I Talked About The Movie "Predator" On National Public Radio.
You can listen to it here. And write to the show demanding I get a regular slot here.

So that's what Suzanne Somers doesn't really look like
The wonderful Celebrity Dollhouse from the wonderfuler Cup of Chicha.

Humpty Dumpty.

Of course all the king's horses couldn't get him together again. How could horses put an egg together?

Wait. Where does it even say that Humpty Dumpty was an egg in the first place?

Is there any kind of creature that a horse can put together?

What kind of name is Humpty Dumpty anyway?

I have kids.

Not Funny: The Latest Chapter

Today, author Chuck Palahniuk came in to appear as a guest on some radio show I produce at some radio station. Someone asked where he had been earlier in the day and he said he had been at another station and all they wanted to talk about was Fight Club. "But wait", I said, "I thought you weren't supposed to talk about Fight Club. That's the first rule!"

He didn't think that was so funny. He wasn't a jerk about it at all but was clearly exasperated with such a gag.

Then I realized that I got sick of that joke like two years ago. And I'm just me. Imagine how sick of it he must be.

His new book is really good, by the way.

Damn
I regret that I did not write this. For it is brilliance.

I Pity The Fool

Who doesn't read this interview.

A Leader of Person-kind
Yesterday, I walked up to an intersection. The light said "Don't Walk" but there was no traffic. A few people were waiting anyway, just talking amongst themselves or thinking about other things. But I took matters into my own hands. Advocating the law of common sense instead of municipal precision, I crossed the street anyway. Others took notice and, seeing my indisputable logic, crossed too. Were it not for my risky leadership, they would have crossed that street...slightly later!

Evidence

So I work at some radio station, right? And we have a computer in the newsroom where we download music snippets for talk show transitional music. Today, there was a note by that computer. Either that note was a reminder of what song to download or...OR...the station had a secret from a very big celebrity whose mere existence we were somehow doubting.

The note read: "I'm Real - Jennifer Lopez".

I knew it.

Bad Game

Don't play this game. It's a bad game. I hate you, game!

Okay I admit it, I hate you only because... I love you so much.

How to Make Snoop Dogg's Head Explode
Ask him to read this sentence using his notorious "izzle-fizzle" patois:
"I need to buy a fizzling chisel and some Twizzlers then go to Sizzler while it drizzles."

Just Checking
I have a question based on something I saw in the bank parking lot.
If you're sitting in a convertible Mercedes and you're wearing Matrix sunglasses and you're talking on an itty-bitty cell phone and you have bleached tips in your hair and you're a man and you're in Seattle and you're parked in between two "disabled only" parking spots in a place that is supposed to be a walkway, then no matter what you're a prick, right?

Of Course!
Why have I never thought of this?

Overcoming Adversity I Didn't Realize I Was Facing

So last night I stopped at a gas station and filled my truck up with gas. When I went into the little store to buy some gum, the cashier's choice of words troubled me:

"Hey buddy, how you holding up?"
"You doing okay there, guy?"
"All set there, man? You hanging in there?"
"Okay, take care of yourself, man. Take it easy."

After I left, I wondered if there was some horrible event that had happened to me. And if maybe the gas station attendant somehow knew about it before I did.

It Will Be So Hard To Tell My Wife
It turns out I'm a Kucinich supporter. I mean, I'm not. But this computer thingy says that I am. I guess it's like in high school when I took that test that encouraged me to be a diesel mechanic.

Sometimes...
I include links because I hate my readers and want them to lose their jobs and friends.

The Big Time!

If you're not lucky enough to be bothered by me via e-mail...

"The Big Time!" is a family musical comedy about a sock, a lamp, and a vacuum cleaner who become rock stars. I wrote the script and Chris Ballew wrote five fantastic songs for the show.

Chris and I really have a lot in common:

* He sold 4 million records as the lead singer of The Presidents of the United States of America. I sold several records at my local used CD store.
* He performs the "Cleveland Rocks" theme song to the Drew Carey Show. I've seen that show.
* He is famous. I have rented the movie "Almost Famous". Couple times.

"The Big Time!" is going to Edinburgh Scotland in August for the huge Fringe Festival therein and the folks who are taking it there are offering a one night only performance of it here in Seattle on July 26 (details below). Another production will be performing at Bumbershoot on September 1st and may then move on to a yet to be announced Seattle location for a special Saturday morning brunch performance run. There will also be a production going to Adelaide, Australia and South Carolina in 2004.

It's a fun show that kids and non-kids can enjoy together. And it's only like 50 minutes long.

(Sorry if you are outside the Seattle area and got this anyway. But if you know a theater producer who might want to produce the show, well, let me know.)

***

Left Coast Theatre's one-night Edinburgh Fringe benefit
Sat July 26 at the Nippon Kan Theatre, 628. S. Washington St

The Big Time! ~ a fairytale/mockumentary that will delight all ages: ‘Toy
Story’ meets ‘Spinal Tap’.
5:00pm, tickets $8/$6 under 18.

Vera Wilde ~ great songs, outrageous wit, passion, politics and feather boas
collide when young Russian idealist Vera Zasulich inspires Oscar Wilde’s
first play. ‘Best New Play 2002’ –Seattle Times.
8:00pm, tickets $12/$10 under 18.

For reservations phone 206-768-1030
More information http://www.leftcoasttheatre.com

Free parking is available in the lot behind the theatre. The Big Time! runs
45 minutes, so there’s time to go to dinner in the International District
and come back for Vera at 8:00, which runs 1 hr 40 minutes.

What If Pro Athletes Joined Rock Bands?

Sam Goldberg and I have been kicking these around for a while. Here's what we came up with.

System of a McNown
Travis Knight Ranger
Chris Fuamatu Ma'afala Fighters
Richard Jefferson Starship
Reggie Jackson 5
Dinosaur Junior Seau
Destiny's Chris Child
Davis Loverboy III
Marshall Faulk Implosion
Bettis Than Ezra
Primitive Radio God Shammgod
Dupergrass
Loopertramp
Counting (Germane) Crowell
Proehl Dirty Bastard
Rolen Stones
Rondell White Stripes
Kendrell Bell Biv DeVoe
Gerry & the Orlando Pacemakers
Danny Whitesnake
Charlie Batch Street Boys
Crosby Stills Nash and Dmitri Young
David Carrland Vocal Band
Twisted Sistrunk
J.D. Drews Traveler
Sigur Jalen Ros
Junior Felix M.A.F.I.A.
Tony Tone' Toni Kukoc
Guns n' Malik Roses
Pu-Hole
Dallas Cowboy Junkies
Edie Brickell & Bryce Drew Bohemians
Tears for Chris Mears
Sugar Grant Hill Gang
Loverbordick
Zach Day Real Estate
Vida Blue Oyster Cult
Jars of Cassius Clay
Mario (Lemieux) Speedwagon
Depeche Moog
Judas Priest Holmes
Grant Fuhr Railroad
Orchestral Manute Bol in the Dark

There's Bad News and Then There's Baaaaaad News
While we at Monkey Disaster mourn the death of Buddy Hackett, we mourn even more the potential rise to prominence of his son, Sandy Hackett.

Are You Complicit?
Apparently, terrible crimes are being committed. With your choice of bacon or sausage.
Also, it seems that where some people see problems, others see solutions.

Been Gone A While
Dealing with medical stuff having to do with my daughter.

Here are a couple of thoughts during that time:

1. It's hard to explain to people who don't know that my daughter has achondroplasia . I will be talking about a medical situation that's unique to her condition and say something like "cause, you know, she's a little person." And they'll smile and nod thinking that I mean she's a baby, which she is, but she's also a dwarf. Then I say "I mean she's a little person. A, uh, little person." And they'll keep smiling. And then I'll just say "A dwarf. She's a dwarf." And then they look stunned. I guess I like the part where they look stunned.

2. People often say "Well, God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Or "God must have known what great parents you were." And it makes me think that maybe God has a big scoreboard where whenever people are having some success at achieving a normal balanced life, He sends them down some crazy challenge just to bring them down a notch. And that makes me wonder, you know, if maybe we're going about this all wrong. Maybe if you prove to be a totally weak person and a really lousy parent, God will send you ice cream and some free Nintendo games and a sort of Master Child with the strength of Big John Studd and the peaceful demeanor of Art Garfunkel. Perhaps this is all part of God's plan.

Oh, and my daughter is doing just fine now. Thanks God! I guess!