Thursday, March 31, 2005

Authors have websites

When you aim to write a book, you're going to need a website to promote them so you don't look like such a schmuck when you blow your advance on tacos and pet pigs. Turns out really good, really interesting writers sometimes have outstandingly interesting websites. When my book comes out (2006, I believe) I hope it will be interesting and good. (thanks to the estimable Killing My Lobster for the link)

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I was trying to think of a gag

but Defective Yeti is better than me.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Marvin Gaye and Grapevines

I got this thing up on McSweeney's today.
There are more famous and successful athletes.

But Paul Shirley is one of my new favorites.
"I really felt like I had a stellar set of games. Min: 0, TP: 0, FG%: Undefined. Bravo."

Thursday, March 24, 2005

How To Be A Terrible Father

1 screaming two-year-old
It being six in the goddamn morning

1. Go to two-year-old's room
2. Listen to her angrily demand not just "Mama" but "Mama Mama Mama Mama! Maaaa-maaaa!"
3. Pick her up and carry her around the house, talking to her in soothing tones
4. see step 2
5. Offer her cereal, a banana, juice, anything in the kitchen
6. see step 2
7. Evaluate future self-hatred against short-term convenience
8. Ask two-year-old if she wants to go downstairs and watch Sesame Street
9. Listen to her say "Yeah!" with more joy and conviction than any human, regardless of age, could seemingly muster
10. Plop her down
11. Turn it on
12. Go back to bed
13. Hate self
14. Fall asleep for another 30 minutes

Friday, March 18, 2005


A teenage girl (Haylie Duff) rebels against her authoritarian parents (Meredith Baxter-Birney, Harpo) by dating an older man (Groucho). Things get out of control when the man turns out to be marked by the mob. A notorious mafia assassin (Chico) comes to town to settle the score, placing the whole family in danger.

A rising star lawyer (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) thinks she’s landed a dream job until her new boss (Harpo) starts making sexual advances. Her only friend at the firm, a brilliant but troubled young attorney (Chico), pledges to help her but turns up missing under suspicious circumstances. Now she must defend her career and honor in front of an eccentric judge (Groucho).

A high school football player (Harpo) is a star on the field in a small Texas town, but he’s acting strange and erratic at home. His mother (Jaclyn Smith) suspects steroid use. But is she strong enough to confront the powerful football coach (Groucho) and the crooked high school principal (Chico)?

A lonely woman (Valerie Bertinelli) meets the man of her dreams (Chico) online. But an arranged meeting turns terrifying as he kidnaps her and takes her to an isolated Utah compound. There she meets the charismatic leader of a dangerous religious cult (Harpo) but also another lost soul (Groucho) with whom she plots escape.

A friendly encounter with an auto mechanic (Groucho) seems innocent enough to a divorced mother (Delta Burke) until he starts coming by her house late at night and making threats. The local police chief (Harpo) brushes off her concern and as the obsession turns increasingly dangerous, she must turn to her estranged husband (Chico).

A weeklong honeymoon on a sailing boat turns dangerous for a young couple (Justine Bateman, Harry Hamlin) when they meet up with a charming sea captain (Groucho) who turns out to be a drug smuggler. Soon they are on the run from pirates (Chico, James Brolin) and a crooked DEA agent (Harpo).

An idealistic college graduate (Sara Gilbert) takes a Peace Corps position in the country of Freedonia. Soon she finds herself at the center of political turmoil between the newly appointed ruler (Groucho) and a pair of spies (Chico, Harpo). Also, another man (Zeppo) does very little and contributes nothing to the film.

A dedicated medical school graduate (Shannen Doherty) shocks her parents (Dabney Coleman, Margaret Dumont) by taking a job in a remote part of Alaska. There, she must overcome the skepticism of the chief of the native tribe (Groucho), the resistance of local lumberjacks (Chico, Greg Evigan, Richard Moll), and a bear (Harpo).

A photographer (Cheryl Ladd) unwittingly takes a picture of a murderer (Chico) disposing of a body (Margaret Dumont). She finds help, and love, in a dedicated newspaper editor (Groucho) as they try to prove what she saw was real, all the while being hunted by the murderer’s henchman (Harpo).

A single mother (Dana Delaney) is accused of child abuse by the couple next door (Chico, Heather Locklear) and soon finds herself in a custody battle with an ambitious social worker (Groucho). Now she must take on the system to prove her fitness for motherhood, expose corruption, and win back her baby (Harpo).

An enterprising woman (Pam Dawber) moves to a small town to fulfill her dream of opening a bakery. She finds love with a local attorney (Groucho) but encounters trouble when the town reveals its terrible secrets (Chico, Harpo).

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Remember that time you asked me to show you a disturbing music video where Olympic sprinter Carl Lewis sings and seems like a children's television version of Grace Jones?

Well here you go.
Have I mentioned lately...

How much I love Strindberg & Helium? Well, now I have.
First Mario leaves now this!

They're going to be drilling in ANWAR? What? Huh?

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

In Other News...

Blogging is dead. Kottke linked to the New York Times article that points to the all-new and inexplicably existent Rosie O'Donnell blog.

Monday, March 14, 2005

A Conversation with Charlie (age 4) Regarding Long-Range Goals

HIM: When I grow up, I'm going to be a zookeeper. I am going to run the zoo.
ME: That's great. What will be in your zoo?
HIM: Lions. And gazelles and zebras. And they'll all be in the same cage and the lions will chase the gazelles and the zebras. And catch them and kill them and eat them.
ME: Wow. What kind of zoo is this?
HIM: Well...a city zoo.
ME: Yeah, sounds like it.
Well, I for one am spamused.

Through the estimable blog of the legendary Lore, I found Spamusement. It is Spamazing.

Saturday, March 12, 2005


Reason #114 to send in your pledge of support: facilities upgrades.

Friday, March 11, 2005

The Greatest of All Time

Well, okay Michael Jordan is pretty good at basketball. But when it comes to voice-over work? Not so much. (a few items down) (thanks to the estimable Wizznutzz).
I was in a store yesterday

And the radio station, a "continuous soft hits" station, announced that coming up would be "Extreme Jim Croce".

I thought, that can mean three different things:

1. Lots of Croce songs
2. An unholy remix of Croce and those "More Than Words" dudes
3. The most unsuccessful Mountain Dew flavor ever

Thursday, March 10, 2005

You add a hotheaded story about hot dogs to your blog...

And suddenly all your new Google Adsense ads are about hot dogs.
Wait, I just mentioned hot dogs again - ah! a third time! -- now I'll always be stuck with hot dog ads! Four times! Porn porn porn porn.
Nobody Believes Me About The Volcanoes

CHARLIE (age 4): Dad, what comes out of a volcano? Meat?
ME: Meat?
CHARLIE: It's meat, right?
ME: No! There's no meat in volcanoes!
CHARLIE: Yes there is you're just joking right?
ME: I swear there's no meat in volcanoes.
CHARLIE: What is there?
ME: Well there's steam. Steam comes out of volcanoes.
KATE (age 2): No!
ME: Yes! Steam! Look, here's a picture in the paper of steam coming out of a volcano. It's called Mt. St. Helen's.
CHARLIE: What else comes out of a volcano?
ME: Well, ash. Steam. Lava.
CHARLIE: Hot lava?
ME: Yes.
CHARLIE: Okay. Yes. Right. (pause) And meat.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

The Imminent Threat of Chickens

(note: I understand from Defective Yeti that some radio station did some segment on parenting blogs the other night. Details are sketchy.)

So I was at Kelsey Creek Farm yesterday with Charlie, who is four years old. And there were some chickens walking around as they often do there. And then things got dark.

HIM: Dad, can I say hi to the chickens?
ME: Sure. Go ahead.
HIM: Hello, chickens. How are you today?
ME: (beaming with pride over my son's empathy and kind soul)
HIM: Are you looking for seeds? Or are you looking for grains? Or insects? Or are you hunting for human skin?
ME: What?! Human skin?
HIM: Are they looking for the skin of people to eat, Dad?
ME: What? No, I don't...I hope not. Where did you hear about that?
HIM: I just thought about it.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Oh My

Brown Zogg will command the bird armies.
The Home Improvement Plan

So Charlie, who is four years old, thinks that the recent siding put on the house does not go far enough in improving our house. He proposes, for our wee little front yard, that we acquire some large animals. Specifically, he's pushing for us to obtain a yak, a musk ox, a buffalo, and a bison ("Aren't a buffalo and a bison the same thing, Charlie?" "No! You're just joking, right Dad?")
ME: How are we going to get these animals?
HIM: We'll have to go to Montana. We will drive to Montana and get them there.
ME: We only have, like, a station wagon. How are we going to get them back home?
HIM: They can be on skateboards.
ME: Can yaks ride skateboards?
HIM: No, we'll drag them behind the car. We'll need some ropes.
ME: That sounds dangerous.
HIM: We'll get them some helmets. We'll get REALLY big helmets for the yak, the musk ox, the buffalo, and the bison.
ME: What about the horns?
HIM: Mom will cut holes in the helmets for the animals to put their horns through.
ME: Well. Okay. Sounds like we're all set then.