Thursday, March 24, 2005

How To Be A Terrible Father

1 screaming two-year-old
It being six in the goddamn morning

1. Go to two-year-old's room
2. Listen to her angrily demand not just "Mama" but "Mama Mama Mama Mama! Maaaa-maaaa!"
3. Pick her up and carry her around the house, talking to her in soothing tones
4. see step 2
5. Offer her cereal, a banana, juice, anything in the kitchen
6. see step 2
7. Evaluate future self-hatred against short-term convenience
8. Ask two-year-old if she wants to go downstairs and watch Sesame Street
9. Listen to her say "Yeah!" with more joy and conviction than any human, regardless of age, could seemingly muster
10. Plop her down
11. Turn it on
12. Go back to bed
13. Hate self
14. Fall asleep for another 30 minutes

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