Friday, March 19, 2004

More Rejected NPR Commentaries

Springtime is here and for me that means one thing: fantasy baseball! Time to draft my fantasy team and gear up for the fantasy season. And once again, I was able to get every player I wanted! The other people in my league picked guys like Alfonso Soriano, Andy Pettite, Eric Gagne. Nice players but we're talking fantasy baseball. Is Eric Gagne really a part of anyone's fantasy?

This may be the best fantasy team I've ever fielded. Here's the lineup:

Fantasy pitcher - the pitcher from the poem Casey at the Bat. Think about it: he throws three consecutive strikes to the greatest hitter in the game! Doesn't try to fool him with junk outside the strike zone. Goes after Casey, gets the strikeout. Such moxie! That guy, whatever his name is, he's on my fantasy team.

Fantasy catcher - Crash Davis. The Kevin Costner character from Bull Durham. Great with younger players, witty, articulate, good clubhouse guy. And it's Costner in his prime before he started looking like he ate bad fish all the time. In fact, Crash Davis is the only movie character on my fantasy team. Roy Hobbs from "The Natural"? Just seems like such a downer. Field of Dreams ghost players? Too spooky. Comical cast of bumblers from "Major League"? I suspect their antics would grow tiresome.

Fantasy first baseman - Gandalf

Fantasy second baseman - Jaclyn Smith. Okay, sentimental pick. But when you have a fantasy player that you've been with a long time, you stick with them. Builds morale.

Fantasy third baseman - A healthy Aaron Boone. If Boone hadn't blown out his knee this offseason, the Yankees would never have traded for Alex Rodriguez thus revealing the universe to be a cruel chaotic place where treachery alone reigns. But on my fantasy team, Aaron Boone never hurt his knee and all is well. I love fantasy baseball!

Fantasy shortstop - A magical unicorn.

Fantasy left fielder - Ted Williams. Circa 1941. He hit .406 that year, dominated the American League. And he was all in one piece and respected. My fantasy is for that to still be the case. I don't know how well Ted will get along with the unicorn but a little tension might be good in the clubhouse.

Fantasy center fielder - John Fogerty. I've been listening to him beg to be put in center field for years. I'm going to give him that chance. It's his fantasy AND mine. I figure he'll hustle if nothing else. And entertain the team on fantasy road trips.

Fantasy right fielder- a bucket of steroids! They're not much for fielding but I'm told they've led to tons of home runs the last few years. As the fantasy general manager, I'm willing to accept the inherent risks.

So that's my fantasy team: unnamed Casey at the bat pitcher guy, Crash Davis, Gandalf, Jaclyn Smith, magical unicorn, Ted Williams, John Fogerty, and a bucket of steroids. And I'll see you at the fantasy ballpark!

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