Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Further Proof That I Am Not Making "This Book Thing" Up

It's now on Amazon. It's even in CD form.

Friday, February 24, 2006

I'm Not Sure You Know About Jonathan Coulton

You probably do. But in case you don't, find out. For crying out loud, find out.

Here are his songs that you can listen to or buy.
Skullcrusher Mountain, Baby Got Back, W's Duty, The Town Crotch, and Chiron Beta Prime are among my favorites.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Jokes Written by Charlie (Age 5) That Indicate Either a Lack of Understanding About What Jokes Are, or an Absolute Mastery of the Medium

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja who?
Ninja I'm fighting crime I'm gonna fight the computer for lunch

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja who?
Ninja that sword in the computer is not a sword it's a paintbrush

Knock knock
Who's there?
Pooh who?
Knock knock. That was just the last part of the joke.

What do you get when you cross a woolly mammoth with a saber tooth tiger?
Woolly bite.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja who?
Ninja I'm in the picture--dah!--I'm gonna fight the crime in the picture

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja who?

What do you get when you cross a woolly mammoth with a sloth and a
saber tooth tiger
Woolly lazy, lazy, lazy woolly bone bites.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja who?
Ninja that's a big robot why do I have such a hard shell ow!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja who?
Ninja would you like half of my sloth burger?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja who?
Ninja would you like half of my ninja burger?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Ninja who?
Gotta go, I gotta fight the robot in the crime city.

Where do you get food from the ice age?
In a question store. And that's where you buy questions.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur who?
I'm gonna charge through your door cause I'm a triceratops.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur who?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dinosaur who?
I'm an ankylosaurus and I'm with a triceratops.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Question who?
Would you like half of my question burger?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5) Wherein He Shatters the Myth

HIM: Dad, imagination is boring.
ME: What? It is?
HIM: Yeah. Imagining things. That's boring!
ME: Why do you say that?
HIM: Because you don't get to do anything. You don't go anywhere. You don't do anything. You just sit there and think.
ME: What's better than imagining things?
HIM: Doing stuff! Doing stuff is cool! Imagination is SO BORING!
ME: Well. Okay. You have a pretty good point there.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

A Bargain

I was at a Walgreen's drug store yesterday and the elderly cashier was wearing a button that said "A FREE DISPOSABLE CAMERA if I forget to tell you about our daily special". She didn't tell me about the daily special. But I didn't ask for the camera. True, that would have been a prize. But I chose a different prize: avoidance of an awkward situation. And that was a prize for both the cashier and me.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5)

ME: If you had a whole day to do whatever you wanted, anything in the world, what would you do?
HIM: (thinks for a while) Yell.
ME: Yell?
HIM: Yeah. I'd yell a lot.
ME: I mean whatever you wanted. You could go anywhere you want, do anything, whatever you want.
HIM: I know.
ME: Yell?
HIM: Yeah. I really like yelling.
ME: Would there be anything else you would do besides the yelling? I can't imagine it would take the whole day.
HIM: I would be quiet too. I'd yell and then be quiet and then yell.
ME: Sounds fun.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 5) In Which He Recognizes Reality

the family was in the playroom in that post-dinner, pre-bedtime period when Charlie had an idea for the family to play a game that's popular in his preschool class of 20 or so children

HIM: Let's play Who's Missing!
ME: How do you play?
HIM: Everyone puts their head down and closes their eyes. Then I tap one person and they have to go hide. And then everyone has to figure out who's missing.
(everyone looks around the room, realizing that there are only four of us and we all look pretty dramatically different from one another)
ME: Okay. Let's give it a try.
HIM: Hmm. It probably won't be as exciting as it is at school. But let's do it!
Why There Are Blogs

Lakers coach Phil Jackson complains about Mavericks owner Mark Cuban to the press. Cuban puts up post on his blog titled "I Own Phil Jackson". Because he does. And he says it. I'm a Mavericks fan now. Even more because they dumped Michael Finley and because Avery Johnson gave me some great quotes for a story once.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Famous People It's Okay To Like

As part of my work at some radio station, I sometimes come across people who are, to varying degrees, famous. Maybe I interview them, maybe they just pass through the green room. And sometimes one is nervous to meet famous people because you might enjoy their work but what if they're jerks? Here are some nice famous people (note: there are other nice famous people I've met who are not on this list so if you've heard me talk to someone on the radio and they're not here, it just means I'm forgetful and not thorough)

David Sedaris
Jamie Moyer
Jeff Tweedy
Slick Watts
Bonnie Dunbar
John Flansburgh
Krist Novoselic

Friday, February 03, 2006

A Conversation With Charlie (Age 5) About...Something

ME: Who are you hanging out with at preschool these days? Who are your friends?
HIM: Well, mostly (x).
ME: (x)? What about (y)? You and (y) were so close.
HIM: Yeah, but mostly I like (x) now. It's good to get new friends and stop being with other friends, right?
ME: Well, I think it's good to make new friends and keep old friends.
HIM: Okay. Do you want three eyes?
ME: Huh? Three eyes?
HIM: I want four. No. A hundred. I want a HUNDRED EYES!

(an hour later, at bedtime)

ME: Hey Charlie, pretty soon it will be spring.
HIM: And then what will we do?
ME: Lots of things. We'll go to the garden store and get a big bag of...
HIM: Flowers?
ME: Ladybugs.
HIM: Ladybugs! WOW! That's so exciting we'll throw up our brains!
ME: Throw up our brains?
HIM: Yeah!
ME: Why would we do that?
HIM: That's what you do when something is REALLY exciting!
ME: Okay. Spring will come, we'll get ladybugs, then we'll throw up our brains.
Well That Didn't Take Long...

Terrifying Bio-engineered Animal-Snack Hybrids Not Mentioned As Potential Threats During the State of the Union Address

Thursday, February 02, 2006

The Sea Birds Are In The Tremendous Bowl!

I have a commentary thingy on All Things Considered today, with guest vocals from Andy Jensen, Tina Kunz, Matthew Baldwin, and Steve Alliston.

Page 14 Omit mention of my being the child of 75 whores who birthed me simultaneously using voodoo. Insert, "Mom was a registered nurse and Dad was a freight truck dispatcher."

Page 49 As I cannot recollect precisely how many high school classmates I ensnared in bear traps and being as police records are at best inconclusive, leave out entire passage.

Page 74 through end of chapter Omit all that business about Hal Linden and the roofies and the Satanic cult. Evidence points to this being imagined from a particularly compelling piece of Barney Miller fan fiction that I wrote.

Page 102 Omit being drafted by the Chicago Bears in the third round of 1994 NFL draft. Some say it was me, some say Jim Flanagan, a defensive tackle out of Notre Dame. I don’t want to hold up the printing process by taking the time to verify it.

Page 140 Replace the word "founded" with "adored" in discussion of The Bangles.

Chapter 8 Cut entire chapter with all that business about being on death row for murdering unicorns. It was harrowing and really did shape who I was but book might be more streamlined without it.

Page 171 Omit "Battle of the Bands" guitar solo showdown with Hal Linden.

Page 216 It has come to my attention that it is neither physically nor logistically possible to "strangle Kansas". So I guess I have no argument as to how it happened. Also, might hurt sales in Kansas and parts of Missouri.

Page 217 Same thing with "strangle Peru". To be safe, just cut it.

Page 239 Omit mention of marriages to Gregg Allman and Mitzi Gaynor. Paperwork for these was never processed and I’ve been getting some phone calls.

Page 260 through 344 (end) Omit all discussion of "lessons learned" and "wisdom gained". Replace with hard-core pornography. Ideally, the pornography would involve Hal Linden.