Wow.

I fear that all these signatures will merely be like specks of... I don't know, something....in, like, a breeze.

Passing The Time...
Until the Beastie Boys release new material, I spend time here.

I Review Books for a Large Internet Bookstore.

Here were some of my favorites of the past year:
this one
this one also
and this
this one was good too
I liked this one
Oh and this one.

But this one was just terrible.

We Got Out of Town for Christmas
To Sequim, which is on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. Rented a house, tried to get away from some or most of the seasonal insanity. Sequim is also home to the Olympic Game Farm, a sprawling stretch of land which houses yaks, llamas, zebras, buffalo, elk, and reindeer which you can feed from your car as you drive through, nervously. There's also lions, tigers, bears, coyotes, and wolves in separate facilities. Peacocks and rabbits roam about freely.
Well, we were there on the 26th at like 9 am right as it opened. We bought ten bags of bread ($5) and then drove around to feed the animals. Here's the thing: the place was closed on Christmas Day and we figure it was pretty sparsely attended on Christmas Eve. So while we're sure the animals were fed, they probably weren't given that sweet touristy junk food in like three days. So when we got there, it was like driving into the worst part of the inner city with hundred dollar bills and free handguns taped to our car. The animals were all over us. Blocking the car, bumping into the windows, and staaaaring. We got out of their two hours later having given all the bread we can. When we returned to Seattle I had to go through a special car wash to remove yak spit from the car's exterior.

This Book Won't Be Out for a While

But I'm in it. And I really really like the title.

A Poorly Constructed Joke Formed During a Recent Viewing of White Men Can't Jump

Knock Knock
Who's There?
Wesley Snipes' career
Wesley Snipes' career who?
Exactly

Meet The Mariners

The team I'm psychologically abused by on an ongoing basis, the Seattle Mariners, acquired two new players yesterday: Quinton McCracken and Scott Spiezio. Kind of non-descript as ballplayers but it turns out they're kind of interesting.
This from the story on McCracken, "McCracken, 33, was a double major at Duke University, graduating in four years with degrees in political science and history." And this on Spiezio from the newscast on KUOW yesterday, "Spiezio was quoted last night as saying, 'I've always loved Seattle. It's the birthplace of grunge, you know. I've always liked the town, the stadium's awesome and the fans are pretty dang cool.' Spiezio is a switch hitter and plays in a band named Sandfrog.

Spiderholes Are Just All Right With Me

Hey, I wasn't watching TV much this weekend but I saw something on the set in Radio Shack when I walked by. Did we capture Michael McDonald from the Doobie Brothers?

Great Moments in Advertising

On the street where I work, there are three bubble tea places. Today, I saw this sign on the window at one of them:

Have you tried Bubble Tea Hot?
Try new Wow! Hot Milk Latte Bubble Tea!
It's the End of Taste!

Mmmm. Can't wait.

I'm Being Sued by the Dr. Seuss Estate

Well, I hope not. But it's more possible than it was a few days ago.

I had a commentary/sketch on NPR's All Things Considered on Monday. It's written as a letter from Max, the Grinch's dog, to the Grinch after the Grinch has turned nice. And Max isn't happy about it.

Also, I had a story on NPR's Only A Game (a weekly sports show) this past weekend about Shana Heavey, a 16-year-old dwarf, who plays on the varsity lacrosse team at her school. That story is located here:

Listen if you like.

WOW!

I just heard that GWAR has endorsed Howard Dean. This is really big! Oh, wait...it was who? Oh never mind.

The Challenge

Sure, there's going to be lots of jokes about Michael Jackson. More than ever before. Very few of them will be funny, even fewer will be original.
I'd like to step forward and encourage people to try harder than they otherwise would and make jokes that reference more obscures songs from either the Michael Jackson catalog. Can the "Beat It" reference, go instead for "Prison? I bet he's never Ben there before." Leave off anything about the kid not being his son. Instead, explore "I think these accusations are completely Off the Wall."
Yes, the lines I favor are more work. And perhaps not even as funny. But they're better for your brain and better for the world.
I'm going to keep thinking of more and I encourage you to do the same. Feel free to send me your ideas.

Here's some more:
I always figured that, as promised, he'd stop once he had got enough.
Apparently the Man in the Mirror wasn't willing to make that change.
If he is truly guilty but ultimately exonerated, wow, that would be one Smooth Criminal.

If You Haven't Read It Yet...

What's wrong with you? Read The Onion's interview with RZA.

***Please us this as evidence in any future patricide/cannibalism trial involving my son***
(a conversation taking place last night with son Charlie, who just turned 3)
HIM: Daddy, can I eat you?
ME: No. You can't.
HIM: Are you a ghost, Daddy?
ME: No, I'm not.
HIM: When you are a ghost, I will eat you up, Daddy.
ME: You...what?!
HIM: I will eat you when you are a ghost. I will eat you!

It's an old story but there's plenty of time left to do in-depth analysis

The Yeti has plenty of good riffs on the NPR gift. The only thing I would add is this:
"Welcome back to Talk of the Nation. I'm Grimace."

Do you have a list of celebrities who are very talented and also nice people?

If so, go ahead and add Robyn Hitchcock to that list. You can hear my interview with him on Thursday at 2:35 pm on 94.9 KUOW Seattle if you're in the Seattle area. If not, you can listen online at KUOW.org.

A Conversation With Charlie, Age 3

(while looking at a book about elephants)

HIM: Look, Dad. That's a red elephant.
ME: Well, actually. That's a drawing of an elephant's muscles.
HIM: What are muscles?
ME: They're things in your body that make you move around. Like when you stand up, you're using muscles.
HIM: Can I stand up?
ME: Of course. Go ahead.
HIM: (standing) Muscles! What's that elephant?
ME: That one shows an elephant's bones. Everybody has bones that hold them up.
HIM: Does an elephant have bones?
ME: Well, yeah. As is demonstrated in that drawing.
HIM: Does a dog have bones?
ME: Yes.
HIM: No. A dog eats bones.
ME: Hmmm. You're right. But it's different bones. A dog doesn't eat its own bones.
HIM: Will a dog eat my bones?
ME: I don't expect it will.
HIM: I have bones and muscles inside me.
ME: That's right.
HIM: And pipes, of course.
(pause)
ME: Wanna go play with cars?

Sometimes the problem is this....

Exactly which one to put on the computer as wallpaper.

Some People Can Just Enjoy New Food In Silence.

Others must write about it. I'm one of the others.

It's pretty impressive when you think about it

Sure, many of the Transformers can turn into a helicopter or a truck or whatever. But only one can turn into a planet. I got excited writing about it. I mean, Charlie Williams got excited.