Thursday, September 28, 2006

People I May Have Offended

(simul-blogged at

The book comes out in four more days. Available on shelves, deliverable by Amazon, the whole thing. And at that point, my descriptions of various people and accounts of my time with them become public. Perhaps it's good to take occasional inventory of some of the Conservatize Me cast of characters.

Dinesh D'Souza - Pundit. I never meet him in the book but I think I describe him as the most boring writer in the world. But because he's boring (and smug and busy), dude will never read my book. Status: safe!

"Jeff Gannon" - Fake reporter/possible real gay porn star. I had tea with him during the book and learned that maybe what he wanted all along, the reason he concocted this whole weird career trajectory is that he wanted to be a conservative pundit. And he figured the whole gay porn thing would never come up. Among conservatives. "Gannon" has plenty of people writing worse things than I did. I was almost too fascinated to be cruel. Still, what if he shows up at a reading, furious and wild-eyed? Status: mostly safe!

Rich Lowry - editor, National Review. I like Rich but he might be offended when I describe the National Review offices as looking like a fly-by-night telemarketing operation and their library as looking like the set of a high school play. And I dis their implementation of the Dewey Decimal System. Oh man, I'm adding all this up. He's going to KILL me. Status: Severe danger!

William Kristol - neo-con Godfather. I do compare him to a vampire but I also point out his eerie resemblance to my late father. He's too busy resuscitating the dying body of his ideology but hell, maybe he'll show up at the Georgetown Barnes & Noble for a reading...with a taste for blood! Status: Slight danger!

Lee Greenwood - musical atrocity. I take down Greenwood in the book. I am not kind. I am also not remorseful. In fact, I want Greenwood coming after me, shambling on over looking for a fight. Calling me out. Throwing down. Stepping to me. Two hits: me hitting him, him hitting the floor. Actually three hits: me hitting him again once he's on the floor. Status: safe!

Whew. There's a lot of these. And I haven't even gotten to Kid Rock or the mayor of Rexburg, Idaho.

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