Attention World: It's Not Okay to Stare No Matter What

So it's like this. My daughter Kate (Age 3) is a wonderful person. Passionate about music, enthused about travel and life experiences, fiercely loyal to friends and family. She's also two other things: a dwarf and adorable. She's cute as hell, there's no denying it. When you see Kate, you realize that she's proportioned differently than most other people and, as is the case with anything anomalous, that catches your attention and you need a second to make sense of it. And what happens when you add in the cuteness, well, people end up staring at her in public places. Sometimes with a smile on their faces, sometimes not.

That happened today. About a half an hour ago. We were in this coffee shop, waiting in line, and this woman kept staring at Kate.

ME: Please stop staring at my daughter.
HER: But she's so cute!
ME: That doesn't make it okay to stare at her.
HER: Well, I just think she's adorable.
ME: Stop staring at her. It's not okay.

It's not okay to stare. It's not. It's rude. But because she's a child, many people think the rules that apply to civilized society don't apply to her.

But. They. Do.

You shouldn't stare at people with physical differences. You shouldn't even stare at people who are cute just because they're cute. It's not okay.

Here's the deal. If you'd like to meet Kate, or anyone for that matter, walk up and introduce yourself. Show some respect.

Sometimes I'm glad that Kate (Age 3) fills me with such joy for the world. Because that prevents me from punching people in their eyes.

People I May Have Offended

(simul-blogged at conservatizeme.com)

The book comes out in four more days. Available on shelves, deliverable by Amazon, the whole thing. And at that point, my descriptions of various people and accounts of my time with them become public. Perhaps it's good to take occasional inventory of some of the Conservatize Me cast of characters.

Dinesh D'Souza - Pundit. I never meet him in the book but I think I describe him as the most boring writer in the world. But because he's boring (and smug and busy), dude will never read my book. Status: safe!

"Jeff Gannon" - Fake reporter/possible real gay porn star. I had tea with him during the book and learned that maybe what he wanted all along, the reason he concocted this whole weird career trajectory is that he wanted to be a conservative pundit. And he figured the whole gay porn thing would never come up. Among conservatives. "Gannon" has plenty of people writing worse things than I did. I was almost too fascinated to be cruel. Still, what if he shows up at a reading, furious and wild-eyed? Status: mostly safe!

Rich Lowry - editor, National Review. I like Rich but he might be offended when I describe the National Review offices as looking like a fly-by-night telemarketing operation and their library as looking like the set of a high school play. And I dis their implementation of the Dewey Decimal System. Oh man, I'm adding all this up. He's going to KILL me. Status: Severe danger!

William Kristol - neo-con Godfather. I do compare him to a vampire but I also point out his eerie resemblance to my late father. He's too busy resuscitating the dying body of his ideology but hell, maybe he'll show up at the Georgetown Barnes & Noble for a reading...with a taste for blood! Status: Slight danger!

Lee Greenwood - musical atrocity. I take down Greenwood in the book. I am not kind. I am also not remorseful. In fact, I want Greenwood coming after me, shambling on over looking for a fight. Calling me out. Throwing down. Stepping to me. Two hits: me hitting him, him hitting the floor. Actually three hits: me hitting him again once he's on the floor. Status: safe!

Whew. There's a lot of these. And I haven't even gotten to Kid Rock or the mayor of Rexburg, Idaho.

Conservatizing with the Pre-Conservatized

I think I'll end up doing a fair amount of public radio interviews for this book. But today I found out that I'll be doing an hour with Michael Medved on 10/5 from 1-2pm pacific time. Medved is in the book. I spent a day sitting in the studio with him while he did his show. It was the day of the London bombings. Was the word "Islamofascism" brought up? Yes. Yes it was.

But he's not the only one who probably thinks I'm dramatically underestimating Huge Threats. Someone on the left does too!

Clearly, I Gotta Have My Publicist Call Hugo Chavez

A long time ago, when I used to review books for Amazon, I was assigned the latest Chomsky tome. It was okay. My review appeared on the site.

But now Hugo Chavez has endorsed and the damn thing is at #4.

Is it too soon?

Norm MacDonald says no. It's time.

I Shall Endeavor to Double Blog

Both here and at conservatizeme.com. My first post is up there. It's about senators.

Old Skool Seattle Radio Reunion!

Also known as completely contemporary national radio.

Tomorrow (9/16), I'll be co-hosting Weekend America. It's a national public radio show (not a National Public Radio show - bonus points for caring about the difference). In the first hour airing in Seattle (12-1 at some radio station where I work), I'll be co-hosting with Bill Radke. It's the first time we've ever done radio together where I wasn't subservient to him as writer/producer/lackey. And so I shall make him pay. No. I won't. Actually, I owe Bill much of my career. Here's the trick: he'll be in Philadelphia, I'll be in Los Angeles. Should be fun. In the other hour, I'll be co-hosting with Barbara Bogaev, which is also fun but less monumental to Rewind fans.

New Site is Operational!

ConservatizeMe.com is up and running. Once I can borrow a digital video camera, there will be a YouTube welcome thingy on there too. I will continue to blog here and may also blog differently over there.

Exciting days.

Moe Family Jumps Shark

Recently, in a desperate bid to boost ratings, we went on a family trip to Kauai. "The Moe Family is going to Hawaii!" we shouted. Mysterious goings on with tiki gods soon followed. We all learned to surf and even won a contest. A huge luau was held as Charlie (age 5) fell in love with an adorable Hawaiian girl. Okay, most of that didn't happen. But we did go to Hawaii.

So what does every sitcom do when the Hawaii plotline has passed? That's right: the new baby. Coming in March. Because honestly, the ones we got won't stay cute forever. This will buy us a little more time. A third kid. Completing the trilogy. Working title: Return of the Jedi Moe. There will never be a Phantom Menace Moe because those movies never happened.

Accolades! I think!

Conservatize Me, I've just been told, is now this:

BookSense Notable pick for November

Featured Alternate Selection of Quality Paperback Book Club and InsightOut Book Club
*
Update: I think InsightOut is a Gay/Lesbian thing, so...huh? But okay!

Three Conversations with Charlie (Age 5) About Star Wars

My boy is awfully fond of Star Wars. In the same way that a koala is fond of eucalyptus. He thinks about it all the time and consumes it some form (book, stickers, Lego, prying Dad for more information) almost constantly. He's very intrigued by the Darth Vader - Obi Wan light saber battle because it's dramatically important and because it's too scary for him to watch so I need to describe it nearly every day.

HIM: Kate! I'm going to bonk you on the head! I'm going to strike you down!
ME: You can't bonk her, Charlie. If you strike your sister down, she will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
HIM: What?

HIM: Okay Kate, hold up the bat and I'll be the thrower.
HER: O-KAY!
HIM: And I'm going to strike you out!
ME: Careful, Charlie. If you strike her out, she will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

HIM: Dad, why does Obi-Wan say he will become more powerful if he gets killed?
ME: Well, he means his ghost will become powerful.
HIM: How can a ghost be powerful?
ME: He can talk to Luke once in a while. Give him advice. Be kind of a friend and helper.
HIM: Like a ghost helper?
ME: That's right.
HIM: Well, that's just stupid.

Get Out Your Satin Jackets - We Have Tour Dates

TOUR:

10/4 SEATTLE, WA/Seattle Book Salon w/Seattle Magazine/Party& Signing - The Big Picture in Belltown

10/5 SEATTLE, WA/Queen Anne Books/Speaking & Signing

10/6 OAKLAND, CA/NCIBA/Speaking @ Welcome Reception

10/7 OAKLAND, CA/NCIBA/Signing

10/12 PORTLAND, OR/PNBA/Speaking & Signing @ Celebration of Authors

10/15 PORTLAND, OR/Powell’s Bookstore/Speaking & Signing

10/16 CAPITOLA, CA/Capitola Book Café/Speaking & Signing

10/17 SAN FRANCISCO, CA/Books Inc./Speaking & Signing

10/18 SANTA ROSA, CA/Copperfield’s Books/Speaking & Signing

10/19 BERKELEY, CA/Black Oak Books/Speaking & Signing

10/20 BELLINGHAM, WA/Village Books/Speaking & Signing

10/23 BOSTON, MA/Boston University Bookstore/Speaking&Signing

10/24 WASHINGTON, DC/Barnes & Noble(Georgetown)/Speaking&Signing

10/25 MINNEAPOLIS, MN/Magers & Quinn Books/Speaking & Signing

10/26 MILWAUKEE, WI/H.W. Schwartz Bookstore/Speaking & Signing

10/27 AUSTIN, TX/Texas Book Festival/Speaking & Signing

10/28 AUSTIN, TX/Texas Book Festival/Panel & Signing

11/1 LAKE FOREST PARK, WA/Third Place Books/Speaking & Signing

11/6 SEATTLE, WA/University Bookstore/Speaking & Signing

Yes, But What's So Great About Having Kids?

It's this: one night will be the first night your son (Age 5) will really discover the full range of possibility surrounding flashlight shadow puppets as he lies in bed awaiting sleep. And he'll call you urgently into his room to see something. He'll be holding the flashlight under his arm so the arm casts a shadow on the ceiling. "Dad!" he'll say, "Look! I'm strong!" Yes. Yes you are.

In Case Anyone's Still Reading...

I took a leave of absence, you see. Went on vacation. To Hawaii, a state that can make a lot of words out of only 12 letters. I didn't announce it here in advance because we both know you'd rob my house.

Anyway, there's a thing happening at Bumbershoot (big Seattle arts hoo-ha) this weekend where I'm going to do live readings of some of my fave bits from the Pop Song Correspondences column in McSweeney's. I'm calling it "Pop Song Correspondences Comes Alive!" and it will involve music and jokes and me. 1:00 pm on Monday. For only half an hour. If it works out, maybe I could become one of those solo theater artists, like Whoopi Goldberg but hopefully without the unfortunate Ted Danson period.

Book tour dates to be announced soon! Conan doesn't want me! Olbermann does!