A Very Brief Conversation with Charlie (age 4)

ME: Hey it's lunchtime. What do you want for lunch? Sandwich?
HIM: No! I want extinct cat meat.

USS Mariner has some interesting and troubling observations about the Mariner Moose.

The Three Stages of Waiting for a Restroom at a Teriyaki Place Near My Work

0-2 minutes - someone is peeing
2-5 minutes - someone is going to the bathroom in another way
5 minutes + - heroin/go elsewhere

Oh it won't help your productivity any...

But it's a lovely way to spend some time as you remember Mitch Hedberg who died on March 30 of heart failure.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4) About Theology

(scene: we're at a local bakery looking through a storybook of Jack & The Beanstalk. We get to the part about the guy selling Jack the beans and the guy in the illustration looks like a dwarf. I decide to use it for my ongoing "dwarf awareness campaign".)

ME: You see that man? He's a dwarf.
HIM: He is? A dwarf?
ME: I think he is.
(very long pause)
HIM: I think he's God.

So really, the dwarf appreciation thing is going well but the idea of dwarfs being just like anyone else is not working out so good.

Authors have websites

When you aim to write a book, you're going to need a website to promote them so you don't look like such a schmuck when you blow your advance on tacos and pet pigs. Turns out really good, really interesting writers sometimes have outstandingly interesting websites. When my book comes out (2006, I believe) I hope it will be interesting and good. (thanks to the estimable Killing My Lobster for the link)

I was trying to think of a gag

but Defective Yeti is better than me.

Marvin Gaye and Grapevines

I got this thing up on McSweeney's today.

There are more famous and successful athletes.

But Paul Shirley is one of my new favorites.
Sample:

"I really felt like I had a stellar set of games. Min: 0, TP: 0, FG%: Undefined. Bravo."

How To Be A Terrible Father

Needed:
1 screaming two-year-old
It being six in the goddamn morning

1. Go to two-year-old's room
2. Listen to her angrily demand not just "Mama" but "Mama Mama Mama Mama! Maaaa-maaaa!"
3. Pick her up and carry her around the house, talking to her in soothing tones
4. see step 2
5. Offer her cereal, a banana, juice, anything in the kitchen
6. see step 2
7. Evaluate future self-hatred against short-term convenience
8. Ask two-year-old if she wants to go downstairs and watch Sesame Street
9. Listen to her say "Yeah!" with more joy and conviction than any human, regardless of age, could seemingly muster
10. Plop her down
11. Turn it on
12. Go back to bed
13. Hate self
14. Fall asleep for another 30 minutes

SYNOPSES OF THE LOST MARX BROTHERS’ MADE FOR TELEVISION MOVIES ON THE LIFETIME NETWORK

A teenage girl (Haylie Duff) rebels against her authoritarian parents (Meredith Baxter-Birney, Harpo) by dating an older man (Groucho). Things get out of control when the man turns out to be marked by the mob. A notorious mafia assassin (Chico) comes to town to settle the score, placing the whole family in danger.

A rising star lawyer (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) thinks she’s landed a dream job until her new boss (Harpo) starts making sexual advances. Her only friend at the firm, a brilliant but troubled young attorney (Chico), pledges to help her but turns up missing under suspicious circumstances. Now she must defend her career and honor in front of an eccentric judge (Groucho).

A high school football player (Harpo) is a star on the field in a small Texas town, but he’s acting strange and erratic at home. His mother (Jaclyn Smith) suspects steroid use. But is she strong enough to confront the powerful football coach (Groucho) and the crooked high school principal (Chico)?

A lonely woman (Valerie Bertinelli) meets the man of her dreams (Chico) online. But an arranged meeting turns terrifying as he kidnaps her and takes her to an isolated Utah compound. There she meets the charismatic leader of a dangerous religious cult (Harpo) but also another lost soul (Groucho) with whom she plots escape.

A friendly encounter with an auto mechanic (Groucho) seems innocent enough to a divorced mother (Delta Burke) until he starts coming by her house late at night and making threats. The local police chief (Harpo) brushes off her concern and as the obsession turns increasingly dangerous, she must turn to her estranged husband (Chico).

A weeklong honeymoon on a sailing boat turns dangerous for a young couple (Justine Bateman, Harry Hamlin) when they meet up with a charming sea captain (Groucho) who turns out to be a drug smuggler. Soon they are on the run from pirates (Chico, James Brolin) and a crooked DEA agent (Harpo).

An idealistic college graduate (Sara Gilbert) takes a Peace Corps position in the country of Freedonia. Soon she finds herself at the center of political turmoil between the newly appointed ruler (Groucho) and a pair of spies (Chico, Harpo). Also, another man (Zeppo) does very little and contributes nothing to the film.

A dedicated medical school graduate (Shannen Doherty) shocks her parents (Dabney Coleman, Margaret Dumont) by taking a job in a remote part of Alaska. There, she must overcome the skepticism of the chief of the native tribe (Groucho), the resistance of local lumberjacks (Chico, Greg Evigan, Richard Moll), and a bear (Harpo).

A photographer (Cheryl Ladd) unwittingly takes a picture of a murderer (Chico) disposing of a body (Margaret Dumont). She finds help, and love, in a dedicated newspaper editor (Groucho) as they try to prove what she saw was real, all the while being hunted by the murderer’s henchman (Harpo).

A single mother (Dana Delaney) is accused of child abuse by the couple next door (Chico, Heather Locklear) and soon finds herself in a custody battle with an ambitious social worker (Groucho). Now she must take on the system to prove her fitness for motherhood, expose corruption, and win back her baby (Harpo).

An enterprising woman (Pam Dawber) moves to a small town to fulfill her dream of opening a bakery. She finds love with a local attorney (Groucho) but encounters trouble when the town reveals its terrible secrets (Chico, Harpo).

Remember that time you asked me to show you a disturbing music video where Olympic sprinter Carl Lewis sings and seems like a children's television version of Grace Jones?

Well here you go.

Have I mentioned lately...

How much I love Strindberg & Helium? Well, now I have.

First Mario leaves now this!

They're going to be drilling in ANWAR? What? Huh?

In Other News...

Blogging is dead. Kottke linked to the New York Times article that points to the all-new and inexplicably existent Rosie O'Donnell blog.

A Conversation with Charlie (age 4) Regarding Long-Range Goals

HIM: When I grow up, I'm going to be a zookeeper. I am going to run the zoo.
ME: That's great. What will be in your zoo?
HIM: Lions. And gazelles and zebras. And they'll all be in the same cage and the lions will chase the gazelles and the zebras. And catch them and kill them and eat them.
ME: Wow. What kind of zoo is this?
HIM: Well...a city zoo.
ME: Yeah, sounds like it.

Well, I for one am spamused.

Through the estimable blog of the legendary Lore, I found Spamusement. It is Spamazing.

cwm_at_npr

Reason #114 to send in your pledge of support: facilities upgrades.

The Greatest of All Time

Well, okay Michael Jordan is pretty good at basketball. But when it comes to voice-over work? Not so much. (a few items down) (thanks to the estimable Wizznutzz).

I was in a store yesterday

And the radio station, a "continuous soft hits" station, announced that coming up would be "Extreme Jim Croce".

I thought, that can mean three different things:

1. Lots of Croce songs
2. An unholy remix of Croce and those "More Than Words" dudes
3. The most unsuccessful Mountain Dew flavor ever