I'm writing you this letter to let you know that I'm leaving you. I've met someone else. Someone named Paul. St Paul. I'm going to be moving in with Paul this coming Spring. You've probably heard me say a lot about Paul on this blog. Maybe you've even had some inclination of my infatuation. Well, we're making it a permanent thing, Paul and I.
Look, we've had a great relationship, Seattle. I've kind of grown up with you, really. I was just a teenager hanging out with Federal Way when our eyes met. I used to take the bus just to meet with you for a few hours and feel cool. Later, after I was done with college and over my flings with New Jersey and Montana, we re-connected and I moved in. And we've had a great run. We went to the theater, we hung out at the radio station, you became friends with my wife and kids. I could have stayed with you forever. I probably almost did.
But then I met St Paul and I think Paul might treat me better. Paul wants to give me a bigger house and doesn't want all that much money for it. In fact, Paul doesn't want to charge me much for anything. Paul has these great schools for the kids. Paul can give me career opportunities that you, Seattle, quite frankly, have a much harder time giving me. But the biggest reason I'm moving in with Paul is for the adventure of it all. Granted, Paul's from Minnesota, a place not normally associated with the Born To Be Wild ethos, but when the offer came, I just didn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I had taken it. I do love you, Seattle, I really do, but I needed a change. You only get one life and having been to REI I wanted to go the Mall of America, too.
I know you're not the type to come running after me asking me to stay, Seattle (that aloofness is actually part of the problem - sorry!) but I'm sure you'll point out that Paul has a bit of a heating problem and do I really want to live in an environment like that. Well, I spent a few days with Paul last week when the temperature was, like, 5 degrees and yeah, I still want to be with Paul and so does my family. Paul can make me hotdish on a cold night. Also, to my surprise, Paul makes some reeeeeally good coffee and beer so that's actually all covered.
And hey, Seattle, we can still hang out. I'm probably not moving out until March. We have to sell the house for one thing, which is a lot of work getting ready. Then there's the packing and all. Also, we have loads of family and friends that live with you and we'll come back to see them. Airfare is actually super cheap between here and there. And look, if after a couple of years we don't get along with Paul anymore, we could always come back. I know you'd have us even if you wouldn't exactly throw a parade (not your style, I respect that).
Okay, Seattle. I gotta go. But listen, I'll be writing a LOT more about this in months to come. And if you know anyone who wants to buy our house, maybe some software executive from the east coast who just fell in love with you, let me know.
UPDATE: Well, no one said there wouldn't be tears.