HOW I WOULD BOAST ABOUT MY HEAD SIZE IF I WERE SOMEONE ELSE

Soft Drink Vending Machine Sales Rep:
I know you have options for your soda machine needs here in the Mesa area. But let me ask you this: Who do you trust? A salesman who is a soda drinker? Or a salesman who doesn’t drink soda? Look at my head, Principal Matthews. It’s big. What made it so big? Soda. I got gallons of soda sloshing around in my skull right now. That’s why my head is so gosh-darn big, that’s why you should go with Amalgamated Beverage. I just have a head for soda, you might say. Heh-heh. Uhh. Okay, then.

Baseball Player:
I feel like John Moe has given a lot to this team and all John Moe is asking is for some recognition of that. John Moe’s head has been the biggest on the team for the last five years, John Moe’s head has been one of the biggest in the league for John Moe’s whole career. But if the team won’t recognize the contribution of John Moe’s head with a long-term deal at market value, maybe they should trade John Moe to a contender, somewhere that appreciates the kind of circumference John Moe’s head brings. John Moe would miss the people of Montreal and every one of his Expos teammates but John Moe’s got to do what’s right for John Moe. Peace.

Recipient of Academy Award:
It took so many people to make this head, I accept this for all of them. Thanks to Mom and Dad, I love you guys, for the genetic make-up and the Nordic heritage that made this head size possible. Thanks to the guys at Don’s Barbershop for the haircuts. Couldn’t have done it without you. Please don’t start playing that music! I may never get here again! Finally, to all you youngsters with growing heads out there, I just want to say, keep working hard. Dreams do come true. Thank you.

Playground Basketball Player:
You think you can get past my head? Where you goin’? Where you goin’ with that tiny head of yours? You think a move like that gonna get past my head? My head? Get that shit outta here! Bam! Now, I got the ball, baby. My nasty ol’ big ol’ head and me got the ball and you tryin’ to guard me. I’m goin’ to the rack with my head and it’s too big for you to stop. You can’t stop a freight train, baby, and you can’t stop a bull and you can’t stop my head! Bam!

Frustrated Theater Director:
Everyone here? I have some notes and then we’re going to run the whole play again. Seven and seven eighths. That’s the size of my head. Nearly an eight! That’s the head that was big enough to study at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts Summer program. That’s the head that was big enough to act with Ed Begley, Jr. in The Music Man. That is the head that was so fucking large, it was cast in a god-damned Crisco commercial! So until you one of you grows a head to rival mine, I’m in charge! And until you start listening to my notes, especially you Mr. Shuffly Feet, we are going to run this play over and over. Places for the top of act one!

Foppish Hat Store Customer:
Pardon me, good sir, I’m interested in purchasing a chapeau today. But I will require more than your average fedora, cap, or stovepipe. You see I have been endowed with a rather enormous head. Yes, but it’s really quite tiresome. Few citizens find my enormous skull anything short of remarkable and heroic. Daily, they festoon my house with all manner of ribbons and sweetmeats. So I shall require a bonnet of some great sort to mask this head of mine. Damn the hoi polloi, I say, let my head be protected from their sight with the very fanciest, most splendid hat in the shop. (glances around in anticipation of fawning public.)

Unsuccessful Rock Guitarist:
No, I think Wondermuck is okay. It’s just everyone makes a big deal about Andrew or Drew or whatever his name, the guitarist, and, I’m sorry, that guy just has a tiny head. It’s fucking wee, man. I mean, it’s cool they got signed cause maybe the labels will come to more shows around here. I’m just saying that if they had a guitarist with a bigger head, they’d be better. Like my head. I would never join Wondermuck even if they asked me but if they had a head as big as mine...man...

Sheriff in Western Movie:
Now listen up! Things are gonna be different in this town and I’ll tell you why! There’s a new head in town, my head, and it’s big. It can carry enough justice for all of ya. If any of you cowboys, especially Butch’s Gang, think you got a bigger head than mine, then meet me out on the street here at noon. But I’ll tell you this: by half past twelve, it will still be my head making the laws around here and it will be your heads living by them.

Monkey:
Aaaahhh! Aaaahhhh! (patting my head) Ooh! Ooh! (pounding my chest) Aaaahhh! (stroking my head) Eee! (throwing poo)
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