Monday, June 02, 2003

Newscast Jokes From This One Radio Show I Sometimes Do

President Bush arrived in Poland for the annual G8 economic summit. He praised Poland’s support of the US led invasion of Iraq and said he was glad to have Poland as such a good friend. Later, he talked loudly to no one in particular about how he and Poland were best friends now and were going to the mall together. French and German leaders said nothing but were spotted rolling their eyes and passing notes back and forth.

The search for weapons of mass destruction continues in Iraq. It was announced that a large US team will turn its focus away from sites considered “suspicious” before the war began. Inspectors will now step up inspections in some new sites including: the rhetoric of President Bush, the psyche of many American citizens, and Iran.

The Department of Homeland Security has reduced the Terror Alert level from High or Orange to Elevated or Yellow. For governments and businesses, this means a scaling back of heightened security measures. And for private citizens, it means looking at the TV, saying “oh”, and then forgetting about it.

During a rare interview, Britain’s Prince William has begun studying Swahili at St. Andrew University in Scotland. William says that he first became enamored of Africa and African culture during a trip to the continent a few years ago and hopes to learn more about it in school in preparation for his future career of being a treasury draining man of leisure.

The Federal Communications Commission has been flooded with so many e-mails and phone calls in recent days that its overloaded computer network and phone systems are experiencing problems. The messages are being spurred by Monday’s vote on media consolidation which could increase the percentage of broadcast stations in a market that could be owned by a given corporation. The FCC says that their systems will be upgraded just as soon as their upcoming sale to Clear Channel is finalized.

Bruce Almighty was #1 at the box office last weekend beating out The Matrix in what is being hailed as a victory for monotheism over longtime foe Gnosticism. In Bruce Almighty, God comes to Earth on a successful mission to force a man to stop making sappy overwrought dramas and start making really funny comedies again.

The Oxygen Network debuted a new program Friday designed exclusively for the entertainment of cats. It’s not to be confused with the long running Broadway musical Cats which was designed exclusively for the entertainment of stupid people.

Barbra Streisand has filed a 10 million dollar lawsuit against a California man for posting photographs of her Malibu estate on a website that documents California’s eroding coastline. The suit has wreaked havoc at Fox News among the “mock Streisand” and “mock the environmentalists” factions who suddenly find themselves in conflict.

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