Super Bowl II

I don't care how CBS and Justin Timberlake try to spin it like it was an accident, I think it was totally inappropriate to "accidentally" rip off Janet Jackson's emotional exterior and reveal her beast. I know that these days people trot out their beasts all the time. Heck, if you pick up the Ambercomber Finks catalog it's full of nubile women and their jackals, wolverines, wild boars, and shrews. I think she should only show her beasts to her husband DeBarge. And besides, isn't a beast more enticing when we don't know what it looks like? We could imagine that Janet might have had a hedgehog or a lemur or an ocelot down there. But instead they go and reveal her beast on national television: a badger. It's not sexy and not right for TV.

Super Bowl

I don't care how CBS and Justin Timberlake try to spin it like it was an accident, I think it was totally inappropriate to "accidentally" rip off Janet Jackson's emotional exterior and reveal her soul. I know that these days you can see people's souls in movies all the time and, heck, even in the Abercromber Finch catalog but I guess I'm old fashioned. I think she should only share her soul with her husband DeBarge. And besides, isn't a soul more enticing when we don't know what it looks like? We could imagine that Janet's soul contained a longing for freedom from the constraints of celebrity or a virulent hatred of dogs (I'm just blue-skying here). But instead they go and reveal her soul on national television. It's not sexy and not right for TV.

It Would Have Been a Good Story Regardless

But the poignant little scooter makes it a classic.

Scene from the future

Spouse: What do you mean you got fired from your job?
You: Well, you see there was this game involving a yeti and a penguin and a club...

(thanks to the inevitable Dave Barry)

Political Insight Few Will Get

Joe Lieberman is the Charles Grigsby of the 2004 race.

Wow.
Just wow.

Miss Othmar Lives

I wrote this piece that appears on McSweeney's today. I hope you like it.

Nice People

David Frum is a nice person. I interviewed him today as I hosted Weekday on a local public radio station.

It's Still a Perfectly Good Question.

What have you done for Janet Jackson lately?

The O'Neill Book

Sorry, I mean the Suskind book. Suskind Suskind Suskind. Suskind wrote it. Anyway, so this O'Neill book (which I reviewed for a Large Internet Bookseller) is, I think, really really good. Well written, provocative, even kind of fun. But I was baffled by the now-famous "blind man in a room full of deaf people" quote. I was all like what the hell does that mean. Slate's Michael Kinsley, however, was more eloquently baffled in his quasi-review:
I'm sorry, but how is being uninterested in policy like being a blind man in a roomful of deaf people? Are blind people uninterested in policy? Or, more accurately, do blind people become less interested in policy when they find themselves in a room with deaf people? Does a blind man surrounded by deaf people talking policy issues think: "Oh, hell. These folks are going to go on and on and on about the problems of deaf people. Who needs that? I've got problems of my own." Is that O'Neill's point? And even if there is something about a room full of deaf people that makes a blind man disengage from policy issues, what does this have to do with President Bush and his Cabinet?

Hey!
You should read this book. I reviewed it for a large online book seller. But you should read it. It's really really good. It's about swimming but it's really not about swimming at all. It's about perseverance. But it never comes out and says that. It just says it's about swimming. And it's about how horrifyingly grody the Nile can be.

Read the book!

Another reason to love baseball

Finally the most entertaining players in the game have been codified in one handy article.

Do you suppose...

That the male former singer of The Sugarcubes walks around his Reykjavik apartment in his own crudely fashioned swam unitard and wonders where it all went wrong?

It doesn't come up often with my name...

but this is not me! Not me!

(though I can't help loving his sample line provided:
1. Harry looked dazedly down at the smoking revolver in his right hand. "My God, did I do that?"
- Untitled, fiction (sample) )

Game On

So All Things Considered on NPR ran a report last week about the trouble with online research, pointing to a student who thought Tito Puente was the former ruler of Yugoslavia (Marshall Tito). The hosts went on to suggest other world leader/musician combos: Don Ho Chi Minh, Ray Charles Taylor, and Lil' Kim Jong Il. I kind of like Lil' Jim Jong Il.

Well, game on.

Tony Blairnaked Ladies
Valery Giscard-D'eSting
Vladimir Putincubus
Andrew Jackson 5
SugarChurchill Gang
Fidel Amitri Castro
Charles Mugabe City Rollers
Jacques Chiracpile
Pervez Musharroffspring
Abraham Lincoln Park
Jean Chretienya
Tony Toni Tone' Blair
Al GWAR


I'll try to think up some more.

Late entries from Sam Goldberg:

Nat King Helmut Kohl
B.B. King Abdullah II
Yassir AraFat Joe
Ariel-Supply Sharon
50-VinCente Fox
Jay-Zemin
Beyon-Tse Tung
HirohiToto
Saddam Hussein Clown Posse
OutCastro
Mikhail GWARbechev

Wow.

I fear that all these signatures will merely be like specks of... I don't know, something....in, like, a breeze.

Passing The Time...
Until the Beastie Boys release new material, I spend time here.

I Review Books for a Large Internet Bookstore.

Here were some of my favorites of the past year:
this one
this one also
and this
this one was good too
I liked this one
Oh and this one.

But this one was just terrible.

We Got Out of Town for Christmas
To Sequim, which is on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. Rented a house, tried to get away from some or most of the seasonal insanity. Sequim is also home to the Olympic Game Farm, a sprawling stretch of land which houses yaks, llamas, zebras, buffalo, elk, and reindeer which you can feed from your car as you drive through, nervously. There's also lions, tigers, bears, coyotes, and wolves in separate facilities. Peacocks and rabbits roam about freely.
Well, we were there on the 26th at like 9 am right as it opened. We bought ten bags of bread ($5) and then drove around to feed the animals. Here's the thing: the place was closed on Christmas Day and we figure it was pretty sparsely attended on Christmas Eve. So while we're sure the animals were fed, they probably weren't given that sweet touristy junk food in like three days. So when we got there, it was like driving into the worst part of the inner city with hundred dollar bills and free handguns taped to our car. The animals were all over us. Blocking the car, bumping into the windows, and staaaaring. We got out of their two hours later having given all the bread we can. When we returned to Seattle I had to go through a special car wash to remove yak spit from the car's exterior.

This Book Won't Be Out for a While

But I'm in it. And I really really like the title.

A Poorly Constructed Joke Formed During a Recent Viewing of White Men Can't Jump

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Wesley Snipes' career
Wesley Snipes' career who?
Exactly

Meet The Mariners

The team I'm psychologically abused by on an ongoing basis, the Seattle Mariners, acquired two new players yesterday: Quinton McCracken and Scott Spiezio. Kind of non-descript as ballplayers but it turns out they're kind of interesting.
This from the story on McCracken, "McCracken, 33, was a double major at Duke University, graduating in four years with degrees in political science and history." And this on Spiezio from the newscast on KUOW yesterday, "Spiezio was quoted last night as saying, 'I've always loved Seattle. It's the birthplace of grunge, you know. I've always liked the town, the stadium's awesome and the fans are pretty dang cool.' Spiezio is a switch hitter and plays in a band named Sandfrog.

Spiderholes Are Just All Right With Me

Hey, I wasn't watching TV much this weekend but I saw something on the set in Radio Shack when I walked by. Did we capture Michael McDonald from the Doobie Brothers?

Great Moments in Advertising

On the street where I work, there are three bubble tea places. Today, I saw this sign on the window at one of them:

Have you tried Bubble Tea Hot?
Try new Wow! Hot Milk Latte Bubble Tea!
It's the End of Taste!

Mmmm. Can't wait.

I'm Being Sued by the Dr. Seuss Estate

Well, I hope not. But it's more possible than it was a few days ago.

I had a commentary/sketch on NPR's All Things Considered on Monday. It's written as a letter from Max, the Grinch's dog, to the Grinch after the Grinch has turned nice. And Max isn't happy about it.

Also, I had a story on NPR's Only A Game (a weekly sports show) this past weekend about Shana Heavey, a 16-year-old dwarf, who plays on the varsity lacrosse team at her school. That story is located here:

Listen if you like.

WOW!

I just heard that GWAR has endorsed Howard Dean. This is really big! Oh, wait...it was who? Oh never mind.

The Challenge

Sure, there's going to be lots of jokes about Michael Jackson. More than ever before. Very few of them will be funny, even fewer will be original.
I'd like to step forward and encourage people to try harder than they otherwise would and make jokes that reference more obscures songs from either the Michael Jackson catalog. Can the "Beat It" reference, go instead for "Prison? I bet he's never Ben there before." Leave off anything about the kid not being his son. Instead, explore "I think these accusations are completely Off the Wall."
Yes, the lines I favor are more work. And perhaps not even as funny. But they're better for your brain and better for the world.
I'm going to keep thinking of more and I encourage you to do the same. Feel free to send me your ideas.

Here's some more:
I always figured that, as promised, he'd stop once he had got enough.
Apparently the Man in the Mirror wasn't willing to make that change.
If he is truly guilty but ultimately exonerated, wow, that would be one Smooth Criminal.

If You Haven't Read It Yet...

What's wrong with you? Read The Onion's interview with RZA.

***Please us this as evidence in any future patricide/cannibalism trial involving my son***
(a conversation taking place last night with son Charlie, who just turned 3)
HIM: Daddy, can I eat you?
ME: No. You can't.
HIM: Are you a ghost, Daddy?
ME: No, I'm not.
HIM: When you are a ghost, I will eat you up, Daddy.
ME: You...what?!
HIM: I will eat you when you are a ghost. I will eat you!

It's an old story but there's plenty of time left to do in-depth analysis

The Yeti has plenty of good riffs on the NPR gift. The only thing I would add is this:
"Welcome back to Talk of the Nation. I'm Grimace."

Do you have a list of celebrities who are very talented and also nice people?

If so, go ahead and add Robyn Hitchcock to that list. You can hear my interview with him on Thursday at 2:35 pm on 94.9 KUOW Seattle if you're in the Seattle area. If not, you can listen online at KUOW.org.

A Conversation With Charlie, Age 3

(while looking at a book about elephants)

HIM: Look, Dad. That's a red elephant.
ME: Well, actually. That's a drawing of an elephant's muscles.
HIM: What are muscles?
ME: They're things in your body that make you move around. Like when you stand up, you're using muscles.
HIM: Can I stand up?
ME: Of course. Go ahead.
HIM: (standing) Muscles! What's that elephant?
ME: That one shows an elephant's bones. Everybody has bones that hold them up.
HIM: Does an elephant have bones?
ME: Well, yeah. As is demonstrated in that drawing.
HIM: Does a dog have bones?
ME: Yes.
HIM: No. A dog eats bones.
ME: Hmmm. You're right. But it's different bones. A dog doesn't eat its own bones.
HIM: Will a dog eat my bones?
ME: I don't expect it will.
HIM: I have bones and muscles inside me.
ME: That's right.
HIM: And pipes, of course.
(pause)
ME: Wanna go play with cars?

Sometimes the problem is this....

Exactly which one to put on the computer as wallpaper.

Some People Can Just Enjoy New Food In Silence.

Others must write about it. I'm one of the others.

It's pretty impressive when you think about it

Sure, many of the Transformers can turn into a helicopter or a truck or whatever. But only one can turn into a planet. I got excited writing about it. I mean, Charlie Williams got excited.

Eeeeeewwwwhhhh....

A couple of years ago, my wife was driving through Auburn, south of Seattle while our then 6-month-old son slept in the car. She saw signs for a multi-family garage sale and being a fan of garage sales, she went to it. Within a few seconds, she sensed that it wasn't multi-family at all but just some guy's house. The guy came out and said "come on in! The stuff is around back!" But my wife got a weird feeling about the whole enterprise, thanked the guy politely and drove away. Just had a creepy feeling. Turns out the guy's name was Gary Ridgway. He was in the papers recently.

HULK GET FLEXIBLE!

How could it get any worse?

Here's how: get the King of Queens involved.

The Real Reason I Left Amazon.com

To go work for a startup that never quite worked out.

An e-mail conversation with Jeannie Yandel about the Cubs victory.

-----Original Message-----
From: Jeannie Yandel
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:45 AM
To: John Moe
Subject: haHAha

Am I kind of freaking out? Yes, yes I am.



-----Original Message-----
From: John Moe
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:47 AM
To: Jeannie Yandel
Subject: RE: haHAha

Don't ji--I'm not even going to say it. Don't j-word it. Kerry Wood is the son of a god and a bull.



-----Original Message-----
From: Jeannie Yandel
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:49 AM
To: John Moe
Subject: RE: haHAha

He and mark prior have been pitching with each other’s mitts. If I hadn’t already been crying last night when I learned that, it would have made me burst into tears.

No j-wording here. Not saying anything about any kind of future. Just, presently, freaking out. In this moment. Because of the 95-year losing streak being broken. That’s it.



-----Original Message-----
From: John Moe
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:52 AM
To: Jeannie Yandel
Subject: RE: haHAha

4 states have been admitted to the union since the last time the Cubs won a post-season series of any kind.

Go Red Sox.



-----Original Message-----
From: Jeannie Yandel
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:56 AM
To: John Moe
Subject: RE: haHAha

Both of my grandfathers were born, grew up, got married, had kids, watched them get married and have kids, got sick, and died since the last time to cubs won any post-season series. It occurs to me that if the red sox make it too that could be a sign of the apocalypse. Or that bud selig is fixing this to get people excited about baseball again. I probably need a valium.



-----Original Message-----
From: John Moe
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:57 AM
To: Jeannie Yandel
Subject: RE: haHAha

Breathe into a paper bag and just think about Dontrelle Willis for a while. Braden Looper, Jeff Conine, Juan Pierre. Stay tethered to the present.



-----Original Message-----
From: Jeannie Yandel
Sent: Monday, October 06, 2003 11:58 AM
To: John Moe
Subject: RE: haHAha

Yes. Ok.

Ok.

Parenting Pros & Cons

Pro: rediscovering the very world you live in through the eyes and thoughts of a child, learning how to play all over again, giving and receiving unconditional love.

Con: Dude, when am I ever going to get to see Bubba Ho-Tep?! Man!

Because He Sits Wherever He Wants

This story may end tragically but for the moment you have to love the line "A witness told police she later saw the gorilla sitting at a bus stop on a street near the zoo." Cause he's all, "I'm so out of here! What time does the damn 116 get here?" And he's all "In retrospect, I should have arranged a getaway car." and then he's all "Okay, the secret is to blend. Maybe I should pick up a USA Today."

Their Love Was That Powerful

I remember seeing an interview with George Plimpton years ago where he said that he couldn't imagine outliving Robert Palmer, how life would just seem empty without Robert. So perhaps today's news makes some sense. And as everyone knows, the original title of Palmer's hit song was "(George Plimpton is) Simply Irresistible".

Conversation At The Toy Store Between Myself And My Son Charlie (Almost Three)

CHARLIE: Dad, I want to tell you something. I had this farm toy when I was a baby. Mom bought it for me. Mom bought it when I was six babies.
ME: What? You were six babies?
CHARLIE: Yes. No. I was eight babies. I was eight babies, Dad.
ME: Really? I don't remember that.
CHARLIE: Dad, do I have pipes inside me?
ME: Uh...what?
CHARLIE: Pipes! Pipes! Do I have them in me?
ME: Well, sort of. I guess.
CHARLIE: Do I have batteries in me?
ME: No. You don't have any batteries in you.
CHARLIE: We need to get some batteries for me.

Only A Game

It's a show about sports from NPR. Normally, sports and public radio go together like a horse and architecture, but this is a really good show. On this week's episode, I did a story about Pat Borders.

The Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld, Vol. II
Enjoy.

HURRY!
Go to Cat Town! Right away! GO!

You Know What's Hard?
Awexome is hard.

Wow.
Some people look at a busy bridge and see only traffic snarls and headaches. Other people look at it and see, well, a bitchin' condo. Check out this report from pal Charles Kiblinger.

Trying to Get Back On Pace...

Sometimes I like to think that people who die in a certain constrained time period form rock bands in heaven. In the latest lineup, I think I would go with Zevon on bass, Cash on guitar, and Ritter on drums. Then, if God is understanding, that leaves Leni Reifenstahl to play keyboards and Indiana governor Frank O'Bannon to show up for rehearsals with a xylophone but they won't let him play cause this isn't that kind of a band.

I'm So Sorry

Been a replacement midday host on the radio. Almost done.

Here is a band that does Beatles covers performed as Metallica: Right here.

I love you all. Or both.

This was really on the Associated Press today

A 24-year-old man who led Snohomish County sheriff's deputies on a bizarre chase through the Evergreen State Fair on was seriously hurt when he tried to jump aboard a moving train.
The man, a fair employee, was seen on the midway Tuesday afternoon smoking "an unknown narcotic" from a glass pipe, a sheriff's spokesperson said. He was fired on the spot.
The man attempted to steal money from another carnival worker, then went to a women's restroom, where he exposed himself.
When deputies arrived, the man put on his pants, took off his shirt, and fled through a window in one of the restroom's stalls.
He groped women as he ran, then scaled a chain-link fence to U.S. 2, where he attempted to steal a car from a woman.
When that failed, he ran across the highway to a train and tried to jump aboard, even though it was traveling about 45 miles per hour.
He was knocked back by the train, and was airlifted to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle with multiple fractures. He was reported in serious condition Tuesday night.
When he's released, he'll likely be charged with indecent liberties and attempted robbery.

Did I ever show you this?
I think you'd like this.

Rethinking Iraqi Policy
Problem? Snipers. Solution? A new kind of soldier.

Who is David Bessler?
Well, really, who isn't David Bessler? For fun the most plus excellent, go to "stretch my friends" in the pull down menu. For funnerness still, go to the pipecleaner dance.

I'll be out for a while
Til the 18th or so. Going to Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. But flying in to Raleigh and then driving. Cause I refuse to fly into Kitty Hawk. I've seen the planes they have there and they don't look safe.

Why Was the Internet Invented?
I'll tell you why.

You're Trying to Crush He-Man and Your Henchman Brings You a What?
A squid.

Men Who Look Like Young Santa (a semi-regular feature)
Sometimes Santa is in disguise.

I Talked About The Movie "Predator" On National Public Radio.
You can listen to it here. And write to the show demanding I get a regular slot here.

So that's what Suzanne Somers doesn't really look like
The wonderful Celebrity Dollhouse from the wonderfuler Cup of Chicha.

Humpty Dumpty.

Of course all the king's horses couldn't get him together again. How could horses put an egg together?

Wait. Where does it even say that Humpty Dumpty was an egg in the first place?

Is there any kind of creature that a horse can put together?

What kind of name is Humpty Dumpty anyway?

I have kids.

Not Funny: The Latest Chapter

Today, author Chuck Palahniuk came in to appear as a guest on some radio show I produce at some radio station. Someone asked where he had been earlier in the day and he said he had been at another station and all they wanted to talk about was Fight Club. "But wait", I said, "I thought you weren't supposed to talk about Fight Club. That's the first rule!"

He didn't think that was so funny. He wasn't a jerk about it at all but was clearly exasperated with such a gag.

Then I realized that I got sick of that joke like two years ago. And I'm just me. Imagine how sick of it he must be.

His new book is really good, by the way.

Damn
I regret that I did not write this. For it is brilliance.

I Pity The Fool

Who doesn't read this interview.

A Leader of Person-kind
Yesterday, I walked up to an intersection. The light said "Don't Walk" but there was no traffic. A few people were waiting anyway, just talking amongst themselves or thinking about other things. But I took matters into my own hands. Advocating the law of common sense instead of municipal precision, I crossed the street anyway. Others took notice and, seeing my indisputable logic, crossed too. Were it not for my risky leadership, they would have crossed that street...slightly later!

Evidence

So I work at some radio station, right? And we have a computer in the newsroom where we download music snippets for talk show transitional music. Today, there was a note by that computer. Either that note was a reminder of what song to download or...OR...the station had a secret from a very big celebrity whose mere existence we were somehow doubting.

The note read: "I'm Real - Jennifer Lopez".

I knew it.

Bad Game

Don't play this game. It's a bad game. I hate you, game!

Okay I admit it, I hate you only because... I love you so much.

How to Make Snoop Dogg's Head Explode
Ask him to read this sentence using his notorious "izzle-fizzle" patois:
"I need to buy a fizzling chisel and some Twizzlers then go to Sizzler while it drizzles."

Just Checking
I have a question based on something I saw in the bank parking lot.
If you're sitting in a convertible Mercedes and you're wearing Matrix sunglasses and you're talking on an itty-bitty cell phone and you have bleached tips in your hair and you're a man and you're in Seattle and you're parked in between two "disabled only" parking spots in a place that is supposed to be a walkway, then no matter what you're a prick, right?

Of Course!
Why have I never thought of this?

Overcoming Adversity I Didn't Realize I Was Facing

So last night I stopped at a gas station and filled my truck up with gas. When I went into the little store to buy some gum, the cashier's choice of words troubled me:

"Hey buddy, how you holding up?"
"You doing okay there, guy?"
"All set there, man? You hanging in there?"
"Okay, take care of yourself, man. Take it easy."

After I left, I wondered if there was some horrible event that had happened to me. And if maybe the gas station attendant somehow knew about it before I did.

It Will Be So Hard To Tell My Wife
It turns out I'm a Kucinich supporter. I mean, I'm not. But this computer thingy says that I am. I guess it's like in high school when I took that test that encouraged me to be a diesel mechanic.

Sometimes...
I include links because I hate my readers and want them to lose their jobs and friends.

The Big Time!

If you're not lucky enough to be bothered by me via e-mail...

"The Big Time!" is a family musical comedy about a sock, a lamp, and a vacuum cleaner who become rock stars. I wrote the script and Chris Ballew wrote five fantastic songs for the show.

Chris and I really have a lot in common:

* He sold 4 million records as the lead singer of The Presidents of the United States of America. I sold several records at my local used CD store.
* He performs the "Cleveland Rocks" theme song to the Drew Carey Show. I've seen that show.
* He is famous. I have rented the movie "Almost Famous". Couple times.

"The Big Time!" is going to Edinburgh Scotland in August for the huge Fringe Festival therein and the folks who are taking it there are offering a one night only performance of it here in Seattle on July 26 (details below). Another production will be performing at Bumbershoot on September 1st and may then move on to a yet to be announced Seattle location for a special Saturday morning brunch performance run. There will also be a production going to Adelaide, Australia and South Carolina in 2004.

It's a fun show that kids and non-kids can enjoy together. And it's only like 50 minutes long.

(Sorry if you are outside the Seattle area and got this anyway. But if you know a theater producer who might want to produce the show, well, let me know.)

***

Left Coast Theatre's one-night Edinburgh Fringe benefit
Sat July 26 at the Nippon Kan Theatre, 628. S. Washington St

The Big Time! ~ a fairytale/mockumentary that will delight all ages: ‘Toy
Story’ meets ‘Spinal Tap’.
5:00pm, tickets $8/$6 under 18.

Vera Wilde ~ great songs, outrageous wit, passion, politics and feather boas
collide when young Russian idealist Vera Zasulich inspires Oscar Wilde’s
first play. ‘Best New Play 2002’ –Seattle Times.
8:00pm, tickets $12/$10 under 18.

For reservations phone 206-768-1030
More information http://www.leftcoasttheatre.com

Free parking is available in the lot behind the theatre. The Big Time! runs
45 minutes, so there’s time to go to dinner in the International District
and come back for Vera at 8:00, which runs 1 hr 40 minutes.

What If Pro Athletes Joined Rock Bands?

Sam Goldberg and I have been kicking these around for a while. Here's what we came up with.

System of a McNown
Travis Knight Ranger
Chris Fuamatu Ma'afala Fighters
Richard Jefferson Starship
Reggie Jackson 5
Dinosaur Junior Seau
Destiny's Chris Child
Davis Loverboy III
Marshall Faulk Implosion
Bettis Than Ezra
Primitive Radio God Shammgod
Dupergrass
Loopertramp
Counting (Germane) Crowell
Proehl Dirty Bastard
Rolen Stones
Rondell White Stripes
Kendrell Bell Biv DeVoe
Gerry & the Orlando Pacemakers
Danny Whitesnake
Charlie Batch Street Boys
Crosby Stills Nash and Dmitri Young
David Carrland Vocal Band
Twisted Sistrunk
J.D. Drews Traveler
Sigur Jalen Ros
Junior Felix M.A.F.I.A.
Tony Tone' Toni Kukoc
Guns n' Malik Roses
Pu-Hole
Dallas Cowboy Junkies
Edie Brickell & Bryce Drew Bohemians
Tears for Chris Mears
Sugar Grant Hill Gang
Loverbordick
Zach Day Real Estate
Vida Blue Oyster Cult
Jars of Cassius Clay
Mario (Lemieux) Speedwagon
Depeche Moog
Judas Priest Holmes
Grant Fuhr Railroad
Orchestral Manute Bol in the Dark

There's Bad News and Then There's Baaaaaad News
While we at Monkey Disaster mourn the death of Buddy Hackett, we mourn even more the potential rise to prominence of his son, Sandy Hackett.

Are You Complicit?
Apparently, terrible crimes are being committed. With your choice of bacon or sausage.
Also, it seems that where some people see problems, others see solutions.

Been Gone A While
Dealing with medical stuff having to do with my daughter.

Here are a couple of thoughts during that time:

1. It's hard to explain to people who don't know that my daughter has achondroplasia . I will be talking about a medical situation that's unique to her condition and say something like "cause, you know, she's a little person." And they'll smile and nod thinking that I mean she's a baby, which she is, but she's also a dwarf. Then I say "I mean she's a little person. A, uh, little person." And they'll keep smiling. And then I'll just say "A dwarf. She's a dwarf." And then they look stunned. I guess I like the part where they look stunned.

2. People often say "Well, God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Or "God must have known what great parents you were." And it makes me think that maybe God has a big scoreboard where whenever people are having some success at achieving a normal balanced life, He sends them down some crazy challenge just to bring them down a notch. And that makes me wonder, you know, if maybe we're going about this all wrong. Maybe if you prove to be a totally weak person and a really lousy parent, God will send you ice cream and some free Nintendo games and a sort of Master Child with the strength of Big John Studd and the peaceful demeanor of Art Garfunkel. Perhaps this is all part of God's plan.

Oh, and my daughter is doing just fine now. Thanks God! I guess!

I'm Not Funny
So I was at Bartell Drugs picking up a prescription and I got there right as they were opening the pharmacy. The employee was about to help me bu she had not yet put on her bright red employee vest. "Hold on a second", she said as she struggled with it briefly.
Wanting to be funny, I said "You can't officially be a pharmacist until you put on the smock."
She said, "Oh. I'm not a pharmacist. I'm just the drug dealer."
Then I said "Wouldn't it be great if all drug dealers wore smocks?"
She said nothing for a second and then asked, quite clinically, "How may I help you?"

Oh, they know what they're doing. They know exactly what they're doing.

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store with toddler son Charlie. We were parked in front of the store but not going in because there was a crucial at-bat in the Mariner game on the radio. Charlie wanted to go in to the store because why wait. I said to hold on a minute. He thought for a second and launched into a histrionic teary cry, saying he wanted to go in NOW. As it happened, the at-bat ended (Edgar freakin' Martinez striking out) and I went to get Charlie and go in to the store, just like he wanted. When I lifted him out of his car seat, he was clearly thrilled at this event that he thought he caused. He dropped his charade of sorrow, smiled real big, and said "It worked!"

In the future, I expect, he'll remember not to betray the thinness of his little act.

Specialized Amusement
Looking for a way to pass the time that incorporates your deep knowledge of the connections between jurisprudence and baseball history? Wait, I know what you're saying, "Sure I am, John, as long as it's based on tenuous suppositions and it's really boring."
Splendid! Go here.

The Search For An Angle
Is there a journalistic undercurrent in pro wrestling? This reviewer thinks so.

Great Moments in URL Selection
You can go ahead and hope for the best at powergenitalia.com or try to find the perfect gift at whorepresents.com but disappointment is sure to follow.
These valuable tips from the inevitable Dave Barry.

Emo-mail
Apparently, I've been too complacent for the folks who spam me. They seem irritated but also somewhat committed to helping me out. Here are the subject lines of five consecutive spams I received today:

You blocked my MSN
Are you a junky?
Don't be silly
Wanna get a drink?
This should wake you up

I had roommates like this in college.

Coming Soon to UPN
I've begun to realize that if a reality show was made starring the famous people I've talked to or interviewed at my radio station, it would be fascinating yet terrible. Like if they were all forced to live in a house or on an island or something. Anyway, going solely off people I've dealt with in the past year, here's the cast:
Richard Simmons
Eddie Vedder
Jared from Subway
Mike Douglas
Terry Bowden (ABC Commentator)
George McGovern
Sir Mix a Lot

Imagine the hijinx! Okay, now stop imagining it. You might get hurt.

A Question
How do you fall off a Segway? Isn't that the whole point of a Segway?

NBA Finals Special
My good friend Charlie Williams (again, certainly not a pseudonym I use) wrote up this review of a LEGO NBA set. Emanuel Ginobili not included.

Oh No
Now I'll never get anything done. I'll just spend all my day designing and buying t-shirts.
Some of them are t-shirts you can buy.

Men Who Look Like Young Santa (a semi-regular feature)
Bob Dornan

Toys
I get to know a lot of toys. I recently ran across one that is very special to me. And my friend Charlie Williams, who isn't the same as me and is certainly not an alias I write under, wrote this fine review.

The Minimalist Approach
Not much happening at the Arthur Andersen home page. Except for a link to a big empty facility that you can rent for meetings.

IMPORTANT!
I've been made aware that men and women walk the earth who have not read the notorious Family Circus customer reviews. Hurry. When finished, read more and more .

Endorsement Deal
Great news! This blog now has an official disease: read all about it!
The Prairie Dog Information site probably never expected to be put in a position where they needed to try to control hysteria.

Yep
Go watch 80's Ending. Six minutes that will change your life. Thanks, Yeti.

Ingenuity
My 2 1/2 year old son really likes Maisy. Maisy is a cartoon mouse and the star of a series of childrens books and videos. One of her friends is an elephant named Eddie and although he and Maisy are much closer to the same size than they would be in real life, Eddie is still significantly bigger. My son was looking at a book that showed Eddie and Maisy outside Maisy's house and he said, "Eddie's too big to get into Maisy's house." So I asked him if there was any way that Maisy could get Eddie the elephant into the house. He thought for a minute and then said, very somberly, "A hammer."

Too-shay
So my 7-month-old daughter has achondroplasia. It's the most common form of dwarfism. It means she'll be about 4 feet tall when she grows up. It also means that I've had a swift introduction into the world of little people (if you use the word "m*dget", I will become irate). So the other day, I saw two little people walking down the street, evidently on a date since they were holding hands, and I secretly stared at them a while. Later, I explained to my wife how great it was to see little people on a date (as an average-size parent, you get this irrational fear that your dwarf child won't date) and how I stared at them for a while out of relief and joy and how it wasn't the like other people stare at them. I told her how I wanted to yell, "I'm staring at you but it's okay!". Then my wife gently told me, "Well, you know, it still isn't okay." Yep, I'm still learning a lesson that two year olds are taught: DON'T STARE!

Oh Man
That Dennis Rodman, he's so crazy! With his wild hair and his outrageous antics! And his severe drinking problem and his near bankruptcy and his sociopathic, near-suicidal behavior! Oh wait. He really is crazy.

Some Days...
You must unwind with a little Eugene.

Newscast Jokes From This One Radio Show I Sometimes Do

President Bush arrived in Poland for the annual G8 economic summit. He praised Poland’s support of the US led invasion of Iraq and said he was glad to have Poland as such a good friend. Later, he talked loudly to no one in particular about how he and Poland were best friends now and were going to the mall together. French and German leaders said nothing but were spotted rolling their eyes and passing notes back and forth.

The search for weapons of mass destruction continues in Iraq. It was announced that a large US team will turn its focus away from sites considered “suspicious” before the war began. Inspectors will now step up inspections in some new sites including: the rhetoric of President Bush, the psyche of many American citizens, and Iran.

The Department of Homeland Security has reduced the Terror Alert level from High or Orange to Elevated or Yellow. For governments and businesses, this means a scaling back of heightened security measures. And for private citizens, it means looking at the TV, saying “oh”, and then forgetting about it.

During a rare interview, Britain’s Prince William has begun studying Swahili at St. Andrew University in Scotland. William says that he first became enamored of Africa and African culture during a trip to the continent a few years ago and hopes to learn more about it in school in preparation for his future career of being a treasury draining man of leisure.

The Federal Communications Commission has been flooded with so many e-mails and phone calls in recent days that its overloaded computer network and phone systems are experiencing problems. The messages are being spurred by Monday’s vote on media consolidation which could increase the percentage of broadcast stations in a market that could be owned by a given corporation. The FCC says that their systems will be upgraded just as soon as their upcoming sale to Clear Channel is finalized.

Bruce Almighty was #1 at the box office last weekend beating out The Matrix in what is being hailed as a victory for monotheism over longtime foe Gnosticism. In Bruce Almighty, God comes to Earth on a successful mission to force a man to stop making sappy overwrought dramas and start making really funny comedies again.

The Oxygen Network debuted a new program Friday designed exclusively for the entertainment of cats. It’s not to be confused with the long running Broadway musical Cats which was designed exclusively for the entertainment of stupid people.

Barbra Streisand has filed a 10 million dollar lawsuit against a California man for posting photographs of her Malibu estate on a website that documents California’s eroding coastline. The suit has wreaked havoc at Fox News among the “mock Streisand” and “mock the environmentalists” factions who suddenly find themselves in conflict.