Thursday, February 02, 2006

LAST MINUTE CHANGES TO THE MANUSCRIPT OF MY MEMOIR BEFORE IT GOES TO PRESS, MADE IN LIGHT OF RECENT EVENTS

Page 14 Omit mention of my being the child of 75 whores who birthed me simultaneously using voodoo. Insert, "Mom was a registered nurse and Dad was a freight truck dispatcher."

Page 49 As I cannot recollect precisely how many high school classmates I ensnared in bear traps and being as police records are at best inconclusive, leave out entire passage.

Page 74 through end of chapter Omit all that business about Hal Linden and the roofies and the Satanic cult. Evidence points to this being imagined from a particularly compelling piece of Barney Miller fan fiction that I wrote.

Page 102 Omit being drafted by the Chicago Bears in the third round of 1994 NFL draft. Some say it was me, some say Jim Flanagan, a defensive tackle out of Notre Dame. I don’t want to hold up the printing process by taking the time to verify it.

Page 140 Replace the word "founded" with "adored" in discussion of The Bangles.

Chapter 8 Cut entire chapter with all that business about being on death row for murdering unicorns. It was harrowing and really did shape who I was but book might be more streamlined without it.

Page 171 Omit "Battle of the Bands" guitar solo showdown with Hal Linden.

Page 216 It has come to my attention that it is neither physically nor logistically possible to "strangle Kansas". So I guess I have no argument as to how it happened. Also, might hurt sales in Kansas and parts of Missouri.

Page 217 Same thing with "strangle Peru". To be safe, just cut it.

Page 239 Omit mention of marriages to Gregg Allman and Mitzi Gaynor. Paperwork for these was never processed and I’ve been getting some phone calls.

Page 260 through 344 (end) Omit all discussion of "lessons learned" and "wisdom gained". Replace with hard-core pornography. Ideally, the pornography would involve Hal Linden.

4 comments:

flamingbanjo said...

Great. Now I have to try to forget that the term "Barney Miller fan fiction" ever existed. Thanks a lot.

Adam said...

that is very very funny.

la Ketch said...

page 140. still laughing at that one for some reason. Great spot on "All Things..." Go MOE!

Anonymous said...

What about strangling the Kansas, the band?
I could get behind that.