Friday, December 17, 2004

The House of Flying Daggers

It's a movie that opens this weekend.

I gotta think if you're a real estate agent, that's going to be a hard house to sell.

Buyers would tour the place and try to be polite:
"No, I like the closet space, there was plenty of that. Yeah, and the location is fantastic, you're right, close to schools and shopping. The kitchen was beautiful, I can tell it was recently remodeled and the commercial grade stove and fridge are really great. No, I loved the bathroom with the clawfoot tub and the antique fixtures and all that. The thing is, I just can't imagine really feeling comfortable living here with all the flying daggers. Yes, actually, there are a lot of them. Look, there goes one now. No, you're wrong, it IS a problem. I've already been stabbed four times. Can we please look at some other houses now? I know it's priced to sell but it just doesn't feel like home to me. Yes, precisely because of the flying daggers."

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Thoughts on the Sonics.

- Danny Fortson dominates the game when he's in. It doesn't even show up in the stats but it's just a different game when he's in there. Either he's crashing the post or people think he's going to. Either he's grabbing a rebound or everyone wonders if he will. Also he went with a fetching top of the head ponytail, Barbara Eden-style, instead of the pig tails last night.
- Luke Ridnour. He's good. He's fast, he can shoot, and he seems like a robot. Seriously, dude has no personality. It's like having a basketball cyborg on your team.
- Nick Collison. Oh yeah, having one of the best college players in the country on your team, and a guy who actually played all four years in college, that's a good thing. It means he's probably good at playing basketball.
- Reggie Evans is the classic beefy sidekick who doesn't need the spotlight but helps in the game. He's the Chewbacca of the team. The Rerun of the team. When they make a movie of the '04-'05 Sonics, he'll be played by John C. Reilly.
- Jerome James. Contract year. He's playing well because he knows that if the team wins and he does precisely what he's told, he might just fool people one more time into thinking he's a good player. That's why he's smiling all the time.
- Rashard Lewis. Rashard does not want to make decisions. He does not want to lead the team. He doesn't want to decide if we should go out for Thai or Mexican. He can't make up his mind about seeing that new Hugh Grant movie or the Jim Carrey thing. He doesn't really care whether we spend Christmas with his family or your family. He's the guy who finally gets the overbearing girlfriend (Ray) and it totally works out for everyone. It's not even that he's whipped, he just needs someone to tell him what to do.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

America?

Well, yes. (caution: cussing)


Monday, November 22, 2004

A Conversation With Charlie, Age 4

HIM: And in Ice Age (a film he has never seen) the woolly mammoth fights with the saber-toothed tiger!
ME: Oh, is that what happens?
HIM: Dad, I want to have a fight party. Can we have a fight party where everyone fights?
ME: Well, you know the first rule of fight party.
HIM: What?
ME: Don't talk about fight party.
HIM: No. It's just a party where everyone fights. The woolly mammoth falls into a crack in the glacier and dies.

Monday, November 15, 2004

A Conversation in the car with Charlie, on his last day of being three years old (Saturday)

CHARLIE: I think I might throw up.
ME: Really? Seriously? Do you feel like you're going to?
CHARLIE: I don't know. Maybe.
ME: Well...uh...what do you think?
CHARLIE: I guess we'll just have to wait and find out whether I will or not.
ME: Okay. Okay.
CHARLIE: Because we'll know soon enough.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

I Was Very Spiteful at Starbucks

BARISTA: Would you like a pastry?
ME: Yes. A cinnamon twist, please.
BARISTA: Okay but you have to do the twist first!
ME: If that is a requirement, I will opt for a different pastry.
BARISTA: Oh. I was just joking. Most people do it.
ME: I'd also like a tall drip coffee. Got any jokes about that?
BARISTA: (cowed) No. No, I don't.
ME: Well then maybe you shouldn't start something that you're not prepared to finish. Maybe you should think about that before you step to me.

What a dick I was. My goodness. But then, she really shouldn't have thrown down.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Sorry.

Been psychically ill. I don't often do this but really, go watch the new Strongbad.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Well, you should really see it.

Triumph in Spin Alley.

Things What Have Been Written

My rumination on Dagwood Bumstead's various issues is up on McSweeney's today.


And here's something I wrote that may be up somewhere else sometime but is here today:

EXCERPTS FROM MY UNSUCCESSFUL AUDITION FOR VH-1’S “I LOVE THE 80’S”

The Rubik’s what? No I’m sorry, I’ve never—is that a math thing? No? Rubik’s Cube. Never heard of it. Pass.

Pat Benatar! Oh yeah! Remember in that one video she was an angry whore and started dancing with all the other angry whores? One time, and this is totally unrelated to Pat Benatar and that video, I stabbed someone.

Oh you bet I had Pac-Man Fever! I played a lot of Pac-Man in the 80’s and what was really funny is that it compounded my loneliness and isolation. The higher score I reached in the game, the lower my emotional ebb. It was a cycle. And then I kept playing, looking for some sort of sense of self-worth, you know, by getting a good score. But you always lose in the end. The ghosts consume you. Just like in life.

Jump! Van Halen! Yeah, they sure looked like they were having fun in that video. You know, funny thing, that song is actually about someone contemplating suicide and David Lee Roth is urging them to do it. Do it. Do it. Doooooooo it. But to me, that’s every Van Halen song. “Hot for Teacher”, “Running with the Devil”. They all urge the same thing. It’s code. But not the Sammy songs. Sammy is Love.

Yes, I’m aware that you have a security guard standing over there. For whatever that’s worth.

Hey, listen, I loved Beverly Hills Cop but I gotta tell you, as someone who’s been up close and personal with the Beverly Hills PD, they are not as funny as Eddie Murphy!...What? No, I wasn’t listening to Corey Feldman’s answer. Did he say the same thing I did? That must be a coincidence…I realize I was in the lobby when he was taping. Are you calling me a liar? Are you? ARE YOU?!

Atari? I’m…uh…is that a Japanese thing? Like a movie monster? I’m sorry. Pass.

Well, the 80’s were all about Ronald Reagan. The Gipper! I’ll never forget when he supported the brutal governments of El Salvador and Guatemala while funding the Contras in Nicaragua in their effort to overthrow a democratically elected leader. Thousands of people died! He was the great communicator!

Oh, I don’t think any of us from that generation will forget the Just Say No campaign. Nancy Reagan. Just Say No. And you know, it worked for everything. Especially attempts by my family to help me. Just Say No! NO!

Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love video was fantastic. All those girls with lobotomies playing instruments. I’m addicted to love too! But I’ve been in withdrawal my whole life, if you know what I mean! Because we live in a world of emotional nihilism. Robert Palmer. Dead now.

“Where everybody knows your name/ And they’re always glad you came”. Oh, I loved Cheers. Watched it every week. And I would always think the same thing: I could probably beat most of that cast in a fight. Not like if they all ganged up, but one at a time? Think about it: Shelley Long? Easy. George Wendt? John Ratzenberger? I’d whup them no problem. Kirstie Alley is tall but one punch and she goes down. Danson might be tough but I fight dirty. Yeah, I think about that all the time. Still. Today. On my way over, I was thinking about it. “You wanna be where everybody knows your name.” Yeah, I’ll teach you MY name.

Duran Duran. That’s not a real thing is it? You’re making that up.

War Games. Great movie. Matthew Broderick. Dabney Coleman. Great movie. And it really happened. Not just based on a true story, though, they filmed it at NORAD and all the equipment was live. That’s why it’s such an awesome movie. It’s authentic! You think those people were acting? It’s no joke, man. But you’ll never hear about it because the Zionists don’t want you to.

If I get this job, do you pay in cash?
Things What I Have Written

1. My piece on Dagwood Bumstead's intervention is up on McSweeney's today.


Here's another thing I wrote that may turn up somewhere but is here today:

EXCERPTS FROM MY UNSUCCESSFUL AUDITION FOR VH-1’S “I LOVE THE 80’S”

The Rubik’s what? No I’m sorry, I’ve never—is that a math thing? No? Rubik’s Cube. Never heard of it. Pass.

Pat Benatar! Oh yeah! Remember in that one video she was an angry whore and started dancing with all the other angry whores? One time, and this is totally unrelated to Pat Benatar and that video, I stabbed someone.

Oh you bet I had Pac-Man Fever! I played a lot of Pac-Man in the 80’s and what was really funny is that it compounded my loneliness and isolation. The higher score I reached in the game, the lower my emotional ebb. It was a cycle. And then I kept playing, looking for some sort of sense of self-worth, you know, by getting a good score. But you always lose in the end. The ghosts consume you. Just like in life.

Jump! Van Halen! Yeah, they sure looked like they were having fun in that video. You know, funny thing, that song is actually about someone contemplating suicide and David Lee Roth is urging them to do it. Do it. Do it. Doooooooo it. But to me, that’s every Van Halen song. “Hot for Teacher”, “Running with the Devil”. They all urge the same thing. It’s code. But not the Sammy songs. Sammy is Love.

Yes, I’m aware that you have a security guard standing over there. For whatever that’s worth.

Hey, listen, I loved Beverly Hills Cop but I gotta tell you, as someone who’s been up close and personal with the Beverly Hills PD, they are not as funny as Eddie Murphy!...What? No, I wasn’t listening to Corey Feldman’s answer. Did he say the same thing I did? That must be a coincidence…I realize I was in the lobby when he was taping. Are you calling me a liar? Are you? ARE YOU?!

Atari? I’m…uh…is that a Japanese thing? Like a movie monster? I’m sorry. Pass.

Well, the 80’s were all about Ronald Reagan. The Gipper! I’ll never forget when he supported the brutal governments of El Salvador and Guatemala while funding the Contras in Nicaragua in their effort to overthrow a democratically elected leader. Thousands of people died! He was the great communicator!

Oh, I don’t think any of us from that generation will forget the Just Say No campaign. Nancy Reagan. Just Say No. And you know, it worked for everything. Especially attempts by my family to help me. Just Say No! NO!

Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love video was fantastic. All those girls with lobotomies playing instruments. I’m addicted to love too! But I’ve been in withdrawal my whole life, if you know what I mean! Because we live in a world of emotional nihilism. Robert Palmer. Dead now.

“Where everybody knows your name/ And they’re always glad you came”. Oh, I loved Cheers. Watched it every week. And I would always think the same thing: I could probably beat most of that cast in a fight. Not like if they all ganged up, but one at a time? Think about it: Shelley Long? Easy. George Wendt? John Ratzenberger? I’d whup them no problem. Kirstie Alley is tall but one punch and she goes down. Danson might be tough but I fight dirty. Yeah, I think about that all the time. Still. Today. On my way over, I was thinking about it. “You wanna be where everybody knows your name.” Yeah, I’ll teach you MY name.

Duran Duran. That’s not a real thing is it? You’re making that up.

War Games. Great movie. Matthew Broderick. Dabney Coleman. Great movie. And it really happened. Not just based on a true story, though, they filmed it at NORAD and all the equipment was live. That’s why it’s such an awesome movie. It’s authentic! You think those people were acting? It’s no joke, man. But you’ll never hear about it because the Zionists don’t want you to.

If I get this job, do you pay in cash?

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Truth Revealed About Bush Bulge!

Listen here!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Our President Seems Animated
Really animated.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Maybe it's because their popularity has waned...

But I think that even if the 80's new wave band Status Quo was still way popular, they wouldn't be invited to participate in the Vote For Change concert tour. Just too awkward.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Okay, I'll Say It

The Jib-Jab thing unveiled today? It sucks. It's not funny.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Ah, the joys of video editing...

Including a neat, if inherently out of context, summation of the GOP convention.

This is Surprising

I know that the Bush folks are political masterminds but I can't figure out why they would publish a photo of Dick Cheney ripping the heart out of a still living Chinese girl. Oh well, Karl Rove is brilliant I guess so he must have his reasons.


This is Surprising

I know that the Bush folks are political masterminds but I can't figure out why they would publish a photo of Dick Cheney ripping the heart out of a still living Chinese girl. Oh well, Karl Rove is brilliant I guess so he must have his reasons.


Friday, October 01, 2004

Faces of Frustration Video...

Man, those Democrats is fast.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Damn, Juan Cole...
That is some good writing.

If it was just him it would be okay...

But the dude was being followed by a Moonshadow! It really is a Wild World. You need a Peace Train. Before it gets to the point where Morning is somehow...Broken.

Happy Richard Perle is Very Surprised Day

We'll keep celebrating every year until that damn square is built.

Friday, September 17, 2004

I talked with Krist Novoselic yesterday...

ME: Hey, thanks for all the music. I appreciate it.
KRIST: You're welcome. What's your name?
ME: John. I work here at the station.
KRIST: Oh.
ME: My son's favorite song is Sliver. He always asks me to play the CD.
KRIST: Hmm. That's an awfully bleak song. (pause) Are you sure he's okay?
ME: That's a good question. He's actually with his grandma right now. Maybe I'd better give them a call.
KRIST: Not a bad idea.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

And the winner for best use of Green Day goes to...

The Sloganator Memorial

Friday, September 10, 2004

Apparently it's not all that hard to be a presidential speech writer...

Just go here.


He's Just Taking His Game to a Whole New Level

New economic analysis from the Vice-President.


Thursday, September 09, 2004

It's hard...
to keep up on all the madness sometimes.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

A White House Staff That Looks Like America

Found this via the estimable Wonkette.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

I make this claim not from a political perspective but from the perspective of an occasional comedy writer:

You will throw up in your own mouth if you read the following transcript of the Bush daughters at the RNC.

JENNA BUSH: It's great to be here. We love Arnold. Isn't he awesome?
Thanks to him, if one of us ever decides to marry a Democrat, nobody can complain, except maybe our grandmother, Barbara. And if she doesn't like it, we would definitely hear about it.
We already know she doesn't like some of our clothes, our music, or most of the TV shows we watch.
Gammie, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip.
She thinks "Sex and the City" is something married people do, but never talk about.
We spent the last four years trying to stay out of the spotlight. Sometimes, we did a little better job than others.
We kept trying to explain to my dad that when we are young and irresponsible, well, we're young and irresponsible.

BARBARA BUSH: Jenna and I are really not very political, but we love our dad too much to stand back and watch from the sidelines.
We realized that this would be his last campaign, and we wanted to be a part of it.
Besides, since we've graduated from college, we're looking around for something to do for the next few years.
Kind of like dad.

JENNA: Our parents have always encouraged us to be independent and dream big. We've spent a lot of time at the White House, so when we showed up the first day, we thought we had it all figured out. But apparently my dad already has a chief of staff, named Andy.

BARBARA: When your dad's a Republican and you go to Yale, you learn to stand up for yourself. I knew I wasn't quite ready to be president, but number two sounded pretty good.
Who is this man they call Dick Cheney?

JENNA: I think I know a lot about campaigns. After all, my grandfather and my dad have both run for president, so I put myself in charge of strategy. Then I got an angry call from some guy named Karl.

BARBARA: We knew we had something to offer. I mean, we've traveled the world; we've studied abroad. But when we started coming home with foreign policy advise, dad made us call Condi.

JENNA: Not to be deterred, we thought surely there's a place for strong willed, opinionated women in communications. And next thing we know, Karen's back.

BARBARA: So we decided the best thing we could do here tonight would be to introduce somebody we know and love.

JENNA: You know all those times when you're growing up and your parents embarrass you? Well, this is payback time on live TV.

BARBARA: Take this. I know it's hard to believe, but our parents' favorite term of endearment for each other is actually Bushy.
And we had a hamster, too. Let's just say ours didn't make it.

JENNA: But, contrary to what you might read in the papers, our parents are actually kind of cool. They do know the difference between mono and Bono. When we tell them we're going to see Outkast, they know it's a band and not a bunch of misfits. And if we really beg them, they'll even shake it like a Polaroid picture.

BARBARA: So, OK, maybe they have learned a little pop culture from us, but we've learned a lot more from them about what matters in life, about unconditional love, about focus and discipline.
They taught us the importance of a good sense of humor, of being open-minded and treating everyone with respect.
And we learned the true value of honesty and integrity.

JENNA: When you grow up as the daughters of George and Laura Bush, you develop a special appreciation for how blessed we are to live in this great country.
We are so proud to be here tonight to introduce someone who read us bedtime stories, picked up car pool, made us our favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cheered for us when we scored a goal, even when it was for the wrong team.

BARBARA: Someone who told us we actually looked cute in braces, always welcomed our friends and was there waiting when we came home at curfew.

JENNA: Ladies and gentlemen, one of the two most loving, thoughtful people we know.

BARBARA: Your president and our dad, George W. Bush.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Oh My.

Conservative Republican congressman abruptly announces that he won't run for re-election.
Why? Some people think they know why.
Oh, the congressman was also one of the sponsors of the Federal Marriage Amendment.


Bumpy Castle

There are dangerous games, there are really dangerous games, and then there's Bumpy Castle, a game I play with my kids that was invented by my son Charlie.

Here's how it works:
1. Kate (22 months) and I climb onto a mattress set up in the playroom.
2. We put a big purple blanket over our heads.
3. Charlie (almost 4) yells "BUMPY CASTLE!" and then jumps on us.
4. I try to deflect Charlie before he crushes his sister while also avoiding fists to the nose and trying to land Charlie in a reasonably safe location.

Everyone but me loves Bumpy Castle. Loves. It.

It's a horrible, horrible game.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Holy Mackerel

New Economist poll (8/16-8/18, 1799 sample size) has Kerry up 49-41 among registered voters, 51-42 among definite voters, and a 61 percent on dissatisfied. Full results here (pdf).

Doing a Lynndie

The estimable Xeni on boingboing points us toward the latest post-Abu Ghraib laff riot!


But Woody Hayes and Mary Lou Retton Used to Say the Same Thing...

So the Bush administration is using images of Iraqi olympic athletes in campaign commercials. Turns out that the Iraqi soccer team is somewhat less than enthused about this.

Key passages from this article that may be somewhat unlikely to make it into Bush press releases:
"My problems are not with the American people," says Iraqi soccer coach Adnan Hamad. "They are with what America has done in Iraq: destroy everything. The American army has killed so many people in Iraq. What is freedom when I go to the [national] stadium and there are shootings on the road?"

and

Ahmed Manajid, who played as a midfielder on Wednesday, had an even stronger response when asked about Bush's TV advertisement. "How will he meet his god having slaughtered so many men and women?" Manajid told me. "He has committed so many crimes."

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Department of Understated Headlines

Recent Questions That Are Hard To Answer

1. We put out a bunch of old furniture on the parking strip overnight for the Salvation Army to pick up this morning. But when morning came, some of it was gone - taken in the night. Since we were giving it away anyway and had left it on the curb, should we feel as though we were robbed?

2. Charlie (age 3): What are angels?
Me: (fumbling) Well, ah, some people think that when people die they become angels and go up to heaven or hang around here and help people?
Charlie: Like Grandpa Moe up in heaven?
Me: Sure. Yeah. Like that. That's what some people think.
Charlie: How about hippos?
Me: What about hippos?
Charlie: When hippos die do they become hippo angels? Does Grandpa Moe play with the hippo angels in heaven? Does he Daddy? Does he?

3. Charlie: Did someone make the world?
Me: What? (stalling) You mean...ah...this world?
Charlie: The world! And all the things. Did someone make it?
Me: Well...what do you think?
Charlie: No. I don't think so.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Warning!

Strong, and very very amusing language in this short film.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Not Sure...
If there is anyone in the city of Seattle who still calls themselves Republican but this ought to turn the remaining handful around.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Winnie-the-Pooh is My Co-worker

I have a new piece up on McSweeney's today. If you don't see it today, here's the direct link.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Stuff About Books & Things

1. The gang at McSweeney's has a new book:
Created In Darkness By Troubled Americans
Release date is August 10th. It's an anthology of McSweeney's humor and several things what I wrote are featured in it including:

Terrible Names for Hair Salons
As A Porn Movie Titler, I May Lack Promise
Canceled Regional Morning TV Shows
Cause And Effect Rules For Sidewalk Travel
and the meme-inducing Suggested Follow-up Songs For One-Hit Wonders

along with about a zillion other pieces that are screamingly funny. Can you read most of them for free on the Interweb? Sure. But a book is better. I got an advanced copy from a publicist who, not knowing who I was, asked me in so many words if I'd like to interview myself. It's really funny stuff. Thinky funny but also actually funny.

2. I review books for a Large Internet Bookseller. I was recently asked to review the 9/11 Commission Report. And you know what? That's a hard thing to do. It's not meant to entertain but it still needs to be accessible. None of the findings are shocking and they've all been written about in the press by now. And you really can't compare it to previous work by the author. So anyway, here's what I came up with.


It's One Thing To Stumble In A Live Speech

But this probably shouldn't have got past the copy editors on Bush's website:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we," Bush said. "They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

You try to be a good writer...

And then you realize that nothing you produce will ever be as good as Lyndon Johnson ordering a pair of pants. (via Political Wire)

Monday, August 02, 2004

Something Wild Was Good...
Working Girl was excellent. But sometimes the lady outdoes herself.
Politics Loads Up On Fast Food

The not-as-amusing-as-everyone-made-it-out-to-be Subservient Chicken has now spawned (hatched?) a not-all-that-amusing-either political knock-off.

Friday, July 30, 2004

Oaths!

They're requiring oaths!

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Reasons You Should Love Semisonic
1. Closing Time is a great song. C'mon, admit it, it is.
2. Drummer Jake Slichter's new book is completely awesome. Harvard grad, rock drummer, self-deprecator.
3. I interviewed Jake today on the radio and he was a super-duper nice fella.
4. He signed the radio station's guest book "Jake Slichter, drummer for Semisonic, we had that big hit song 'Closing Time'."

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

My Profile

I think it turned out well. I hope you like it!

It's Official!

Movies do make people violent.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Internet Good

First, there was this.

Then there was this.


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Okay, It's Not Really MY Book...
But it's a book I'm in. And it's busting into the top 4000 on Amazon (as of this writing).
Also, I'm reading some stuff at an event with Dave Eggers on September1st.
 
Attention College Students!
 
Ripping off undergraduate term papers and even taking them out of context is A-OK.
 

Monday, July 19, 2004

Granted

I'm a complete tool for McSweeney's but I sure do love the Dear Mr. President Letters.
 

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I Hate The Interweb

Because now, for the rest of my life, no matter where I go, no matter how much I accomplish, I will ALWAYS be the dude who wrote this.
As For Me...
I'll be picking up the trucker hat.

Monday, July 12, 2004

The Hype and The Debate As To Whether Or Not To Believe It...

Regarding Roger Clemens, Seth Stevenson does not.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Farewell to Productivity

A few months ago, I was pointing people towards the addictive Fundrace.org. Now, there's Newsmeat's Hall of Fame to further distract you from doing anything worthwhile.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

At this writing...

This book is #31 on Amazon's best seller list. Due, no doubt, to the catchy title.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Well okay.

It seems like a lot of Democrats are excited about this but I really don't see what John Edward brings to the ticket aside from getting cryptic advice from former presidents.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

I've Enjoyed The Gig.

I've been reviewing books for Amazon.com for a few years now. It's given me a great chance to review some excellent books and also The Fabulist. But there's another free-lancer with lots of time on his hands who's coming on strong. How long before he leaves the customer review section and bumps me off the editorial review racket?

Friday, June 11, 2004

Finally...

A ticket that everyone can get behind.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

James Taylor Will Soon Not Be Your Friend

Better start getting used to it. (I have a new piece on McSweeney's today).

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Conversation At Breakfast With Charlie (Age 3)

HIM: Dad! DAAAAD!
ME: What? What is it?
HIM: Who made the world?
ME: Oh. Wow. Uhhh...Well, some people say that God made the world. Some people think it was a big explosion a long time ago.
HIM: Was it the same person who painted our house?
ME: No I don't think so.
HIM: Was it the same person who made this plate?
ME: Well, maybe, yeah.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Best Thing Ever?

Could be. (some bizarrely lewd language).

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Being Famous Is Fun!

So I hosted some radio show today. Two qualitative analyses of my performance came in. I'll summarize:
First listener: Good show
Second listener: Horrible voice, lousy voice, high voice, monotone voice, not funny, self absorbed, bad diction, dopey, not cute, moronic, sounds like he has phlegm in his mouth, just OFF, please don't let him on the air ever again.

So really, feedback was mixed.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

This Isn't Funny At All

Nope. Not at all. Don't visit this not funny site right away.

Friday, May 28, 2004

New Iraqi Leader Chosen

I find this one to be pretty puzzling. Granted, she has her own unique style and everyone seems to really like her. And of course, the fact that she comes from humble beginnings will make her more empathetic to the average Iraqi citizen. But I'm still disappointed that Fantasia Barrino has been named the new prime minister. I hope they at least let her finish the summer tour. Obviously Jon Peter Lewis would have been a much better fit.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

A Conversation With Charlie (Age 3) In The Car Last Night (Joined Midway Through)

HIM: So we need to get another Lion King video that isn't scary.
ME: Okay, well, we'll look for that.
HIM: But I don't want to watch Brother Bear cause that's scary too. That's a little bit scary, Dad.
ME: Yeah, let's not watch that.
HIM: But you can watch it.
ME: Okay, I'll put it on my list.
HIM: You and mom can watch it. After I go to bed.
ME: Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.
(long pause of about 30 seconds)
HIM: Dad! Dad!
ME: What?! What is it?
HIM: Are we real?

Got a thing on the McSweeney's site.

Topical. Sort of funny. It's here.


Monday, May 24, 2004

Ah, Now THAT'S Some Swedish Drama

If you haven't already, please become aware of Strindberg & Helium

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Dear Person Ahead Of Me In Line At Starbucks,

You are, what, 20? You will have so many muffins over the course of your life. It doesn't really matter which one you pick this morning. So just pick one. Okay?

Love,
John

Monday, May 17, 2004

I Don't Often Link to George W. Bush's Website...

But this is pretty funny. Here is his "Compassion Photo Album". And it's, like, mostly of Bush touching, assisting, and lurking around black people. The Health Care section is mostly him hanging out with health care workers and sick people, the Social Security section is him making speeches about the issue and hanging out with old people but Compassion is, evidently, mostly about black people.
The LA Times had some fun with this.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Paradigm Shift

So I saw this woman on the street talking to herself and just assumed that she had one of those wireless cell phone head sets on. Nope. Crazy person. Good job wireless headset marketers, you've repositioned societal assumptions!

Friday, May 14, 2004

The Cruise Authority is a Waffler!

Which is it, Cruise Authority? Right or Left? And more importantly, do I get a discount if I do both?

Erroneous Sussiptions

So my 3-year-old son Charlie is trying out the word "suspect" but he chooses the very alt pronunciation "sussept" as in "I sussept I want to watch a video". Here was our conversation in the car yesterday:

HIM: Dad, I sussept that butterflies have small wings and bees have big wings.
ME: Well, I think it's the other way around. Bees have very short little wings and butterflies have really big long wings.
HIM: No, I sussept bees have long wings.
ME: You know who has really long wings? Dragonflies.
HIM: I sussept dragons turn into dragonflies. Dragons turn into dragonflies, Dad.
ME: Oh. Does butter turn into butterflies?
HIM: No. That's silly.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Oh, I'm Sure You've All Seen This...

But it is pretty funny. (thanks to the estimable C-Diddy).

Friday, May 07, 2004

But Stupid People Might Not Make It Through The Article

Jacob Weisberg of Slate has come under some criticism over the years for his cottage industry of "Bushisms". And while it's certainly true that written transcripts of things expressed verbally can make most people appear stupid, this article in Slate takes the whole "Bush is stupid" issue quite a bit deeper. Good reading. You moron.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

In Other News...

Baseball's integrity is somehow besmirched.

Monday, May 03, 2004

The #1 Choice
Eli Manning was the first overall pick in this year's NFL draft. Almost won the Heisman trophy. But now he faces a tough choice: accept the fame and riches of football or pursue his passion for web design?

Thursday, April 29, 2004

It's Like Graffiti

But more bleak!

Monday, April 26, 2004

A what to Clay Aiken?

A WHAT?
There may be more trenchant political sites...

But none has a URL as good as this one.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Whew...
For a minute I almost thought this was an actual news story and not a made up joke one.
...
What? It is real?
Shocker
I can't believe that The American Prospect would come out and say something like this about the Bush re-election effort.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

A Tropical Paradise

Like most people, my ultimate dream in life is a leisurely cruise with Ed Gillespie and Dinesh D'Souza. Of course, if Kerry wins this would be a pretty interesting cruise to take.
Talk About Being On Message!
Via the estimable Wonkette:

The U.S. Treasury says:
"America has a choice: It can continue to grow the economy and create new jobs as the President's policies are doing; or it can raise taxes on American families and small businesses, hurting economic recovery and future job creation."
And the RNC also says:
"America has a choice: It can continue to grow the economy and create new jobs as the President's polices are doing; or it can raise taxes on American families and small businesses, hurting economic recovery and future job creation."

Great minds think alike, no? Or something. OK, OK, you could call this using taxpayer money to produce campaign literature. We prefer to think of it as thrifty. Of course, some people think of it as illegal. Whatever.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Why Do I Love FOX?

I mean the TV network, not the one with Hannity & Oates. Here's why:
Fox has announced it will debut six series in June. Four of the new series will be scripted, including "Quintuplets," with Andy Richter as the father of 15-year-old quints, and "Method & Red," an update of "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" with rappers Method Man and Redman.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

The World Situation

Iraq is a mess, Israel/Palestine is worse, terrorism is only growing larger. But fortunately, there is a solution.

Friday, April 16, 2004

Did I get Richard Clarke a movie deal?

Seriously.

Okay, of course I didn't, but this Hollywood Reporter article quotes my review of his book in announcing the movie rights.

Then things get weirder still. That quote has been picked up by conservative blogs. They take it, I think, as me implying that Clarke made everything up. I mean, it's fine. Use me to prove your point if you want. But please don't imply that I'm characterizing Clarke's book as fiction. Cause I'm not. I'm just saying it's an exciting book. Cause it is.




And the winner...
For best use of a jpg in political satire goes to Matthew Baldwin at The Morning News.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

A Bunch of Hamsters Make Beautiful Music

No, it's not the Hamster Dance. It's this crazy MIDI thing at Cornell University. Never let that dude from Creed tell you that making music is hard. Hamsters can do it. And do it well.
Freaky Album Covers

They're the meat and potatoes of blogs like this. So eat up! (thanks to Jeannie Yandel who has a blog somewhere)

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Veep-o-matic

Apparently, I think Wesley Clark should be the VP nominee. Except for the fact that I don't really think so. But that's what the Veep-o-matic says I think I feel. What do you think?

Friday, April 09, 2004

I Have a New Best Friend

And it's the public radio series Pop Vultures. You can listen to it on your computer too!

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Remember that time you asked me for a BAD idea of how to celebrate a holiday?

Well, here you go.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

And no more Barenaked Ladies records either!

Guess what part of the pool is easiest to drown in? Yep! The deep end! Yet, that's the same end that the DOJ has decided to go off.

14 Plays in 48 Hours

I did a story about this for Day to Day on NPR.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Update on White House Lies

Apparently, CNN was just being lazy. Or so the White House would have us believe.

Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Can't Stop Posting!

Homoerotic political subtext.
White House Lies

About something dumb! And misses the chance to participate in a funny bit of fun.

Remember This:

The Republican political machine is flawless. They anticipate every possible problem and are ready to preempt any opposition. They operate in a tight circle and information never gets out of that tiny perimeter.

Also, they left their notes in a Starbucks.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Got a review of that book

You know, the one people find interesting. It's a really good book, actually.

Of course, I've reviewed interesting things before.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Yep, that's hi-larious.

Bush spoke at the correspondent's dinner and made a little film. Sounds like a laff riot. The Democrats sure thought so.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

As the 9/11 commission searches for answers...

Only Jay-zeezer provides them.

Friday, March 19, 2004

No one can stop the Pentagon Ninja!

Found the Rumsfeld Fighting Technique via Angry Bear.
More Rejected NPR Commentaries

Springtime is here and for me that means one thing: fantasy baseball! Time to draft my fantasy team and gear up for the fantasy season. And once again, I was able to get every player I wanted! The other people in my league picked guys like Alfonso Soriano, Andy Pettite, Eric Gagne. Nice players but we're talking fantasy baseball. Is Eric Gagne really a part of anyone's fantasy?

This may be the best fantasy team I've ever fielded. Here's the lineup:

Fantasy pitcher - the pitcher from the poem Casey at the Bat. Think about it: he throws three consecutive strikes to the greatest hitter in the game! Doesn't try to fool him with junk outside the strike zone. Goes after Casey, gets the strikeout. Such moxie! That guy, whatever his name is, he's on my fantasy team.

Fantasy catcher - Crash Davis. The Kevin Costner character from Bull Durham. Great with younger players, witty, articulate, good clubhouse guy. And it's Costner in his prime before he started looking like he ate bad fish all the time. In fact, Crash Davis is the only movie character on my fantasy team. Roy Hobbs from "The Natural"? Just seems like such a downer. Field of Dreams ghost players? Too spooky. Comical cast of bumblers from "Major League"? I suspect their antics would grow tiresome.

Fantasy first baseman - Gandalf

Fantasy second baseman - Jaclyn Smith. Okay, sentimental pick. But when you have a fantasy player that you've been with a long time, you stick with them. Builds morale.

Fantasy third baseman - A healthy Aaron Boone. If Boone hadn't blown out his knee this offseason, the Yankees would never have traded for Alex Rodriguez thus revealing the universe to be a cruel chaotic place where treachery alone reigns. But on my fantasy team, Aaron Boone never hurt his knee and all is well. I love fantasy baseball!

Fantasy shortstop - A magical unicorn.

Fantasy left fielder - Ted Williams. Circa 1941. He hit .406 that year, dominated the American League. And he was all in one piece and respected. My fantasy is for that to still be the case. I don't know how well Ted will get along with the unicorn but a little tension might be good in the clubhouse.

Fantasy center fielder - John Fogerty. I've been listening to him beg to be put in center field for years. I'm going to give him that chance. It's his fantasy AND mine. I figure he'll hustle if nothing else. And entertain the team on fantasy road trips.

Fantasy right fielder- a bucket of steroids! They're not much for fielding but I'm told they've led to tons of home runs the last few years. As the fantasy general manager, I'm willing to accept the inherent risks.

So that's my fantasy team: unnamed Casey at the bat pitcher guy, Crash Davis, Gandalf, Jaclyn Smith, magical unicorn, Ted Williams, John Fogerty, and a bucket of steroids. And I'll see you at the fantasy ballpark!

Thursday, March 18, 2004

Oh My

Well, I'll just be here all day long. Find out who in your neighborhood gave how much to what candidate! Search by celebrity last names! Preliminary findings: Josh Malina (West Wing) is a Gephardt man, Jennifer Garner is Edwards AND Gephardt, Michael Eisner favors Kerry, Paul Reiser likes Dean, Jerry Seinfeld digs Kerry AND Clark. Retired North Carolina basketball coach Dean Smith, not surprisingly, goes with Edwards.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Remember that time when you asked me why the Internet was invented?

Here's why.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Everything is Circular.

Tonight on some radio show I do, I talked to Anita Rowland and Markos Moulitsas Zuniga. They're nice. Also talked to Jim Copacino, who is not a blogger and who is also nice. Last night on some radio station, an interview I did with Eric Stoltz was also on the air. He was nice too.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Conversation with 3-year-old son at the zoo yesterday

HIM: Daddy, what comes after birds?
ME: Birds?
HIM: Yeah. What comes after them?
ME: Where...uh...what birds do you mean?
HIM: Birds! Birds in the sky! Birds!
ME: Oh. Right. Birds.
HIM: What comes after them?
ME: Oh. (pause) I don't know.
HIM: Do you want to be a family of wallabies?
ME: Yeah, okay.
I'm Watching Prince on the Ellen Show...
And you know what? He looks like a young female account executive. Bobbed haircut with sassy bangs, sleeveless black turtleneck, multiple ear piercings. Could be named Kristi. Could work in promotions at a radio station. Could meet up with the girls from Theta out at TGI Friday's for a long-standing Mai-Tai night, could date a guy named Brad who's a hot shot in sales. Maybe she's in marketing. Or maybe she's a leasing agent. But it's not Kristi. It's Prince.

Monday, March 01, 2004

I Mostly Just Speak English

But I will say this: Viva Dio! He speaks for America in a high pitched screech and that's why he should be president.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Silly Things Coming Back Soon

But first, this is a darn good editorial cartoon (saw it on Calpundit).

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Quizno's Thingies from the commercials

Yes, I love them too. Just like the guy in Slate.

But if you're ready for something more complex from the same source, try this.

Friday, February 20, 2004

RECENT AP WIRE HEADLINES WITHIN A ONE DAY PERIOD

Rockslide

Double Slaying

Sexual Contact

Woman Bludgeoned

Cab Driver Killed

Workplace Shooting

Warehouse Fire

Crushed Between Trucks

Wife Slaying

Fatal Beating

Domestic Stabbing

Mad Cow Emergency

Manitoba Update

Leukemia Scam

Man Frozen

Nurse Jailed

Avalanche Fatal

Dennis Kucinich

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

Rejected NPR Commentaries (a semi-regular feature)

I watched President Bush campaigning the other day at the Daytona 500. Well, I should say that I read an article about it, later, on the Internet. Though I am the father of two, I am not a NASCAR fan, therefore not a coveted "NASCAR Dad", and therefore shunned by the candidates in this year's presidential election.

But I am a part of a different voting bloc, one whose numbers and power are ignored at the candidates' own peril. I am a "Waiting For A New Beastie Boys Record Dad". It's been six years now since 1998's Hello Nasty, we're disoriented, we're antsy, and we need something-someone!-to believe in.

A little history: me and my fellow Waiting For A New Beastie Boys Record Dads picked up the Beasties' breakout Licensed to Ill when we were in high school, maybe college, maybe junior high, back in 1986 and it blew our minds. Here were these guys-these dorks!-who looked like they could be us but were so much more impossibly awesome. We developed heterosexual man crushes. Our formative adult years were punctuated with well-spaced releases from MCA, Ad-Rock, and Mike D. As we grew older, their music likewise became more mature while still maintaining the kind of playful recklessness that we, the ones who are now Waiting For A New Beastie Boys Record Dads, honestly always lacked but heartily admired nonetheless.

But then, as our 20's ebbed away, and kids started appearing along with their obligatory and incessant Raffi CDs, and middle age loomed, the Beastie Boys stopped. And we became a demographic. A hungry, lonely, desperate demographic. Just look in the eyes of any dad loading a screaming toddler into a minivan. I mean really look at the guy. He's one. We're everywhere. Come get us.

And the thing is, it would be easy for the candidates to incorporate an appeal into their existing styles. Bush could declare, squinting, that he knows the Beasties have been developing material for years and he's going to march in and get it recorded, with or without the UN. Edwards could call upon his trial lawyer experience and long record of helping common folks fight for their right to party. And though it might be risky, Kerry could hurl old copies of Beasties classics like Paul's Boutique and Check Your Head over a fence to send a message that they just aren't good enough any more. Of course, any of the contenders could also promise to nominate Ad-Rock to be Secretary of Illin'. Sure, the pundits would scoff. But that shrewd campaigner would win the vote of every single Waiting For A New Beastie Boys Record Dad across this great nation of ours.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

Sorry!
Been down for a while. Uh...cause.
Sorry.
It's been rough for Outkast lately. First, the unbelievably stupid theme at the Grammy Awards. And now, their large implicit sponsor is calling their claims into question.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

I empathize with Joe Lieberman. Because I am a Seattle sports fan.

Lieberman is a smart well-respected guy, who came close, but not all that close, to getting the Democratic nomination this year. The Seattle Seahawks, Mariners, and Sonics usually field decent teams that sometimes get into the playoffs where they generally lose.

John Kerry is authentically Bostonian. Like the Celtics, he seemed destined a year or so ago to be triumphant in the primaries and coast to the nomination. Like the Red Sox, he then seemed to have all the ingredients but none of the luck, destined to flop. Then, like the Patriots, he started piling up wins and heading for the Super Bowl. Big ups, crushing downs.

In Seattle, we watch this ecstasy and agony and wish we could be a part of it. Instead, we never win it all or end up as colossally glorious failures. The Seahawks made the NFL playoffs this year but lost in the first round to Green Bay. The Mariners had a winning season but failed to qualify for the post-season. The Sonics, lead by players regarded as pretty good, win about as many games as they lose and don’t seem likely to change that pattern in my lifetime. Having followed these teams my whole life, the candidacy of Joe Lieberman makes perfect sense to me. Like Lieberman, Seattle sports teams show up, do okay, and then just sort of wither. It’s the curse of mediocrity.

Lieberman and my teams are not alone in this cursed position. You could find tons of examples of things and people that fit this mold: the movie career of Jeff Goldblum. Celery. Any Cheap Trick album after Live at Budokan. The Mariners, Sonics, Seahawks, and Lieberman fit this oeuvre nicely. Corduroy fabric, Dabney Coleman, Fresca, a 9:30 CBS sitcom, Lime flavored anything, Art Garfunkel. It’s no coincidence that Lieberman staked his candidacy on doing well in Delaware. Delaware is so Lieberman.

What makes this purgatory so hard for Seattle fans and Liebermaniacs – I doubt they really call themselves that but they should—is that drama is the one thing you really want in sports and presidential politics. I mean, why else watch?

So now Lieberman is out and he goes back to his position of pretty good Senator from Connecticut. And I’m through rooting for my teams to either win it all or fail in spectacular appalling entertaining ways because that’s just not going to happen. I think I’ll start referring to the Sonics, Mariners, and Seahawks as, collectively, the Seattle Liebermans. Or Liebermen. Who knows? Maybe they’ll even pick up some Joe-mentum.

Super Bowl II

I don't care how CBS and Justin Timberlake try to spin it like it was an accident, I think it was totally inappropriate to "accidentally" rip off Janet Jackson's emotional exterior and reveal her beast. I know that these days people trot out their beasts all the time. Heck, if you pick up the Ambercomber Finks catalog it's full of nubile women and their jackals, wolverines, wild boars, and shrews. I think she should only show her beasts to her husband DeBarge. And besides, isn't a beast more enticing when we don't know what it looks like? We could imagine that Janet might have had a hedgehog or a lemur or an ocelot down there. But instead they go and reveal her beast on national television: a badger. It's not sexy and not right for TV.

Monday, February 02, 2004

Super Bowl

I don't care how CBS and Justin Timberlake try to spin it like it was an accident, I think it was totally inappropriate to "accidentally" rip off Janet Jackson's emotional exterior and reveal her soul. I know that these days you can see people's souls in movies all the time and, heck, even in the Abercromber Finch catalog but I guess I'm old fashioned. I think she should only share her soul with her husband DeBarge. And besides, isn't a soul more enticing when we don't know what it looks like? We could imagine that Janet's soul contained a longing for freedom from the constraints of celebrity or a virulent hatred of dogs (I'm just blue-skying here). But instead they go and reveal her soul on national television. It's not sexy and not right for TV.

Friday, January 30, 2004

It Would Have Been a Good Story Regardless

But the poignant little scooter makes it a classic.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Scene from the future

Spouse: What do you mean you got fired from your job?
You: Well, you see there was this game involving a yeti and a penguin and a club...

(thanks to the inevitable Dave Barry)

Monday, January 26, 2004

Political Insight Few Will Get

Joe Lieberman is the Charles Grigsby of the 2004 race.

Friday, January 23, 2004

Wow.
Just wow.
Miss Othmar Lives

I wrote this piece that appears on McSweeney's today. I hope you like it.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Nice People

David Frum is a nice person. I interviewed him today as I hosted Weekday on a local public radio station.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

It's Still a Perfectly Good Question.

What have you done for Janet Jackson lately?

Friday, January 16, 2004

The O'Neill Book

Sorry, I mean the Suskind book. Suskind Suskind Suskind. Suskind wrote it. Anyway, so this O'Neill book (which I reviewed for a Large Internet Bookseller) is, I think, really really good. Well written, provocative, even kind of fun. But I was baffled by the now-famous "blind man in a room full of deaf people" quote. I was all like what the hell does that mean. Slate's Michael Kinsley, however, was more eloquently baffled in his quasi-review:
I'm sorry, but how is being uninterested in policy like being a blind man in a roomful of deaf people? Are blind people uninterested in policy? Or, more accurately, do blind people become less interested in policy when they find themselves in a room with deaf people? Does a blind man surrounded by deaf people talking policy issues think: "Oh, hell. These folks are going to go on and on and on about the problems of deaf people. Who needs that? I've got problems of my own." Is that O'Neill's point? And even if there is something about a room full of deaf people that makes a blind man disengage from policy issues, what does this have to do with President Bush and his Cabinet?

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Hey!
You should read this book. I reviewed it for a large online book seller. But you should read it. It's really really good. It's about swimming but it's really not about swimming at all. It's about perseverance. But it never comes out and says that. It just says it's about swimming. And it's about how horrifyingly grody the Nile can be.

Read the book!

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Another reason to love baseball

Finally the most entertaining players in the game have been codified in one handy article.

Do you suppose...

That the male former singer of The Sugarcubes walks around his Reykjavik apartment in his own crudely fashioned swam unitard and wonders where it all went wrong?
It doesn't come up often with my name...

but this is not me! Not me!

(though I can't help loving his sample line provided:
1. Harry looked dazedly down at the smoking revolver in his right hand. "My God, did I do that?"
- Untitled, fiction (sample) )

Monday, January 05, 2004

Game On

So All Things Considered on NPR ran a report last week about the trouble with online research, pointing to a student who thought Tito Puente was the former ruler of Yugoslavia (Marshall Tito). The hosts went on to suggest other world leader/musician combos: Don Ho Chi Minh, Ray Charles Taylor, and Lil' Kim Jong Il. I kind of like Lil' Jim Jong Il.

Well, game on.

Tony Blairnaked Ladies
Valery Giscard-D'eSting
Vladimir Putincubus
Andrew Jackson 5
SugarChurchill Gang
Fidel Amitri Castro
Charles Mugabe City Rollers
Jacques Chiracpile
Pervez Musharroffspring
Abraham Lincoln Park
Jean Chretienya
Tony Toni Tone' Blair
Al GWAR


I'll try to think up some more.

Late entries from Sam Goldberg:

Nat King Helmut Kohl
B.B. King Abdullah II
Yassir AraFat Joe
Ariel-Supply Sharon
50-VinCente Fox
Jay-Zemin
Beyon-Tse Tung
HirohiToto
Saddam Hussein Clown Posse
OutCastro
Mikhail GWARbechev

Friday, January 02, 2004

Wow.

I fear that all these signatures will merely be like specks of... I don't know, something....in, like, a breeze.

Passing The Time...
Until the Beastie Boys release new material, I spend time here.