Wednesday, August 27, 2008

On Bunnies, Squirrels, and St Paul, Minnesota

So here in St Paul, we have all these bunnies, right? It's different than Seattle. Instead of crows we have all kinds of colorful birds. And instead of squirrels we have bunnies and also lots more squirrels.

Talking to the neighbor across the street as another bunny hops by.

HER: Yeah, they're cute but forget about it if you want to grow vegetables.
ME: Really?
HER: They'll gobble them up. Whatever you grow. Flowers too. They're relentless.
ME: Hm. Okay then.

Minutes later, I'm talking to Charlie (age 7)
ME: So what it means is that we shouldn't garden. If we garden, we'll grow to hate the bunnies. But if we DON'T garden, we not only get to love the bunnies but we also get to NOT GARDEN. Leaving us more time for everything else. And we don't have to eat disappointing salads.
HIM: Maybe we should get some carrots and then keep the leaves but replace the carrots with hot dogs.
ME: And then do...what...with them?
HIM: Put them back in the ground. Then the bunny thinks he's having a carrot and he's like "Oh no! I'm a carnivore now!" And he'd be so freaked out he'd leave us alone to grow carrots.
ME: I don't know. Seems like a lot of work. And ruined hot dogs.
HIM: But it would be funny.

By the way, regarding squirrels:
1 squirrel on a tree, unnoticeable
2 squirrels on a tree, cute
3 squirrels on a tree, weird
4 squirrels on a tree, troubling
5 squirrels on a tree (happened this morning), GET OUT OF THERE

_

10 comments:

Reid said...

I think you should make a shot-for-shot remake of The Birds, only with squirrels in place of birds. And, the title should probably be The Squirrels.

Glenn Fleishman said...

On the east coast, Connecticut specifically, the squirrels stand in the trees and yell at you for bothering them. I am not exaggerating.

Aaron said...

I happened to get a quote of yours on my Starbucks cup this morning. Nice work! :)

Lindsay Evelyn said...

Charlie's totally right though. It would be hilarious.

Scott Chicken said...

The solution to your squirrel problem is clearly to import some crows...

Speaking of squirrels, I saw Rob from the Squirrels at the 3 Girls Bakery in the market today. He says "hi", and congratulated you on getting the hell out of Seattle.

Laurie said...

What about a squirrel that keeps running into your kitchen and staring at you until you chase him out? We've named ours Earl.

Erma said...

laurie, you named him earl? no wonder he keeps coming back and staring at you.

bd said...

I hate squirrels

Anonymous said...

Well, now that you have moved to Saint Paul, here's some advice:

1. We have mice, shrews, chipmunks, squirrels, rabbits, opossums, and raccoons. If you want to have a successful vegetable garden, you will have to get rid of at least the squirrels and rabbits.

2. Squirrels are often referred to as tree rats due to their destructive nature. If you don’t have a vegetable garden, but you hear them on your roof, hire an exterminator to trap and get rid of them anyway. If they are on your roof, that means there is no more room in the trees for them and the homeless ones are trying to find a way into your attic.

3. To kill off rabbits and save your vegetables and flowers, spray clover patches in your lawn with herbicide like Ortho Weed-B-Gone. After eating the clover, all the rabbits in your yard will be dead within a month.

Grumpy Crumpet said...

I love the hotdog-eating-carnivorous-freaked-out-squirrel thing. Really wish my kid were in your kid's classroom again.

By the way, we are growing tiny carrots in a raised bed. Bunnies really aren't the problem. Total noobness is.