Wednesday, June 25, 2003

I'm Not Funny
So I was at Bartell Drugs picking up a prescription and I got there right as they were opening the pharmacy. The employee was about to help me bu she had not yet put on her bright red employee vest. "Hold on a second", she said as she struggled with it briefly.
Wanting to be funny, I said "You can't officially be a pharmacist until you put on the smock."
She said, "Oh. I'm not a pharmacist. I'm just the drug dealer."
Then I said "Wouldn't it be great if all drug dealers wore smocks?"
She said nothing for a second and then asked, quite clinically, "How may I help you?"

Monday, June 23, 2003

Oh, they know what they're doing. They know exactly what they're doing.

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store with toddler son Charlie. We were parked in front of the store but not going in because there was a crucial at-bat in the Mariner game on the radio. Charlie wanted to go in to the store because why wait. I said to hold on a minute. He thought for a second and launched into a histrionic teary cry, saying he wanted to go in NOW. As it happened, the at-bat ended (Edgar freakin' Martinez striking out) and I went to get Charlie and go in to the store, just like he wanted. When I lifted him out of his car seat, he was clearly thrilled at this event that he thought he caused. He dropped his charade of sorrow, smiled real big, and said "It worked!"

In the future, I expect, he'll remember not to betray the thinness of his little act.
Specialized Amusement
Looking for a way to pass the time that incorporates your deep knowledge of the connections between jurisprudence and baseball history? Wait, I know what you're saying, "Sure I am, John, as long as it's based on tenuous suppositions and it's really boring."
Splendid! Go here.

Friday, June 20, 2003

The Search For An Angle
Is there a journalistic undercurrent in pro wrestling? This reviewer thinks so.

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Great Moments in URL Selection
You can go ahead and hope for the best at or try to find the perfect gift at but disappointment is sure to follow.
These valuable tips from the inevitable Dave Barry.

Apparently, I've been too complacent for the folks who spam me. They seem irritated but also somewhat committed to helping me out. Here are the subject lines of five consecutive spams I received today:

You blocked my MSN
Are you a junky?
Don't be silly
Wanna get a drink?
This should wake you up

I had roommates like this in college.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Coming Soon to UPN
I've begun to realize that if a reality show was made starring the famous people I've talked to or interviewed at my radio station, it would be fascinating yet terrible. Like if they were all forced to live in a house or on an island or something. Anyway, going solely off people I've dealt with in the past year, here's the cast:
Richard Simmons
Eddie Vedder
Jared from Subway
Mike Douglas
Terry Bowden (ABC Commentator)
George McGovern
Sir Mix a Lot

Imagine the hijinx! Okay, now stop imagining it. You might get hurt.

Friday, June 13, 2003

A Question
How do you fall off a Segway? Isn't that the whole point of a Segway?

NBA Finals Special
My good friend Charlie Williams (again, certainly not a pseudonym I use) wrote up this review of a LEGO NBA set. Emanuel Ginobili not included.

Oh No
Now I'll never get anything done. I'll just spend all my day designing and buying t-shirts.
Some of them are t-shirts you can buy.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Men Who Look Like Young Santa (a semi-regular feature)
Bob Dornan
I get to know a lot of toys. I recently ran across one that is very special to me. And my friend Charlie Williams, who isn't the same as me and is certainly not an alias I write under, wrote this fine review.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

The Minimalist Approach
Not much happening at the Arthur Andersen home page. Except for a link to a big empty facility that you can rent for meetings.

Monday, June 09, 2003

I've been made aware that men and women walk the earth who have not read the notorious Family Circus customer reviews. Hurry. When finished, read more and more .

Endorsement Deal
Great news! This blog now has an official disease: read all about it!
The Prairie Dog Information site probably never expected to be put in a position where they needed to try to control hysteria.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Go watch 80's Ending. Six minutes that will change your life. Thanks, Yeti.
My 2 1/2 year old son really likes Maisy. Maisy is a cartoon mouse and the star of a series of childrens books and videos. One of her friends is an elephant named Eddie and although he and Maisy are much closer to the same size than they would be in real life, Eddie is still significantly bigger. My son was looking at a book that showed Eddie and Maisy outside Maisy's house and he said, "Eddie's too big to get into Maisy's house." So I asked him if there was any way that Maisy could get Eddie the elephant into the house. He thought for a minute and then said, very somberly, "A hammer."

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

So my 7-month-old daughter has achondroplasia. It's the most common form of dwarfism. It means she'll be about 4 feet tall when she grows up. It also means that I've had a swift introduction into the world of little people (if you use the word "m*dget", I will become irate). So the other day, I saw two little people walking down the street, evidently on a date since they were holding hands, and I secretly stared at them a while. Later, I explained to my wife how great it was to see little people on a date (as an average-size parent, you get this irrational fear that your dwarf child won't date) and how I stared at them for a while out of relief and joy and how it wasn't the like other people stare at them. I told her how I wanted to yell, "I'm staring at you but it's okay!". Then my wife gently told me, "Well, you know, it still isn't okay." Yep, I'm still learning a lesson that two year olds are taught: DON'T STARE!

Oh Man
That Dennis Rodman, he's so crazy! With his wild hair and his outrageous antics! And his severe drinking problem and his near bankruptcy and his sociopathic, near-suicidal behavior! Oh wait. He really is crazy.

Monday, June 02, 2003

Some Days...
You must unwind with a little Eugene.
Newscast Jokes From This One Radio Show I Sometimes Do

President Bush arrived in Poland for the annual G8 economic summit. He praised Poland’s support of the US led invasion of Iraq and said he was glad to have Poland as such a good friend. Later, he talked loudly to no one in particular about how he and Poland were best friends now and were going to the mall together. French and German leaders said nothing but were spotted rolling their eyes and passing notes back and forth.

The search for weapons of mass destruction continues in Iraq. It was announced that a large US team will turn its focus away from sites considered “suspicious” before the war began. Inspectors will now step up inspections in some new sites including: the rhetoric of President Bush, the psyche of many American citizens, and Iran.

The Department of Homeland Security has reduced the Terror Alert level from High or Orange to Elevated or Yellow. For governments and businesses, this means a scaling back of heightened security measures. And for private citizens, it means looking at the TV, saying “oh”, and then forgetting about it.

During a rare interview, Britain’s Prince William has begun studying Swahili at St. Andrew University in Scotland. William says that he first became enamored of Africa and African culture during a trip to the continent a few years ago and hopes to learn more about it in school in preparation for his future career of being a treasury draining man of leisure.

The Federal Communications Commission has been flooded with so many e-mails and phone calls in recent days that its overloaded computer network and phone systems are experiencing problems. The messages are being spurred by Monday’s vote on media consolidation which could increase the percentage of broadcast stations in a market that could be owned by a given corporation. The FCC says that their systems will be upgraded just as soon as their upcoming sale to Clear Channel is finalized.

Bruce Almighty was #1 at the box office last weekend beating out The Matrix in what is being hailed as a victory for monotheism over longtime foe Gnosticism. In Bruce Almighty, God comes to Earth on a successful mission to force a man to stop making sappy overwrought dramas and start making really funny comedies again.

The Oxygen Network debuted a new program Friday designed exclusively for the entertainment of cats. It’s not to be confused with the long running Broadway musical Cats which was designed exclusively for the entertainment of stupid people.

Barbra Streisand has filed a 10 million dollar lawsuit against a California man for posting photographs of her Malibu estate on a website that documents California’s eroding coastline. The suit has wreaked havoc at Fox News among the “mock Streisand” and “mock the environmentalists” factions who suddenly find themselves in conflict.