Can't Stop Posting!

Homoerotic political subtext.

White House Lies

About something dumb! And misses the chance to participate in a funny bit of fun.

Remember This:

The Republican political machine is flawless. They anticipate every possible problem and are ready to preempt any opposition. They operate in a tight circle and information never gets out of that tiny perimeter.

Also, they left their notes in a Starbucks.

Got a review of that book

You know, the one people find interesting. It's a really good book, actually.

Of course, I've reviewed interesting things before.

Yep, that's hi-larious.

Bush spoke at the correspondent's dinner and made a little film. Sounds like a laff riot. The Democrats sure thought so.

As the 9/11 commission searches for answers...

Only Jay-zeezer provides them.

No one can stop the Pentagon Ninja!

Found the Rumsfeld Fighting Technique via Angry Bear.

More Rejected NPR Commentaries

Springtime is here and for me that means one thing: fantasy baseball! Time to draft my fantasy team and gear up for the fantasy season. And once again, I was able to get every player I wanted! The other people in my league picked guys like Alfonso Soriano, Andy Pettite, Eric Gagne. Nice players but we're talking fantasy baseball. Is Eric Gagne really a part of anyone's fantasy?

This may be the best fantasy team I've ever fielded. Here's the lineup:

Fantasy pitcher - the pitcher from the poem Casey at the Bat. Think about it: he throws three consecutive strikes to the greatest hitter in the game! Doesn't try to fool him with junk outside the strike zone. Goes after Casey, gets the strikeout. Such moxie! That guy, whatever his name is, he's on my fantasy team.

Fantasy catcher - Crash Davis. The Kevin Costner character from Bull Durham. Great with younger players, witty, articulate, good clubhouse guy. And it's Costner in his prime before he started looking like he ate bad fish all the time. In fact, Crash Davis is the only movie character on my fantasy team. Roy Hobbs from "The Natural"? Just seems like such a downer. Field of Dreams ghost players? Too spooky. Comical cast of bumblers from "Major League"? I suspect their antics would grow tiresome.

Fantasy first baseman - Gandalf

Fantasy second baseman - Jaclyn Smith. Okay, sentimental pick. But when you have a fantasy player that you've been with a long time, you stick with them. Builds morale.

Fantasy third baseman - A healthy Aaron Boone. If Boone hadn't blown out his knee this offseason, the Yankees would never have traded for Alex Rodriguez thus revealing the universe to be a cruel chaotic place where treachery alone reigns. But on my fantasy team, Aaron Boone never hurt his knee and all is well. I love fantasy baseball!

Fantasy shortstop - A magical unicorn.

Fantasy left fielder - Ted Williams. Circa 1941. He hit .406 that year, dominated the American League. And he was all in one piece and respected. My fantasy is for that to still be the case. I don't know how well Ted will get along with the unicorn but a little tension might be good in the clubhouse.

Fantasy center fielder - John Fogerty. I've been listening to him beg to be put in center field for years. I'm going to give him that chance. It's his fantasy AND mine. I figure he'll hustle if nothing else. And entertain the team on fantasy road trips.

Fantasy right fielder- a bucket of steroids! They're not much for fielding but I'm told they've led to tons of home runs the last few years. As the fantasy general manager, I'm willing to accept the inherent risks.

So that's my fantasy team: unnamed Casey at the bat pitcher guy, Crash Davis, Gandalf, Jaclyn Smith, magical unicorn, Ted Williams, John Fogerty, and a bucket of steroids. And I'll see you at the fantasy ballpark!

Oh My

Well, I'll just be here all day long. Find out who in your neighborhood gave how much to what candidate! Search by celebrity last names! Preliminary findings: Josh Malina (West Wing) is a Gephardt man, Jennifer Garner is Edwards AND Gephardt, Michael Eisner favors Kerry, Paul Reiser likes Dean, Jerry Seinfeld digs Kerry AND Clark. Retired North Carolina basketball coach Dean Smith, not surprisingly, goes with Edwards.

Remember that time when you asked me why the Internet was invented?

Here's why.

Everything is Circular.

Tonight on some radio show I do, I talked to Anita Rowland and Markos Moulitsas Zuniga. They're nice. Also talked to Jim Copacino, who is not a blogger and who is also nice. Last night on some radio station, an interview I did with Eric Stoltz was also on the air. He was nice too.

Conversation with 3-year-old son at the zoo yesterday

HIM: Daddy, what comes after birds?
ME: Birds?
HIM: Yeah. What comes after them?
ME: Where...uh...what birds do you mean?
HIM: Birds! Birds in the sky! Birds!
ME: Oh. Right. Birds.
HIM: What comes after them?
ME: Oh. (pause) I don't know.
HIM: Do you want to be a family of wallabies?
ME: Yeah, okay.

I'm Watching Prince on the Ellen Show...
And you know what? He looks like a young female account executive. Bobbed haircut with sassy bangs, sleeveless black turtleneck, multiple ear piercings. Could be named Kristi. Could work in promotions at a radio station. Could meet up with the girls from Theta out at TGI Friday's for a long-standing Mai-Tai night, could date a guy named Brad who's a hot shot in sales. Maybe she's in marketing. Or maybe she's a leasing agent. But it's not Kristi. It's Prince.

I Mostly Just Speak English

But I will say this: Viva Dio! He speaks for America in a high pitched screech and that's why he should be president.