?
ME: Yeah?
HIM: Stop with all the jokeable things.
ME: The..the jokeable things?
ME: Yeah. Stop being so comic.

How is Your Book Going?

When you get up at 6 almost every morning to go right for a couple of hours, well, it's hard to wake up. But you tell yourself that such discipline will make for a great story later on when you're on your book tour and your book is a best seller. But also, and you try not to think about this, if the book is not a best seller or, in fact, simply never gets done, then you've just gotten out of bed for good damn reason.

Oh My Goodness

So I write this little list thing for McSweeney's about Charlie Daniels and his big song, adapted from some thoughts I had for my book. And yes, the list will be part of the book. And the list gets really popular online, gets sent around a bunch, seems to kind of take. And that's the end of it. But no.

Someone illustrated it. I am impressed and deeply flattered. I hope this lubricioustouch person, if that is their real name, knows this.

Can't You Hold It? We're at the UN.

Yeah, this is a photo from Reuters. It's a note to Condoleeza Rice. Hoo boy.

A Question About Every Cell Phone Conversation I Overhear

If all the people who, when they talk on their cell phones, complain endlessly about other people were to have their cell phones snatched from their hands and destroyed, how many cell phones would there be left in the world?

Answer: about six.

How is Your Book Going?

I interviewed Griel Marcus a few months ago as part of my job at some radio station. He wrote this amazing 293 page history of the Bob Dylan song "Like a Rolling Stone". Before the interview started I asked him how long it took him to write it. He said he had made some notes and did some research but the writing took him two weeks. Two weeks. Two. F-ing. Weeks. I hate Griel Marcus.

A Conversation with Charlie (age 4) About Safety

Charlie, Kate, and I were sitting around lighting a Care Bear birthday candle, occasionally singing "Happy Birthday", and blowing the candle out. They got more and more excited and started hovering over the flame, putting themselves in danger of catching their hair on fire.

ME: Hey you guys, you need to scoot back a little. You're too close.
HIM: Why do we need to scoot back.
ME: Well, you know what will happen if you get too close to the flame?
HIM: We will all burn to death?
ME: No! No no. Your hair might catch on fire a little.
HIM: Oh.
ME: You won't burn to...no...
HIM: Oh. Okay.
ME: Hey, you wanna melt the Care Bear's face off?

How is Your Book Going?

I'm sorry I talked to you like that. I don't...I don't know what came over me. 54 pages of Times New Roman 12 point, single spaced, empty line between graphs. Maybe a sixth of the way through the timeline. If anyone needs me, I'll be at my friend's house.

How is Your Book Going?

How is MY book going? How is YOUR book going? How about that? Maybe instead of nagging me with your questions, you should look to yourself! Write your own book! Think this is easy? Well, I'm here to tell you...that...(whimper)...I gotta get back to work.

How is Your Book Going?

The book spans a 30 day period. I have written draft covering up to 3pm on the second day. And yet I feel good about things. At this rate the book will be 400,000 pages long. With lots of information about Kid Rock and Charlie Daniels. Sounds like a best seller to me.

What was Pat Leahy doing in Mississippi in the first place?

Karma haunts Cheney.

Probably wasn't the best thing to say...

Hanging out at this farm/park with Charlie and Kate the other day. We were sitting down on the grass having a little snack when a middle-aged couple walked by.

GUY: Well it's not hard to tell that those kids are yours! They look just like you!
ME: Yeah, well, that was the plan when I abducted them from the mall.

We left pretty soon after that. One step ahead of Johnny Law.

What's the best thing about John Roberts?

Apparently, he's hilarious!



(thanks to estimable Wonkette)

Everyone's talking about what Kanye West said...

But it's all about Mike Myers' reaction. See the video.

A Brief Conversation with Charlie (Age 4) About Future Plans

HIM: Dad?
ME: Yeah, bud?
HIM: When I grow up I'm going to be a zookeeper.
ME: Well that sounds like a good fit. I know how much you love animals.
HIM: Yeah. And I'm going to be in the bird exhibit. With all the birds of prey. I'm going to show people the birds and tell them about the birds.
ME: Okay.
HIM: And I'm going to have a pet bird in my home. It's going to be an owl.
ME: A pet owl?
HIM: Named Picky.
ME: Picky?
HIM: Because he likes to pick pick pick at things. And I'll feed him dead mice.
ME: Are you going to live in a house or an apartment?
HIM: An apartment.
ME: By yourself or with someone?
HIM: Just by myself, I think. And my owl.
ME: Named Picky.
HIM: Yeah.

So as a Dad, I'm pretty excited. The future looks bright for my boy, alone in his apartment feeding dead mice to an owl named Picky. What parent wouldn't be proud of that?

How is Your Book Going?

For the first time in my life, I can listen to music on my headphones while I write. Not only that I HAVE to. Even if Uptown Espresso is playing music that I like, I have to listen to it on my own headphones.

How is Your Book Going?

The book is a memoir, of sorts. A memoir of a very short period of time. And I sometimes have trouble with the central conceit of memoir: am I really so interesting that people will want to spend a whole book's worth of time with me? Cause I don't even like myself all that much. But I try not to think of that, or how this paragraph might be used against me in future negative book reviews, and just plow through with the writing. I'm getting Vollman-esque with word count.

A Phone Conversation About Charlie (age 4)

ME: Hello?
GUY: Hi, may I speak to Charlie Moe please?
ME: Hmm. Not sure you want to do that. He's four.
GUY: Oh. Um...Well, I'm calling from the Sierra Club...
ME: Oh yes. He's a member.
GUY: Uh, did someone give him a membership as a gift or something?
ME: No, he joined himself. Heard about ANWR, emptied his piggy bank, and signed up. Did it pretty much on his own.
GUY: Oh.
ME: I mean, I could put him on the phone but...
GUY: Right.
ME: He wouldn't be able to...
GUY: Yeah...
(pause)
ME: Okey-dokey. Good bye!

How is Your Book Going?

As I drove up to the coffee shop at 6:08 this morning, it appeared that the incredibly perky barista wasn't working. And I have to admit I was disappointed. I mock the perky, yet I need them. Turns out she was just wearing a hat. Whew. Good day writing. Got to write about my brother's long-ago assessment of Reagan's foreign policy as "suck(ing) donkey balls".

James Wolcott

Is SUCH a good writer, it makes one quake at the idea of being a writer. In this column, he just f-ing brings it. Throws down. Steps to. Read it.

How is Your Book Going?

Oh. Okay. I think that -- ah-- it's okay. It's good. It's really really...it's okay.

Attention Condescending Pet Fish Store Employee

A few things on my mind after today's encounter:
1. I grant that you know a lot about pet fish. But I know a lot about pop music, global politics, and literature.
2. Well, pop music at least.
3. Outside of the store we were standing in, and maybe a handful of other stores, no one will find your specialty all that impressive.
4. Because they're just fish.
5. So, honestly, lay off the 'tude.
6. And it's not my fault that one of the frogs died.
7. No, the other one is fine.
8. If this place had more natural light, I bet it would be harder to clean the tanks cause of algae build up and what not. But it might also help you look, like, healthier.
9. Bye now.

Oh you're not...

"No. Don't...Mr. President...that's really not a good...uh...idea there...isn't there some other kind of dessert...see the thing is cake has all these...connotations...about letting people eat it...when things are bad...Marie Antoinette...there's this hurricane hitting...please, sir, I promise you this is a very bad idea..."

The Best Song Ever Made By Anyone Ever

For serious.

How is Your Book Going?

Lately I've been going to the West Seattle Uptown Espresso early in the morning (stop in and see me! but don't talk to me! can't you see I'm writing?! what the hell is wrong with you?!) to write for a couple of hours before I start my day. The way it works is this: alarm goes off at 6, I regret ever attempting to get a book deal, I put on the nearest clothes I can find, I drive up to Uptown and get there by 6:10, I get greeted by the perky barista who pours me a huge cup of coffee, I stare at the screen, I write small terrible things for 40 minutes, I kick into gear a little, I start writing faster and faster, despite having no food in me I elect to get a refill of coffee, 7:30 comes around and I'm flying, then I go insane from the lack of sleep and abundance of coffee, then the writing actually gets good, then it's 8:10 and time to stop. I have yet to dare to read anything I've written during these periods.

Camille!

Weather, in times of crisis, can be a stressful job. Apparently.

How is Your Book Going?
This is a question frequently asked by friends and associates who know I'm writing a book. And I don't know how to answer all the time because it's a reeeeeally big process and frankly "how it's going" varies dramatically from day to day and even hour to hour. But the folks asking are good folks and are being friendly and so I don't want to give a flip little cute answer but I also don't have time to answer in depth. So I'm going to attempt to give an update in this space once a day at some point. Also, I'm not quite ready to talk about what the darn book is even about at this point. Maybe later. But it seems like a blog is the perfect place to do something like this. True, I'm seemingly taking on this new writing project in the midst of my biggest writing project ever but um...yeah. So today's update:
It's going well. Lots still to do but its flowing and I suspect I'm going to far far far surpass the minimum word count set forth by my contract. This will give me much to work with and much work to do once the writing is done. Writing is fun, worrying about writing is not.

Oh My.

This is incredibly bloggy but there is some good stuff going on at Kitten War. And while some may enjoy the winningest, all will be more fascinated by the losingest. Thanks to Tina and her estimable blog for the tipoff.

Muppet Re-write

I gave my wife the first season of The Muppet Show on DVD for her birthday. This led to instant muppet obsession on the part of the kids, naturally. And though Charlie (age 4) does not often sing, I heard him softly singing this to himself the other day, "it's time to play the music, it's time to die of fright". And when you think about some of the things on that show, it makes some sense. Like this, this, and this.

A Greatest Hit

Taking a week or so off (I know, I must be exhausted from barely posting all summer) but I found this from like the opening moments of this blog. It's so dated that my son is only two years old and you'll note how I have to be weird enough for both of us whereas by now he's doing that all on his own...

Bumpy's Trip to the Woods: A Critical Overview

Last night, I was playing with my two-year-old son Charlie and he was pretending to put his enormous yellow rabbit, Bumpy, to bed. I should mention that it was by no means a "bed" that we were putting Bumpy in. It was a blanket on the floor. But whatever. After tucking Bumpy in, Charlie decided to tell Bumpy a story, the first one he's ever made up. It goes like this:

"Bumpy and a bear went to the woods. They met another bear. They heard a noise. It wasn't the other bear. It went 'baa baa baa baa'. It was a sheep. The sheep said 'Hello Bumpy. Time to wake up.'"

I don't know where to begin in dissecting this travesty.

To begin with, let's talk characters (although to be honest, that word is perhaps overly flattering to the portraits Charlie created). Bumpy is a strong protagonist: large, yellow, friendly-looking, and huggable. But then we get to the bears. Early in the story, I enjoyed the inclusion of the first bear, the "companion" character as it provided some tension to our protagonist's, Bumpy's, story. While rabbits and bears are not natural enemies, they are not exactly friends either. So why are they in the woods together? What is their agenda? The bear's existence has dramatic potential but the promise is never fulfilled. When it's revealed to be nothing but a silent do-nothing figure, well, that insults the reader and that makes me furious at my son, the author.

But while the first bear at least has squandered potential, the second bear has no place at all. Is it meant to be a red herring, trying to lure the listener into thinking that there is a major ursine twist to come? Is it merely a stalling technique by an inexperienced author who can't bring himself to set down the pen and think a situation through? No one knows, especially not the author.

If you can call him an author.

Some elements of the storyare promising. "Animals going into the woods" is a solid premise. Keep in mind, both rabbits and bears are supposed to live in the woods. Are Bumpy and his nameless companion returning to their ancestral home? Rejecting their lives in the world of humans and beginning a potentially problematic reassimilation into the wild? Or are they simply visiting? Going back to all the same old rustic haunts and reminiscing in that patronizing way that big city folk do when they go back to their old middle-American high school towns? Will they come to realize that their rustic cousins are not so dumb after all? Could this, with heavy workshopping, be a zoological Doc Hollywood? If that's the case, perhaps the second bear has a role after all. Is there a prodigal bear narrative that merits exploration? There might be a story there.

But the operative word is might. Charlie doesn't pursue it. Is that because he's lazy? Or because he's two? The reader doesn't care, the reader wants to be captivated, and Charlie fails to deliver.

Whatever my son has tried to construct in terms of an arc falls apart when we arrive at this ridiculous sheep character. It's all so facile: the rabbit and the bear, forest creatures, enter the woods and discover the sheep a meadow animal. Forgetting for a moment Charlie's clumsy and obvious introduction of the animal (do we need four full "baa"s to realize it's a sheep?), this habitat switcheroo is just another hamfisted attempt to arrive at the already tired "fish out of water" scenario. Maybe that premise is fresh when you're two.

Speaking of things that aren't fresh, let's talk about the ending. "Hello Bumpy. Time to wake up." Some Charlie enthusiasts will claim that he's deconstructing the very idea of the bedtime story. Not only is Bumpy the story's hero, he is also the one being read the story and by telling him, through the sheep, to wake up, some would argue that Charlie is attacking bedtime story convention and even making a political statement against the tyranny of bedtime. A sort of updated "Being John Malkovich". "Being Bumpy". And while "Bumpy's Trip to the Woods" is sure to score points among fellow anti-sleep toddlers, it's pandering. It's like making Ashcroft jokes at an ACLU meeting. And it does nothing to mitigate the hackneyed "all a dream" conclusion. It's not novel, it's not shocking, and it's not even innovative. It's "Dorothy wakes up" for the sippy-cup generation and it's an insult to all the readers who have invested themselves in these characters' struggles.

Does Charlie have the potential to be a great story teller? To produce the next Hamlet or Ulysses or Goodnight Moon? Well, he's still young. But I'm done working with him until he starts taking this a little more seriously.

At the coffee shop this morning

Sitting outside to get away from the oppressively loud Stevie Wonder music being played inside, huddled over the laptop, trying to write a book.
CHEERFUL BARISTA: Hey! Working hard or hardly working?
ME: Working hard.
CHEERFUL BARISTA: Oh.

Turns out a straight answer kills a good-natured cliche' joke every time. Good to know.

Why The Interweb Is Good

Without BoingBoing, we might never know about beautifully strange things like this.

The Wrong Turn Taken

When you start having dreams about where you're watching documentaries on television, that's not a good sign, right? That's a sign that maybe something has become sort of tedious. The dream documentary I watched last night was about Eddie Vedder's early career as a child actor. Then today, I heard a Pearl Jam song and thought, "what was that sitcom that Eddie Vedder was on when he was a kid?" And the answer is that he wasn't on any except in the tedious visions I saw at night. Thanks a lot, dull Sandman.

Wisdom

So I said, 'Ma'am, may I speak with you first?' I took her to the galley. I said, 'This is probably going to help your flying career. When a man gets on the plane at 6 a.m., and he's 7-foot-5, and he's drunk, don't bring him tools!'"

A Thing I Wrote on McSweeney's

As part of the research for my book, I ended up listening to a lot of Charlie Daniels Band music this summer. Like, a LOT. And though I thought I understood his big hit song, some things didn't add up.

A Plan for the Nomenclature of Swimming Frogs

Turns out we're going to get swimming frogs. I'm told they're easy to take care of and are just delighted to swim and live in a bowl and be friends with other frogs and fish. And so we told Charlie that we'll get four, one for each member of the family.

So in the car yesterday:
JILL: We could get four frogs. And then we'd each have one.
ME: I'll name mine "Dad".
JILL: I'll name mine "Mom".
KATE: I name mine "Kate"!
CHARLIE: I'm going to name my frog "Sword". Then I'll wake up in the morning and say "Hi, Sword"!

UPDATE: we picked the frogs up at the store today. Turns out they're called Dwarf Frogs. Because of course they are.

My Daughter Kate Sucks at "Guess the Animal"
(on a recent vacation in Montana, driving the whole way, lots of time in a car with two small kids, playing a question and answer game of "Guess the Animal")
CHARLIE: I'm thinking of an animal.
KATE: Pig!
ME: Is it alive today or extinct?
CHARLIE: Extinct.
ME: Is it from the Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous, or after the Cretaceous?
CHARLIE: Cretaceous.
KATE: Pig!
CHARLIE: No Kate! It's not a piiiiiiig!
JILL: Is it a meat eater or a plant eater?
CHARLIE: Meat eater.
ME: So it's an extinct meat eater from the Cretaceous.
JILL: Hmm.
KATE: Hmmm. Pig?
ME: Is it an enormous prehistoric carnivorous pig, Charlie?
CHARLIE: No!!!

How to Impress One's Animal-Obsessed Son

Charlie cannot consume enough information on animals eating other animals. Just wants to know about it all the time. So I told him about this that I read about on Boing Boing. And now I'm The Coolest Dad Ever.

In Other News...

Blogging died again.

An Incident at the Zoo

Looking at Nigerian dwarf goats with Charlie (age 4) and Kate (age 2 1/2 and a dwarf herself). Some poor kid who didn't know any better also looking at the goats.

KID: Mommy! Look at the baby goats!
CHARLIE: Hey! They're not babies! They're grown-up goats! They're just dwarf goats!
KID: Oh. I...uh...
CHARLIE: They're regular grown-up goats! Don't call them babies!
ME: That's right, son. And they can do anything that any other goat can do.
(KID wanders away, stunned, meanwhile Kate, who Charlie was trying to protect with the tirade, was already off to see the bunnies)

A Conversation with Charlie, Age 4, Regarding Strategy

HIM: Dad, why does Bush always attack?
ME: Well he doesn't always attack.
HIM: When he gets mad he does. When he hates someone he attacks them and tries to hurt them and kill them.
ME: Oh. Well. Umm...
HIM: So why does Bush do that?
ME: Let's get back to the book we're reading about the, uh, dinosaurs here.

A Conversation with Charlie (age 4)

in the car this morning, on the way to preschool, listening to an NPR report about the latest bombing in Iraq
HIM: Why did hundreds of people get killed?
ME: Oh...well...there was -- is-- a big fight going on. Far away from here. And a lot of people are fighting. And some of them died.
HIM: We need to stop that!
ME: Yeah. That would be good.
HIM: We need to take a rock and throw it into the building. Put it on a big stick and throw it and have it crash!
ME: And that would stop the fight?
HIM: Yeah!
ME: Because people would be scared?
HIM: Yeah!
ME: Oh.

A Brief Conversation with Charlie (age 4) About Politics and Conservation:

HIM: Dad, are there bad guys?
ME: Yeah, I suppose there are.
HIM: Do we know any bad guys?
ME: No. No, I don't think we do.
HIM: Is Bush a bad guy?
ME: Bush?
HIM: The President. Bush. Is he a bad guy?
ME: Well, I think he really believes that...uh...well, some people have different opinions than other people...uh...
HIM: But he wants to drill in the arctic! And that will hurt the animals! We have to stop him and make him go away! People need to stop building so many houses! We have to stop Bush! People shouldn't drive their cars so much!
ME: Hey, get your shoes on.

There's Nothing Not Funny About...

this. (thanks BoingBoing)

NBA Fever!

Catch it! Repeatedly and more repeatedly!

NBA Update

A thing I wished I had written.

A thing I wrote under a fake name.

A Brief Conversation with Charlie (age 4) While Preparing Crab for Dinner

HIM: Is this crab dead?
ME: Oh yeah. It's definitely dead.
HIM: How did it die?
ME: Well, how do you think it died?
HIM: Hmmm. Did he kill himself?
ME: No! No no. He didn't do that.
HIM: I think he did.

A Brief Update

So it turns out I'm writing a book. It's tentatively planned, I don't even want to say scheduled, for October of 2006. This is something I've been working toward for a long while and I'm grateful that it's happening. Not sure what it means for this blog but my intention is to keep it going. You probably won't need to check it more than about once a week but I will endeavor to post whenever I can.

A Very Brief Conversation with Charlie (age 4)

ME: Hey it's lunchtime. What do you want for lunch? Sandwich?
HIM: No! I want extinct cat meat.

USS Mariner has some interesting and troubling observations about the Mariner Moose.

The Three Stages of Waiting for a Restroom at a Teriyaki Place Near My Work

0-2 minutes - someone is peeing
2-5 minutes - someone is going to the bathroom in another way
5 minutes + - heroin/go elsewhere

Oh it won't help your productivity any...

But it's a lovely way to spend some time as you remember Mitch Hedberg who died on March 30 of heart failure.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4) About Theology

(scene: we're at a local bakery looking through a storybook of Jack & The Beanstalk. We get to the part about the guy selling Jack the beans and the guy in the illustration looks like a dwarf. I decide to use it for my ongoing "dwarf awareness campaign".)

ME: You see that man? He's a dwarf.
HIM: He is? A dwarf?
ME: I think he is.
(very long pause)
HIM: I think he's God.

So really, the dwarf appreciation thing is going well but the idea of dwarfs being just like anyone else is not working out so good.

Authors have websites

When you aim to write a book, you're going to need a website to promote them so you don't look like such a schmuck when you blow your advance on tacos and pet pigs. Turns out really good, really interesting writers sometimes have outstandingly interesting websites. When my book comes out (2006, I believe) I hope it will be interesting and good. (thanks to the estimable Killing My Lobster for the link)

I was trying to think of a gag

but Defective Yeti is better than me.

Marvin Gaye and Grapevines

I got this thing up on McSweeney's today.

There are more famous and successful athletes.

But Paul Shirley is one of my new favorites.
Sample:

"I really felt like I had a stellar set of games. Min: 0, TP: 0, FG%: Undefined. Bravo."

How To Be A Terrible Father

Needed:
1 screaming two-year-old
It being six in the goddamn morning

1. Go to two-year-old's room
2. Listen to her angrily demand not just "Mama" but "Mama Mama Mama Mama! Maaaa-maaaa!"
3. Pick her up and carry her around the house, talking to her in soothing tones
4. see step 2
5. Offer her cereal, a banana, juice, anything in the kitchen
6. see step 2
7. Evaluate future self-hatred against short-term convenience
8. Ask two-year-old if she wants to go downstairs and watch Sesame Street
9. Listen to her say "Yeah!" with more joy and conviction than any human, regardless of age, could seemingly muster
10. Plop her down
11. Turn it on
12. Go back to bed
13. Hate self
14. Fall asleep for another 30 minutes

SYNOPSES OF THE LOST MARX BROTHERS’ MADE FOR TELEVISION MOVIES ON THE LIFETIME NETWORK

A teenage girl (Haylie Duff) rebels against her authoritarian parents (Meredith Baxter-Birney, Harpo) by dating an older man (Groucho). Things get out of control when the man turns out to be marked by the mob. A notorious mafia assassin (Chico) comes to town to settle the score, placing the whole family in danger.

A rising star lawyer (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) thinks she’s landed a dream job until her new boss (Harpo) starts making sexual advances. Her only friend at the firm, a brilliant but troubled young attorney (Chico), pledges to help her but turns up missing under suspicious circumstances. Now she must defend her career and honor in front of an eccentric judge (Groucho).

A high school football player (Harpo) is a star on the field in a small Texas town, but he’s acting strange and erratic at home. His mother (Jaclyn Smith) suspects steroid use. But is she strong enough to confront the powerful football coach (Groucho) and the crooked high school principal (Chico)?

A lonely woman (Valerie Bertinelli) meets the man of her dreams (Chico) online. But an arranged meeting turns terrifying as he kidnaps her and takes her to an isolated Utah compound. There she meets the charismatic leader of a dangerous religious cult (Harpo) but also another lost soul (Groucho) with whom she plots escape.

A friendly encounter with an auto mechanic (Groucho) seems innocent enough to a divorced mother (Delta Burke) until he starts coming by her house late at night and making threats. The local police chief (Harpo) brushes off her concern and as the obsession turns increasingly dangerous, she must turn to her estranged husband (Chico).

A weeklong honeymoon on a sailing boat turns dangerous for a young couple (Justine Bateman, Harry Hamlin) when they meet up with a charming sea captain (Groucho) who turns out to be a drug smuggler. Soon they are on the run from pirates (Chico, James Brolin) and a crooked DEA agent (Harpo).

An idealistic college graduate (Sara Gilbert) takes a Peace Corps position in the country of Freedonia. Soon she finds herself at the center of political turmoil between the newly appointed ruler (Groucho) and a pair of spies (Chico, Harpo). Also, another man (Zeppo) does very little and contributes nothing to the film.

A dedicated medical school graduate (Shannen Doherty) shocks her parents (Dabney Coleman, Margaret Dumont) by taking a job in a remote part of Alaska. There, she must overcome the skepticism of the chief of the native tribe (Groucho), the resistance of local lumberjacks (Chico, Greg Evigan, Richard Moll), and a bear (Harpo).

A photographer (Cheryl Ladd) unwittingly takes a picture of a murderer (Chico) disposing of a body (Margaret Dumont). She finds help, and love, in a dedicated newspaper editor (Groucho) as they try to prove what she saw was real, all the while being hunted by the murderer’s henchman (Harpo).

A single mother (Dana Delaney) is accused of child abuse by the couple next door (Chico, Heather Locklear) and soon finds herself in a custody battle with an ambitious social worker (Groucho). Now she must take on the system to prove her fitness for motherhood, expose corruption, and win back her baby (Harpo).

An enterprising woman (Pam Dawber) moves to a small town to fulfill her dream of opening a bakery. She finds love with a local attorney (Groucho) but encounters trouble when the town reveals its terrible secrets (Chico, Harpo).

Remember that time you asked me to show you a disturbing music video where Olympic sprinter Carl Lewis sings and seems like a children's television version of Grace Jones?

Well here you go.

Have I mentioned lately...

How much I love Strindberg & Helium? Well, now I have.

First Mario leaves now this!

They're going to be drilling in ANWAR? What? Huh?

In Other News...

Blogging is dead. Kottke linked to the New York Times article that points to the all-new and inexplicably existent Rosie O'Donnell blog.

A Conversation with Charlie (age 4) Regarding Long-Range Goals

HIM: When I grow up, I'm going to be a zookeeper. I am going to run the zoo.
ME: That's great. What will be in your zoo?
HIM: Lions. And gazelles and zebras. And they'll all be in the same cage and the lions will chase the gazelles and the zebras. And catch them and kill them and eat them.
ME: Wow. What kind of zoo is this?
HIM: Well...a city zoo.
ME: Yeah, sounds like it.

Well, I for one am spamused.

Through the estimable blog of the legendary Lore, I found Spamusement. It is Spamazing.

cwm_at_npr

Reason #114 to send in your pledge of support: facilities upgrades.

The Greatest of All Time

Well, okay Michael Jordan is pretty good at basketball. But when it comes to voice-over work? Not so much. (a few items down) (thanks to the estimable Wizznutzz).

I was in a store yesterday

And the radio station, a "continuous soft hits" station, announced that coming up would be "Extreme Jim Croce".

I thought, that can mean three different things:

1. Lots of Croce songs
2. An unholy remix of Croce and those "More Than Words" dudes
3. The most unsuccessful Mountain Dew flavor ever

You add a hotheaded story about hot dogs to your blog...

And suddenly all your new Google Adsense ads are about hot dogs.
Wait, I just mentioned hot dogs again - ah! a third time! -- now I'll always be stuck with hot dog ads! Four times! Porn porn porn porn.

Nobody Believes Me About The Volcanoes

CHARLIE (age 4): Dad, what comes out of a volcano? Meat?
ME: Meat?
CHARLIE: It's meat, right?
ME: No! There's no meat in volcanoes!
CHARLIE: Yes there is you're just joking right?
ME: I swear there's no meat in volcanoes.
CHARLIE: What is there?
ME: Well there's steam. Steam comes out of volcanoes.
KATE (age 2): No!
ME: Yes! Steam! Look, here's a picture in the paper of steam coming out of a volcano. It's called Mt. St. Helen's.
CHARLIE: What else comes out of a volcano?
ME: Well, ash. Steam. Lava.
CHARLIE: Hot lava?
ME: Yes.
CHARLIE: Okay. Yes. Right. (pause) And meat.

The Imminent Threat of Chickens

(note: I understand from Defective Yeti that some radio station did some segment on parenting blogs the other night. Details are sketchy.)

So I was at Kelsey Creek Farm yesterday with Charlie, who is four years old. And there were some chickens walking around as they often do there. And then things got dark.

HIM: Dad, can I say hi to the chickens?
ME: Sure. Go ahead.
HIM: Hello, chickens. How are you today?
ME: (beaming with pride over my son's empathy and kind soul)
HIM: Are you looking for seeds? Or are you looking for grains? Or insects? Or are you hunting for human skin?
ME: What?! Human skin?
HIM: Are they looking for the skin of people to eat, Dad?
ME: What? No, I don't...I hope not. Where did you hear about that?
HIM: I just thought about it.

Oh My

Brown Zogg will command the bird armies.

The Home Improvement Plan

So Charlie, who is four years old, thinks that the recent siding put on the house does not go far enough in improving our house. He proposes, for our wee little front yard, that we acquire some large animals. Specifically, he's pushing for us to obtain a yak, a musk ox, a buffalo, and a bison ("Aren't a buffalo and a bison the same thing, Charlie?" "No! You're just joking, right Dad?")
ME: How are we going to get these animals?
HIM: We'll have to go to Montana. We will drive to Montana and get them there.
ME: We only have, like, a station wagon. How are we going to get them back home?
HIM: They can be on skateboards.
ME: Can yaks ride skateboards?
HIM: No, we'll drag them behind the car. We'll need some ropes.
ME: That sounds dangerous.
HIM: We'll get them some helmets. We'll get REALLY big helmets for the yak, the musk ox, the buffalo, and the bison.
ME: What about the horns?
HIM: Mom will cut holes in the helmets for the animals to put their horns through.
ME: Well. Okay. Sounds like we're all set then.

The Rocky Roll Band In Which I Sing...

Now sells stuff. I like the trucker hat.

Take Care of the Children

So I'm in this Seattle area hot dog place. Only other customers are a woman reading People magazine and her son, about six years old. He announces that he needs to pee really bad and wants his mom to come with him. She doesn't even answer. He reiterates his need. She tells him that the bathroom is right there. She asks him to please go with her. Then his Dad comes in, meeting them for lunch. He just rubs his wife's back while she reads People. Son asks Dad to come with him to the bathroom. Dad refuses. Kid's going crazy. Meanwhile I'm sitting there with a hot dog in a room where the only topic is URINE.
At this point, sentient and sensible parents will maybe realize that the thing to do is to take your kid to the friggin' bathroom as there are people trying to eat around there who really don't want to hear about pee anymore. Maybe a decent parent would think that maybe there are other people in the place.
So I took my hot dog and walked to the door. And I stopped and said "You know, maybe some people would rather eat their hot dogs without having to hear about urine. I sure wish you'd do something about that in the future."

(shudder)

there's this.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4)

HIM: Dad, what's your middle name?
ME: Erling.
HIM: (incredulous) Erling?!
ME: Yep. It was my dad's name. His first name.
HIM: Did he die?
ME: Yes, he did.
HIM: So now Uncle Rick is your dad.
ME: No, that's not how it works. Grandpa Moe is still my dad.
HIM: Oh. How so?
ME: He just is. You pretty much just get the one dad.
HIM: Can I be your dad?
ME: You? I don't know about that.
HIM: Can I? I'll be your dad! Do you think that's a good idea?
ME: Well...can I still be your dad, too?
HIM: Yes!

That's No Bargain

NPR runs this underwriting spot that mentions a special chair that's supposed to be all great and everything. And then they give the URL which is sitforless.com. And I'm thinking, sit for less? But sitting isn't supposed to cost anything.

Yeah, it's okay...

But I wonder how much better Are We There Yet would be if it starred MC Ren instead.

Parent Snobbery

Okay, so when you say "I know what it's like to have kids, I have a dog" or "I don't have kids but I have nieces and nephews so I know what it's like", well, I'm sorry. I know you mean well. But I've had dogs, nieces and nephews, and kids and I know the difference. it's sort of like talking to a World War II veteran and saying "I know what that must have been like cause I got in an argument with someone once."

So I took a month off. Sorry.

A conversation with Charlie (age 4) about why I wasn't at work yesterday

ME: You know why I'm not at work today?
HIM: Is it Sunday?
ME: No. It's Martin Luther King Day. It's a day that kids don't go to school and a lot of people don't go to work and we remember what a man named Martin Luther King did.
HIM: Did he die?
ME: Well, yeah. He did.
HIM: Why?
ME: I'll get to that. The deal with Martin Luther King was that he thought people should all be together. Like, you know how your friend Will has darker skin than you? And how Will's dad has darker skin?
HIM: And I have bright skin!
ME: Or light skin. Yeah. Well, it used to be that he would have to go to different schools than you and not get to eat in the same restaurants or use the same bathrooms as you. And Martin Luther King and a bunch of other people thought that wasn't right.
HIM: Like my fish! My fish had lighter skin in the summer and it turned dark in the fall.
ME: Well, that's kind of another thing. I'm talking about people.
HIM: And I'm talking about fish.
ME: But Martin Luther King was a person. And he worked hard so that everyone could be together. And once a year we have a holiday, like Christmas or Thanksgiving, to remind ourselves of that work.
HIM: How did he die?
ME: Well, they shot him. People didn't want all that to happen so they shot him. But we try to make it happen anyway.
(long pause)
HIM: I want to talk about my fish some more.

The House of Flying Daggers

It's a movie that opens this weekend.

I gotta think if you're a real estate agent, that's going to be a hard house to sell.

Buyers would tour the place and try to be polite:
"No, I like the closet space, there was plenty of that. Yeah, and the location is fantastic, you're right, close to schools and shopping. The kitchen was beautiful, I can tell it was recently remodeled and the commercial grade stove and fridge are really great. No, I loved the bathroom with the clawfoot tub and the antique fixtures and all that. The thing is, I just can't imagine really feeling comfortable living here with all the flying daggers. Yes, actually, there are a lot of them. Look, there goes one now. No, you're wrong, it IS a problem. I've already been stabbed four times. Can we please look at some other houses now? I know it's priced to sell but it just doesn't feel like home to me. Yes, precisely because of the flying daggers."

Thoughts on the Sonics.

- Danny Fortson dominates the game when he's in. It doesn't even show up in the stats but it's just a different game when he's in there. Either he's crashing the post or people think he's going to. Either he's grabbing a rebound or everyone wonders if he will. Also he went with a fetching top of the head ponytail, Barbara Eden-style, instead of the pig tails last night.
- Luke Ridnour. He's good. He's fast, he can shoot, and he seems like a robot. Seriously, dude has no personality. It's like having a basketball cyborg on your team.
- Nick Collison. Oh yeah, having one of the best college players in the country on your team, and a guy who actually played all four years in college, that's a good thing. It means he's probably good at playing basketball.
- Reggie Evans is the classic beefy sidekick who doesn't need the spotlight but helps in the game. He's the Chewbacca of the team. The Rerun of the team. When they make a movie of the '04-'05 Sonics, he'll be played by John C. Reilly.
- Jerome James. Contract year. He's playing well because he knows that if the team wins and he does precisely what he's told, he might just fool people one more time into thinking he's a good player. That's why he's smiling all the time.
- Rashard Lewis. Rashard does not want to make decisions. He does not want to lead the team. He doesn't want to decide if we should go out for Thai or Mexican. He can't make up his mind about seeing that new Hugh Grant movie or the Jim Carrey thing. He doesn't really care whether we spend Christmas with his family or your family. He's the guy who finally gets the overbearing girlfriend (Ray) and it totally works out for everyone. It's not even that he's whipped, he just needs someone to tell him what to do.

America?

Well, yes. (caution: cussing)

A Conversation With Charlie, Age 4

HIM: And in Ice Age (a film he has never seen) the woolly mammoth fights with the saber-toothed tiger!
ME: Oh, is that what happens?
HIM: Dad, I want to have a fight party. Can we have a fight party where everyone fights?
ME: Well, you know the first rule of fight party.
HIM: What?
ME: Don't talk about fight party.
HIM: No. It's just a party where everyone fights. The woolly mammoth falls into a crack in the glacier and dies.

A Conversation in the car with Charlie, on his last day of being three years old (Saturday)

CHARLIE: I think I might throw up.
ME: Really? Seriously? Do you feel like you're going to?
CHARLIE: I don't know. Maybe.
ME: Well...uh...what do you think?
CHARLIE: I guess we'll just have to wait and find out whether I will or not.
ME: Okay. Okay.
CHARLIE: Because we'll know soon enough.

I Was Very Spiteful at Starbucks

BARISTA: Would you like a pastry?
ME: Yes. A cinnamon twist, please.
BARISTA: Okay but you have to do the twist first!
ME: If that is a requirement, I will opt for a different pastry.
BARISTA: Oh. I was just joking. Most people do it.
ME: I'd also like a tall drip coffee. Got any jokes about that?
BARISTA: (cowed) No. No, I don't.
ME: Well then maybe you shouldn't start something that you're not prepared to finish. Maybe you should think about that before you step to me.

What a dick I was. My goodness. But then, she really shouldn't have thrown down.

Sorry.

Been psychically ill. I don't often do this but really, go watch the new Strongbad.

Ladies and Gentlemen...
The President of the United States

Well, you should really see it.

Triumph in Spin Alley.

Things What Have Been Written

My rumination on Dagwood Bumstead's various issues is up on McSweeney's today.


And here's something I wrote that may be up somewhere else sometime but is here today:

EXCERPTS FROM MY UNSUCCESSFUL AUDITION FOR VH-1’S “I LOVE THE 80’S”

The Rubik’s what? No I’m sorry, I’ve never—is that a math thing? No? Rubik’s Cube. Never heard of it. Pass.

Pat Benatar! Oh yeah! Remember in that one video she was an angry whore and started dancing with all the other angry whores? One time, and this is totally unrelated to Pat Benatar and that video, I stabbed someone.

Oh you bet I had Pac-Man Fever! I played a lot of Pac-Man in the 80’s and what was really funny is that it compounded my loneliness and isolation. The higher score I reached in the game, the lower my emotional ebb. It was a cycle. And then I kept playing, looking for some sort of sense of self-worth, you know, by getting a good score. But you always lose in the end. The ghosts consume you. Just like in life.

Jump! Van Halen! Yeah, they sure looked like they were having fun in that video. You know, funny thing, that song is actually about someone contemplating suicide and David Lee Roth is urging them to do it. Do it. Do it. Doooooooo it. But to me, that’s every Van Halen song. “Hot for Teacher”, “Running with the Devil”. They all urge the same thing. It’s code. But not the Sammy songs. Sammy is Love.

Yes, I’m aware that you have a security guard standing over there. For whatever that’s worth.

Hey, listen, I loved Beverly Hills Cop but I gotta tell you, as someone who’s been up close and personal with the Beverly Hills PD, they are not as funny as Eddie Murphy!...What? No, I wasn’t listening to Corey Feldman’s answer. Did he say the same thing I did? That must be a coincidence…I realize I was in the lobby when he was taping. Are you calling me a liar? Are you? ARE YOU?!

Atari? I’m…uh…is that a Japanese thing? Like a movie monster? I’m sorry. Pass.

Well, the 80’s were all about Ronald Reagan. The Gipper! I’ll never forget when he supported the brutal governments of El Salvador and Guatemala while funding the Contras in Nicaragua in their effort to overthrow a democratically elected leader. Thousands of people died! He was the great communicator!

Oh, I don’t think any of us from that generation will forget the Just Say No campaign. Nancy Reagan. Just Say No. And you know, it worked for everything. Especially attempts by my family to help me. Just Say No! NO!

Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love video was fantastic. All those girls with lobotomies playing instruments. I’m addicted to love too! But I’ve been in withdrawal my whole life, if you know what I mean! Because we live in a world of emotional nihilism. Robert Palmer. Dead now.

“Where everybody knows your name/ And they’re always glad you came”. Oh, I loved Cheers. Watched it every week. And I would always think the same thing: I could probably beat most of that cast in a fight. Not like if they all ganged up, but one at a time? Think about it: Shelley Long? Easy. George Wendt? John Ratzenberger? I’d whup them no problem. Kirstie Alley is tall but one punch and she goes down. Danson might be tough but I fight dirty. Yeah, I think about that all the time. Still. Today. On my way over, I was thinking about it. “You wanna be where everybody knows your name.” Yeah, I’ll teach you MY name.

Duran Duran. That’s not a real thing is it? You’re making that up.

War Games. Great movie. Matthew Broderick. Dabney Coleman. Great movie. And it really happened. Not just based on a true story, though, they filmed it at NORAD and all the equipment was live. That’s why it’s such an awesome movie. It’s authentic! You think those people were acting? It’s no joke, man. But you’ll never hear about it because the Zionists don’t want you to.

If I get this job, do you pay in cash?

Things What I Have Written

1. My piece on Dagwood Bumstead's intervention is up on McSweeney's today.


Here's another thing I wrote that may turn up somewhere but is here today:

EXCERPTS FROM MY UNSUCCESSFUL AUDITION FOR VH-1’S “I LOVE THE 80’S”

The Rubik’s what? No I’m sorry, I’ve never—is that a math thing? No? Rubik’s Cube. Never heard of it. Pass.

Pat Benatar! Oh yeah! Remember in that one video she was an angry whore and started dancing with all the other angry whores? One time, and this is totally unrelated to Pat Benatar and that video, I stabbed someone.

Oh you bet I had Pac-Man Fever! I played a lot of Pac-Man in the 80’s and what was really funny is that it compounded my loneliness and isolation. The higher score I reached in the game, the lower my emotional ebb. It was a cycle. And then I kept playing, looking for some sort of sense of self-worth, you know, by getting a good score. But you always lose in the end. The ghosts consume you. Just like in life.

Jump! Van Halen! Yeah, they sure looked like they were having fun in that video. You know, funny thing, that song is actually about someone contemplating suicide and David Lee Roth is urging them to do it. Do it. Do it. Doooooooo it. But to me, that’s every Van Halen song. “Hot for Teacher”, “Running with the Devil”. They all urge the same thing. It’s code. But not the Sammy songs. Sammy is Love.

Yes, I’m aware that you have a security guard standing over there. For whatever that’s worth.

Hey, listen, I loved Beverly Hills Cop but I gotta tell you, as someone who’s been up close and personal with the Beverly Hills PD, they are not as funny as Eddie Murphy!...What? No, I wasn’t listening to Corey Feldman’s answer. Did he say the same thing I did? That must be a coincidence…I realize I was in the lobby when he was taping. Are you calling me a liar? Are you? ARE YOU?!

Atari? I’m…uh…is that a Japanese thing? Like a movie monster? I’m sorry. Pass.

Well, the 80’s were all about Ronald Reagan. The Gipper! I’ll never forget when he supported the brutal governments of El Salvador and Guatemala while funding the Contras in Nicaragua in their effort to overthrow a democratically elected leader. Thousands of people died! He was the great communicator!

Oh, I don’t think any of us from that generation will forget the Just Say No campaign. Nancy Reagan. Just Say No. And you know, it worked for everything. Especially attempts by my family to help me. Just Say No! NO!

Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love video was fantastic. All those girls with lobotomies playing instruments. I’m addicted to love too! But I’ve been in withdrawal my whole life, if you know what I mean! Because we live in a world of emotional nihilism. Robert Palmer. Dead now.

“Where everybody knows your name/ And they’re always glad you came”. Oh, I loved Cheers. Watched it every week. And I would always think the same thing: I could probably beat most of that cast in a fight. Not like if they all ganged up, but one at a time? Think about it: Shelley Long? Easy. George Wendt? John Ratzenberger? I’d whup them no problem. Kirstie Alley is tall but one punch and she goes down. Danson might be tough but I fight dirty. Yeah, I think about that all the time. Still. Today. On my way over, I was thinking about it. “You wanna be where everybody knows your name.” Yeah, I’ll teach you MY name.

Duran Duran. That’s not a real thing is it? You’re making that up.

War Games. Great movie. Matthew Broderick. Dabney Coleman. Great movie. And it really happened. Not just based on a true story, though, they filmed it at NORAD and all the equipment was live. That’s why it’s such an awesome movie. It’s authentic! You think those people were acting? It’s no joke, man. But you’ll never hear about it because the Zionists don’t want you to.

If I get this job, do you pay in cash?

Truth Revealed About Bush Bulge!

Listen here!

Our President Seems Animated
Really animated.