What Makes People Hate America?
This very nearly did it for me.
Monday, March 31, 2003
Friday, March 28, 2003
The Pick n' Roll
So I work on this busy street in Seattle's University District and there's this guy on this one corner that I walk by daily. And he always wants some money and he's one of these guys that tries to engage you in small talk as a prelude to revealing his true intentions. Big hassle but I don't want to be a jerk, right? I'd rather just avoid him but I won't be rude. So now I've discovered that if I use the old-fashioned pick and roll move from basketball, I can avoid him entirely. I walk behind and just off to the side of another pedestrian, putting them between myself and the panhandler. That pedestrian doesn't want to walk directly in front of me so they stay in position. Just before we get to the panhandler, I step up a bit, they step to the side to avoid me and the panhandler has them snared. I curl off behind and I'm on my way.
I'm thinking of signing an actual out of work NBA big man to walk with me at all times to truly perfect this. Maybe I could sign Olden Polynice or Jim McIlvaine.
So I work on this busy street in Seattle's University District and there's this guy on this one corner that I walk by daily. And he always wants some money and he's one of these guys that tries to engage you in small talk as a prelude to revealing his true intentions. Big hassle but I don't want to be a jerk, right? I'd rather just avoid him but I won't be rude. So now I've discovered that if I use the old-fashioned pick and roll move from basketball, I can avoid him entirely. I walk behind and just off to the side of another pedestrian, putting them between myself and the panhandler. That pedestrian doesn't want to walk directly in front of me so they stay in position. Just before we get to the panhandler, I step up a bit, they step to the side to avoid me and the panhandler has them snared. I curl off behind and I'm on my way.
I'm thinking of signing an actual out of work NBA big man to walk with me at all times to truly perfect this. Maybe I could sign Olden Polynice or Jim McIlvaine.
Oh My Word
Great work from Kottke. A Tom Hanks Filmography. Next to this, regular funny doesn't seem funny.
Great work from Kottke. A Tom Hanks Filmography. Next to this, regular funny doesn't seem funny.
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Some of the Reasons I Have No Future In Hip-Hop
1. Proposed rap: "Goin' to that store to rent myself a VIDEO/ Maybe watch Mark Harmon star in DA PRESIDIO!"
2. Proposed rap: "Sittin out in da hotel FOYER/ Tryin' to catch a glimpse of Jamie MOYER"
3. I would be likely to call Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott by her nickname every time. "Would you like some punch, Misdemeanor? You wanna play volleyball, Misdemeanor?"
4. I would pronounce the non-existent "r" in "Timbaland". "Hello Timberland! Would you like to join Misdemeanor and I for some cake?"
5. Proposed rap: "I mourned the death of Carroll O'CONNOR!/ I sensed he had a lot of HONOR!"
1. Proposed rap: "Goin' to that store to rent myself a VIDEO/ Maybe watch Mark Harmon star in DA PRESIDIO!"
2. Proposed rap: "Sittin out in da hotel FOYER/ Tryin' to catch a glimpse of Jamie MOYER"
3. I would be likely to call Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott by her nickname every time. "Would you like some punch, Misdemeanor? You wanna play volleyball, Misdemeanor?"
4. I would pronounce the non-existent "r" in "Timbaland". "Hello Timberland! Would you like to join Misdemeanor and I for some cake?"
5. Proposed rap: "I mourned the death of Carroll O'CONNOR!/ I sensed he had a lot of HONOR!"
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
Tuesday, March 25, 2003
Politeness
Well, what do you do when you're in a coffee shop and they've misspelled "capuccino" as "capacino"? Do you tell a person who's underpaid and overworked that they or their employer are wrong about something so trivial, thereby risking them thinking that you think they're dumb? Or do you let it slide and thus enable the global decline into verbal lawlessness? And if they did spell it wrong, so what and what is spelling anyway and can't we all be brothers and have a flower? Or is it a genuinely helpful thing to do and they'll appreciate your candor as well as an opportunity to present themselves in a more refined manner?
Today, I kept my mouth shut and just, you know, sort of seethed.
Last week, my bank was running a special for employees of nearby businesses including a restaurant called "Old Spaghetti Factory". But at this bank, the one with all my money, it was listed as "old spegeti factery".
I just about had an aneurysm.
Well, what do you do when you're in a coffee shop and they've misspelled "capuccino" as "capacino"? Do you tell a person who's underpaid and overworked that they or their employer are wrong about something so trivial, thereby risking them thinking that you think they're dumb? Or do you let it slide and thus enable the global decline into verbal lawlessness? And if they did spell it wrong, so what and what is spelling anyway and can't we all be brothers and have a flower? Or is it a genuinely helpful thing to do and they'll appreciate your candor as well as an opportunity to present themselves in a more refined manner?
Today, I kept my mouth shut and just, you know, sort of seethed.
Last week, my bank was running a special for employees of nearby businesses including a restaurant called "Old Spaghetti Factory". But at this bank, the one with all my money, it was listed as "old spegeti factery".
I just about had an aneurysm.
Monday, March 24, 2003
Afghanistan
Did you know Afghanistan has a web site? Afghanistan has a web site. Such things as web sites and computers were, well, discouraged under the Taliban. But now Afghanistan has a web site. Wow.
Did you know Afghanistan has a web site? Afghanistan has a web site. Such things as web sites and computers were, well, discouraged under the Taliban. But now Afghanistan has a web site. Wow.
Effective Acting
Every morning, my 2 year-old son calls for me from his room and I hear it on the baby monitor. Usually, he yells "Daddy!" and I ignore it for a while, especially if it's early in the morning, hoping maybe he'll go back to sleep. This morning, he yelled "Daddy" for a short while, then paused, and then said in a worried voice "Where could them be?" Obviously, I ran right up there.
Every morning, my 2 year-old son calls for me from his room and I hear it on the baby monitor. Usually, he yells "Daddy!" and I ignore it for a while, especially if it's early in the morning, hoping maybe he'll go back to sleep. This morning, he yelled "Daddy" for a short while, then paused, and then said in a worried voice "Where could them be?" Obviously, I ran right up there.
Friday, March 21, 2003
More Than Meets The Eye
Oh man. I give up. I can't actually write comedy when this guy roams the earth.
Oh man. I give up. I can't actually write comedy when this guy roams the earth.
100 SUPERGROUPS 100
Bananarammstein
Orchestral Manoeuvres in Tha Dogg Pound
Atari Teenage Quiet Riot
Average Great White Band
'Lil Bow Wow Wow
Frank Black Sabbath
The Guess The Who
PJ Harvey Danger
Badly Drawn Boy George
Fine Young Fresh Cannibal Fellows
Better Than Enya
Better Than Joan Baezra
Semisonic Youth
Steely Dan Fogelberg
The Rolling Stone Roses
Ace of Basehead
Christian Sleater Kinney
Sister Christian Sleater Kinney
Twisted Sister Christian Sleater Kinney
The Magnetic Sally Fields
A Tribe Called Question Mark and the Mysterians
Peter Buckcherry
Kool Moe Deeeee-lite
Peter, Paul, and Sky Cries Mary
Camper Van Halen
Tony Tone Toni Basil
Destiny's Child Prodigy
Megadeth Cab for Cutie
Kid n' Coldplay
De La Soul Coughing
De La Soul II Soul Coughing
Dave Matthews The Band
AeroSmiths
Moby Moby Grape
Grateful Dead Can Dance
English Beat Happening
Aaron Carter Family
American Mickey Music Mouse Club
Harry Chapin Carpenters
Run-DMC&C Music Factory
Pearl Jam & Bread
Credence Bongwater Revival
Beastie Boys II Men
Beastie Beach Boys II Men
Backstreet Beastie Beach Boys II Men Without Hats
Medeski, Martin, and Wood and Ron Wood and Dean Martin and Another Guy Named Medeski
Joe C. & the Pussycats
Patti LaBelle & Sebastian
Savion, Danny, and Crispin Gloverboy
Barry Whitesnake
Residents of the United States of America
Barenaked Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Supertramp!
Brooks & Dunn and Bradstreet
Sly & The Family Stone Temple Pilots
U2Pac
The Notorious R.E.M.
Crosby, Stills, & Nashville Pussy
Alan Jackson 5
Ugly Kid Joe Jackson
Indigo Girls Against Boys
Lifehouse of Pain
Third Eye Blind Melon
Third Eye Blind Mellencamp
Third Eye Blind Cougar Mellencamp
Sixpence None The Richard Thompson
Body Counting Crows
Color Me Badd Religion
A Perfect Circle Jerks
Talk Mister Duran, Talk Mister Duran
Primal Screaming Trees
Elton John Denver
Incubusty Springfield
Grant Lee Buffalo Tom Jones
DMXTC
Toto the Wet Sprocket
Simon and Gar Funk Railroad
'Lil Kim Carnes
Bell Biv Devo
Rage Against Tin Machine
Days of the New Edition
Sugar Ray Cyrus
Peaches and Herb Alpert
Marilyn Hanson
Carole King Missile
Fatboy Slim Whitman
Blink b-52's
Blink 188 Special
General Public Enemy
Sisters of Percy Sledge
Faith No Morcheeba
Jars of Robert Cray
Keith Sweat and Tears
The Mamas and the Papa Roach
Suge Knight Ranger
Phish Styx
Police Cars
Morris Day Real Estate
Del Amitri, tha Funkee Homosapien
2 Live Cutting Crew
Celine Dio
K-Ci & Falco
The Crystal Gayle Method
Bananarammstein
Orchestral Manoeuvres in Tha Dogg Pound
Atari Teenage Quiet Riot
Average Great White Band
'Lil Bow Wow Wow
Frank Black Sabbath
The Guess The Who
PJ Harvey Danger
Badly Drawn Boy George
Fine Young Fresh Cannibal Fellows
Better Than Enya
Better Than Joan Baezra
Semisonic Youth
Steely Dan Fogelberg
The Rolling Stone Roses
Ace of Basehead
Christian Sleater Kinney
Sister Christian Sleater Kinney
Twisted Sister Christian Sleater Kinney
The Magnetic Sally Fields
A Tribe Called Question Mark and the Mysterians
Peter Buckcherry
Kool Moe Deeeee-lite
Peter, Paul, and Sky Cries Mary
Camper Van Halen
Tony Tone Toni Basil
Destiny's Child Prodigy
Megadeth Cab for Cutie
Kid n' Coldplay
De La Soul Coughing
De La Soul II Soul Coughing
Dave Matthews The Band
AeroSmiths
Moby Moby Grape
Grateful Dead Can Dance
English Beat Happening
Aaron Carter Family
American Mickey Music Mouse Club
Harry Chapin Carpenters
Run-DMC&C Music Factory
Pearl Jam & Bread
Credence Bongwater Revival
Beastie Boys II Men
Beastie Beach Boys II Men
Backstreet Beastie Beach Boys II Men Without Hats
Medeski, Martin, and Wood and Ron Wood and Dean Martin and Another Guy Named Medeski
Joe C. & the Pussycats
Patti LaBelle & Sebastian
Savion, Danny, and Crispin Gloverboy
Barry Whitesnake
Residents of the United States of America
Barenaked Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Supertramp!
Brooks & Dunn and Bradstreet
Sly & The Family Stone Temple Pilots
U2Pac
The Notorious R.E.M.
Crosby, Stills, & Nashville Pussy
Alan Jackson 5
Ugly Kid Joe Jackson
Indigo Girls Against Boys
Lifehouse of Pain
Third Eye Blind Melon
Third Eye Blind Mellencamp
Third Eye Blind Cougar Mellencamp
Sixpence None The Richard Thompson
Body Counting Crows
Color Me Badd Religion
A Perfect Circle Jerks
Talk Mister Duran, Talk Mister Duran
Primal Screaming Trees
Elton John Denver
Incubusty Springfield
Grant Lee Buffalo Tom Jones
DMXTC
Toto the Wet Sprocket
Simon and Gar Funk Railroad
'Lil Kim Carnes
Bell Biv Devo
Rage Against Tin Machine
Days of the New Edition
Sugar Ray Cyrus
Peaches and Herb Alpert
Marilyn Hanson
Carole King Missile
Fatboy Slim Whitman
Blink b-52's
Blink 188 Special
General Public Enemy
Sisters of Percy Sledge
Faith No Morcheeba
Jars of Robert Cray
Keith Sweat and Tears
The Mamas and the Papa Roach
Suge Knight Ranger
Phish Styx
Police Cars
Morris Day Real Estate
Del Amitri, tha Funkee Homosapien
2 Live Cutting Crew
Celine Dio
K-Ci & Falco
The Crystal Gayle Method
HOW I WOULD BOAST ABOUT MY HEAD SIZE IF I WERE SOMEONE ELSE
Soft Drink Vending Machine Sales Rep:
I know you have options for your soda machine needs here in the Mesa area. But let me ask you this: Who do you trust? A salesman who is a soda drinker? Or a salesman who doesn’t drink soda? Look at my head, Principal Matthews. It’s big. What made it so big? Soda. I got gallons of soda sloshing around in my skull right now. That’s why my head is so gosh-darn big, that’s why you should go with Amalgamated Beverage. I just have a head for soda, you might say. Heh-heh. Uhh. Okay, then.
Baseball Player:
I feel like John Moe has given a lot to this team and all John Moe is asking is for some recognition of that. John Moe’s head has been the biggest on the team for the last five years, John Moe’s head has been one of the biggest in the league for John Moe’s whole career. But if the team won’t recognize the contribution of John Moe’s head with a long-term deal at market value, maybe they should trade John Moe to a contender, somewhere that appreciates the kind of circumference John Moe’s head brings. John Moe would miss the people of Montreal and every one of his Expos teammates but John Moe’s got to do what’s right for John Moe. Peace.
Recipient of Academy Award:
It took so many people to make this head, I accept this for all of them. Thanks to Mom and Dad, I love you guys, for the genetic make-up and the Nordic heritage that made this head size possible. Thanks to the guys at Don’s Barbershop for the haircuts. Couldn’t have done it without you. Please don’t start playing that music! I may never get here again! Finally, to all you youngsters with growing heads out there, I just want to say, keep working hard. Dreams do come true. Thank you.
Playground Basketball Player:
You think you can get past my head? Where you goin’? Where you goin’ with that tiny head of yours? You think a move like that gonna get past my head? My head? Get that shit outta here! Bam! Now, I got the ball, baby. My nasty ol’ big ol’ head and me got the ball and you tryin’ to guard me. I’m goin’ to the rack with my head and it’s too big for you to stop. You can’t stop a freight train, baby, and you can’t stop a bull and you can’t stop my head! Bam!
Frustrated Theater Director:
Everyone here? I have some notes and then we’re going to run the whole play again. Seven and seven eighths. That’s the size of my head. Nearly an eight! That’s the head that was big enough to study at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts Summer program. That’s the head that was big enough to act with Ed Begley, Jr. in The Music Man. That is the head that was so fucking large, it was cast in a god-damned Crisco commercial! So until you one of you grows a head to rival mine, I’m in charge! And until you start listening to my notes, especially you Mr. Shuffly Feet, we are going to run this play over and over. Places for the top of act one!
Foppish Hat Store Customer:
Pardon me, good sir, I’m interested in purchasing a chapeau today. But I will require more than your average fedora, cap, or stovepipe. You see I have been endowed with a rather enormous head. Yes, but it’s really quite tiresome. Few citizens find my enormous skull anything short of remarkable and heroic. Daily, they festoon my house with all manner of ribbons and sweetmeats. So I shall require a bonnet of some great sort to mask this head of mine. Damn the hoi polloi, I say, let my head be protected from their sight with the very fanciest, most splendid hat in the shop. (glances around in anticipation of fawning public.)
Unsuccessful Rock Guitarist:
No, I think Wondermuck is okay. It’s just everyone makes a big deal about Andrew or Drew or whatever his name, the guitarist, and, I’m sorry, that guy just has a tiny head. It’s fucking wee, man. I mean, it’s cool they got signed cause maybe the labels will come to more shows around here. I’m just saying that if they had a guitarist with a bigger head, they’d be better. Like my head. I would never join Wondermuck even if they asked me but if they had a head as big as mine...man...
Sheriff in Western Movie:
Now listen up! Things are gonna be different in this town and I’ll tell you why! There’s a new head in town, my head, and it’s big. It can carry enough justice for all of ya. If any of you cowboys, especially Butch’s Gang, think you got a bigger head than mine, then meet me out on the street here at noon. But I’ll tell you this: by half past twelve, it will still be my head making the laws around here and it will be your heads living by them.
Monkey:
Aaaahhh! Aaaahhhh! (patting my head) Ooh! Ooh! (pounding my chest) Aaaahhh! (stroking my head) Eee! (throwing poo)
**
Soft Drink Vending Machine Sales Rep:
I know you have options for your soda machine needs here in the Mesa area. But let me ask you this: Who do you trust? A salesman who is a soda drinker? Or a salesman who doesn’t drink soda? Look at my head, Principal Matthews. It’s big. What made it so big? Soda. I got gallons of soda sloshing around in my skull right now. That’s why my head is so gosh-darn big, that’s why you should go with Amalgamated Beverage. I just have a head for soda, you might say. Heh-heh. Uhh. Okay, then.
Baseball Player:
I feel like John Moe has given a lot to this team and all John Moe is asking is for some recognition of that. John Moe’s head has been the biggest on the team for the last five years, John Moe’s head has been one of the biggest in the league for John Moe’s whole career. But if the team won’t recognize the contribution of John Moe’s head with a long-term deal at market value, maybe they should trade John Moe to a contender, somewhere that appreciates the kind of circumference John Moe’s head brings. John Moe would miss the people of Montreal and every one of his Expos teammates but John Moe’s got to do what’s right for John Moe. Peace.
Recipient of Academy Award:
It took so many people to make this head, I accept this for all of them. Thanks to Mom and Dad, I love you guys, for the genetic make-up and the Nordic heritage that made this head size possible. Thanks to the guys at Don’s Barbershop for the haircuts. Couldn’t have done it without you. Please don’t start playing that music! I may never get here again! Finally, to all you youngsters with growing heads out there, I just want to say, keep working hard. Dreams do come true. Thank you.
Playground Basketball Player:
You think you can get past my head? Where you goin’? Where you goin’ with that tiny head of yours? You think a move like that gonna get past my head? My head? Get that shit outta here! Bam! Now, I got the ball, baby. My nasty ol’ big ol’ head and me got the ball and you tryin’ to guard me. I’m goin’ to the rack with my head and it’s too big for you to stop. You can’t stop a freight train, baby, and you can’t stop a bull and you can’t stop my head! Bam!
Frustrated Theater Director:
Everyone here? I have some notes and then we’re going to run the whole play again. Seven and seven eighths. That’s the size of my head. Nearly an eight! That’s the head that was big enough to study at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts Summer program. That’s the head that was big enough to act with Ed Begley, Jr. in The Music Man. That is the head that was so fucking large, it was cast in a god-damned Crisco commercial! So until you one of you grows a head to rival mine, I’m in charge! And until you start listening to my notes, especially you Mr. Shuffly Feet, we are going to run this play over and over. Places for the top of act one!
Foppish Hat Store Customer:
Pardon me, good sir, I’m interested in purchasing a chapeau today. But I will require more than your average fedora, cap, or stovepipe. You see I have been endowed with a rather enormous head. Yes, but it’s really quite tiresome. Few citizens find my enormous skull anything short of remarkable and heroic. Daily, they festoon my house with all manner of ribbons and sweetmeats. So I shall require a bonnet of some great sort to mask this head of mine. Damn the hoi polloi, I say, let my head be protected from their sight with the very fanciest, most splendid hat in the shop. (glances around in anticipation of fawning public.)
Unsuccessful Rock Guitarist:
No, I think Wondermuck is okay. It’s just everyone makes a big deal about Andrew or Drew or whatever his name, the guitarist, and, I’m sorry, that guy just has a tiny head. It’s fucking wee, man. I mean, it’s cool they got signed cause maybe the labels will come to more shows around here. I’m just saying that if they had a guitarist with a bigger head, they’d be better. Like my head. I would never join Wondermuck even if they asked me but if they had a head as big as mine...man...
Sheriff in Western Movie:
Now listen up! Things are gonna be different in this town and I’ll tell you why! There’s a new head in town, my head, and it’s big. It can carry enough justice for all of ya. If any of you cowboys, especially Butch’s Gang, think you got a bigger head than mine, then meet me out on the street here at noon. But I’ll tell you this: by half past twelve, it will still be my head making the laws around here and it will be your heads living by them.
Monkey:
Aaaahhh! Aaaahhhh! (patting my head) Ooh! Ooh! (pounding my chest) Aaaahhh! (stroking my head) Eee! (throwing poo)
**
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