Things What I Have Written

1. My piece on Dagwood Bumstead's intervention is up on McSweeney's today.


Here's another thing I wrote that may turn up somewhere but is here today:

EXCERPTS FROM MY UNSUCCESSFUL AUDITION FOR VH-1’S “I LOVE THE 80’S”

The Rubik’s what? No I’m sorry, I’ve never—is that a math thing? No? Rubik’s Cube. Never heard of it. Pass.

Pat Benatar! Oh yeah! Remember in that one video she was an angry whore and started dancing with all the other angry whores? One time, and this is totally unrelated to Pat Benatar and that video, I stabbed someone.

Oh you bet I had Pac-Man Fever! I played a lot of Pac-Man in the 80’s and what was really funny is that it compounded my loneliness and isolation. The higher score I reached in the game, the lower my emotional ebb. It was a cycle. And then I kept playing, looking for some sort of sense of self-worth, you know, by getting a good score. But you always lose in the end. The ghosts consume you. Just like in life.

Jump! Van Halen! Yeah, they sure looked like they were having fun in that video. You know, funny thing, that song is actually about someone contemplating suicide and David Lee Roth is urging them to do it. Do it. Do it. Doooooooo it. But to me, that’s every Van Halen song. “Hot for Teacher”, “Running with the Devil”. They all urge the same thing. It’s code. But not the Sammy songs. Sammy is Love.

Yes, I’m aware that you have a security guard standing over there. For whatever that’s worth.

Hey, listen, I loved Beverly Hills Cop but I gotta tell you, as someone who’s been up close and personal with the Beverly Hills PD, they are not as funny as Eddie Murphy!...What? No, I wasn’t listening to Corey Feldman’s answer. Did he say the same thing I did? That must be a coincidence…I realize I was in the lobby when he was taping. Are you calling me a liar? Are you? ARE YOU?!

Atari? I’m…uh…is that a Japanese thing? Like a movie monster? I’m sorry. Pass.

Well, the 80’s were all about Ronald Reagan. The Gipper! I’ll never forget when he supported the brutal governments of El Salvador and Guatemala while funding the Contras in Nicaragua in their effort to overthrow a democratically elected leader. Thousands of people died! He was the great communicator!

Oh, I don’t think any of us from that generation will forget the Just Say No campaign. Nancy Reagan. Just Say No. And you know, it worked for everything. Especially attempts by my family to help me. Just Say No! NO!

Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love video was fantastic. All those girls with lobotomies playing instruments. I’m addicted to love too! But I’ve been in withdrawal my whole life, if you know what I mean! Because we live in a world of emotional nihilism. Robert Palmer. Dead now.

“Where everybody knows your name/ And they’re always glad you came”. Oh, I loved Cheers. Watched it every week. And I would always think the same thing: I could probably beat most of that cast in a fight. Not like if they all ganged up, but one at a time? Think about it: Shelley Long? Easy. George Wendt? John Ratzenberger? I’d whup them no problem. Kirstie Alley is tall but one punch and she goes down. Danson might be tough but I fight dirty. Yeah, I think about that all the time. Still. Today. On my way over, I was thinking about it. “You wanna be where everybody knows your name.” Yeah, I’ll teach you MY name.

Duran Duran. That’s not a real thing is it? You’re making that up.

War Games. Great movie. Matthew Broderick. Dabney Coleman. Great movie. And it really happened. Not just based on a true story, though, they filmed it at NORAD and all the equipment was live. That’s why it’s such an awesome movie. It’s authentic! You think those people were acting? It’s no joke, man. But you’ll never hear about it because the Zionists don’t want you to.

If I get this job, do you pay in cash?