FAMILY HERMAN PROJECT #9

I took some liberties here, using Saturday's Herman and today's Family Circus. All in the name of cognitive illumination, though.

1.

"No fair, Jeffy! You can't call dibs on Grandma!"

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2.

"I'd like to introduce you to my second wife, but I'm still stuck with the first one."

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Who are these shadowy men in #1 haggling over reservations made for the enormous and apparently oblivious grandmother? The guy speaking seems to currently be in possession of 8-Foot Grandma (yes, use it as the name for your new rock band) and he's scolding the other guy. Is it his brother? Cousin? And why are they so competitive to obtain 8-Foot Grandma? Band name can be abbreviated to 8FG.

Down below, we have a choice. If we are to buy into the characters of Family Circus, Jeffy has apparently announced, smugly, that Grandma is his second wife, much to the consternation of Dolly who just can't keep up in this dysfunctional game that's being played. She's still stuck with her first wife. Is it Mommy? We don't know. We don't want to. The other option is to toss out all we know about the family, in which case we just have a boy who enjoys sitting with an eyeball-less elderly woman while an angry girl protests her own futile efforts at multiple marriage.

Tough call. Most disturbing, of course, is the continued teeniness of Jeffy. Or is #2's eyeball-less woman just another example of an 8FG?
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FAMILY HERMAN PROJECT #8

1.

"That blur you saw go by before was me running."

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2.

"When I said you could have your friends over for lunch, I meant humans."

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I don't think I have any jokes today. I'm genuinely frightened for what's happening in #2. Of course Jeffy is crying. Of course he is. And he has my vote.

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FAMILY HERMAN PROJECT #7

I think we have a good one here.

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1.

"Am I doing anything cute, Grandma?"

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2.

"Who's having the raw herring?"

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Now in #1, we have our old friend Pathos the Waiter. Grandma has showed up at his place of employment with a pet seal. Any reasonable server in this situation would just tell Grandma that no pets are allowed even if they are capable of quietly sitting in a chair. Quietly escort her out. Really, to do anything short of that is grounds for dismissal. Instead, Pathos desperately tries to endear himself to what we have to assume is an emotional tyrant of a grandparent who has recently gone crazy enough to bring a seal to lunch. He wants her approval even if it is in the form of infantilization. And no, you're not doing anything cute. Unless you consider losing your dignity to be cute then your goddamn adorable.

Over in #2, we have Jeffy with his idea of what the elderly eat. They're old, they're peculiar, I bet they eat raw herring, he figures. Either that or Grandma is so desperately unwelcome on these near constant visits that Mommy and Daddy feed her only raw herring. Jeffy, fat and happy on lunchables and chocolate Quik, knows this and, joining in the derision, mocks her. It's all that he knows. I mean, look at the poor woman's face. How did it come to this?, she's thinking. Not even Dead Grandpa in Heaven can help her now.

And my goodness, Jeffy is small.

FAMILY HERMAN PROJECT #5

"I was a drawing a dog, but his neck got too long, so I made him a giraffe."


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"We managed to put the fire out. Just do the front lawn."

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I'm leaning toward #1 here, personally because of the pathos of older, sadder, lonelier people calling up firefighters to discuss failed art projects. Then again, Jeffy's cheerful obliviousness to losing his home in a fire is darkly fascinating. Yes, smoke filled the playroom but I continued to draw. Who set the fire? Has anyone seen Not Me lately?

I've noticed that vote totals for these things have dropped with each passing day. But I'm going to stick with it for a while longer. There's an axiom in public radio that just when a producer gets sick of a segment is when the public starts to like it. Not sick of this yet. Still weirdly interesting to me and hell, it is still just a blog. Some non-Family Herman content coming soon.

Also, please note: you can vote as often as you like. I may change that but at the moment, if you're a Herman Art fan, you can crush the Family Circus forces by just voting thousands of times.

FAMILY HERMAN PROJECT #4

I'm hosting a lot the next few weeks so there probably won't be so many Monday updates. But onward we go and today we drift far from our humor moorings.

"The hardest thing to get in my house is permission."

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"Oh, it's you! I thought it was a burglar."

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I have to admit, I've been kind of rooting for Herman Art / Family Circus Caption for a while. I think FC Art has a bit of an ongoing advantage because it is inherently funny to see these insipid children saying things that denote the struggles of middle age. Meanwhile, characters from Herman Art saying these childlike things is just sad. I think today's Herman Art with FC Caption is okay, the woman delivering a riposte to the clobbered and cuckolded husband although I think the Herman Art with original caption might be more disturbingly fascinating. But today I have to go with FC Art. Billy is completely non-plussed at the idea of a home invasion. He thought his friend was a burglar but he wasn't prepared to do anything to save his home, possessions, or family. He was just sitting there. Then again, would you save Dolly?
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FAMILY HERMAN PROJECT #3

Voting continues. As do the odd feelings I get.

"When you lie on your tummy, your bottom is your top."

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"That's your organic shampoo."

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I must confess that this project has really helped me change my mind about Dolly. Like everyone sensible, I've hated her my whole life. Bossy, too deliberately cutesy, manipulative. But in this context, she's simply hanging out on the couch sharing a casual observation about hair care. Seems happy. Meanwhile today's Herman strip with FC caption just seems like the album cover to some early-80's skate punk record. Freaks me out, man. Tough call.

FAMILY HERMAN PROJECT

Let's ride this thing out a little more. See what else it yields. Once again, taking Family Circus and Herman cartoons and switching captions. I know I'm not the first to do this but I believe it will lead to a better understanding of the human condition.

"Be very quiet, Jeffy. Grandma's tea has to sleep for three minutes."

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"What can I say for about seven dollars?"

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A little more meta today, don't you think? There is charm in the precocious Dolly affixing monetary value to conversation. But I'm thinking the poignant pathos of the insane old man calling the florist "Jeffy" gets my vote. Because there's just no way that guy's Grandma is still alive.

A Simple Poll

Here's something I do when I see a paper copy of The Seattle Times. I swap the captions for Herman and Family Circus and decide which one is funnier. They both, I think, are enriched in the process. So let's try it today:

"PJ likes to hear the same story over and over. When he's older he'll love rerun season."

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"My ex-husband was up all night buying everyone drinks."

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Now to the voting, at least until the cease and desist letters roll in.