Well, I for one am spamused.

Through the estimable blog of the legendary Lore, I found Spamusement. It is Spamazing.

cwm_at_npr

Reason #114 to send in your pledge of support: facilities upgrades.

The Greatest of All Time

Well, okay Michael Jordan is pretty good at basketball. But when it comes to voice-over work? Not so much. (a few items down) (thanks to the estimable Wizznutzz).

I was in a store yesterday

And the radio station, a "continuous soft hits" station, announced that coming up would be "Extreme Jim Croce".

I thought, that can mean three different things:

1. Lots of Croce songs
2. An unholy remix of Croce and those "More Than Words" dudes
3. The most unsuccessful Mountain Dew flavor ever

You add a hotheaded story about hot dogs to your blog...

And suddenly all your new Google Adsense ads are about hot dogs.
Wait, I just mentioned hot dogs again - ah! a third time! -- now I'll always be stuck with hot dog ads! Four times! Porn porn porn porn.

Nobody Believes Me About The Volcanoes

CHARLIE (age 4): Dad, what comes out of a volcano? Meat?
ME: Meat?
CHARLIE: It's meat, right?
ME: No! There's no meat in volcanoes!
CHARLIE: Yes there is you're just joking right?
ME: I swear there's no meat in volcanoes.
CHARLIE: What is there?
ME: Well there's steam. Steam comes out of volcanoes.
KATE (age 2): No!
ME: Yes! Steam! Look, here's a picture in the paper of steam coming out of a volcano. It's called Mt. St. Helen's.
CHARLIE: What else comes out of a volcano?
ME: Well, ash. Steam. Lava.
CHARLIE: Hot lava?
ME: Yes.
CHARLIE: Okay. Yes. Right. (pause) And meat.

The Imminent Threat of Chickens

(note: I understand from Defective Yeti that some radio station did some segment on parenting blogs the other night. Details are sketchy.)

So I was at Kelsey Creek Farm yesterday with Charlie, who is four years old. And there were some chickens walking around as they often do there. And then things got dark.

HIM: Dad, can I say hi to the chickens?
ME: Sure. Go ahead.
HIM: Hello, chickens. How are you today?
ME: (beaming with pride over my son's empathy and kind soul)
HIM: Are you looking for seeds? Or are you looking for grains? Or insects? Or are you hunting for human skin?
ME: What?! Human skin?
HIM: Are they looking for the skin of people to eat, Dad?
ME: What? No, I don't...I hope not. Where did you hear about that?
HIM: I just thought about it.

Oh My

Brown Zogg will command the bird armies.

The Home Improvement Plan

So Charlie, who is four years old, thinks that the recent siding put on the house does not go far enough in improving our house. He proposes, for our wee little front yard, that we acquire some large animals. Specifically, he's pushing for us to obtain a yak, a musk ox, a buffalo, and a bison ("Aren't a buffalo and a bison the same thing, Charlie?" "No! You're just joking, right Dad?")
ME: How are we going to get these animals?
HIM: We'll have to go to Montana. We will drive to Montana and get them there.
ME: We only have, like, a station wagon. How are we going to get them back home?
HIM: They can be on skateboards.
ME: Can yaks ride skateboards?
HIM: No, we'll drag them behind the car. We'll need some ropes.
ME: That sounds dangerous.
HIM: We'll get them some helmets. We'll get REALLY big helmets for the yak, the musk ox, the buffalo, and the bison.
ME: What about the horns?
HIM: Mom will cut holes in the helmets for the animals to put their horns through.
ME: Well. Okay. Sounds like we're all set then.

The Rocky Roll Band In Which I Sing...

Now sells stuff. I like the trucker hat.

Take Care of the Children

So I'm in this Seattle area hot dog place. Only other customers are a woman reading People magazine and her son, about six years old. He announces that he needs to pee really bad and wants his mom to come with him. She doesn't even answer. He reiterates his need. She tells him that the bathroom is right there. She asks him to please go with her. Then his Dad comes in, meeting them for lunch. He just rubs his wife's back while she reads People. Son asks Dad to come with him to the bathroom. Dad refuses. Kid's going crazy. Meanwhile I'm sitting there with a hot dog in a room where the only topic is URINE.
At this point, sentient and sensible parents will maybe realize that the thing to do is to take your kid to the friggin' bathroom as there are people trying to eat around there who really don't want to hear about pee anymore. Maybe a decent parent would think that maybe there are other people in the place.
So I took my hot dog and walked to the door. And I stopped and said "You know, maybe some people would rather eat their hot dogs without having to hear about urine. I sure wish you'd do something about that in the future."

(shudder)

there's this.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4)

HIM: Dad, what's your middle name?
ME: Erling.
HIM: (incredulous) Erling?!
ME: Yep. It was my dad's name. His first name.
HIM: Did he die?
ME: Yes, he did.
HIM: So now Uncle Rick is your dad.
ME: No, that's not how it works. Grandpa Moe is still my dad.
HIM: Oh. How so?
ME: He just is. You pretty much just get the one dad.
HIM: Can I be your dad?
ME: You? I don't know about that.
HIM: Can I? I'll be your dad! Do you think that's a good idea?
ME: Well...can I still be your dad, too?
HIM: Yes!

That's No Bargain

NPR runs this underwriting spot that mentions a special chair that's supposed to be all great and everything. And then they give the URL which is sitforless.com. And I'm thinking, sit for less? But sitting isn't supposed to cost anything.

Yeah, it's okay...

But I wonder how much better Are We There Yet would be if it starred MC Ren instead.

Parent Snobbery

Okay, so when you say "I know what it's like to have kids, I have a dog" or "I don't have kids but I have nieces and nephews so I know what it's like", well, I'm sorry. I know you mean well. But I've had dogs, nieces and nephews, and kids and I know the difference. it's sort of like talking to a World War II veteran and saying "I know what that must have been like cause I got in an argument with someone once."

So I took a month off. Sorry.

A conversation with Charlie (age 4) about why I wasn't at work yesterday

ME: You know why I'm not at work today?
HIM: Is it Sunday?
ME: No. It's Martin Luther King Day. It's a day that kids don't go to school and a lot of people don't go to work and we remember what a man named Martin Luther King did.
HIM: Did he die?
ME: Well, yeah. He did.
HIM: Why?
ME: I'll get to that. The deal with Martin Luther King was that he thought people should all be together. Like, you know how your friend Will has darker skin than you? And how Will's dad has darker skin?
HIM: And I have bright skin!
ME: Or light skin. Yeah. Well, it used to be that he would have to go to different schools than you and not get to eat in the same restaurants or use the same bathrooms as you. And Martin Luther King and a bunch of other people thought that wasn't right.
HIM: Like my fish! My fish had lighter skin in the summer and it turned dark in the fall.
ME: Well, that's kind of another thing. I'm talking about people.
HIM: And I'm talking about fish.
ME: But Martin Luther King was a person. And he worked hard so that everyone could be together. And once a year we have a holiday, like Christmas or Thanksgiving, to remind ourselves of that work.
HIM: How did he die?
ME: Well, they shot him. People didn't want all that to happen so they shot him. But we try to make it happen anyway.
(long pause)
HIM: I want to talk about my fish some more.

The House of Flying Daggers

It's a movie that opens this weekend.

I gotta think if you're a real estate agent, that's going to be a hard house to sell.

Buyers would tour the place and try to be polite:
"No, I like the closet space, there was plenty of that. Yeah, and the location is fantastic, you're right, close to schools and shopping. The kitchen was beautiful, I can tell it was recently remodeled and the commercial grade stove and fridge are really great. No, I loved the bathroom with the clawfoot tub and the antique fixtures and all that. The thing is, I just can't imagine really feeling comfortable living here with all the flying daggers. Yes, actually, there are a lot of them. Look, there goes one now. No, you're wrong, it IS a problem. I've already been stabbed four times. Can we please look at some other houses now? I know it's priced to sell but it just doesn't feel like home to me. Yes, precisely because of the flying daggers."

Thoughts on the Sonics.

- Danny Fortson dominates the game when he's in. It doesn't even show up in the stats but it's just a different game when he's in there. Either he's crashing the post or people think he's going to. Either he's grabbing a rebound or everyone wonders if he will. Also he went with a fetching top of the head ponytail, Barbara Eden-style, instead of the pig tails last night.
- Luke Ridnour. He's good. He's fast, he can shoot, and he seems like a robot. Seriously, dude has no personality. It's like having a basketball cyborg on your team.
- Nick Collison. Oh yeah, having one of the best college players in the country on your team, and a guy who actually played all four years in college, that's a good thing. It means he's probably good at playing basketball.
- Reggie Evans is the classic beefy sidekick who doesn't need the spotlight but helps in the game. He's the Chewbacca of the team. The Rerun of the team. When they make a movie of the '04-'05 Sonics, he'll be played by John C. Reilly.
- Jerome James. Contract year. He's playing well because he knows that if the team wins and he does precisely what he's told, he might just fool people one more time into thinking he's a good player. That's why he's smiling all the time.
- Rashard Lewis. Rashard does not want to make decisions. He does not want to lead the team. He doesn't want to decide if we should go out for Thai or Mexican. He can't make up his mind about seeing that new Hugh Grant movie or the Jim Carrey thing. He doesn't really care whether we spend Christmas with his family or your family. He's the guy who finally gets the overbearing girlfriend (Ray) and it totally works out for everyone. It's not even that he's whipped, he just needs someone to tell him what to do.

America?

Well, yes. (caution: cussing)