Take Care of the Children

So I'm in this Seattle area hot dog place. Only other customers are a woman reading People magazine and her son, about six years old. He announces that he needs to pee really bad and wants his mom to come with him. She doesn't even answer. He reiterates his need. She tells him that the bathroom is right there. She asks him to please go with her. Then his Dad comes in, meeting them for lunch. He just rubs his wife's back while she reads People. Son asks Dad to come with him to the bathroom. Dad refuses. Kid's going crazy. Meanwhile I'm sitting there with a hot dog in a room where the only topic is URINE.
At this point, sentient and sensible parents will maybe realize that the thing to do is to take your kid to the friggin' bathroom as there are people trying to eat around there who really don't want to hear about pee anymore. Maybe a decent parent would think that maybe there are other people in the place.
So I took my hot dog and walked to the door. And I stopped and said "You know, maybe some people would rather eat their hot dogs without having to hear about urine. I sure wish you'd do something about that in the future."

(shudder)

there's this.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4)

HIM: Dad, what's your middle name?
ME: Erling.
HIM: (incredulous) Erling?!
ME: Yep. It was my dad's name. His first name.
HIM: Did he die?
ME: Yes, he did.
HIM: So now Uncle Rick is your dad.
ME: No, that's not how it works. Grandpa Moe is still my dad.
HIM: Oh. How so?
ME: He just is. You pretty much just get the one dad.
HIM: Can I be your dad?
ME: You? I don't know about that.
HIM: Can I? I'll be your dad! Do you think that's a good idea?
ME: Well...can I still be your dad, too?
HIM: Yes!

That's No Bargain

NPR runs this underwriting spot that mentions a special chair that's supposed to be all great and everything. And then they give the URL which is sitforless.com. And I'm thinking, sit for less? But sitting isn't supposed to cost anything.

Yeah, it's okay...

But I wonder how much better Are We There Yet would be if it starred MC Ren instead.

Parent Snobbery

Okay, so when you say "I know what it's like to have kids, I have a dog" or "I don't have kids but I have nieces and nephews so I know what it's like", well, I'm sorry. I know you mean well. But I've had dogs, nieces and nephews, and kids and I know the difference. it's sort of like talking to a World War II veteran and saying "I know what that must have been like cause I got in an argument with someone once."

So I took a month off. Sorry.

A conversation with Charlie (age 4) about why I wasn't at work yesterday

ME: You know why I'm not at work today?
HIM: Is it Sunday?
ME: No. It's Martin Luther King Day. It's a day that kids don't go to school and a lot of people don't go to work and we remember what a man named Martin Luther King did.
HIM: Did he die?
ME: Well, yeah. He did.
HIM: Why?
ME: I'll get to that. The deal with Martin Luther King was that he thought people should all be together. Like, you know how your friend Will has darker skin than you? And how Will's dad has darker skin?
HIM: And I have bright skin!
ME: Or light skin. Yeah. Well, it used to be that he would have to go to different schools than you and not get to eat in the same restaurants or use the same bathrooms as you. And Martin Luther King and a bunch of other people thought that wasn't right.
HIM: Like my fish! My fish had lighter skin in the summer and it turned dark in the fall.
ME: Well, that's kind of another thing. I'm talking about people.
HIM: And I'm talking about fish.
ME: But Martin Luther King was a person. And he worked hard so that everyone could be together. And once a year we have a holiday, like Christmas or Thanksgiving, to remind ourselves of that work.
HIM: How did he die?
ME: Well, they shot him. People didn't want all that to happen so they shot him. But we try to make it happen anyway.
(long pause)
HIM: I want to talk about my fish some more.