A Conversation with Charlie (age 4)

in the car this morning, on the way to preschool, listening to an NPR report about the latest bombing in Iraq
HIM: Why did hundreds of people get killed?
ME: Oh...well...there was -- is-- a big fight going on. Far away from here. And a lot of people are fighting. And some of them died.
HIM: We need to stop that!
ME: Yeah. That would be good.
HIM: We need to take a rock and throw it into the building. Put it on a big stick and throw it and have it crash!
ME: And that would stop the fight?
HIM: Yeah!
ME: Because people would be scared?
HIM: Yeah!
ME: Oh.

A Brief Conversation with Charlie (age 4) About Politics and Conservation:

HIM: Dad, are there bad guys?
ME: Yeah, I suppose there are.
HIM: Do we know any bad guys?
ME: No. No, I don't think we do.
HIM: Is Bush a bad guy?
ME: Bush?
HIM: The President. Bush. Is he a bad guy?
ME: Well, I think he really believes that...uh...well, some people have different opinions than other people...uh...
HIM: But he wants to drill in the arctic! And that will hurt the animals! We have to stop him and make him go away! People need to stop building so many houses! We have to stop Bush! People shouldn't drive their cars so much!
ME: Hey, get your shoes on.

There's Nothing Not Funny About...

this. (thanks BoingBoing)

NBA Fever!

Catch it! Repeatedly and more repeatedly!

NBA Update

A thing I wished I had written.

A thing I wrote under a fake name.

A Brief Conversation with Charlie (age 4) While Preparing Crab for Dinner

HIM: Is this crab dead?
ME: Oh yeah. It's definitely dead.
HIM: How did it die?
ME: Well, how do you think it died?
HIM: Hmmm. Did he kill himself?
ME: No! No no. He didn't do that.
HIM: I think he did.

A Brief Update

So it turns out I'm writing a book. It's tentatively planned, I don't even want to say scheduled, for October of 2006. This is something I've been working toward for a long while and I'm grateful that it's happening. Not sure what it means for this blog but my intention is to keep it going. You probably won't need to check it more than about once a week but I will endeavor to post whenever I can.

A Very Brief Conversation with Charlie (age 4)

ME: Hey it's lunchtime. What do you want for lunch? Sandwich?
HIM: No! I want extinct cat meat.

USS Mariner has some interesting and troubling observations about the Mariner Moose.

The Three Stages of Waiting for a Restroom at a Teriyaki Place Near My Work

0-2 minutes - someone is peeing
2-5 minutes - someone is going to the bathroom in another way
5 minutes + - heroin/go elsewhere

Oh it won't help your productivity any...

But it's a lovely way to spend some time as you remember Mitch Hedberg who died on March 30 of heart failure.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4) About Theology

(scene: we're at a local bakery looking through a storybook of Jack & The Beanstalk. We get to the part about the guy selling Jack the beans and the guy in the illustration looks like a dwarf. I decide to use it for my ongoing "dwarf awareness campaign".)

ME: You see that man? He's a dwarf.
HIM: He is? A dwarf?
ME: I think he is.
(very long pause)
HIM: I think he's God.

So really, the dwarf appreciation thing is going well but the idea of dwarfs being just like anyone else is not working out so good.

Authors have websites

When you aim to write a book, you're going to need a website to promote them so you don't look like such a schmuck when you blow your advance on tacos and pet pigs. Turns out really good, really interesting writers sometimes have outstandingly interesting websites. When my book comes out (2006, I believe) I hope it will be interesting and good. (thanks to the estimable Killing My Lobster for the link)

I was trying to think of a gag

but Defective Yeti is better than me.

Marvin Gaye and Grapevines

I got this thing up on McSweeney's today.

There are more famous and successful athletes.

But Paul Shirley is one of my new favorites.
Sample:

"I really felt like I had a stellar set of games. Min: 0, TP: 0, FG%: Undefined. Bravo."

How To Be A Terrible Father

Needed:
1 screaming two-year-old
It being six in the goddamn morning

1. Go to two-year-old's room
2. Listen to her angrily demand not just "Mama" but "Mama Mama Mama Mama! Maaaa-maaaa!"
3. Pick her up and carry her around the house, talking to her in soothing tones
4. see step 2
5. Offer her cereal, a banana, juice, anything in the kitchen
6. see step 2
7. Evaluate future self-hatred against short-term convenience
8. Ask two-year-old if she wants to go downstairs and watch Sesame Street
9. Listen to her say "Yeah!" with more joy and conviction than any human, regardless of age, could seemingly muster
10. Plop her down
11. Turn it on
12. Go back to bed
13. Hate self
14. Fall asleep for another 30 minutes

SYNOPSES OF THE LOST MARX BROTHERS’ MADE FOR TELEVISION MOVIES ON THE LIFETIME NETWORK

A teenage girl (Haylie Duff) rebels against her authoritarian parents (Meredith Baxter-Birney, Harpo) by dating an older man (Groucho). Things get out of control when the man turns out to be marked by the mob. A notorious mafia assassin (Chico) comes to town to settle the score, placing the whole family in danger.

A rising star lawyer (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) thinks she’s landed a dream job until her new boss (Harpo) starts making sexual advances. Her only friend at the firm, a brilliant but troubled young attorney (Chico), pledges to help her but turns up missing under suspicious circumstances. Now she must defend her career and honor in front of an eccentric judge (Groucho).

A high school football player (Harpo) is a star on the field in a small Texas town, but he’s acting strange and erratic at home. His mother (Jaclyn Smith) suspects steroid use. But is she strong enough to confront the powerful football coach (Groucho) and the crooked high school principal (Chico)?

A lonely woman (Valerie Bertinelli) meets the man of her dreams (Chico) online. But an arranged meeting turns terrifying as he kidnaps her and takes her to an isolated Utah compound. There she meets the charismatic leader of a dangerous religious cult (Harpo) but also another lost soul (Groucho) with whom she plots escape.

A friendly encounter with an auto mechanic (Groucho) seems innocent enough to a divorced mother (Delta Burke) until he starts coming by her house late at night and making threats. The local police chief (Harpo) brushes off her concern and as the obsession turns increasingly dangerous, she must turn to her estranged husband (Chico).

A weeklong honeymoon on a sailing boat turns dangerous for a young couple (Justine Bateman, Harry Hamlin) when they meet up with a charming sea captain (Groucho) who turns out to be a drug smuggler. Soon they are on the run from pirates (Chico, James Brolin) and a crooked DEA agent (Harpo).

An idealistic college graduate (Sara Gilbert) takes a Peace Corps position in the country of Freedonia. Soon she finds herself at the center of political turmoil between the newly appointed ruler (Groucho) and a pair of spies (Chico, Harpo). Also, another man (Zeppo) does very little and contributes nothing to the film.

A dedicated medical school graduate (Shannen Doherty) shocks her parents (Dabney Coleman, Margaret Dumont) by taking a job in a remote part of Alaska. There, she must overcome the skepticism of the chief of the native tribe (Groucho), the resistance of local lumberjacks (Chico, Greg Evigan, Richard Moll), and a bear (Harpo).

A photographer (Cheryl Ladd) unwittingly takes a picture of a murderer (Chico) disposing of a body (Margaret Dumont). She finds help, and love, in a dedicated newspaper editor (Groucho) as they try to prove what she saw was real, all the while being hunted by the murderer’s henchman (Harpo).

A single mother (Dana Delaney) is accused of child abuse by the couple next door (Chico, Heather Locklear) and soon finds herself in a custody battle with an ambitious social worker (Groucho). Now she must take on the system to prove her fitness for motherhood, expose corruption, and win back her baby (Harpo).

An enterprising woman (Pam Dawber) moves to a small town to fulfill her dream of opening a bakery. She finds love with a local attorney (Groucho) but encounters trouble when the town reveals its terrible secrets (Chico, Harpo).

Remember that time you asked me to show you a disturbing music video where Olympic sprinter Carl Lewis sings and seems like a children's television version of Grace Jones?

Well here you go.

Have I mentioned lately...

How much I love Strindberg & Helium? Well, now I have.

First Mario leaves now this!

They're going to be drilling in ANWAR? What? Huh?

In Other News...

Blogging is dead. Kottke linked to the New York Times article that points to the all-new and inexplicably existent Rosie O'Donnell blog.

A Conversation with Charlie (age 4) Regarding Long-Range Goals

HIM: When I grow up, I'm going to be a zookeeper. I am going to run the zoo.
ME: That's great. What will be in your zoo?
HIM: Lions. And gazelles and zebras. And they'll all be in the same cage and the lions will chase the gazelles and the zebras. And catch them and kill them and eat them.
ME: Wow. What kind of zoo is this?
HIM: Well...a city zoo.
ME: Yeah, sounds like it.

Well, I for one am spamused.

Through the estimable blog of the legendary Lore, I found Spamusement. It is Spamazing.

cwm_at_npr

Reason #114 to send in your pledge of support: facilities upgrades.

The Greatest of All Time

Well, okay Michael Jordan is pretty good at basketball. But when it comes to voice-over work? Not so much. (a few items down) (thanks to the estimable Wizznutzz).

I was in a store yesterday

And the radio station, a "continuous soft hits" station, announced that coming up would be "Extreme Jim Croce".

I thought, that can mean three different things:

1. Lots of Croce songs
2. An unholy remix of Croce and those "More Than Words" dudes
3. The most unsuccessful Mountain Dew flavor ever

You add a hotheaded story about hot dogs to your blog...

And suddenly all your new Google Adsense ads are about hot dogs.
Wait, I just mentioned hot dogs again - ah! a third time! -- now I'll always be stuck with hot dog ads! Four times! Porn porn porn porn.

Nobody Believes Me About The Volcanoes

CHARLIE (age 4): Dad, what comes out of a volcano? Meat?
ME: Meat?
CHARLIE: It's meat, right?
ME: No! There's no meat in volcanoes!
CHARLIE: Yes there is you're just joking right?
ME: I swear there's no meat in volcanoes.
CHARLIE: What is there?
ME: Well there's steam. Steam comes out of volcanoes.
KATE (age 2): No!
ME: Yes! Steam! Look, here's a picture in the paper of steam coming out of a volcano. It's called Mt. St. Helen's.
CHARLIE: What else comes out of a volcano?
ME: Well, ash. Steam. Lava.
CHARLIE: Hot lava?
ME: Yes.
CHARLIE: Okay. Yes. Right. (pause) And meat.

The Imminent Threat of Chickens

(note: I understand from Defective Yeti that some radio station did some segment on parenting blogs the other night. Details are sketchy.)

So I was at Kelsey Creek Farm yesterday with Charlie, who is four years old. And there were some chickens walking around as they often do there. And then things got dark.

HIM: Dad, can I say hi to the chickens?
ME: Sure. Go ahead.
HIM: Hello, chickens. How are you today?
ME: (beaming with pride over my son's empathy and kind soul)
HIM: Are you looking for seeds? Or are you looking for grains? Or insects? Or are you hunting for human skin?
ME: What?! Human skin?
HIM: Are they looking for the skin of people to eat, Dad?
ME: What? No, I don't...I hope not. Where did you hear about that?
HIM: I just thought about it.

Oh My

Brown Zogg will command the bird armies.

The Home Improvement Plan

So Charlie, who is four years old, thinks that the recent siding put on the house does not go far enough in improving our house. He proposes, for our wee little front yard, that we acquire some large animals. Specifically, he's pushing for us to obtain a yak, a musk ox, a buffalo, and a bison ("Aren't a buffalo and a bison the same thing, Charlie?" "No! You're just joking, right Dad?")
ME: How are we going to get these animals?
HIM: We'll have to go to Montana. We will drive to Montana and get them there.
ME: We only have, like, a station wagon. How are we going to get them back home?
HIM: They can be on skateboards.
ME: Can yaks ride skateboards?
HIM: No, we'll drag them behind the car. We'll need some ropes.
ME: That sounds dangerous.
HIM: We'll get them some helmets. We'll get REALLY big helmets for the yak, the musk ox, the buffalo, and the bison.
ME: What about the horns?
HIM: Mom will cut holes in the helmets for the animals to put their horns through.
ME: Well. Okay. Sounds like we're all set then.

The Rocky Roll Band In Which I Sing...

Now sells stuff. I like the trucker hat.

Take Care of the Children

So I'm in this Seattle area hot dog place. Only other customers are a woman reading People magazine and her son, about six years old. He announces that he needs to pee really bad and wants his mom to come with him. She doesn't even answer. He reiterates his need. She tells him that the bathroom is right there. She asks him to please go with her. Then his Dad comes in, meeting them for lunch. He just rubs his wife's back while she reads People. Son asks Dad to come with him to the bathroom. Dad refuses. Kid's going crazy. Meanwhile I'm sitting there with a hot dog in a room where the only topic is URINE.
At this point, sentient and sensible parents will maybe realize that the thing to do is to take your kid to the friggin' bathroom as there are people trying to eat around there who really don't want to hear about pee anymore. Maybe a decent parent would think that maybe there are other people in the place.
So I took my hot dog and walked to the door. And I stopped and said "You know, maybe some people would rather eat their hot dogs without having to hear about urine. I sure wish you'd do something about that in the future."

(shudder)

there's this.

A Conversation with Charlie (Age 4)

HIM: Dad, what's your middle name?
ME: Erling.
HIM: (incredulous) Erling?!
ME: Yep. It was my dad's name. His first name.
HIM: Did he die?
ME: Yes, he did.
HIM: So now Uncle Rick is your dad.
ME: No, that's not how it works. Grandpa Moe is still my dad.
HIM: Oh. How so?
ME: He just is. You pretty much just get the one dad.
HIM: Can I be your dad?
ME: You? I don't know about that.
HIM: Can I? I'll be your dad! Do you think that's a good idea?
ME: Well...can I still be your dad, too?
HIM: Yes!

That's No Bargain

NPR runs this underwriting spot that mentions a special chair that's supposed to be all great and everything. And then they give the URL which is sitforless.com. And I'm thinking, sit for less? But sitting isn't supposed to cost anything.

Yeah, it's okay...

But I wonder how much better Are We There Yet would be if it starred MC Ren instead.

Parent Snobbery

Okay, so when you say "I know what it's like to have kids, I have a dog" or "I don't have kids but I have nieces and nephews so I know what it's like", well, I'm sorry. I know you mean well. But I've had dogs, nieces and nephews, and kids and I know the difference. it's sort of like talking to a World War II veteran and saying "I know what that must have been like cause I got in an argument with someone once."

So I took a month off. Sorry.

A conversation with Charlie (age 4) about why I wasn't at work yesterday

ME: You know why I'm not at work today?
HIM: Is it Sunday?
ME: No. It's Martin Luther King Day. It's a day that kids don't go to school and a lot of people don't go to work and we remember what a man named Martin Luther King did.
HIM: Did he die?
ME: Well, yeah. He did.
HIM: Why?
ME: I'll get to that. The deal with Martin Luther King was that he thought people should all be together. Like, you know how your friend Will has darker skin than you? And how Will's dad has darker skin?
HIM: And I have bright skin!
ME: Or light skin. Yeah. Well, it used to be that he would have to go to different schools than you and not get to eat in the same restaurants or use the same bathrooms as you. And Martin Luther King and a bunch of other people thought that wasn't right.
HIM: Like my fish! My fish had lighter skin in the summer and it turned dark in the fall.
ME: Well, that's kind of another thing. I'm talking about people.
HIM: And I'm talking about fish.
ME: But Martin Luther King was a person. And he worked hard so that everyone could be together. And once a year we have a holiday, like Christmas or Thanksgiving, to remind ourselves of that work.
HIM: How did he die?
ME: Well, they shot him. People didn't want all that to happen so they shot him. But we try to make it happen anyway.
(long pause)
HIM: I want to talk about my fish some more.

The House of Flying Daggers

It's a movie that opens this weekend.

I gotta think if you're a real estate agent, that's going to be a hard house to sell.

Buyers would tour the place and try to be polite:
"No, I like the closet space, there was plenty of that. Yeah, and the location is fantastic, you're right, close to schools and shopping. The kitchen was beautiful, I can tell it was recently remodeled and the commercial grade stove and fridge are really great. No, I loved the bathroom with the clawfoot tub and the antique fixtures and all that. The thing is, I just can't imagine really feeling comfortable living here with all the flying daggers. Yes, actually, there are a lot of them. Look, there goes one now. No, you're wrong, it IS a problem. I've already been stabbed four times. Can we please look at some other houses now? I know it's priced to sell but it just doesn't feel like home to me. Yes, precisely because of the flying daggers."

Thoughts on the Sonics.

- Danny Fortson dominates the game when he's in. It doesn't even show up in the stats but it's just a different game when he's in there. Either he's crashing the post or people think he's going to. Either he's grabbing a rebound or everyone wonders if he will. Also he went with a fetching top of the head ponytail, Barbara Eden-style, instead of the pig tails last night.
- Luke Ridnour. He's good. He's fast, he can shoot, and he seems like a robot. Seriously, dude has no personality. It's like having a basketball cyborg on your team.
- Nick Collison. Oh yeah, having one of the best college players in the country on your team, and a guy who actually played all four years in college, that's a good thing. It means he's probably good at playing basketball.
- Reggie Evans is the classic beefy sidekick who doesn't need the spotlight but helps in the game. He's the Chewbacca of the team. The Rerun of the team. When they make a movie of the '04-'05 Sonics, he'll be played by John C. Reilly.
- Jerome James. Contract year. He's playing well because he knows that if the team wins and he does precisely what he's told, he might just fool people one more time into thinking he's a good player. That's why he's smiling all the time.
- Rashard Lewis. Rashard does not want to make decisions. He does not want to lead the team. He doesn't want to decide if we should go out for Thai or Mexican. He can't make up his mind about seeing that new Hugh Grant movie or the Jim Carrey thing. He doesn't really care whether we spend Christmas with his family or your family. He's the guy who finally gets the overbearing girlfriend (Ray) and it totally works out for everyone. It's not even that he's whipped, he just needs someone to tell him what to do.

America?

Well, yes. (caution: cussing)

A Conversation With Charlie, Age 4

HIM: And in Ice Age (a film he has never seen) the woolly mammoth fights with the saber-toothed tiger!
ME: Oh, is that what happens?
HIM: Dad, I want to have a fight party. Can we have a fight party where everyone fights?
ME: Well, you know the first rule of fight party.
HIM: What?
ME: Don't talk about fight party.
HIM: No. It's just a party where everyone fights. The woolly mammoth falls into a crack in the glacier and dies.

A Conversation in the car with Charlie, on his last day of being three years old (Saturday)

CHARLIE: I think I might throw up.
ME: Really? Seriously? Do you feel like you're going to?
CHARLIE: I don't know. Maybe.
ME: Well...uh...what do you think?
CHARLIE: I guess we'll just have to wait and find out whether I will or not.
ME: Okay. Okay.
CHARLIE: Because we'll know soon enough.

I Was Very Spiteful at Starbucks

BARISTA: Would you like a pastry?
ME: Yes. A cinnamon twist, please.
BARISTA: Okay but you have to do the twist first!
ME: If that is a requirement, I will opt for a different pastry.
BARISTA: Oh. I was just joking. Most people do it.
ME: I'd also like a tall drip coffee. Got any jokes about that?
BARISTA: (cowed) No. No, I don't.
ME: Well then maybe you shouldn't start something that you're not prepared to finish. Maybe you should think about that before you step to me.

What a dick I was. My goodness. But then, she really shouldn't have thrown down.

Sorry.

Been psychically ill. I don't often do this but really, go watch the new Strongbad.

Ladies and Gentlemen...
The President of the United States

Well, you should really see it.

Triumph in Spin Alley.

Things What Have Been Written

My rumination on Dagwood Bumstead's various issues is up on McSweeney's today.


And here's something I wrote that may be up somewhere else sometime but is here today:

EXCERPTS FROM MY UNSUCCESSFUL AUDITION FOR VH-1’S “I LOVE THE 80’S”

The Rubik’s what? No I’m sorry, I’ve never—is that a math thing? No? Rubik’s Cube. Never heard of it. Pass.

Pat Benatar! Oh yeah! Remember in that one video she was an angry whore and started dancing with all the other angry whores? One time, and this is totally unrelated to Pat Benatar and that video, I stabbed someone.

Oh you bet I had Pac-Man Fever! I played a lot of Pac-Man in the 80’s and what was really funny is that it compounded my loneliness and isolation. The higher score I reached in the game, the lower my emotional ebb. It was a cycle. And then I kept playing, looking for some sort of sense of self-worth, you know, by getting a good score. But you always lose in the end. The ghosts consume you. Just like in life.

Jump! Van Halen! Yeah, they sure looked like they were having fun in that video. You know, funny thing, that song is actually about someone contemplating suicide and David Lee Roth is urging them to do it. Do it. Do it. Doooooooo it. But to me, that’s every Van Halen song. “Hot for Teacher”, “Running with the Devil”. They all urge the same thing. It’s code. But not the Sammy songs. Sammy is Love.

Yes, I’m aware that you have a security guard standing over there. For whatever that’s worth.

Hey, listen, I loved Beverly Hills Cop but I gotta tell you, as someone who’s been up close and personal with the Beverly Hills PD, they are not as funny as Eddie Murphy!...What? No, I wasn’t listening to Corey Feldman’s answer. Did he say the same thing I did? That must be a coincidence…I realize I was in the lobby when he was taping. Are you calling me a liar? Are you? ARE YOU?!

Atari? I’m…uh…is that a Japanese thing? Like a movie monster? I’m sorry. Pass.

Well, the 80’s were all about Ronald Reagan. The Gipper! I’ll never forget when he supported the brutal governments of El Salvador and Guatemala while funding the Contras in Nicaragua in their effort to overthrow a democratically elected leader. Thousands of people died! He was the great communicator!

Oh, I don’t think any of us from that generation will forget the Just Say No campaign. Nancy Reagan. Just Say No. And you know, it worked for everything. Especially attempts by my family to help me. Just Say No! NO!

Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love video was fantastic. All those girls with lobotomies playing instruments. I’m addicted to love too! But I’ve been in withdrawal my whole life, if you know what I mean! Because we live in a world of emotional nihilism. Robert Palmer. Dead now.

“Where everybody knows your name/ And they’re always glad you came”. Oh, I loved Cheers. Watched it every week. And I would always think the same thing: I could probably beat most of that cast in a fight. Not like if they all ganged up, but one at a time? Think about it: Shelley Long? Easy. George Wendt? John Ratzenberger? I’d whup them no problem. Kirstie Alley is tall but one punch and she goes down. Danson might be tough but I fight dirty. Yeah, I think about that all the time. Still. Today. On my way over, I was thinking about it. “You wanna be where everybody knows your name.” Yeah, I’ll teach you MY name.

Duran Duran. That’s not a real thing is it? You’re making that up.

War Games. Great movie. Matthew Broderick. Dabney Coleman. Great movie. And it really happened. Not just based on a true story, though, they filmed it at NORAD and all the equipment was live. That’s why it’s such an awesome movie. It’s authentic! You think those people were acting? It’s no joke, man. But you’ll never hear about it because the Zionists don’t want you to.

If I get this job, do you pay in cash?

Things What I Have Written

1. My piece on Dagwood Bumstead's intervention is up on McSweeney's today.


Here's another thing I wrote that may turn up somewhere but is here today:

EXCERPTS FROM MY UNSUCCESSFUL AUDITION FOR VH-1’S “I LOVE THE 80’S”

The Rubik’s what? No I’m sorry, I’ve never—is that a math thing? No? Rubik’s Cube. Never heard of it. Pass.

Pat Benatar! Oh yeah! Remember in that one video she was an angry whore and started dancing with all the other angry whores? One time, and this is totally unrelated to Pat Benatar and that video, I stabbed someone.

Oh you bet I had Pac-Man Fever! I played a lot of Pac-Man in the 80’s and what was really funny is that it compounded my loneliness and isolation. The higher score I reached in the game, the lower my emotional ebb. It was a cycle. And then I kept playing, looking for some sort of sense of self-worth, you know, by getting a good score. But you always lose in the end. The ghosts consume you. Just like in life.

Jump! Van Halen! Yeah, they sure looked like they were having fun in that video. You know, funny thing, that song is actually about someone contemplating suicide and David Lee Roth is urging them to do it. Do it. Do it. Doooooooo it. But to me, that’s every Van Halen song. “Hot for Teacher”, “Running with the Devil”. They all urge the same thing. It’s code. But not the Sammy songs. Sammy is Love.

Yes, I’m aware that you have a security guard standing over there. For whatever that’s worth.

Hey, listen, I loved Beverly Hills Cop but I gotta tell you, as someone who’s been up close and personal with the Beverly Hills PD, they are not as funny as Eddie Murphy!...What? No, I wasn’t listening to Corey Feldman’s answer. Did he say the same thing I did? That must be a coincidence…I realize I was in the lobby when he was taping. Are you calling me a liar? Are you? ARE YOU?!

Atari? I’m…uh…is that a Japanese thing? Like a movie monster? I’m sorry. Pass.

Well, the 80’s were all about Ronald Reagan. The Gipper! I’ll never forget when he supported the brutal governments of El Salvador and Guatemala while funding the Contras in Nicaragua in their effort to overthrow a democratically elected leader. Thousands of people died! He was the great communicator!

Oh, I don’t think any of us from that generation will forget the Just Say No campaign. Nancy Reagan. Just Say No. And you know, it worked for everything. Especially attempts by my family to help me. Just Say No! NO!

Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love video was fantastic. All those girls with lobotomies playing instruments. I’m addicted to love too! But I’ve been in withdrawal my whole life, if you know what I mean! Because we live in a world of emotional nihilism. Robert Palmer. Dead now.

“Where everybody knows your name/ And they’re always glad you came”. Oh, I loved Cheers. Watched it every week. And I would always think the same thing: I could probably beat most of that cast in a fight. Not like if they all ganged up, but one at a time? Think about it: Shelley Long? Easy. George Wendt? John Ratzenberger? I’d whup them no problem. Kirstie Alley is tall but one punch and she goes down. Danson might be tough but I fight dirty. Yeah, I think about that all the time. Still. Today. On my way over, I was thinking about it. “You wanna be where everybody knows your name.” Yeah, I’ll teach you MY name.

Duran Duran. That’s not a real thing is it? You’re making that up.

War Games. Great movie. Matthew Broderick. Dabney Coleman. Great movie. And it really happened. Not just based on a true story, though, they filmed it at NORAD and all the equipment was live. That’s why it’s such an awesome movie. It’s authentic! You think those people were acting? It’s no joke, man. But you’ll never hear about it because the Zionists don’t want you to.

If I get this job, do you pay in cash?

Truth Revealed About Bush Bulge!

Listen here!

Our President Seems Animated
Really animated.

Maybe it's because their popularity has waned...

But I think that even if the 80's new wave band Status Quo was still way popular, they wouldn't be invited to participate in the Vote For Change concert tour. Just too awkward.

Okay, I'll Say It

The Jib-Jab thing unveiled today? It sucks. It's not funny.

Ah, the joys of video editing...

Including a neat, if inherently out of context, summation of the GOP convention.

This is Surprising

I know that the Bush folks are political masterminds but I can't figure out why they would publish a photo of Dick Cheney ripping the heart out of a still living Chinese girl. Oh well, Karl Rove is brilliant I guess so he must have his reasons.

This is Surprising

I know that the Bush folks are political masterminds but I can't figure out why they would publish a photo of Dick Cheney ripping the heart out of a still living Chinese girl. Oh well, Karl Rove is brilliant I guess so he must have his reasons.

Faces of Frustration Video...

Man, those Democrats is fast.

Damn, Juan Cole...
That is some good writing.

If it was just him it would be okay...

But the dude was being followed by a Moonshadow! It really is a Wild World. You need a Peace Train. Before it gets to the point where Morning is somehow...Broken.

Happy Richard Perle is Very Surprised Day

We'll keep celebrating every year until that damn square is built.

I talked with Krist Novoselic yesterday...

ME: Hey, thanks for all the music. I appreciate it.
KRIST: You're welcome. What's your name?
ME: John. I work here at the station.
KRIST: Oh.
ME: My son's favorite song is Sliver. He always asks me to play the CD.
KRIST: Hmm. That's an awfully bleak song. (pause) Are you sure he's okay?
ME: That's a good question. He's actually with his grandma right now. Maybe I'd better give them a call.
KRIST: Not a bad idea.

And the winner for best use of Green Day goes to...

The Sloganator Memorial

Ivan Blows Clear Demonstrable Legal Reasoning All Over The Place

"In a memo to Florida's 67 county supervisors of elections, Division of Elections director Dawn Roberts said the uncertainty of Hurricane Ivan, which could hit parts of the state by week's end, forced her to act."

Apparently it's not all that hard to be a presidential speech writer...

Just go here.

He's Just Taking His Game to a Whole New Level

New economic analysis from the Vice-President.

It's hard...
to keep up on all the madness sometimes.

A White House Staff That Looks Like America

Found this via the estimable Wonkette.

I make this claim not from a political perspective but from the perspective of an occasional comedy writer:

You will throw up in your own mouth if you read the following transcript of the Bush daughters at the RNC.

JENNA BUSH: It's great to be here. We love Arnold. Isn't he awesome?
Thanks to him, if one of us ever decides to marry a Democrat, nobody can complain, except maybe our grandmother, Barbara. And if she doesn't like it, we would definitely hear about it.
We already know she doesn't like some of our clothes, our music, or most of the TV shows we watch.
Gammie, we love you dearly, but you're just not very hip.
She thinks "Sex and the City" is something married people do, but never talk about.
We spent the last four years trying to stay out of the spotlight. Sometimes, we did a little better job than others.
We kept trying to explain to my dad that when we are young and irresponsible, well, we're young and irresponsible.

BARBARA BUSH: Jenna and I are really not very political, but we love our dad too much to stand back and watch from the sidelines.
We realized that this would be his last campaign, and we wanted to be a part of it.
Besides, since we've graduated from college, we're looking around for something to do for the next few years.
Kind of like dad.

JENNA: Our parents have always encouraged us to be independent and dream big. We've spent a lot of time at the White House, so when we showed up the first day, we thought we had it all figured out. But apparently my dad already has a chief of staff, named Andy.

BARBARA: When your dad's a Republican and you go to Yale, you learn to stand up for yourself. I knew I wasn't quite ready to be president, but number two sounded pretty good.
Who is this man they call Dick Cheney?

JENNA: I think I know a lot about campaigns. After all, my grandfather and my dad have both run for president, so I put myself in charge of strategy. Then I got an angry call from some guy named Karl.

BARBARA: We knew we had something to offer. I mean, we've traveled the world; we've studied abroad. But when we started coming home with foreign policy advise, dad made us call Condi.

JENNA: Not to be deterred, we thought surely there's a place for strong willed, opinionated women in communications. And next thing we know, Karen's back.

BARBARA: So we decided the best thing we could do here tonight would be to introduce somebody we know and love.

JENNA: You know all those times when you're growing up and your parents embarrass you? Well, this is payback time on live TV.

BARBARA: Take this. I know it's hard to believe, but our parents' favorite term of endearment for each other is actually Bushy.
And we had a hamster, too. Let's just say ours didn't make it.

JENNA: But, contrary to what you might read in the papers, our parents are actually kind of cool. They do know the difference between mono and Bono. When we tell them we're going to see Outkast, they know it's a band and not a bunch of misfits. And if we really beg them, they'll even shake it like a Polaroid picture.

BARBARA: So, OK, maybe they have learned a little pop culture from us, but we've learned a lot more from them about what matters in life, about unconditional love, about focus and discipline.
They taught us the importance of a good sense of humor, of being open-minded and treating everyone with respect.
And we learned the true value of honesty and integrity.

JENNA: When you grow up as the daughters of George and Laura Bush, you develop a special appreciation for how blessed we are to live in this great country.
We are so proud to be here tonight to introduce someone who read us bedtime stories, picked up car pool, made us our favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cheered for us when we scored a goal, even when it was for the wrong team.

BARBARA: Someone who told us we actually looked cute in braces, always welcomed our friends and was there waiting when we came home at curfew.

JENNA: Ladies and gentlemen, one of the two most loving, thoughtful people we know.

BARBARA: Your president and our dad, George W. Bush.

Oh My.

Conservative Republican congressman abruptly announces that he won't run for re-election.
Why? Some people think they know why.
Oh, the congressman was also one of the sponsors of the Federal Marriage Amendment.

Bumpy Castle

There are dangerous games, there are really dangerous games, and then there's Bumpy Castle, a game I play with my kids that was invented by my son Charlie.

Here's how it works:
1. Kate (22 months) and I climb onto a mattress set up in the playroom.
2. We put a big purple blanket over our heads.
3. Charlie (almost 4) yells "BUMPY CASTLE!" and then jumps on us.
4. I try to deflect Charlie before he crushes his sister while also avoiding fists to the nose and trying to land Charlie in a reasonably safe location.

Everyone but me loves Bumpy Castle. Loves. It.

It's a horrible, horrible game.

Holy Mackerel

New Economist poll (8/16-8/18, 1799 sample size) has Kerry up 49-41 among registered voters, 51-42 among definite voters, and a 61 percent on dissatisfied. Full results here (pdf).

Doing a Lynndie

The estimable Xeni on boingboing points us toward the latest post-Abu Ghraib laff riot!

But Woody Hayes and Mary Lou Retton Used to Say the Same Thing...

So the Bush administration is using images of Iraqi olympic athletes in campaign commercials. Turns out that the Iraqi soccer team is somewhat less than enthused about this.

Key passages from this article that may be somewhat unlikely to make it into Bush press releases:
"My problems are not with the American people," says Iraqi soccer coach Adnan Hamad. "They are with what America has done in Iraq: destroy everything. The American army has killed so many people in Iraq. What is freedom when I go to the [national] stadium and there are shootings on the road?"

and

Ahmed Manajid, who played as a midfielder on Wednesday, had an even stronger response when asked about Bush's TV advertisement. "How will he meet his god having slaughtered so many men and women?" Manajid told me. "He has committed so many crimes."

Department of Understated Headlines

Recent Questions That Are Hard To Answer

1. We put out a bunch of old furniture on the parking strip overnight for the Salvation Army to pick up this morning. But when morning came, some of it was gone - taken in the night. Since we were giving it away anyway and had left it on the curb, should we feel as though we were robbed?

2. Charlie (age 3): What are angels?
Me: (fumbling) Well, ah, some people think that when people die they become angels and go up to heaven or hang around here and help people?
Charlie: Like Grandpa Moe up in heaven?
Me: Sure. Yeah. Like that. That's what some people think.
Charlie: How about hippos?
Me: What about hippos?
Charlie: When hippos die do they become hippo angels? Does Grandpa Moe play with the hippo angels in heaven? Does he Daddy? Does he?

3. Charlie: Did someone make the world?
Me: What? (stalling) You mean...ah...this world?
Charlie: The world! And all the things. Did someone make it?
Me: Well...what do you think?
Charlie: No. I don't think so.

Warning!

Strong, and very very amusing language in this short film.

Not Sure...
If there is anyone in the city of Seattle who still calls themselves Republican but this ought to turn the remaining handful around.

Winnie-the-Pooh is My Co-worker

I have a new piece up on McSweeney's today. If you don't see it today, here's the direct link.

Yikes!

Stuff About Books & Things

1. The gang at McSweeney's has a new book:
Created In Darkness By Troubled Americans
Release date is August 10th. It's an anthology of McSweeney's humor and several things what I wrote are featured in it including:

Terrible Names for Hair Salons
As A Porn Movie Titler, I May Lack Promise
Canceled Regional Morning TV Shows
Cause And Effect Rules For Sidewalk Travel
and the meme-inducing Suggested Follow-up Songs For One-Hit Wonders

along with about a zillion other pieces that are screamingly funny. Can you read most of them for free on the Interweb? Sure. But a book is better. I got an advanced copy from a publicist who, not knowing who I was, asked me in so many words if I'd like to interview myself. It's really funny stuff. Thinky funny but also actually funny.

2. I review books for a Large Internet Bookseller. I was recently asked to review the 9/11 Commission Report. And you know what? That's a hard thing to do. It's not meant to entertain but it still needs to be accessible. None of the findings are shocking and they've all been written about in the press by now. And you really can't compare it to previous work by the author. So anyway, here's what I came up with.

It's One Thing To Stumble In A Live Speech

But this probably shouldn't have got past the copy editors on Bush's website:

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we," Bush said. "They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

You try to be a good writer...

And then you realize that nothing you produce will ever be as good as Lyndon Johnson ordering a pair of pants. (via Political Wire)

Something Wild Was Good...
Working Girl was excellent. But sometimes the lady outdoes herself.

Politics Loads Up On Fast Food

The not-as-amusing-as-everyone-made-it-out-to-be Subservient Chicken has now spawned (hatched?) a not-all-that-amusing-either political knock-off.

Oaths!

They're requiring oaths!

Reasons You Should Love Semisonic
1. Closing Time is a great song. C'mon, admit it, it is.
2. Drummer Jake Slichter's new book is completely awesome. Harvard grad, rock drummer, self-deprecator.
3. I interviewed Jake today on the radio and he was a super-duper nice fella.
4. He signed the radio station's guest book "Jake Slichter, drummer for Semisonic, we had that big hit song 'Closing Time'."

My Profile

I think it turned out well. I hope you like it!

It's Official!

Movies do make people violent.

Internet Good

First, there was this.

Then there was this.

Okay, It's Not Really MY Book...
But it's a book I'm in. And it's busting into the top 4000 on Amazon (as of this writing).
Also, I'm reading some stuff at an event with Dave Eggers on September1st.
 

Attention College Students!
 
Ripping off undergraduate term papers and even taking them out of context is A-OK.
 

Granted

I'm a complete tool for McSweeney's but I sure do love the Dear Mr. President Letters.
 

I Hate The Interweb

Because now, for the rest of my life, no matter where I go, no matter how much I accomplish, I will ALWAYS be the dude who wrote this.

As For Me...
I'll be picking up the trucker hat.

The Hype and The Debate As To Whether Or Not To Believe It...

Regarding Roger Clemens, Seth Stevenson does not.

Farewell to Productivity

A few months ago, I was pointing people towards the addictive Fundrace.org. Now, there's Newsmeat's Hall of Fame to further distract you from doing anything worthwhile.

At this writing...

This book is #31 on Amazon's best seller list. Due, no doubt, to the catchy title.

Well okay.

It seems like a lot of Democrats are excited about this but I really don't see what John Edward brings to the ticket aside from getting cryptic advice from former presidents.