That's what Kate called the movie I took the kids to the other day. Her re-titling was the best thing about the experience.
1.
The holidays this year were a time of melancholy to some extent in our family, the kids knowing that Uncle Rick wouldn't be around for this or any future Christmas. But they're holding up pretty well. On a recent rainy afternoon, I took them to the Admiral Theater for a matinee of what we had hoped would be a fun movie. A few minutes in, Dustin Hoffman With Ridiculous Accent (DHWRA) reveals he's dying. That's the premise of the film. DHWRA is giving up his stupid store which is full of crap-ass old-fashioned toys and a few Hot Wheels there because of paid product placement that all come to life and move very slowly for no real reason at all.
2.
CHARLIE: Oh no, he's not really going to die, is he?
ME: Well, I think he might. He's saying something about going to heaven.
CHARLIE: Is heaven where you go when you die and you see your mom and dad again?
3.
Mr. Megnorium apparently has been alive and bothering people for 240 years and runs this magical Penorium. DHWRA employs Natalie Portman Resembling Audrey Hepburn On Quaaludes (NPRAHOQ) to help him. She used to play piano when she was younger, a fact we are reminded of constantly even though it does not ever matter. As DHWRA gets ready to die and my poor son gets ready to weep, DHWRA decides to give NPRAHAOQ the store so apparently she can be cursed to 215 or so more years of annoying people. There is also a kid who makes mournful expressions and owns many hats. And Jason Bateman who helpfully grits his teeth along with the rest of us.
4.
Apparently the broader message of the film is "toys are magical and we all should be more like kids". Yeah, that would be great if all adults acted like kids and played with toys. Why doesn't anyone make a positive uplifting movie about how kids need to discover the magic of dressing sensibly and taking on responsibilities? That would be fantastic.
5.
As the apotheosis of DHRWA approached, my son went to the back of the auditorium and covered his eyes and ears. He did not want to see DHRWA die. By this point in the film, however, I was completely okay with this development. The sooner DHRWA goes to heaven, the sooner he gets off my screen. Kate, meanwhile, happily watched the whole thing and enjoyed some popcorn. Should have gone to Bee Movie in the theater next door.
6.
JILL: How was Mr. Megorium's wonder whatever?
ME: You mean Mr. Megnorium Munger Penorium? It was chock full of death.
JILL: Ooh. Should have gone to Bee Movie.
ME: This is what I'm saying.
JILL: Who was in it?
ME: Excruciating Dustin Hoffman, bored Natalie Portman, and Jason Bateman picking up a check.
JILL: They should just show the actors literally picking up a check in movies like that.
ME: That would be great! Like in the closing credits, just do a whole montage of the actors out of costume and makeup picking up actual checks and driving off the lot.
JILL: Happily whistling to themselves as they stop by the bank.
ME: Maybe an animation of the numbers in their bank account rolling up.
6.
KATE: I want to get some toys from Mr. Megnorium Munger Penorium!
CHARLIE: NO!
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5 comments:
This made our New Year's Eve extra hilarious.
Jeez. Sorry, that sucks. I hate when movies are marketed as something that they're not. In this case, in addition to being all about death, it was also marketed as being GOOD. Ah well.
I am thinking of you at this time of year, missing your brother. As I struggle with my own mental health, it really helps to remember why this is all worth it. Thank you.
I had a Munger Penorium when I was a kid. It was fun for like a week, and then the pointy part of the Penorium broke off and it was only good for storing my tube socks. You know, the ones with the two thick stripes at the top. I think they were called "Munger Tube Socks" or something.
In other news, we got a new Munger Penorium in the chicken nugget kid's meal at Wendys tonight. It has this thing where you stick your eye and another thing you push down to change the picture. So like a ViewMaster only not in 3-d and without the ability to change to pictures of something you'd like to see. Like the Apple Dumpling Gang, for instance. Mmmm...3-d Don Knotts...
Oh man that's the thing: I am sorry that you had to sit through such non funny dreck but I am glad for myself that it inspired such hilarity.
Even less believeable than magical toys and Dustin Hoffman's speech impediment was Mom's reaction when she found Jason Bateman in her son's room. She calmly tells him to leave?? If I walked in on a strange man in a suit jumping on my son's bed, I would be making some IMMEDIATE phone calls.
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