Remember This:

The Republican political machine is flawless. They anticipate every possible problem and are ready to preempt any opposition. They operate in a tight circle and information never gets out of that tiny perimeter.

Also, they left their notes in a Starbucks.

Got a review of that book

You know, the one people find interesting. It's a really good book, actually.

Of course, I've reviewed interesting things before.

Yep, that's hi-larious.

Bush spoke at the correspondent's dinner and made a little film. Sounds like a laff riot. The Democrats sure thought so.

As the 9/11 commission searches for answers...

Only Jay-zeezer provides them.

No one can stop the Pentagon Ninja!

Found the Rumsfeld Fighting Technique via Angry Bear.

More Rejected NPR Commentaries

Springtime is here and for me that means one thing: fantasy baseball! Time to draft my fantasy team and gear up for the fantasy season. And once again, I was able to get every player I wanted! The other people in my league picked guys like Alfonso Soriano, Andy Pettite, Eric Gagne. Nice players but we're talking fantasy baseball. Is Eric Gagne really a part of anyone's fantasy?

This may be the best fantasy team I've ever fielded. Here's the lineup:

Fantasy pitcher - the pitcher from the poem Casey at the Bat. Think about it: he throws three consecutive strikes to the greatest hitter in the game! Doesn't try to fool him with junk outside the strike zone. Goes after Casey, gets the strikeout. Such moxie! That guy, whatever his name is, he's on my fantasy team.

Fantasy catcher - Crash Davis. The Kevin Costner character from Bull Durham. Great with younger players, witty, articulate, good clubhouse guy. And it's Costner in his prime before he started looking like he ate bad fish all the time. In fact, Crash Davis is the only movie character on my fantasy team. Roy Hobbs from "The Natural"? Just seems like such a downer. Field of Dreams ghost players? Too spooky. Comical cast of bumblers from "Major League"? I suspect their antics would grow tiresome.

Fantasy first baseman - Gandalf

Fantasy second baseman - Jaclyn Smith. Okay, sentimental pick. But when you have a fantasy player that you've been with a long time, you stick with them. Builds morale.

Fantasy third baseman - A healthy Aaron Boone. If Boone hadn't blown out his knee this offseason, the Yankees would never have traded for Alex Rodriguez thus revealing the universe to be a cruel chaotic place where treachery alone reigns. But on my fantasy team, Aaron Boone never hurt his knee and all is well. I love fantasy baseball!

Fantasy shortstop - A magical unicorn.

Fantasy left fielder - Ted Williams. Circa 1941. He hit .406 that year, dominated the American League. And he was all in one piece and respected. My fantasy is for that to still be the case. I don't know how well Ted will get along with the unicorn but a little tension might be good in the clubhouse.

Fantasy center fielder - John Fogerty. I've been listening to him beg to be put in center field for years. I'm going to give him that chance. It's his fantasy AND mine. I figure he'll hustle if nothing else. And entertain the team on fantasy road trips.

Fantasy right fielder- a bucket of steroids! They're not much for fielding but I'm told they've led to tons of home runs the last few years. As the fantasy general manager, I'm willing to accept the inherent risks.

So that's my fantasy team: unnamed Casey at the bat pitcher guy, Crash Davis, Gandalf, Jaclyn Smith, magical unicorn, Ted Williams, John Fogerty, and a bucket of steroids. And I'll see you at the fantasy ballpark!

Oh My

Well, I'll just be here all day long. Find out who in your neighborhood gave how much to what candidate! Search by celebrity last names! Preliminary findings: Josh Malina (West Wing) is a Gephardt man, Jennifer Garner is Edwards AND Gephardt, Michael Eisner favors Kerry, Paul Reiser likes Dean, Jerry Seinfeld digs Kerry AND Clark. Retired North Carolina basketball coach Dean Smith, not surprisingly, goes with Edwards.

Remember that time when you asked me why the Internet was invented?

Here's why.

Everything is Circular.

Tonight on some radio show I do, I talked to Anita Rowland and Markos Moulitsas Zuniga. They're nice. Also talked to Jim Copacino, who is not a blogger and who is also nice. Last night on some radio station, an interview I did with Eric Stoltz was also on the air. He was nice too.

Conversation with 3-year-old son at the zoo yesterday

HIM: Daddy, what comes after birds?
ME: Birds?
HIM: Yeah. What comes after them?
ME: Where...uh...what birds do you mean?
HIM: Birds! Birds in the sky! Birds!
ME: Oh. Right. Birds.
HIM: What comes after them?
ME: Oh. (pause) I don't know.
HIM: Do you want to be a family of wallabies?
ME: Yeah, okay.

I'm Watching Prince on the Ellen Show...
And you know what? He looks like a young female account executive. Bobbed haircut with sassy bangs, sleeveless black turtleneck, multiple ear piercings. Could be named Kristi. Could work in promotions at a radio station. Could meet up with the girls from Theta out at TGI Friday's for a long-standing Mai-Tai night, could date a guy named Brad who's a hot shot in sales. Maybe she's in marketing. Or maybe she's a leasing agent. But it's not Kristi. It's Prince.

I Mostly Just Speak English

But I will say this: Viva Dio! He speaks for America in a high pitched screech and that's why he should be president.

Silly Things Coming Back Soon

But first, this is a darn good editorial cartoon (saw it on Calpundit).

Quizno's Thingies from the commercials

Yes, I love them too. Just like the guy in Slate.

But if you're ready for something more complex from the same source, try this.

RECENT AP WIRE HEADLINES WITHIN A ONE DAY PERIOD

Rockslide

Double Slaying

Sexual Contact

Woman Bludgeoned

Cab Driver Killed

Workplace Shooting

Warehouse Fire

Crushed Between Trucks

Wife Slaying

Fatal Beating

Domestic Stabbing

Mad Cow Emergency

Manitoba Update

Leukemia Scam

Man Frozen

Nurse Jailed

Avalanche Fatal

Dennis Kucinich

Rejected NPR Commentaries (a semi-regular feature)

I watched President Bush campaigning the other day at the Daytona 500. Well, I should say that I read an article about it, later, on the Internet. Though I am the father of two, I am not a NASCAR fan, therefore not a coveted "NASCAR Dad", and therefore shunned by the candidates in this year's presidential election.

But I am a part of a different voting bloc, one whose numbers and power are ignored at the candidates' own peril. I am a "Waiting For A New Beastie Boys Record Dad". It's been six years now since 1998's Hello Nasty, we're disoriented, we're antsy, and we need something-someone!-to believe in.

A little history: me and my fellow Waiting For A New Beastie Boys Record Dads picked up the Beasties' breakout Licensed to Ill when we were in high school, maybe college, maybe junior high, back in 1986 and it blew our minds. Here were these guys-these dorks!-who looked like they could be us but were so much more impossibly awesome. We developed heterosexual man crushes. Our formative adult years were punctuated with well-spaced releases from MCA, Ad-Rock, and Mike D. As we grew older, their music likewise became more mature while still maintaining the kind of playful recklessness that we, the ones who are now Waiting For A New Beastie Boys Record Dads, honestly always lacked but heartily admired nonetheless.

But then, as our 20's ebbed away, and kids started appearing along with their obligatory and incessant Raffi CDs, and middle age loomed, the Beastie Boys stopped. And we became a demographic. A hungry, lonely, desperate demographic. Just look in the eyes of any dad loading a screaming toddler into a minivan. I mean really look at the guy. He's one. We're everywhere. Come get us.

And the thing is, it would be easy for the candidates to incorporate an appeal into their existing styles. Bush could declare, squinting, that he knows the Beasties have been developing material for years and he's going to march in and get it recorded, with or without the UN. Edwards could call upon his trial lawyer experience and long record of helping common folks fight for their right to party. And though it might be risky, Kerry could hurl old copies of Beasties classics like Paul's Boutique and Check Your Head over a fence to send a message that they just aren't good enough any more. Of course, any of the contenders could also promise to nominate Ad-Rock to be Secretary of Illin'. Sure, the pundits would scoff. But that shrewd campaigner would win the vote of every single Waiting For A New Beastie Boys Record Dad across this great nation of ours.

Sorry!
Been down for a while. Uh...cause.
Sorry.
It's been rough for Outkast lately. First, the unbelievably stupid theme at the Grammy Awards. And now, their large implicit sponsor is calling their claims into question.

I empathize with Joe Lieberman. Because I am a Seattle sports fan.

Lieberman is a smart well-respected guy, who came close, but not all that close, to getting the Democratic nomination this year. The Seattle Seahawks, Mariners, and Sonics usually field decent teams that sometimes get into the playoffs where they generally lose.

John Kerry is authentically Bostonian. Like the Celtics, he seemed destined a year or so ago to be triumphant in the primaries and coast to the nomination. Like the Red Sox, he then seemed to have all the ingredients but none of the luck, destined to flop. Then, like the Patriots, he started piling up wins and heading for the Super Bowl. Big ups, crushing downs.

In Seattle, we watch this ecstasy and agony and wish we could be a part of it. Instead, we never win it all or end up as colossally glorious failures. The Seahawks made the NFL playoffs this year but lost in the first round to Green Bay. The Mariners had a winning season but failed to qualify for the post-season. The Sonics, lead by players regarded as pretty good, win about as many games as they lose and don’t seem likely to change that pattern in my lifetime. Having followed these teams my whole life, the candidacy of Joe Lieberman makes perfect sense to me. Like Lieberman, Seattle sports teams show up, do okay, and then just sort of wither. It’s the curse of mediocrity.

Lieberman and my teams are not alone in this cursed position. You could find tons of examples of things and people that fit this mold: the movie career of Jeff Goldblum. Celery. Any Cheap Trick album after Live at Budokan. The Mariners, Sonics, Seahawks, and Lieberman fit this oeuvre nicely. Corduroy fabric, Dabney Coleman, Fresca, a 9:30 CBS sitcom, Lime flavored anything, Art Garfunkel. It’s no coincidence that Lieberman staked his candidacy on doing well in Delaware. Delaware is so Lieberman.

What makes this purgatory so hard for Seattle fans and Liebermaniacs – I doubt they really call themselves that but they should—is that drama is the one thing you really want in sports and presidential politics. I mean, why else watch?

So now Lieberman is out and he goes back to his position of pretty good Senator from Connecticut. And I’m through rooting for my teams to either win it all or fail in spectacular appalling entertaining ways because that’s just not going to happen. I think I’ll start referring to the Sonics, Mariners, and Seahawks as, collectively, the Seattle Liebermans. Or Liebermen. Who knows? Maybe they’ll even pick up some Joe-mentum.

Super Bowl II

I don't care how CBS and Justin Timberlake try to spin it like it was an accident, I think it was totally inappropriate to "accidentally" rip off Janet Jackson's emotional exterior and reveal her beast. I know that these days people trot out their beasts all the time. Heck, if you pick up the Ambercomber Finks catalog it's full of nubile women and their jackals, wolverines, wild boars, and shrews. I think she should only show her beasts to her husband DeBarge. And besides, isn't a beast more enticing when we don't know what it looks like? We could imagine that Janet might have had a hedgehog or a lemur or an ocelot down there. But instead they go and reveal her beast on national television: a badger. It's not sexy and not right for TV.

Super Bowl

I don't care how CBS and Justin Timberlake try to spin it like it was an accident, I think it was totally inappropriate to "accidentally" rip off Janet Jackson's emotional exterior and reveal her soul. I know that these days you can see people's souls in movies all the time and, heck, even in the Abercromber Finch catalog but I guess I'm old fashioned. I think she should only share her soul with her husband DeBarge. And besides, isn't a soul more enticing when we don't know what it looks like? We could imagine that Janet's soul contained a longing for freedom from the constraints of celebrity or a virulent hatred of dogs (I'm just blue-skying here). But instead they go and reveal her soul on national television. It's not sexy and not right for TV.